Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided

[mummy917]

Just as it says in the title really.
Everything seemed fine until around 7 weeks ago. Then out of nowhere my husband accused me of being controlling, saying that over the course of our relationship, I had stopped him doing things he enjoyed and that I had said some hurtful things during arguments, which we were said in the heat of the
moment.
I held my hands up to saying hurtful things and said it came from a place where I felt as though there has been no consideration for me and as though my feelings aren’t worth anything. He often stays in bed on a morning while I sort out our kids who are all still young and I have said I have expectations that he helps out on a morning too. As for the controlling him, I have said to him over the years that sometimes it’d be nice if he would miss football for the odd weekend so we could do things as a family or have expressed my dislike at him coming in from a night out at 5am when we have children and other responsibilities.
He has mentioned occasions from 10+ years ago where I’ve asked him to forego football to spend the day with me after we’d been at work all week and I honestly don’t know how he can even remember specifics from that far back.
We both work full time and I work nights predominantly due to childcare.
Around 6 weeks ago he said he had hit his limit and wasn’t sure if he wanted to continue with our relationship. This threw me into a very dark place and I said I would take a step back in terms of losing my temper when I feel like I’m not being heard, which I’ve done, although he said this isn’t enough. I’m now on antidepressants, signed off sick from work and have a therapy appointment booked.
He has said he is done and is now looking for somewhere else to live but refuses to leave our home (rented not bought) until he has found somewhere. He has turned so cold towards me and acts like he hates me. I go from feeling devastated to angry and at this point feel as though I’m stuck in some awful limbo.
I’ve been in touch with a solicitor but was just hoping others who have been in the same boat could give me words of wisdom that things will feel less dark in time?
Thank you

you are not a horrible person. He is trying to convince both you and himself that you were - to justify his own behaviour. 'See what you made me do?'

It’s insidious because it doesn’t start with unreasonable, it starts with small things. It’s very much the frog in boiling water scenario.

As for your self esteem- I came out and felt better pretty quickly, although it was still difficult to deny him things and to coparent because I was so used to trying to appease him. However, thinking I was well I walked into another wrong relationship which I’m still ashamed of. I then spent five years single and that made me well. I now choose my husband and he chooses me, and we both communicate well and support each other. If he does before me, or we split up, I won’t bother trying to find another man. I know I can live with myself, and although I still have self esteem issues they stem from childhood, were reinforced in those toxic relationships, but I know how to counter them now as I’ve done a lot of work and continue to do so.

You will get there. Once the FOG lifts even a bit it’s like your whole self can relax.

Get hold of a copy of Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It’s so helpful.

I’m so sorry, you’re not controlling, you have four children and have your hands full. He is being unreasonable, I agree he is most likely having an affair. I doubt very much he will have the kids 50/50, when you do most of the childcare already. Look into benefits you may be entitled too. Also you will be entitled to 25% off your council tax bill. Look into cms claims. Confide in family and friends for support, also get in touch with a solicitor x

I have looked into all of the benefits etc that I’d be entitled to, it’s just finding the strength to do it.

We have been to our son’s rugby presentation this morning and honestly I don’t know how I held it together. I broke down as soon as I got back into the car as it hit home that these family things would not be happening anymore and how much I really don’t want this. I feel as though it’s one step forward and 10 back and it’s made worse by the fact I literally have no choice in it xx

I am finding exactly those kind of events really hard too op. How did he respond to you when you got upset?
Feeling like you have no choice or control is probably the hardest part - at least for me.
It helps a little for me (and i hope this helps you too) to know that 2 years ago I had a choice to allow him back and I took it. I could have spent those 2 years healing and maybe starting a new relationship. Instead I'm right back here. So my choice now is knowing that I won't ever choose to have him back again.
I also look at the small choices I have each day while he still lives here. I can choose to show him the version of me that makes me feel good about myself, I show up cheerfully and enjoy my time with the kids around him. I say thank you when he does something for me or them. I see my friends and I crack on with my life. Of course I cry on my own, of course I wrestle wirh thoughts of could I try and keep him again, but I choose not to show those pieces to him. I choose not to respond when he's moody. I choose not to let myself spiral when I see him take his phone to the toilet and I choose to recognise that his choices are his and they come with consequences for him too even if he doesn't see them clearly in the moment.
Whatever happens, he won't be able to undo these weeks. They'll leave a scar. Right now you want to roll back the clock to the husband you thought you had but he is gone and this is the one you are working with.
Big hugs

I broke down as soon as I got back into the car as it hit home that these family things would not be happening anymore and how much I really don’t want this.
I can understand that. But you need to realise that "family" isn't a real concept when you are in an abusive relationship. Family is only worth saving when everyone values and supports each other otherwise it is only existing in your imagination.

