I want to tell man's wife of affair, how do I build the evidence?

[Somersettler]

My best friend (F47) has been having an affair with a married man (M51) for 7 years. He has ruined her life while she has waited for him to leave his wife. My friend has neglected her family and friends in favour of him, and has never been interested in any other serious relationships with other men because of him. She's lonely, and turned to drink to ease her unhappiness. I think she's been unhappy for years because of him.

He has been stringing her along with excuses as to why now is not the right time to leave his wife, says he will eventually, says his relationship with his wife is dead. All the usual stuff. Every 6 months or so she would find the strength to try to end the relationship. Usually when he broke her heart letting her down, not being there for her, or generally treating her like the bit on the side that she has always been. But every time she's tried to get rid of him, he has come crawling back with gifts, and nights away and has always managed to keep her hooked on him. I hate him for what he's doing to her.

Tragically my friend has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. My grief and sadness has turned to anger at how he's made her so unhappy for so long. He won't be there for her when she needs him, he's not going to be holding her hand when she's going through treatment.

I want revenge. I won't do anything to upset my friend but if my friend doesn't make it, I absolutely intend to tell his wife. He's got away with it for far too long, and he's taking the piss out of his poor wife. He doesn't get to go back to normal when my friend passes away. I want to destroy him.

The problem is I don't have any proof of their affair. If I tell his wife, he can lie his, way out of it.

So I need to start gathering evidence. What proof do I need and how do I gather it?

100% She is currently in a non consensual relationship with a possibly diseased man. The reasons don't matter, it is the right thing to tell her.

But the OP's friend doesn't want her to know otherwise she would've told her herself.

Instead she made the unfortunate decision to share a big secret with the OP, who thinks as soon as her friend dies, will be ok to blab.

Loyalty shouldn't stop when her friend dies.

If it was 7 years ago then yes I would agree.

But OP wants to destroy this woman’s life purely for revenge and that isn’t fair.

If they didn’t think the wife needed to know for the past 7 years whilst it was happening, then they obviously don’t think she needs to know now that it is over.

The only person I feel sorry for is the wife and nothing good is going to come from telling her about this.

The time is irrelevant. She deserves to know.

Cheaters are abusers. It is the most abusive thing imaginable to lie to someone's face day in day out for years. It's incredibly cruel to take away her bodily autonomy and her right to be treated fairly.

She is a non consensual relationship with a possibly diseased man. She deserves to know. And yes, of course I would say the same if the roles were reversed.

She may well already know.

I know it's tempting to give in to the anger, this is because you love your friend so much, but nothing is worth more than your own peace. Rise above it.

He's a pig (your friend is too, really). Don't get involved in his muck.

Why are you putting 100% of the blame on him? She is almost 50 and has free will and choices. She could have walked at any point.

She chose to start seeing someone who was married. Why is it you feel she is completely innocent in all this?

The last thing your friend needs is an interrogation from the man’s wife or any drama with him while she’s going through cancer treatments.

While I appreciate your feelings. You’re going to have to prioritise your friends wellbeing.

Well, she'll be dead soon. The only logical thing is to focus on the living man who stole his wife's bodily autonomy, exposed her to diseases and has been lying to her face for years.

And you know why - she loves her friend and is experiencing anticipatory grief. As well as which, her friend isn't married and didn't betray any vows.

I’ve been on the other side of an emotional affair. I actually think you should tell the wife, she deserves to know. But I also think you should have told her years ago as she would have felt far less of a fool than after 7 years of this.

I’m curious as to why you are so invested in this. I genuinely feel for your friend as this man has obviously behaved badly to both her and his wife. But you must bear in mind that she was in possession of the full facts, facts that his wife likely has no idea about. She is fully aware of what this married man has been doing behind his wife’s back. She knows that he’s spent 7 years cheating and lying and deceiving his wife. She may have chosen to believe that this behaviour was an indication of something other than actions of a weak man but she has had the evidence all along that it isn’t.

I wonder if part of your anger is due to the fact that you also had this knowledge and yet you let this continue for all this time. You could have told his wife at any point and I guarantee he would have dropped your friend like a hot potato, leaving her free to move on with her life. If that is the case, please remember that friend was an adult who made her own choices. You aren’t responsible.

Perhaps, in much the same way as betrayed spouses find it easier to be angry at the affair partner than the partner they have loved for so long, it may be worth considering whether deep down some of this anger might be directed towards your friend who has allowed herself to be treated like this, and potentially wasted some of what may be her heartbreakingly short life. That would be a very valid feeling, but difficult to even acknowledge when your friend is already going through so much.

If I was in your shoes I would put my energies into looking after yourself and supporting your friend. She may need therapy to help her with her diagnosis and to come to terms with the fact that she has been duped. You may also need support to process your feelings around this. You seem like a kind person who is hurting and justifiably angry on behalf of your friend.

