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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

341 replies

mummy917 · 13/05/2026 14:50

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

OP posts:
Planesmistakenforstars · 19/05/2026 14:57

Trust his actions, not his words. Maybe he's telling you he loves you to string you along. Maybe wants to stop you going after everything in a divorce. Maybe he does love you but still wants to split up. You seem to be hanging onto what he wants and what he says, but he isn't reliable and he isn't trustworthy.

Everintroverte · 19/05/2026 15:53

mummy917 · 19/05/2026 14:56

He’s definitely not doing 50/50 and continues to disappear quite a few nights during the week to the gym or to see his mum/brother.

I haven’t had a great amount of time to be able to sit and gather my thoughts.

Op, I think you need to start telling him that you are keen to begin 50/50 now. Tell him what nights you want to be responsible for the children and therefore when he will need to be responsible for their care. Then take that time to process what is happening, look after yourself and get head space. If you can be out of the house then try and be somewhere else otherwise you will end up helping out.

NameChangeMay2026 · 19/05/2026 15:57

mummy917 · 19/05/2026 08:49

I just wanted to post a quick update.

We sat and spoke last night for quite a while and I said it feels like he hates me, to which he said he still loves me but his mind is made up about still splitting up, then this morning when I asked if he would reconsider, he said he will speak to me later.

I really do not know what to think or how I should feel. How can you want to divorce someone but then say in the next breath that you still love them? I know that might sound like a completely stupid question, but it’s made it even harder to accept that he’d want a divorce if he still loves me.

At this point I feel it’d have been easier if he was cheating on me because there’d be no blurred lines.

Oh yeah, mine said he had never stopped loving me, too, all while assassinating my character and everything about me, putting me under insane pressure over my weight, telling me that living with me was making him suicidal, and finally walking out on me for good because I had some pesto in the fridge.

But he had never stopped loving me, you understand. 🤣

Actually, I've just had a flash of insight. I think I know what this is all about.

Every man knows that walking out on your wife, especially your wife and kids, is cad behaviour. They know full well that it's the opposite of protector and provider behaviour, the opposite of what it means to be a man, a good man, a gentleman, a knight in shining armour. They know that leaving your woman to face the world alone is the lowest of male behaviour. They know that they are leaving you unprotected. (Yes, I know this is 2026 and we are not living in a fairytale; I'm talking purely in terms of irrational male psychology here.)

However! They cannot have their self-image of a good man ruined that way. They must neutralise their shame and preserve their knight self-image. Because they are not the kind of lowlife who does bad things to women, no way!

So they preserve their view of their own male integrity, and their positive sense of themselves as a man, by making out that you're the villain and that, le sigh, they still love you and would be with you still, were it not for your horrific behaviour and character. So sad are they, that they loved you so much but that you are so terrible that you drove them away. So terrible that they might have committed suicide if they had stayed! Said mine, anyway. Which is interesting since I've never managed to inspire such strong emotions in anyone else I've lived with, and they're all still in rude health!

It's a psychological dance on which you come off worst. The purpose is to avoid admitting to themselves that they swore off the woman they promised to love and cherish forever, so that they could stick their dick in someone else. To admit that to themselves would shatter their sense of being a man.

Mine dumped me so that he could have a chance of sticking his dick in women who are slimmer than me. He denies this even though he is very, very clear that he left because of my weight.

These marital dumpings are all about sex, at the end of the day. They cannot live up to the promises of marriage, they want to get rid of a good woman and break all their promises so that they can wiggle their worm in lots of different pussies, hoping to get younger ones and better bodies. That's what it comes down to. They broke up their marriages to good, loyal women for sex and lust, which makes them into the worst kind of lowlife scumbag men. They know it, we know it, but they'll do anything to put us off the scent of knowing it.

They are creeps, every single last one of them.

BruFord · 19/05/2026 16:13

mummy917 · 19/05/2026 14:56

He’s definitely not doing 50/50 and continues to disappear quite a few nights during the week to the gym or to see his mum/brother.

I haven’t had a great amount of time to be able to sit and gather my thoughts.

@mummy917 That needs to change right now. If he wants 50:50, he can do 50:50. Or he can start giving you the equivalent of CMS based on how much childcare he's actually doing.

I know you don't want to split up, but you need to start thinking only about your and your children's best interests, not what suits him. Disappearing on the assumption that you'll provide childcare isn't on, he needs to stick to a schedule. It's very hard, but try to view him as you would a close friend's partner - would you want them to be treated like this? No, so don't let it happen to you either. Flowers

G5000 · 19/05/2026 16:38

yup all the script. He loves you and did all he could to keep the family together, but you are just such a horrible person, impossible to live with despite all his efforts.
It is just a coincidence that the horribleness of wives is discovered at the same time OW appears, nothing to do with that, oh no.

mummy917 · 19/05/2026 17:35

I’m genuinely starting to believe what he’s saying about me being the type of person he says I am and that that’s what has resulted in him wanting to split up.