And because it only exists in your brain it is very hard to let go, to open those eyes, and have the harsh cold daylight of reality slap you across the face. But you need to embrace that reality so you can move on healthily. So you can protect yourself, and by extension protect the children, from an abusive , controlling, manipulative, nasty man.

It's time to let go of that lovely dream OP, it was never real. I'm sorry

He didn’t really react just asked me to talk to him about it, which I did and I have since had to come upstairs to cry away from the kids.
I feel like my life is just spiralling and I have no way to stop it.
Yeah, I totally get where you’re coming from about how different you’d feel if you’d not taken him back and where you’d be now. I also totally get the feeling of wanting to keep him and just go back to how things were.
I like you am also trying to hold it together in front of both the kids and him, as I already feel like he’s seen me in an absolute state enough over the last 7 weeks.
The hardest part is accepting that this is his choice and there’s nothing I can do to get my husband back. At times, I’ve honestly felt like I must’ve been the worst wife in the world to end up in this situation.
I have been told by a lot of people that the reality will hit him too, but I honestly don’t believe it. He seems to be coping much better than me and things like the rugby presentation today didn’t seem to phase him at all.

Sending you lots of love too, it’s so so hard xx

Thank you for your reassuring words, I really hope I can begin to see it from the perspective very soon xx

I'm so sorry. I know how hard this is.
You're feeling broken.

Only time gets you through this sort of thing. It's a shock to the system to have this happen.

Just a heads up op, it may be he has no intention of going through with the split. And that the whole thing was just to exert control over you. A psychological warfare. You'll see this if he starts dragging his heels about actually leaving.

Alternatively, if he is having an affair or looking to, it may be he hasn't got another woman who is fully ready for him to latch on yet, so he will drag his heels about leaving you.

Just be aware he might start acting like he never said the things he said and never intended to leave. Which of course will be a major head fuck.

But if he does, you're going to have to remember how he treated you these past few months and find the strength to push through with getting rid of him. Because otherwise, at any point down the line, he could pull the same move again. Or something different but equally as awful. Because he has shown he has contempt for you.

Don't let desire for things to go back to how they were, subdue you. They can't go back to how they were because now you know what he is capable of. He is not a safe person.

The thing is, no matter what he says or says he feels, it is confusing. My husband left never once saying anything horrid to me, quite the opposite. He said he still loved me, that he always would, but just couldn’t be with me. He said he hoped I’d be happy, that I deserved the best in life, that I was a lovely person. He blamed himself and said he was a broken man and that I deserved better, all while crying himself… blah blah blah! It meant I just didn’t understand what had happened. The thing I said for months over and over, was ‘I just don’t understand’.

Obviously in the cold light of day, I began to understand. He said it to assuage the guilt, and that’s why your husband is doing the opposite.

edit: sorry I think I quoted the wrong post.

He's coping better because he is mentally and emotionally ahead of you on this - he was the one to instigate the split and it's still quite probable he has had an affair / is having an affair / has plans to start a new relationship. You are playing catch up.

And families come in all shapes and sizes - you and your children are still a family.
In time, you and he might find peace in each other's company and you will be able to function as a family even though you don't all live together.

But of course,these kind of events feel hard at first. I remember really struggling to hold back tears at a music concert one of my kids was playing in soon after our split. I was sitting next to my exH & his sister and family and I felt like I just wasn't part of any of it anymore. It hurt like anything but I survived and you will too.

There is that saying that "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger" and this is certainly the case with this kind of situation. You are going through the hardest part now but time is a great healer and you will begin to feel stronger. You won't notice it at first but something will make you look back and you will see how far you have come.

Journaling your feelings is great for this because it can help you to offload but also help you monitor your progress.

Op he already has had the time to process his feelings you are way behind him and because he chose it for himself it’s easier for him to deal with it. Have you told the kids or family because this will make it all feel real and maybe help you talk about it and with kids you also have to let them process it too maybe over the next school holidays so it won’t upset them at school. Your dh is a selfish man and really won’t care how you feel this is all about him. Once they decide they turn to ice where you are concerned.

We haven’t told the kids yet, however my parents and his both know. I don’t want to tell the kids until he has a house and a moving date ideally.

