I want to tell man's wife of affair, how do I build the evidence?

[Somersettler]

My best friend (F47) has been having an affair with a married man (M51) for 7 years. He has ruined her life while she has waited for him to leave his wife. My friend has neglected her family and friends in favour of him, and has never been interested in any other serious relationships with other men because of him. She's lonely, and turned to drink to ease her unhappiness. I think she's been unhappy for years because of him.

He has been stringing her along with excuses as to why now is not the right time to leave his wife, says he will eventually, says his relationship with his wife is dead. All the usual stuff. Every 6 months or so she would find the strength to try to end the relationship. Usually when he broke her heart letting her down, not being there for her, or generally treating her like the bit on the side that she has always been. But every time she's tried to get rid of him, he has come crawling back with gifts, and nights away and has always managed to keep her hooked on him. I hate him for what he's doing to her.

Tragically my friend has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. My grief and sadness has turned to anger at how he's made her so unhappy for so long. He won't be there for her when she needs him, he's not going to be holding her hand when she's going through treatment.

I want revenge. I won't do anything to upset my friend but if my friend doesn't make it, I absolutely intend to tell his wife. He's got away with it for far too long, and he's taking the piss out of his poor wife. He doesn't get to go back to normal when my friend passes away. I want to destroy him.

The problem is I don't have any proof of their affair. If I tell his wife, he can lie his, way out of it.

So I need to start gathering evidence. What proof do I need and how do I gather it?

A few years ago I had a similar but slightly different situation, and a dilemma. My newly married friend’s husband tried it on with me…now, what was I to do? Blurt it out and tell her? Of course that’s what everybody told me to do. But it wasn’t that simple. You must tell your friend now! You’d be a terrible friend not to! Ok, situation is different. But I had to stop and think. They were newly married, he was probably trying to adjust to married life. They were trying to find their feet. I basically told him where to go and he didn’t do it again. But I didnt tell her. Because it would destroy her, what good would it do? Me telling her would be more about me then being a ‘good friend’ she also out of anger could have blamed me, felt humiliation and never want to speak to me again- people invest a lot in being married. They are still married and are ok. I don’t know what he was trying to prove but if she was going to find out he was a cheating scumbag I decided it wasn’t going to be from me. I’d be there to pick up the pieces if she did ever find out he was doing this with anybody else, more than anything I think he enjoyed the thrill of it more than anything. Not actually doing anything. But I was called a bad friend you name it when ever I mentioned this in confidence to people, because the knee jerk reaction is you must tell your friend ‘his wife’. The woman in question has made the decision to have an affair with a married man. His wife if she doesn’t already know ( which she might do ) is the innocent in this - if you have issue. Talk directly to him. Hopefully things will shift now she has a diagnosis. Life Will change dramatically.

OP has only bern here for 30 minutes, yesterday

But it won't help his wife. It will be incredibly cruel to her. She won't be able to get any answers as your friend is gone. You tell her, he says you are some weirdo who he doesn't know and you are lying, and then she is left there confused and hurt because there is no where for her to go to get more information as your friend will be gone by then. So what you will be doing, is hurting a woman who has done nothing to deserve it.

Totally with you on this.

Painting her friend as a victim when she knew full well she was shagging a married man is a wild take.

You should have texts from your friends to show the wife, and you should have group chats where you talk about the affair with your other friends: I certainly would! That should be evidence enough. I would write a letter with lots of screen shots of these messages and the leaflet from your friends funeral.

in the meantime, bank that thought, and just focus on being a good friend for her and supporting as well as you can. Plan a holiday if her treatment allows or some nice days out with her.

I should think it’s extremely likely that the wife already knows (at the least strongly suspects) about the affair.

i think some of the best advice in life is to stay out of other people’s business and out of other people’s marriages.

You don’t know the wife, you don’t know her life and you don’t know what’s really going on in their marriage. It is not for you to “solve” or to “avenge”.

I'm sorry to hear about your friend 💐
I absolutely understand where you're coming from and I know most have said to keep out of it but I don't think I could carry on knowing and not say anything to the wife. Too many people know already and this scumbag of a guy has gotten away with it for too long as it is. Yes, the wife may already know but she might not. Would you want to know if the roles were reversed? I bet most people would.
Of course be there for your friend and help her any way you can but I'd also quietly keep notes of when, what time and where he's been seeing your friend, any intimate details she's shared over the years, etc. You'll have a log of it all and if you were to tell the wife somehow, she could match the dates and times of when he's been disappearing. Also you could take screenshots of any photos your friend may have privately shared of them both.
You might feel differently in the future and realise he's not worth your time or headspace but having it all there 'just in case' might make you feel better.
I really do hope karma catches up with him and your friend doesn't waste another precious minute on him ❤️

@Somersettler you also said "my friend has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer."

