I want to tell man's wife of affair, how do I build the evidence?

[Somersettler]

My best friend (F47) has been having an affair with a married man (M51) for 7 years. He has ruined her life while she has waited for him to leave his wife. My friend has neglected her family and friends in favour of him, and has never been interested in any other serious relationships with other men because of him. She's lonely, and turned to drink to ease her unhappiness. I think she's been unhappy for years because of him.

He has been stringing her along with excuses as to why now is not the right time to leave his wife, says he will eventually, says his relationship with his wife is dead. All the usual stuff. Every 6 months or so she would find the strength to try to end the relationship. Usually when he broke her heart letting her down, not being there for her, or generally treating her like the bit on the side that she has always been. But every time she's tried to get rid of him, he has come crawling back with gifts, and nights away and has always managed to keep her hooked on him. I hate him for what he's doing to her.

Tragically my friend has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. My grief and sadness has turned to anger at how he's made her so unhappy for so long. He won't be there for her when she needs him, he's not going to be holding her hand when she's going through treatment.

I want revenge. I won't do anything to upset my friend but if my friend doesn't make it, I absolutely intend to tell his wife. He's got away with it for far too long, and he's taking the piss out of his poor wife. He doesn't get to go back to normal when my friend passes away. I want to destroy him.

The problem is I don't have any proof of their affair. If I tell his wife, he can lie his, way out of it.

So I need to start gathering evidence. What proof do I need and how do I gather it?

Yes, it's common knowledge that she has been having an affair for years. Even her kids know

Your friend does not need the stress of this now. What would you say to this women? I’ve know about this for 7 years and done nothing about it until now.

That is all you need to know.

Yes, as above - my favourite expression on threads like this - not your circus, not your monkey. Keep away. This shitshow is not of your devising so don’t get involved now.

It’s none of your business!
stay out of it

support your friend then leave it

My guess is the wife already knows what the husbands like
kept of it and focus on your friend and yourself

Well, your friend had a choice.

However, I have no doubt he was telling her all sorts of promises and bullshit. He isn’t free of blame.

I would absolutely focus on supporting my friend.

Then when she’s gone, I would tell the man’s wife and blow up his world.

It will not help his wife. It will help you, and it’s none of your business.
Stop stirring and accept your friend had total free will and chose to do what she did.

This. The happy ending your friend craved was built on the destruction of the wife’s life.

You can’t hurt this man. Either his wife will choose to stay with him. Or they’ll divorce and he’ll quickly find another partner.

The worst you will do is temporarily cause him inconvenience and bother. But he’ll bounce back.

Like your friend, you are treating his wife as mere collateral damage in your end goals. She’s not really human to you, is she?

Your friend wasn't the one to make a commitment to a spouse, he was. Of course, he shouldn't get away scott free when she passes.

Don't let him take up any more of your headapace, let him just go poof from your thoughts (which is exactly what your friend should have done years ago so learn her lesson for her!).

Revenge is not healthy or helpful, it's mostly a fantasy. Either it goes how you wanted (rare) and you end up taking pleasure in someone else's suffering which isn't good for you even if it is understandable. Or you build up an idea in your mind of how satisfying the revenge will be and then it falls flat on its face and leaves you more frustrated (for instance his wife saying "yeah so what he still picked me in the end" which would feel very upsetting). Or (and this is possibly the worst option) you inadvertently open up and whole world of pain and upset for other people that you couldn't have anticipated because you didn't know the nuances of the situation.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through such a devastating diagnosis with your friend. Punishing this idiot won't bring justice though.

OP I’m so sorry about your friend. You keep saying ‘if she doesn’t make it’ .. but you say she has terminal cancer. There’s no doubt, she will not make it. I’m genuinely sorry for this. But quite honestly, I’d forget him - when your friend is here, and when she’s gone. Your friend chose this, chose him, she only has herself to blame. That sounds harsh and I don’t mean it to be. I’d try to just focus on your friend, and remember the good times after she’s gone. Don’t give him headspace.
💐💐

You referred to her as his ‘poor wife’ but hate him for wasting your friends time and using her and are only considering telling the poor wife now your friend will possibly no longer have anything more to do with him through no moral choice of her own. You should have thought about telling the poor wife 7 years ago, before she wasted nearly a decade on a deceiving rapist, who is no doubt still having sex with her without her full consent as to the circumstances, your friend and god knows who else. Now you want to upend her life to get back at her husband for stringing your consenting friend along all this time. I understand wanting to hurt him, but you should have done this a long time before now.

You referred to her as his ‘poor wife’ but hate him for wasting your friends time and using her and are only considering telling the poor wife now your friend will possibly no longer have anything more to do with him through no moral choice of her own. You should have thought about telling the poor wife 7 years ago, before she wasted nearly a decade on a deciding rapist, who is no doubt still having sex with her, your friend and for knows who else. No you want to upend her life to get back at her husband. I understand

If you really cared about his wife, you'd have told her by now. Your friend chose to carry on an affair with a married man and the consequences that go with that. If you choose to tell the wife, that's up to you but it's unlikely to make you feel better about the loss of your friend.

Yes do it, but not whilst your friend is still here. Gather your evidence quietly. Lost my friend to cancer last year, all just so unfair. Wishing her strength.

Very sad but all of her own making I'm afraid. The old cliche about "waiting for the right moment" or waiting until the children have grown up, its bullshit.
He clearly had no intention of leaving his wife. She could and should have walked away and found a decent man.
Keep your sticky beak out. Its not your business

Sorry about your mates cancer but her morals are as in the gutter as his are.

Think carefully, to gather evidence now, you would be setting in motion something that your friend would 100% be against. I would prefer to support my friend in her remaining time with a clear conscience, not knowing that I would be intending to betray her wishes/ trust as soon as she has died.

You are misdirecting your grief at her diagnosis into anger aimed at him but nothing you do to him will ease your grief or 'save' your friend. You'll just create more pain and become bitter in the process.

You have known for 7 years and never told the wife. You only want to do it now because your friend is dying.

Focus on your friend and your grief.

I am gonna go against the grain here. I think you need to encourage your friend to tell his wife.

This needs to end, and also, his poor wife deserves to know!

What evidence will there be when your friend passes, it's common knowledge she's been having an affair. No good will come seeking revenge, everyone probably already knows anyway. Does your friend have any sympathy for the wife or ever considered ending the affair.

I think you’re conflating your anger and grief at the impending death of your friend with anger at how she’s been treated by this man. You’re lashing out at him because you’re devastated for her.

I can absolutely see the logic of wanting to ruin his life after your friend has passed. But no good will come of it. You’ll be the source of incredible pain to his wife and you’ll get no satisfaction from that. You’ll probably never even find out whether she leaves him or forgives him.

There’s also something about putting that bad energy out into the world. Sooner or later, karma will catch up with him. If his wife doesn’t know already, she’ll find out the truth about him at some point. It doesn’t need you to create an emotional tsunami to seek some kind of vicarious revenge for your friend.

If she’s dying, she’ll need people around her who are at peace. Be that friend.

You seem to think your friend is blameless in this situation. She has made some very unwise choices. Yes, he is in the wrong but you can’t lay all this at his door.