I have my first therapy appointment on 1st June and I’m hoping this helps me make more sense of things xx

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 19/05/2026 17:43

I’d be telling him he has to be looking after the kids Tuesday, Thursday and Friday and every second Sunday because they are your nights and if he wants 50/50 then he gets it but you get it too so you get nights off. And take them. Go to the cinema, go see friends, whatever really, the point is to show him that 50/50 means you get free time too, not that he gets to dump the kids whenever it suits him without a by or leave but you never get a free day.

Start taking your free time.

mummy917 · 19/05/2026 17:45

Sodthesystem · 19/05/2026 17:43

I’d be telling him he has to be looking after the kids Tuesday, Thursday and Friday and every second Sunday because they are your nights and if he wants 50/50 then he gets it but you get it too so you get nights off. And take them. Go to the cinema, go see friends, whatever really, the point is to show him that 50/50 means you get free time too, not that he gets to dump the kids whenever it suits him without a by or leave but you never get a free day.

Start taking your free time.

Edited

He’s already planned to go to the gym tonight and to see his brother on Thursday night but I’ve made plans tomorrow night with my best friend. I understand where people are coming from, but our 4 year old gets upset if I’m not there for bedtime so I’m also limited in that respect too as to how much time I can take on a night.

OP posts:
Sodthesystem · 19/05/2026 17:48

Thats understandable but something she is going to have to work through with daddy anyway because when you split there will be some nights it is just him. At least you have some time to start getting her used to it. Have a sit down conversation with her and find out what would make it easier for her. Eg, if dad reads her a story before bed or if she needs a night light left on.

It’s good you’re going out with your friend. But if your daughter doesn’t settle when you are out, he needs to learn how to help her do so.

proudtobescottiah · 19/05/2026 17:49

mummy917 · 19/05/2026 17:45

He’s already planned to go to the gym tonight and to see his brother on Thursday night but I’ve made plans tomorrow night with my best friend. I understand where people are coming from, but our 4 year old gets upset if I’m not there for bedtime so I’m also limited in that respect too as to how much time I can take on a night.

He may have made plans but plans can be changed xx

mummy917 · 19/05/2026 17:53

Sodthesystem · 19/05/2026 17:48

Thats understandable but something she is going to have to work through with daddy anyway because when you split there will be some nights it is just him. At least you have some time to start getting her used to it. Have a sit down conversation with her and find out what would make it easier for her. Eg, if dad reads her a story before bed or if she needs a night light left on.

It’s good you’re going out with your friend. But if your daughter doesn’t settle when you are out, he needs to learn how to help her do so.

Absolutely and totally get this. It’s one of my worries when he has her overnight in his own place and I’m hoping tomorrow night helps her get used to it more, and him too. She has a night light already which also helps.

I’m hoping my night with my friend helps me to
clear my head a little bit, even if it’s only for a few hours xx

OP posts:
Feelingstressedbutdoingmybest · 19/05/2026 17:53

mummy917 · 19/05/2026 17:45

He’s already planned to go to the gym tonight and to see his brother on Thursday night but I’ve made plans tomorrow night with my best friend. I understand where people are coming from, but our 4 year old gets upset if I’m not there for bedtime so I’m also limited in that respect too as to how much time I can take on a night.

I'm sorry this is hard but I think it would be helpful for the four year old to get used to his father doing bedtime as well. If you are going to split up he may well be doing overnights with him.

Everintroverte · 19/05/2026 19:21

mummy917 · 19/05/2026 17:45

He’s already planned to go to the gym tonight and to see his brother on Thursday night but I’ve made plans tomorrow night with my best friend. I understand where people are coming from, but our 4 year old gets upset if I’m not there for bedtime so I’m also limited in that respect too as to how much time I can take on a night.

He's already planning as if you will have the children most of the time and he is free to do what he wants, when he wants. And that just isnt the case! He needs to start getting his head around the reality of 50/50.
It will actually probably help your daughter to settle without you while she is in your house in the bed she is used too rather than waiting until he is in a new place to try.

mummy917 · 19/05/2026 19:44

Everintroverte · 19/05/2026 19:21

He's already planning as if you will have the children most of the time and he is free to do what he wants, when he wants. And that just isnt the case! He needs to start getting his head around the reality of 50/50.
It will actually probably help your daughter to settle without you while she is in your house in the bed she is used too rather than waiting until he is in a new place to try.

