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Original poster

I want to tell man's wife of affair, how do I build the evidence?

259 replies

Somersettler · 09/05/2026 11:31

My best friend (F47) has been having an affair with a married man (M51) for 7 years. He has ruined her life while she has waited for him to leave his wife. My friend has neglected her family and friends in favour of him, and has never been interested in any other serious relationships with other men because of him. She's lonely, and turned to drink to ease her unhappiness. I think she's been unhappy for years because of him.

He has been stringing her along with excuses as to why now is not the right time to leave his wife, says he will eventually, says his relationship with his wife is dead. All the usual stuff. Every 6 months or so she would find the strength to try to end the relationship. Usually when he broke her heart letting her down, not being there for her, or generally treating her like the bit on the side that she has always been. But every time she's tried to get rid of him, he has come crawling back with gifts, and nights away and has always managed to keep her hooked on him. I hate him for what he's doing to her.

Tragically my friend has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. My grief and sadness has turned to anger at how he's made her so unhappy for so long. He won't be there for her when she needs him, he's not going to be holding her hand when she's going through treatment.

I want revenge. I won't do anything to upset my friend but if my friend doesn't make it, I absolutely intend to tell his wife. He's got away with it for far too long, and he's taking the piss out of his poor wife. He doesn't get to go back to normal when my friend passes away. I want to destroy him.

The problem is I don't have any proof of their affair. If I tell his wife, he can lie his, way out of it.

So I need to start gathering evidence. What proof do I need and how do I gather it?

OP posts:
Butterme · 10/05/2026 12:13

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 10/05/2026 11:49

Do not use this man's innocent wife to satisfy your desire for revenge.

Your friend made her choices and now she is reaping the consequences of those choices. Yes, this man is an arsehole, but she willingly went along with it. The fact that she now has cancer does not absolve her of her previous bad behaviour.

Forget about this guy and forget about his wife. Focus instead on supporting your friend through her illness in whatever way you can. That's all.

Exactly this!! 👏

Besafeeatcake · 10/05/2026 12:15

I kinda go back to this statement:

He has ruined her life while she has waited for him to leave his wife

He hasn’t ruined anything. OP your friend has ruined her own life and devastatingly she is now at the end with a horrible disease. It all feels unfair (and cancer absolutely is) but your friend chose all of this.

I really think you need to change your mindset. If your husband had an affair would you feel sorry for the other woman and worry that he had ruined her life? Of course not. She knew he is married.

I sorta feel like you are conflating your devastation for your friend on this guy and projecting it on him. Walk away and support your friend.

LittleMi55Nobody · 10/05/2026 12:35

wow...my sympathy goes to the poor wife...she's the one who has been treated horribly... by her husband and your friend...so no, absolutely not

SonyaLoosemore · 10/05/2026 12:35

Somersettler · 09/05/2026 11:53

It will help his wife. She deserves to know.

Show quote history

The wife doesn't deserve to know now more than has she deserved to know for the last 7 years during which you have not contacted her.
Your poor friend won't be helped by you interfering in this way after she has gone and without her agreement.

HolidayHideaway · 10/05/2026 12:40

I expect the wife already knows or suspects. It’s not a flash in pan affair.

BMW58 · 10/05/2026 12:49

It takes 2 to tango OP. Your friend is just as much to blame as he is.

Why aren't/weren't you just as angry with her?

3luckystars · 10/05/2026 12:54

Don’t waste your time here on earth, he could die before her?

Forget him.

Buy your friend a book called ‘women who love too much’ and hope her remaining life will be free of him. it’s old but you could pick up a cheap second hand copy. It could change her life.

By the way, if he did end things with his wife and declared his love for your friend, she would likely be turned off him. This only survived because they both love the anxiety/love excitement of it all, this is familiar to them both but very unhealthy.

Just support her as best you can x x

FateAmenableToChange · 10/05/2026 13:00

Has she got photos of the 2 of them together? You could find a way to get her to share them with you, memories etc? Not sure what else would be possible. Other perhaps than your willingness to speak to the wife about it.

But to be honest, even though you are angry now, Im not sure you will feel this way when she passes. Its likely the last thing you will want to do when you are grieving. What good will come of it anyway, they are not your responsibility.

Conkersinautumn · 10/05/2026 13:04

Be a good friend. Get her to get treatment for the alcoholism. He's not worth her energy nor yours. For seven years you didn't get involved. It's weird to start now. You can only offer support she will take.

DeftGoldHedgehog · 10/05/2026 13:05

Stay out of it, support her as best you can but she is a big grown up person and doesn't need someone to fight her corner on relationships.

3luckystars · 10/05/2026 13:05

Were her parents alcoholics ?

GreenCandleWax · 10/05/2026 13:19

Do you really think his wife does not know? After 7 years?😧

Laura95167 · 10/05/2026 13:23

Somersettler · 09/05/2026 11:31

My best friend (F47) has been having an affair with a married man (M51) for 7 years. He has ruined her life while she has waited for him to leave his wife. My friend has neglected her family and friends in favour of him, and has never been interested in any other serious relationships with other men because of him. She's lonely, and turned to drink to ease her unhappiness. I think she's been unhappy for years because of him.

He has been stringing her along with excuses as to why now is not the right time to leave his wife, says he will eventually, says his relationship with his wife is dead. All the usual stuff. Every 6 months or so she would find the strength to try to end the relationship. Usually when he broke her heart letting her down, not being there for her, or generally treating her like the bit on the side that she has always been. But every time she's tried to get rid of him, he has come crawling back with gifts, and nights away and has always managed to keep her hooked on him. I hate him for what he's doing to her.

