I want to tell man's wife of affair, how do I build the evidence?

[Somersettler]

My best friend (F47) has been having an affair with a married man (M51) for 7 years. He has ruined her life while she has waited for him to leave his wife. My friend has neglected her family and friends in favour of him, and has never been interested in any other serious relationships with other men because of him. She's lonely, and turned to drink to ease her unhappiness. I think she's been unhappy for years because of him.

He has been stringing her along with excuses as to why now is not the right time to leave his wife, says he will eventually, says his relationship with his wife is dead. All the usual stuff. Every 6 months or so she would find the strength to try to end the relationship. Usually when he broke her heart letting her down, not being there for her, or generally treating her like the bit on the side that she has always been. But every time she's tried to get rid of him, he has come crawling back with gifts, and nights away and has always managed to keep her hooked on him. I hate him for what he's doing to her.

Tragically my friend has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. My grief and sadness has turned to anger at how he's made her so unhappy for so long. He won't be there for her when she needs him, he's not going to be holding her hand when she's going through treatment.

I want revenge. I won't do anything to upset my friend but if my friend doesn't make it, I absolutely intend to tell his wife. He's got away with it for far too long, and he's taking the piss out of his poor wife. He doesn't get to go back to normal when my friend passes away. I want to destroy him.

The problem is I don't have any proof of their affair. If I tell his wife, he can lie his, way out of it.

So I need to start gathering evidence. What proof do I need and how do I gather it?

Have you thought it possible that his wife might already know and (a) may not care or (b) be having an affair of her own?

Don't go there.

edited for typos

I absolutely would be turning up on his doorstep and telling them both. I wouldn’t worry about ‘evidence’ of he has been seeing your friend for 7 years I refuse to believe the wife isn’t a bit suspect anyway

How do people know she doesn’t already know and is actually quite happy with the arrangement. People have no idea what happens in peoples marriages, hence why he won’t leave her. He gets exactly what he wants. Punishing the poor wife to look the you have the moral high ground doesn’t work. She may know, they may both do this. It’s not that simple.

I'm not sure anyone misunderstood anything but your screwed up logic that if your friend doesn't pass then you won't tell his wife. So what's all this that you posted saying his wife deserves to know?..clearly you think she doesn't deserve to know enough that you'll wait for your mate to die before she knows.....do you not think that maybe his wife would like some answers from the woman her husband has been sleeping with for the last 7years? because she won't get any truth out of him he's lying to her already whereas she may look at the point that his side piece may actually tell her what he won't

Your friend doesn’t sound like a very nice person. No morals. Why are you so angry at just him?
The man’s wife is the actual victim here.

Please don’t do it. I’m not trying to judge anyone here, but try to think about your friend first. After 7 years, I honestly feel like the wife may already know and has chosen not to act on it. If you tell the married man’s wife, I can’t really see a positive outcome coming from it. It could seriously damage your friend’s relationship with him. Instead, focus your energy on supporting your friend.

Why is everyone so keen to protect a cheat? Of it was my partner I’d be glad someone told me

Nobody wants to protect him, it isn’t that simple. The with may actually be perfectly happy with the way things are. It’s more about thinking by telling her you are taking the moral high ground, in a situation that is far from simple. It’s about punishing her to punish him. Not that simple at all.

I know a man whose wife had been having an affair for years. In this case, it was her who had been stringing the other man along (who had left his marriage for her etc.). When she cooled things and called it all off the man turned up at the house when she was out and told her husband everything. They split up, as a result. He told me that this man had been absolutely distraught and was genuinely in love with her. He said that he ended the marriage with her because of the way she had treated this man, as well as the fact she’d been cheating for years.

Because she's acting as if her friend had no choice in the matter. She CHOSE to continue an affair for 7 years.

If there has been a single post motivated by wanting to protect the cheater, I haven't seen it. I'm actually kind of amazed people can read 10 pages of posts and be so blind. Nobody cares about protecting him.

They care about protecting his wife; there's no saying what the OP's interfering might do to her and OP is obviously happy to cause her pain and devastation just as long as it sonehow affects the cheater too. They also care about the friend's memory and children; to wait until she's dead and then start muckraking is just horrible, and the friend doesn't want it. And they care about just not blundering into the lives of people who are nothing to do with you, causing God knows what possible damage, using a betrayed wife and a friend's memory as props to satisfy your self image as some sort of avenging angel. Which OP absolutely would not be. Just a muckraking busybody by the graveside.

The cheater is prepared to risk his wife's wellbeing to satisfy his wants. OP would be counting on destroying it to satisfy hers, and it isn't even any of her business.

If you think everyone just wants the cheater to get away with it, you haven't read a word anyone's been saying.

This. Just simply telling his wife, doesn’t them automatically make it all ok! You’ll ruin her life and many others. I just see how people can’t see that similar situation a few years ago ) slightly different) but my friend’s husband tried it on with me. They were nmarried and I guess trying to find their feet. What he did was unforgiving. However, I told him where to go and be did y do it again. Now anybody I mention this to, it was years ago cannot believe I didn’t just blurt out and tell his wife ( my friend) but you have to stop and think about the devastation this will cause and potentially ended their marriage before it even started. I decided it was better to let them work through whatever it was they needed to work through and if she was going to find out he was a cheating scumbag it was not going to be from me. I’d be there to pick up the pieces. It’s easy to think morally you have to tell the wife because ‘that’s what they would want ‘ but it’s rarely that simple. It could backfire and you look like an interfering busybody or even a liar!