The term 'terminal' is something very specific and means she has under 6 months left. Incurable cancer on the other hand can last for many years. That aside, keep your sticky beak out of something that is absolutely non of your business.

I can understand you being upset about your friend's diagnosis but you are turning around to make it all about you. She made her own choices to knowingly have an affair with a married man who, other than the sex, was unavailable to her. She is no innocent in this and your energies would be best spent in supporting her with her health challenges rather than spreading misery - misery, with you at the centre.

Too many people know already and this scumbag of a guy has gotten away with it for too long as it is.

If that many people already know, OP's input isn't necessary. And his wife isn't a prop to be weaponised because people who have nothing to do with it want to punish him.

It doesn't make a person an avenging angel, it makes them a horrible busybody who, like the cheater, is prepared to risk sacrificing the innocent wife's wellbeing if it makes them feel good. And if OP really cares about her friend, she won't mess up her memory even further after she's gone. It's just nothing to do with her. She even admits the friend wouldn't want it, so who's she really trying to please? And at whose risk?

I can’t believe the vast majority want this man to continue to get away with an affair. And want his poor wife to still not know about it.
Op I would absolutely tell his wife. She deserves the truth.

Your op really doesn't show any concern for this man's wife at all. Yes she deserves to know, but does she deserve to be ambushed with info by the other woman's angry friend? I wouldn't tell anyone this information unless I would be part of their support network to deal with it afterwards.

Nobody wants him to get away with it, we just don't want fools rushing in on things that are nothing to do with them and doing damage to innocents and raking up horrible shit after someone's dead.

She's not the police of intimate lives, it's nothing to do with her, it's pure displaced vengeance. Some of us don't believe that it's worth absolutely any cost to make a cheater suffer even when they're nothing to do with us.

People always trot this out. The people I know whose partners had affairs didn’t know about it until it all blew up and they left. My STBXH travelled a lot with work. I didn’t know for a fact where he was. He could easily have had affairs and I wouldn’t have had a clue. It’s extremely common for women not to know their partners are having affairs. I know someone who has been having an affair for twenty years. His wife doesn’t know.

How she has LET him treat her. Stop acting like she is a victim in all of this. She is a grown woman, she knew what she was doing.

Wow. I am going to assume you mean well, but the first poster had it: Keep your beak out.

I’m very sorry about your friend, OP.

From your posts, one sentence in particular sticks out:

He doesn't deserve to get away with it

This suggests you think he is getting away with it while your friend is being punished - presumably because of the cancer. But she isn’t being punished. She HAS got away with it; in the sense that she hasn’t been caught, at least.

Your friend doesn’t have cancer because karma/God/the universe is punishing her. She had cancer because more than one in three of us do at some point. And it’s shit. Dying before 50 is a cruel hand to be dealt. But that’s all it is. You wouldn’t be righting some karmic wrong by trying to find a way to punish him.

You’ve had seven years to tell the wife. You ultimately decided sticking by your friend was more important to you. And I don’t blame you for that; we all want to see the best in those we love. It will have been easier to see your friend as the manipulated other woman who was made false promises than as someone who did this for seven years eyes wide open.

But she did do it. And if you somehow manage to tell the wife and get her to believe you, what then? What if she goes to your friend’s grieving children for answers - or worse, for revenge?

Do not open this can of worms.

While I genuinely feel sorry for your friend- as I would anybody who hasn't done anything downright evil-this plan of your's is f*ing ridiculous and unhinged.

P. S. After all this time, the wife probably knows, anyway so you're wasting your time.

Don't do it, it will achieve nothing and it is possible his wife already knows and has known all along.

I hope your friend recovers and becomes more sensible but it really is nobody else's business.

Im sorry about your friends illness and that she has chosen to be in a relationship with a married man who wasn't truthful with her or his wife.
It will be painful to hear this in the current circumstances but your friend did this to herself,she chose to be with a man who wasnt committed to her and he wont be now in her darkest hour.
If I were you id focus on being there for her .
As for wanting revenge on him thats not your place unless your friend wants that.
After my husband died aged 48 yrs ,i received a letter saying he had had a 4 yr affair with a woman who had also died. I could never be certain if there was any truth in it,he never gave me reason to be suspicious and i didnt understand the motive of telling me ....
In your situation ,if your friend dies ,it will be difficult to prove if you do choose to tell his wife and my guess is it wont have the "revenge" effect you desire.
Your friend will be besmirched when she is no longer hear to defend herself.
Im sorry you are hurting and angry on your friends behalf but let her decide what is important to her now..

This all seems to be about you and your feelings and anger. Keep out of everyone else’s business and drop the main character energy.