Tragically my friend has recently been diagnosed with terminal cancer. My grief and sadness has turned to anger at how he's made her so unhappy for so long. He won't be there for her when she needs him, he's not going to be holding her hand when she's going through treatment.

I want revenge. I won't do anything to upset my friend but if my friend doesn't make it, I absolutely intend to tell his wife. He's got away with it for far too long, and he's taking the piss out of his poor wife. He doesn't get to go back to normal when my friend passes away. I want to destroy him.

The problem is I don't have any proof of their affair. If I tell his wife, he can lie his, way out of it.

So I need to start gathering evidence. What proof do I need and how do I gather it?

I am so sorry for you news and your poor friend.

But she knew. She picked him anyway. And if they were together 7 years most of this is 50% her fault.

Youre scared and angry, dont hurt this man's wife because your friend let him hurt her.

Spend this time making memories and being woth your friend

MissRaspberryRipples · 10/05/2026 13:25

RachTheAlpaca · 10/05/2026 11:00

I would 100% tell the wife! Shameful that other women are telling you to keep quiet and let him get away with it.
But for now, enjoy the time with your friend and get your revenge later on. A letter addressed to her directly would probably do the job

Nobody is actually telling her to keep quiet and let that cheating scumbag get away with it. If she's really bothered about the moral side of it then neither this man or her friend should "get away" with what they've been up to. Most are questioning why she's waiting til her friends already dead and buried before she does so. The friend is just as much to blame for the affair as he is. She's spent the last 7years shagging a man knowing that he is married, 7 years neglecting her own family and friends for a man who clearly doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself. The friend knows what she's doing and clearly doesn't care about his wife and family. They're both taking the piss out of his wife yet this poster seems to think that he is the only one to blame for it all. Telling the wife once the friend has passed is cowardly, she's not going to get any repercussions from her finding out once she gone is she? That man's poor wife won't get any closure from finding out he's had this massive affair with a woman who is dead and no longer available to get answers from

sheisforrealatiger · 10/05/2026 13:25

Sorry but your anger is misplaced. She’s a grown woman capable of seeing all the same things that you see. She’s chosen this. She’s done it knowingly. It’s none of your business.

Laura95167 · 10/05/2026 13:26

Somersettler · 09/05/2026 11:40

I absolutely will be focusing on her. But if she doesn't make it, my focus will shift to him.

Show quote history

If shes terminal she wont make it. Im so sorry about that for you both but dont waste her time with your anger

Skyflier · 10/05/2026 13:30

I think you are projecting your grief for your friends diagnosis onto this man and his wife. Yes it’s galling that he will get away with it probably but what good will it do to ruin another family along with your friend’s family who will be grieving. She knew he was married yet continued to sleep with him. His wife is, as far as you know innocent in all this. Why cause her pain?

Thindog · 10/05/2026 13:31

Life is not fair, and you are angry because you are grieving. It’s not unusual to want to blame and lash out at anyone who you think deserves a lashing.
But pause…who will really benefit if you do this? Not your friend, not his innocent wife , and probably not you in the long run.
What might bring comfort is knowing you helped your friend whilst she was alive, giving her support when she most needed it.
So be brave and do that.
I wish you strength.

outerspacepotato · 10/05/2026 13:42

You're going after the only possibly innocent person in your revenge scenario and frankly, I would bet she knows if he's been having an affair for 7 years. That sucks.

Your "friend" chose to neglect her family and friends to fuck a married dude. She chose him for 7 years. You can't change her choices nor will you being the town crier do anything but cause pain. And you won't be causing pain to the married dude. If he gave a shit, he wouldn't have been fucking your friend for 7 years.

Your friend made shitty choices and you sound like you're doing the same.

lornad00m · 10/05/2026 13:44

'He has ruined her life while she has waited for him to leave his wife.'

As a grown woman she has been a willing participant in ruining her own life I'm afraid. She wasn't considering his wife. You haven't mentioned whether he has children or not.

I'm so sorry about her illness. I'd concentrate your efforts on supporting her through that. Leave the rest alone.

WeatherOrNothing · 10/05/2026 13:46

7 years is no victim. She is where she is because of her own actions op. It was 7 years of her behaving so disgracefully. I think you need to leave it alone and just be there for her. Why are you angry at him, she was just as part of it.

3luckystars · 10/05/2026 13:47

If she is sick he will likely dump her soon anyway.

He would do this even if they were married as he is a lowlife selfish man.

ohyesido · 10/05/2026 13:48

Has your friend asked you to do this? I’m sorry she is ill, but she is still complicit in this

ThatCyanCat · 10/05/2026 13:49

It's tragic all round but it is absolutely nothing to do with you. Stay out of other people's lives. You have no idea what this could do to his wife and she's not collateral damage for your vengeance fantasy. It would absolutely not make you a good person.

Manxexile · 10/05/2026 13:53

HoppingPavlova · 09/05/2026 11:58

but if my friend doesn't make it, I absolutely intend to tell his wife. He's got away with it for far too long, and he's taking the piss out of his poor wife

Uhhm, you may be conveniently ‘forgetting’ that your friend also ‘got away with it’ for far too long, and your friend also took the piss out of his poor wife all this time. With that in mind, I’d just graciously leave it, and concentrate on supporting her and conveniently ‘forget’ about both of their actions with this prolonged tawdry episode.

This ^

The Op's friend has been equally if not more culpable in taking the piss out of this man's poor wife.

Does the OP really want her friend to be remembered as the adulterous other woman?

And what if the wife decides to take revenge on the the OP's friend's memory and reputation in death?

Best to leave well alone. No good can come from it. Just heartache

None of the OP's business

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