I’ve spent the afternoon upstairs and left him to look after the 4 kids after I was upset this morning. It’s took all I have not to go down and help when I’ve heard him struggling, but I know he needs to learn to figure things out on his own now too.

These men will tell you anything - I didn't thank him each day for being a good husband , I didn't ask him what he had had for his dinner, I didn't make enough of our silver wedding anniversary ( just after I found out he cheated) , I wasn't on his team , honestly the shit is endless. I was talking about this to my now husband just the other day and I was saying any animosity I feel towards my ex h is not because of the divorce ( although that is another story - he was a runaway) it's because of the mental torture that he put me through for several years beforehand assassinating my character. This behaviour is the lowest of the low and why do they do it ? To make themselves feel less guilty - to dredge up reasons why they are right in what they are doing !

I absolutely get where you’re coming from in terms of assassinating your character; I feel as though my husband has well and truly torn mine apart and left me wondering if I really am this truly shitty person he’s made out I am.

I do agree that he’s further on in this emotionally than I am as he’s the one who’s made this decision. Still no further forward in finding out if there’s another woman though. Don’t think I ever will.

It’s lovely to hear you’re happily remarried now and with a man who sees your worth xx

I just wanted to post a quick update.

We sat and spoke last night for quite a while and I said it feels like he hates me, to which he said he still loves me but his mind is made up about still splitting up, then this morning when I asked if he would reconsider, he said he will speak to me later.

I really do not know what to think or how I should feel. How can you want to divorce someone but then say in the next breath that you still love them? I know that might sound like a completely stupid question, but it’s made it even harder to accept that he’d want a divorce if he still loves me.

At this point I feel it’d have been easier if he was cheating on me because there’d be no blurred lines.

You can love someone but not be 'in love' with them. He could love and respect you as a person, friend and mum. But not be happy with his life with you.

That doesn't mean you have done anything wrong, no matter what reasons he has given you whilst trying to justify his decision. He has possibly just changed himself, and wants something different from the rest of his life.

It is more difficult sometimes to accept this decision as the betrayal doesn't feel as strong. Its harder to justify the anger. But hopefully in the long term, assuming he hasn't been cheating, hopefully it allows you to be more amicable.

It really does sound like in his mind at least, your relationship has run its course. It is very hard to accept, but please do try. Please respect yourself enough to not beg him. Please don't try to force a man who has said he wants to leave to stay. You want to be with someone who fully loves you and is committed to you. That isn't him now. If you stay together, I feel a part of you will always be worried about him saying this again.

I really hope you find a way to mentally and emotionally get through this. Use friends, family, a therapist. Whatever you can. And try to learn to love yourself again.

Sorry OP, sounds like my ex of 25 years rewriting history. I stopped him doing things …. We had four kids! OW knew the adult him not the teenage him etc …… He’s has his head turned

I heard all this from my husband too op. I love you, you and the kids are still the most important people in the world to me blah blah blah but I'm still leaving.
He was in an affair.
They are trying to ease their guilt, they want to keep you attached as it benefits them. Chump lady talks a lot about this, them needing to keep both or you somewhat on the hook with them the prize in the middle. It may even be that things aren't all roses with his ow (I would still bet my life there is one)
Keep focused on the man he's been these last few weeks and what he has put you through. That is rhe man you have to want to stay with if you reconcile, not the one you thought you had.

You are all absolutely right and I need to continue seeing him for the way he’s treated me over the last 2 months. He messaged me again this afternoon saying he’s booked another house viewing so I guess that’s my answer anyway.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I am going through similar with my STBXH. He walked out on me and our DS 6 days after we put our house up for sale to move back to where our family are. Before Christmas I found out he had been lying to me for a year, not coming home from work but saying he was working late. He is adamant there is no OW and says he was just sitting in his car for hours on end 🤦🏽‍♀️ he begged me not to leave him etc… 4 weeks later he walked out on us. Won’t talk to me, won’t communicate, offered me everything at the start and now is trying to take everything from me. I miss him terribly, but it’s not who he is now I miss. I don’t recognise the person he is now.

@mummy917 How's it going with the childcare? I hope he's doing what he's agreed to, as you need time to get your thoughts together and sort out what you need to do.

He’s definitely not doing 50/50 and continues to disappear quite a few nights during the week to the gym or to see his mum/brother.

I haven’t had a great amount of time to be able to sit and gather my thoughts.