Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

Op you should just say I’m not petty I’m just preparing for our divorce you might as well get on with things now we are not together anymore. Enjoy your freedom while he’s being the host on his own. Good for you op.

Thanks for your responses again 😊

I do feel as though I am at least starting to accept it and starting to get my head around things.

I am really looking forward to an afternoon with my friend. I haven’t done anything like this for a long time!

I suppose I just have to laugh at him thinking that I am somehow the petty one in all of this.

Yes this is how I’m viewing it, as preparing myself as much as possible for when we are fully separated and living in different houses.

I don’t think he’s really expected me to actually go out and stick to my word.

Christ alive. It just gets worse.

He’s being a dick he really thinks that little of you expecting you put on your smile for something so fake. You will go out and you will let him get on with things and do not tidy up anything after they finish. Like you said he’s delusional go for a meal if you can so you’re not hungry when you get home. Stupid twat he is. Some men are so selfish.

Good for you @mummy917.

Honestly, the more you're updating, the more it sounds as if you'll be well shot of him. You're not pretending to play happy families after how he's behaved towards you, plus this is the reality of 50:50 - he has to look after his children during his time. Enjoy your shopping trip.

I just need him to find a house asap now. I’m starting to feel as though I want to get my life back on track and create a stable routine for the kids. I feel as though I’m beginning to look ahead now and can start picturing what mine and the kids’ lives will look like.

I have my first therapy appointment a week on Monday and feel positive about it.

This is great op. You'll still have times you feel sad but the moments you start looking forward will become more and they will become more real and positive.
My therapist said something really helpful yesterday. She said I should accept that my heart won't stop loving yet, that it will miss and it will hope. But just to accept that and make choices from your head. Do you want more of the last few weeks in your future or do you want more peace? Is he a safe person for you based on his actions? After all those years he does this. If he stayed he could do it again (mine did).
I look back at when I had my dh back 2 years ago and where I am now and think if only I'd said no where would I be now? Certainly not back in this!
2 years from now you'll have built a happy life with your babies and you might even be open to someone new to love you properly

Admitting to him how upset you were at your son’s rugby presentation I wonder if he’s organised a family BBQ to ramp up the cruelty, to put you on a back foot in front of his family to make him look justified. The messages about him house viewing are more unkind actions designed to destroy you.
Be resolved, be brave and go out for several hours, leaving him to it. Coping with four young children, cooking food on a BBQ, entertaining his family and cleaning up afterwards will keep this indolent, self-centred, disengaged prat busy. Let him see he’s thrown away the respect to hurt you, that you are strong enough to have a happy life beyond him.

Cherchez la femme 🤔

Op I hope your therapy goes well remember it’s not an instant fix you have a lot to deal with. You should say to your h any chance you can speed up your move because I really want to make it official don’t let him control everything make it known to him your ready now even if your not inside he doesn’t hold all the cards but he thinks he does.

The best thing you can do OP is what you’re currently doing. Cut him off emotionally, do not cry or beg or try to talk him round. Detach completely. Treat him like you’re lodger, polite smiles and small talk, nothing more. It’s the best thing you can do right now. You’re doing amazingly!

I do feel as though inviting his family today was more to prove what a family man he is and how he could never be at fault.

I can’t help feeling guilty for the kids that I’ve gone out for the day when it’s usually something we all do as a family, but I feel like I can’t continue to pretend anymore.

Thank you, I’m open minded about the therapy but know it won’t be an immediate fix. I’m hoping I do get a lot of positives from it though 😊

I know people keep mentioning about another woman and I just think if there is one, it’ll all come out in the wash xx

Wow OP - you are rocking it! It took me many more weeks to get to the stage that you are at.

I hope you enjoy your afternoon with your friend. And remember, he's been enjoying himself at football and nights out while you were the one parenting your children. You deserve some time to yourself and to spend with friends.

Thank you! I’m not sure if things will hit me all over again at some point and I do still have tearful moments, but I feel as though I’ve had to make myself accept things.

I have had a lovely afternoon and it was nice to be able to take some time for myself, it’s been a while! Xx

What are the bets he tries to leave the cleaning up after the bbq to you!
I’d just make a point of going right back out again, every day, until he cleans up. Pretend you’re having so much fun with the girlfriends you didn’t even notice.

”Oh I can see you’ve things to be getting on with in here so I’ll leave you to it, I’m off to Janice’s for cocktails, toodles!”

And if any of the family phone to see why you weren’t there for the bbq, give it to them straight that he doesn’t get to throw a bomb into things and have you continue to be the dutiful wife in some hurtful charade. That if he wants out, fine, you’re out.

The house is a complete mess but I’ve told him I’m off to have a nice bath and I’ll happily do bedtime once I get out, while he cleans up xx

@mummy917 You really are rocking it!

I agree that the emotional impact probably will hit you again at some point, but you're doing an amazing job showing him the reality of his choices, because this situation is completely caused by him.

You're just co-parenting with him now, you're not his friend/support anymore, he needs to realize that ASAP.

Thank you 😊 I feel as though we need to be living as realistically as possible while we still have to live under the same roof and part of that is for him to do solo parenting sometimes as this will be what it will be like 50% of the time.

Exactly, I certainly don’t see him as a friend, he hasn’t treated me kindly at all throughout this entire time xx

There are a couple of threads running at the moment where the arsehole husband has thrown a grenade into the family and has decided that nevertheless this weekend should feature a family bbq. What twats they are.

The nice weather must make them forget their twattiness 🤣

I love your style. Going out rather than aligning with his push for a BBQ, having a bath while he is left to clean up then doing bedtime which makes you look reasonable and suits the children’s needs. Your focus, on yourself and the children, not him, is perfect. Keep going!

I just wanted to add my support OP, you are doing really well and I'm so pleased you have prioritised yourself and enjoyed an afternoon with a friend than subjecting yourself to his lordship playing BBQ host. Honestly, good weather is like the bat signal for these idiots - hope he caught a bit of sunburn.

The audacity to call you petty - they metaphorically shit on your head and expect you to say thanks for the hat. Idiot.

He’s ginger so did resemble a drumstick lolly today 🤣

I do feel as though I am just waiting for this to hit me again at some point soon as 8 weeks feels like a short time for it to take to accept that our marriage is over and our family unit is broken xx

You'll have good days and not so good days but I think half the battle is you're seeing him for what he is now. And one day you'll look back and realise he's done you a massive favour.

Remember your worth and never let anyone treat you less than it.