Yeah this is very true and I’m hoping it helps her.

He just seems to be happy to come and go as he pleases and I think that is the freedom he is looking forward to once we are living apart.

OP posts:
NameChangeMay2026 · 19/05/2026 19:44

G5000 · 19/05/2026 16:38

yup all the script. He loves you and did all he could to keep the family together, but you are just such a horrible person, impossible to live with despite all his efforts.
It is just a coincidence that the horribleness of wives is discovered at the same time OW appears, nothing to do with that, oh no.

Brilliant! Yes, quite the coincidence.

Everintroverte · 19/05/2026 19:48

mummy917 · 19/05/2026 19:44

Yeah this is very true and I’m hoping it helps her.

He just seems to be happy to come and go as he pleases and I think that is the freedom he is looking forward to once we are living apart.

He will have freedom, as will you, 50% of the time. I think lots of 'D'H's have an idealised view of what there free time will look like and how often they will have it until they actually try running a house and having their child 50% of the time and all that entails.

BruFord · 19/05/2026 19:53

Everintroverte · 19/05/2026 19:48

He will have freedom, as will you, 50% of the time. I think lots of 'D'H's have an idealised view of what there free time will look like and how often they will have it until they actually try running a house and having their child 50% of the time and all that entails.

@Everintroverte Yes, and if it's not going to be 50:50, he can start paying the CMS, can't he. Honestly, he sounds like a child.

Everintroverte · 19/05/2026 19:54

BruFord · 19/05/2026 19:53

@Everintroverte Yes, and if it's not going to be 50:50, he can start paying the CMS, can't he. Honestly, he sounds like a child.

Exactly that! Drives me mad these men that think they can just check out of family life and leave their wife to it all.

mummy917 · 19/05/2026 19:56

He’s acted like someone I don’t even know throughout this entire time and it’s very nearly broken me.

I’m more than happy to agree to 50/50 although I’m not confident he fully understands either what it will actually look like in reality.

OP posts:
Holdinguphalfthesky · Yesterday 07:58

Sodthesystem · 19/05/2026 17:43

I’d be telling him he has to be looking after the kids Tuesday, Thursday and Friday and every second Sunday because they are your nights and if he wants 50/50 then he gets it but you get it too so you get nights off. And take them. Go to the cinema, go see friends, whatever really, the point is to show him that 50/50 means you get free time too, not that he gets to dump the kids whenever it suits him without a by or leave but you never get a free day.

Start taking your free time.

Edited

If he is being “reasonable” then can you sit down together and actually discuss what 50:50 might look like (ie it isn’t him just getting the choice of not being a parent whenever the fancy takes him)? As pp suggest, you could probably go alternate nights while you live together, or maybe split the week in two while your kids are little. Make sure you each get some weekend- maybe you get Saturday afternoon to Wednesday morning and he gets Wednesday afternoon to Saturday afternoon (or vice versa).

If he doesn’t do this, start keeping notes about what you are doing for the kids, and put in a claim to CMA.

mummy917 · Yesterday 09:23

Holdinguphalfthesky · Yesterday 07:58

If he is being “reasonable” then can you sit down together and actually discuss what 50:50 might look like (ie it isn’t him just getting the choice of not being a parent whenever the fancy takes him)? As pp suggest, you could probably go alternate nights while you live together, or maybe split the week in two while your kids are little. Make sure you each get some weekend- maybe you get Saturday afternoon to Wednesday morning and he gets Wednesday afternoon to Saturday afternoon (or vice versa).

If he doesn’t do this, start keeping notes about what you are doing for the kids, and put in a claim to CMA.

We’ve spoken about what 50/50 would look like. He went to the gym last night so I had the kids, I’m going out tonight so he will have them and then he’s going out tomorrow night.

He wants to have a “family bbq” on Saturday and just expects I’ll be able to act normal in front of the kids.

OP posts:
McBuckers · Yesterday 10:16

So he throws a metaphorical grenade into the family and then wants a family BBQ at the weekend. Personally, I would decline.

BringaBintarongAlong · Yesterday 11:04

He has told you you are no longer family so you cannot have a family bbq. This may be easier when your anger arrives and you could tell this appalling person where he can shove his family bbq. He is asking for everything and giving nothing and blaming you.
No one is perfect but you deserve more OP 💐

mummy917 · Yesterday 12:30

I keep waiting for this anger to arrive but mostly I go between feeling upset to numb and then back again.

I told him I think a bbq is a ridiculous idea given the circumstances.

OP posts:
Holdinguphalfthesky · Yesterday 13:06

What tf is wrong with some men? Seriously 😟

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