I want to tell man's wife of affair, how do I build the evidence?

[Somersettler]

My best friend (F47) has been having an affair with a married man (M51) for 7 years. He has ruined her life while she has waited for him to leave his wife. My friend has neglected her family and friends in favour of him, and has never been interested in any other serious relationships with other men because of him. She's lonely, and turned to drink to ease her unhappiness. I think she's been unhappy for years because of him.

He has been stringing her along with excuses as to why now is not the right time to leave his wife, says he will eventually, says his relationship with his wife is dead. All the usual stuff. Every 6 months or so she would find the strength to try to end the relationship. Usually when he broke her heart letting her down, not being there for her, or generally treating her like the bit on the side that she has always been. But every time she's tried to get rid of him, he has come crawling back with gifts, and nights away and has always managed to keep her hooked on him. I hate him for what he's doing to her.

Tragically my friend has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. My grief and sadness has turned to anger at how he's made her so unhappy for so long. He won't be there for her when she needs him, he's not going to be holding her hand when she's going through treatment.

I want revenge. I won't do anything to upset my friend but if my friend doesn't make it, I absolutely intend to tell his wife. He's got away with it for far too long, and he's taking the piss out of his poor wife. He doesn't get to go back to normal when my friend passes away. I want to destroy him.

The problem is I don't have any proof of their affair. If I tell his wife, he can lie his, way out of it.

So I need to start gathering evidence. What proof do I need and how do I gather it?

Keep your beak out. No good will come of it.

No

Sorry about your friend. She knew he was married and carried on with the affair. She only has herself to blame.

Direct your energies into supporting your friend through her illness. Don't derail that by chasing about after this idiot. His wife might know and not care, maybe she has affairs herself, maybe she wants to stay with him anyway. You just don't know. Focus on your friend.

Edit. Sorry, was harsh. Bad moment.

Absolutely agree, she has chosen this. Doesn't stop me from hating him though

I understand you are angry but your friend chose this relationship. She really isn't the victim here.

If i were you, I'd focus on supporting her with her diagnosis and being there for her when this bloke inevitably disappears off the face of the earth.

Time spent gathering evidence and plotting vengeance is time wasted.

I absolutely will be focusing on her. But if she doesn't make it, my focus will shift to him.

And what happens if you compile evidence, give it to the wife, the wife stays and your friend is both furious and heartbroken when he ends it?

or conversely, if his wife leaves and he STILL doesn’t want to make a go of it.

there’s only heartache here OP. Just support your friend.

Sorry about your friend, however, she is definitely not an innocent victim.

Yes, you need to put your energies into your friend. I can totally see why you are angry though. What a pig.

If she does pass, then I'd probably turn up on his doorstep and tell them both. And I'm not usually remotely interested in this sort of thing.

I hope she gets through this okay - maybe things will turn out okay. x

And how will that help anyone?

Your friend knew she was seeing a married man. The victim here is his wife.

And if his wife accepts him on condition that he never sees or contacts your friend again? And he agrees - because he is clearly not going to leave his marriage voluntarily.

The problem is that your friend has been enabling this man to cheat and to keep her on the back burner for 7 years. She needs your support. not your meddling.

Focus on caring for her.

I think I'm just feeling the anger phase of the grief and shock if her diagnosis. I have watched her suffer for years with how he treats her. He doesn't deserve to get away with it

It will help his wife. She deserves to know.

It sounds harsh but she's done an immoral thing, too.

I would not be able to respect my friend who was carrying on with a married man. Or probably stay friends with someone like that.

She's lucky she has you to help her through.

He'll probably go to pieces when she dies and his wife will find out anyhow. No need to stir the pot.

I think some posters have misunderstood. I have no intention of doing anything while my friend is still with us. I won't do anything to upset her. But if she passes (the prognosis is not good), then I can't hurt her.

It’s not your place to “get revenge”. She is not a victim and has allowed him to treat her this way. He won’t be there to support her, but that is the price she pays for the choices she has made. Be there for her instead and leave him to his own conscience.

It was your friend's choice and not really your place to fix it or seek revenge. It's her business, not yours.

It's very sad, but I would just focus on supporting your friend.

So why have you not told her before now? I am sorry about your friend but she is absolutely not without blame.

Why didn't you want to tell them wife earlier?

To all her friends and family know that she was someone's OW? They will once you go forward with your plan. Which, maybe you don't care about but could "tarnish her memory" (for lack of a better way of saying it).

but if my friend doesn't make it, I absolutely intend to tell his wife. He's got away with it for far too long, and he's taking the piss out of his poor wife

Uhhm, you may be conveniently ‘forgetting’ that your friend also ‘got away with it’ for far too long, and your friend also took the piss out of his poor wife all this time. With that in mind, I’d just graciously leave it, and concentrate on supporting her and conveniently ‘forget’ about both of their actions with this prolonged tawdry episode.

Because my friend would never forgive me.

NOT your show and NOT your monkeys. You did not decide to have an affair with a married man, your friend did. Frankly, your role at the moment is to support your friend, wreaking revenge that is not asked for, is not your role in this situation, focus on your friend and stay out of her other affairs.