Your anger is valid and if it makes you feel better to ‘destroy’ this man then I actually don’t actually see the problem. His behaviour has been disgraceful. But I’m concerned that if you do and his wife decides to put on a united front, you may not see his life impacted in the way you hope (although from experience, it will have been behind the scenes). What then? Please don’t waste any of your life on this man in the same way your friend did.

Pictures, messages, emails, bookings — a whole digital archive of their conversations. I’m not sure revenge is entirely justified, as your friend knew what she was doing, but I do think the wife deserves to know.

NOTHING to do with you.

Unless you are, in fact, the friend (F47.)

I don't believe for one second that the wife doesn't know. SEVEN years it's been going on, and her kids know as well, but this man's wife doesn't know???

Yeah, no way does she not know, after 7 years!

I simple anonymous message telling her that
"hes been having an affair for 7 + years, I think you should know. Its up to you yo do with this information as you choose, sorry to put this on you but he's ruining not just your life but the other woman's life too. I suggest you do your own investigating as its probably hard to hear.'

OP isn't looking to do the right thing though is she? She only wants to tell the wife what he's been up to once her mate is dead and buried so that she doesn't have to face the wife who is going to want answers from both her husband and his other woman. But she won't get answers from someone who is no longer here so the other woman will get away with her part in the affair

Do you plan to tell his wife openly or anonymously? If the former, you need to be very careful for your safety and legally.

I'd be inclined to let it go. He'll get his comeuppance. Your dear friend hasn't behaved well either. It's such a shame that she hasn't had the strength to walk away. Hope her health improves

The OP could've been disloyal any time during the past 7 years and told this woman if she's so worried about her.

Instead she's choosing to be disloyal when her friend is dead, and doesn't get a say in how she'll be remembered by all the people who will no doubt find out.

That's no friend at all imo.

If this man is only with her for sex, not love, (which seems to be the case, as he's never left his wife for her,) then I'm sorry to say that he might well stop seeing your friend as this cruel disease kicks in and affects her physically.
I agree with previous posters that you should focus on supporting your friend, and her kids. I'm sorry for all of you going through this. Put your energy into doing what she needs now, and assure her that you'll do what she would want to be done after she passes.

If you feel your plan is such a good one op, tell your friend, see if she wants you to.

Do not use this man's innocent wife to satisfy your desire for revenge.

Your friend made her choices and now she is reaping the consequences of those choices. Yes, this man is an arsehole, but she willingly went along with it. The fact that she now has cancer does not absolve her of her previous bad behaviour.

Forget about this guy and forget about his wife. Focus instead on supporting your friend through her illness in whatever way you can. That's all.

You’re focusing on the wrong thing. It’s a coping strategy when you are experiencing high levels of stress/sadness and anxiety about the impending death of your friend.
Revenge won’t help anyone.

It’s likely he won’t show up for your friend while she is ill and no longer in the affair for what he wanted. It is likely to end anyway. If your friend chooses to tell the wife that’s up to her. I don’t think you need to gather evidence either.

You should stay out of it

Well I will say her unhappiness has had an influence on her cancer diagnosis sadly. I’d normally say stay out of it, but in this circumstance I think not. This could be the best thing that could happen and really help her ( I’ve been through a cancer diagnosis and it can be life changing in a good way ) but she needs real support and he will be a fly in the ointment. I don’t know you can ‘gather evidence ‘ maybe his wife knows he’s having an affair and is actually ok with it, as long as it doesn’t affect the family. This is where it gets tricky. How would you tell his wife? Are you prepared for the fact that your friend will become upset and angry with you initially if you intervene? These are the things you need to think about. Can you approach him first?

If she would never forgive you then you should respect her wishes in death as well as life.

You have acknowledged she is at fault, yet can’t see that this equates to her taking full responsibility of the impact it’s had on her life. Unless she has some cognitive issue which impairs her ability to make reasoned decisions, then it’s her unwise choices which we all have to answer for.

imagine being the poor wife, she will hate your single friend for having an affair with her husband, all the while knowing he was married, presumably with a family. Why bring that on her head too!

Really, it’s none of your business.

Now that aside, I’m truly sorry that your friend is so unwell. What would serve her the best is you turning your attention to supporting her children.

I'm sorry for your friends cancer, that's very sad. But the only victim here is the wife that presumably doesn't know her husband has been putting her at risk of std's and betraying her for 7 years. If you want to tell her, show the woman a bit of respect and don't do it out of revenge for your friend. Tell her because she deserves better

Although I agree with you, you are coming at it from a nice persons perspective.

OP wants revenge.
She wants to hurt this woman and her DH.

Considering that the wife is the only one I feel sorry for, I don’t think it’s fair that she is essentially being told that her DH and the OW have been laughing at her and going behind her back for 7 years.

Its done now and no good can come from telling her.

If OP is all of a sudden worried about STDs then the friend can take a test and see if she has anything first.