Little different, he tried it on with you and you knocked him back.

This man has been having an affair for several years with op's friend.

Regardless of the circumstances this wife should be told, maybe she's been gaslighted to fuckery for many years.

She should know, how, when and why it happens is irrelevant, a woman is being abused.

Yes, but we don’t know the wife situation, she could be ok with it, their relationship could be an own one. It could be fine as long as it doesn’t interfere with the family. It’s naive to think by simply telling her it makes it all ok. I know that situation is different, but it’s never that simple.

Your friend is the one you have the relationship with and she has behaved very poorly and has very low morals. I wouldn’t be fighting for her. She’s brought all the trouble to her own life. Her diagnosis is completely separate.

She should know, how, when and why it happens is irrelevant, a woman is being abused.

OP's friend is and has been complicit in that abuse all along and OP wants to tear the wife's life apart if she can to possibly hurt her friend's affair partner. She's taking revenge on the wrong person. She's willing to harm others and leave them as collateral damage as long as her friend's affair partner feels a little pain. She blames him for her friend's poor life choices and that's not how it works.

The only innocent one here is the wife.

The husband hasn't snowed his wife for 7 years. I find it very likely she knows and chose to stay in the marriage.

Does your friend have children?

What a terrible mother she is. What an example to set to your children.

He’s ruining his wife’s life by cheating and will continue to do so probably. I would appreciate someone telling me as I don’t want to live a lie

You know nothing about his wife. That’s just presumption. His wife may well know and be quite ok with the situation, some people do work their marriages that way. As long as it works for them. He’s ruining more lives than just his wife. It’s easy to say ‘I’d rather know’ but you know nothing about their relationship anyway.

Well that's your preference but it's not everyone's. She isn't a friend of the wife, she has no idea what the consequences of bursting into her life like that might do to her and she isn't going to support her through it. Not everyone appreciates a stranger detonating a bomb and then fucking off to polish their halo. Yes, he's the cheater, but by inserting herself, OP has added an unknown quantity into the mix and changed things, and she might cause a mental health breakdown or worse.

She's not the marriage police. She doesn't know these people. It simply isn't her place.

OP likes the idea of herself as an avenging angel after her friend's passing, but her friend made her choices, and this whole sad and tragic situation isn't about OP. All this will do is cause more pain, to the wife and to the friend's children who will have to cope with additional scandal and drama on top of their mother's passing. And it won't make any difference. The affair will be over if it isn't already.

Cheating is shit. But it doesn't mean that anyone can do anything, weaponise anyone's pain, muckrake endlessly by a graveside, go trampling uninvited into anyone's life doing any amount of further damage, just so that a cheater will suffer something. Cheating is selfish and self serving, well, so is that.

Agreed. It’s crazy how people really think it’s that simple. Emotional intelligence isn’t just about “ doing what seems to be the right thing” it’s so much more complicated than that as if by telling the wife she’s going to be eternally grateful and and you can go skipping off into the sunset giving yourself a big pat on the back for ‘doing the right thing’ whilst you’ve destroyed lives. The fact is without knowing any of these people personally it’s better to leave it as it is. If she’s going to find out? If she doesn’t know already, she probably will at some point.

If she knows then it won’t be a problem if she’s told them, will it? How is that going to ruin her life?

Far more likely that the lukewarm husband whose head has been turned is ruining her life. She is far more likely to feel she isn’t making him happy or be trying to fix his lack of engagement than be unbothered by his cheating. I have never met a woman whose husband has had an affair be just chilled about it.

How? I’ve never seen a post on here that’s said I wish I hadn’t been told about my husband’s affair. I’ve seen countless ones saying how the worst part when she finally found out was that it was going on for years and loads of people knew about it and didn’t tell her,

I've said it. Always get shouted at for it. Everyone says they care so much about the wife but damn do they get nasty when a wife doesn't want what they think she should want. When she doesn't agree that punishing a cheater justifies absolutely any amount of uninvited interference and meddling and additional pain. When she doesn't consent to being collateral damage for their displaced sense of vengeance against someone who isn't their business.

If you have proof, if you're a friend, if you know me well and you'll tell me openly and honestly and be supportive afterwards, maybe. If you're some random who just wants to drop a bomb on me and then go polish your halo, absolutely not. And if you are actually so awful that you'll do it anonymously, so you obviously know it's damaging and you've decided it's your business but only you deserve protection - you can get right in the bin.

Generic you, of course.

But even if the wife actually is bursting to be told about her husband's betrayal as soon as the OW is in the ground and can no longer say anything or answer any questions about it, it doesn't matter. It still doesn't make it OP's business, or the right thing to do. OP isn't a part of these people's lives. It's not her place. And what about the friend's family, who then need to endure this on top of their grief?

She's the OW's friend. She can be a supportive friend, which would not involve raking muck by the graveside once the friend can no longer speak her piece, as the friend wishes. Or she can decide she doesn't want to be friends with an OW. Those are the choices in her remit. Everything else is the lives of others and it's not her place.