I am sorry your friend is so ill.
However, if your friend does not want you to tell his wife, are you not going against her explicit wishes should she pass away, when she can no longer object? This sounds as if it is all about what you want to happen, not your friend.
Your friend has had choices for seven years. You have had choices for seven years.
The husband has had choices for seven years.
The ‘poor wife’ as you call her (odd that you seem to pity her despite helping keep their dirty secret from her for seven years) does not even know that for seven years, two people, one of which is her own husband, were making choices that were severely threatening her future and her health.
Telling her you have known about this, that other people have known about this, for seven years, but stood aside and watched, will devastate her, along with the truth of her situation.
Once your friend has passed away, this ‘poor wife’ will have nobody’s word for it, nobody to tell her the truth, except her lying husband. She won’t be able to contact your friend or ever really know who the woman was who slept with her husband for seven years.

She will question why OW’s best friend suddenly decided to spill the beans and come to a rapid conclusion that she has been used, with no thought for her feelings, by him, by your friend and also by you. You are just using her as a means to an end, she’s the way you get your revenge, because this isn’t about your friend’s anger and thirst for vengeance, it’s all about yours. She will see that you cared nothing for her ignorance for seven years and also see that in ‘avenging’ your friend (who wants you to mind your own business), you are quite prepared to see her feelings as nothing more than collateral damage.
To dress this up as two birds with one stone, ie revenge on him, plus helping out the ‘poor wife’ who now, unfathomably, you’ve finally decided after seven years deserves to know, doesn’t fly.
His wife will be traumatised by the news and then again by the fact that she can’t ever talk to the OW if she wanted to.
Yes, she deserves to know and has done for years, but waiting until your friend’s possible passing, is just kicking a seven year can down the road again until you are safe to spill the beans.
Your friend’s illness is the catalyst for this. No other part of this situation has changed for seven years, yet now your behaviour around it has.
This is more about your anger in dealing with your friend’s unhappy past, her present devastating diagnosis and her uncertain future.
You want somebody to pay for the rage you feel and are projecting that onto your friend’s situation. You’ve never got this angry about her situation as you are now, you’ve managed to keep a lid on it for seven years.
If you’re ever going to do it, do it as soon as possible. His wife has been treated badly enough and being used as collateral damage later, in order to hurt her husband, won’t make it any better. In fact it will feel worse, if that’s possible.
Your friend’s reputation will be in tatters (when this hits the fan the ripples and rumours will spread much further than you think) and yours won’t be any better, others may not understand why you did it. Your reputation might be affected too.
I always think the wife should be told, but to wait until there is no OW to corroborate or deny his version of events, also plays right into his hands. He might be devastated at the loss of your friend, but will no doubt be all about saving his marriage and rewrite the history of her memory to suit himself and his wife.
This will backfire massively, messengers often get shot.

Mind your own business would be a good place to start and end.

Wouldnt be surprised if the wife already knows .
Seven years is a long time to be cheating with another woman .
The wife may have decided to turn a blind eye .

I've followed this post most of the morning(Mumsnet logged me out and I can't get back on my account now for some reason)
I don't think the OP has got the answers she's looking for which is justification for what she wants to do. Her judgment is clouded for the fact that her best friend is being hurt in all this despite her bringing it all on herself. The fact she is now dying doesn't really mean that she's blameless in all of this. She's been knowingly shagging a married man for the last 7 years, expecting him to just up and leave his wife for her. You'd think that even before now she'd realise he isn't leaving his wife and she's nothing more than his bit of fun on the side. She's had plenty of time to know her self worth and leave the bastard alone but she's chose not to, the post even highlights that she is that besotted with him that she actively neglects her family and friends for this man. Surely he doesn't force her to continue with this sordid affair-she does so quite frankly because she doesn't give a shit about anyone but herself. Maybe her and him are well suited as they clearly don't care who they hurt to get what they want. They're laughing at his poor wife behind her back every single time they meet up. She knows he's married just as much as he does. This OP is angry as she sees her friend hurting and has her back regardless of the fact she knows deep down this mate of hers brings it all on herself while her mate would drop her in a second if this cheating scumbag was to call her up right now and offer her gifts and a night of sex with him. Telling his wife when she's dead achieves nothing other than hurting her. Don't bother saying she deserves to know either OP because if your morals really believed that you'd have told her everything a long time ago rather than waiting until your mates dead and buried just so that the poor woman can't possibly gain any closure from questions she may have for her husband's affair partner. Either tell her now or leave it alone

He's got away with it for 7 years. OP only wants to tell his wife all of this if and when her friend has passed on. What's that going to do? I agree his wife does deserve to know that she's married to a lying cheating scumbag but until her mate is actually dead and buried this woman isn't going to tell her anything. So she's saying basically if her friend does miraculously pull through and beat this terminal cancer then the wife won't be told a thing and her friend and him will be free to continue their affair. Doesn't really make sense. If her morals were that high the OP would have told his wife already and told her mate to do so too