DH’s work being difficult

[SunflowerYellow92]

Some advice would be really appreciated.

As brief as I can make it, my partner works 8-6 every day. He has a hands on job so it’s quite tricky with him leaving etc, for appointments as they are quite busy and it’s a hand on job.

We have a 3.5 year old DD who is going through a slightly ‘difficult’
Phase at the moment especially since the new members of our family have arrived. I gave birth to twins end of Feb via c section. She is struggling with routine and lack of attention at the moment sadly.

I am currently struggling between the hours of 4-7 with collecting my daughter from nursery and getting her fed and bathed with twins. To be honest it’s quite hard work and it’s making me feel quite low at the moment.

DH asked his boss at work (who happens to be his Dad… he works for a small family business) if he could leave at 5pm instead of 6. Not as a permanent thing but as just a support at the moment for me.

Basically the answer was no. He said he needed to leave to help collect her from nursery and bring her home to me (her nursery is on the way to his work so is ideal). I do think DH is minimising a bit but from what I was told answer is no and that I need to ask Mother in law (DD’s nan) to collect her instead… am I being unreasonable to want my husband home to help me and not MIL?

Where we live, there would be a big difference leaving at 5 instead of 6. The traffic worsens at 6 and if he left at 5 he would be home by 5:30 latest. At the moment he is getting home at 6:45 and it’s just as I am trying to get our eldest sorted for bed so that time really clashes with our routine. By the time DH gets home it’s play time to DD and then bed time is out the window.. this has been the case for a couple of years. It’s now worsened since the twins arrival.

We aren’t asking for him to leave at 4 and we are not going to be sat in a restaurant at 5pm-5:30 to celebrate him leaving early, it will literally be a case of him helping me do bath time and prepare dinner whilst I am feeding the twins.

Any advice or opinions would be great as currently I am feeling quite low and struggling to understand how the answer could be no especially if it was to support me as mentally I’m not in a massively great place.

DH has been coming home at 6 and carrying on as normal, I can’t help but feel resentful as I am at home struggling and his world and MiL/ FIL’s world is carrying on as normal. Am I being unreasonable to feel totally deflated by this or should I just carry on and suck it up?

He needs to tell his dad he needs a proper wage so you can pay for help, or he will need to leave 5. End of discussion.

OK, so you take all this pressure instead????? You can if you want, or you can tell DH that he's being unfair by insisting on keeping a job that is comfortable for him but leaves you with 3 small children to care for day after day, and a 3 year old feeling short of attention.

Are you sure he wants to come home and help? Or is he just using this an excuse?
Also when is everyday? mon-friday? How much is he doing on weekends? He needs to take some leave too, to give you a break.

I get that his family are taking advantage of him and looking for a new job would be ideal.

However I think it’s a bit cheeky to ask to leave an hour early to help with the children, regardless of who your employer is. You knew you were having twins for months so had plenty of time to come up with a plan.

I say this as a single mum of 4, who did the school run last December with a 9 hour old baby.

Just seen your update op.

If you’re considering divorce, do you have any family yourself that you could move nearer to? Have you thought about seeking initial legal advice?

I think this won’t improve unless DH is really from with his dad and says this isn’t working for our family. If I can’t do this I’m going to have to consider my options. I suspsect your DH will find this difficult.
Is there the classic fear/obligation/guilt trio?

I think it's a perfectly reasonable ask of family and would be considered as a flexible working request which are legally protected by any other employer.

It's irrelevant that you did a school run with a 9 hour old baby. OP is struggling, comparing her to you is really not nice.

Would the threat of splitting up shock your DH into action or would he just accept it?

He might be difficult to get child maintenance from as he earns so little and his family (as his employer) might lie for him and confirm an even lower wage to CMS.

Your DH and his family all sound pretty terrible.

They had months to get a plan in place for having twins. It’s not like they were born and all of a sudden they realised there would be nursery runs, baths, childcare etc.

Also flow zone work requests don’t require a decision for up to 2 months and the employer has no obligation to grant it.

Of course not - but as you'll know from having 4 children, until they arrive you have no way of knowing how things will work out or how you will feel. How one mum feels compared to another is irrelevant.

Do you have twins?

Of course there’s no way of knowing until they arrive.
So plan for the worst rather than now moaning that an employer won’t let someone finish work early to help at home.

It’s not relevant but I don’t have twins. I do have 3 close in age though.

Why would divorce help? You still wouldn’t have anyone to get your daughter from nursery, and you would have to do most evenings on your own as well. I would assume your DH wouldn’t do 50/50 as it doesn’t sound like his job would be flexible for that!

No-one knows what the worst will be - it's impossible to plan for 'the worst' when that's an unknown quantity. And yes, you're right, no employer has to allow flexible working, but good ones do (ot attempt to).

I didn't think you had twins. My eldest 2 are close in age too, but I'm well aware twins are on a completely different level altogether.

i think you will end up there op.

what starts out as admirable traits in a person ‘laid back’ ‘nice guy’ ‘we never argue’ ‘not alpha’ ends up with someone who is completely unsupportive and will go to any length, including his wife’s exhaustion, to avoid conflict.

I think your resentment will grow and you will end up divorcing. (Been there, done that, a billion times happier single now)

the problem here is ENTIRELY your dh. 100% on him and his cowardliness to not stand up for himself/you. This will give you the ick.

ultimatum time. And mean it.

You can never ever rely on an inheritance. Especially with people who do things like threaten to take you off the will.

If he’s sticking with this underpaid job on the assumption of inheriting then he’s risking feeling like a mug in future when the land gets left elsewhere or gets sold off to pay for a luxurious retirement or live in carer fees for his parents.

Re the leaving earlier. Has he put in a formal flexible working request and pointed out they are legally obliged to consider it and need to give proper business reasons to turn it down?

However. Not all jobs are flexible. He’s home by 6.45 which is early enough to help with bathtime and bedtime. I appreciate that the hours between 5-6.45 are probably hellish for you, but many families don’t have two parents home during this time and you do just have to get through it. My DH was never home before 9 so I’m envious of 6.45! It sucked but I survived. If your MIL is available take the help.

Your husband asked his dad/boss to leave early and said his own wife will help you instead? Does the wife know this?

If the job doesn’t pay well, and he won’t leave, what will you do?

Hang on, he’s on family rates working 8-6 and not allowed to leave early to help with his baby twins and young child! The family ain’t familying, so time for something to go. I’d tell him it’s me or the job, and if he hasn’t made it flexible or applied for 10 jobs within a month I’ll be looking at options and telling my fil where he can stuff his tell your mum to help, so if he can’t say mum is an unhelpful as you are dad, neither of you give a shit about my wife and babies, so fuck you both, then he can link forward to a single future where no one else is going to stay home with his sick kids on his contact time as you’ll be a working single mum. Also, I’d never ever like my fil again, fucker.

Go to the work, say grandpa time babies!! Drop the kids, go off and think about what work you can go back to/childcare options. Does your dh have a car set up to take them all? If so say I’ll see you at home. Do this every day for a week, the second day say to fil you won’t let him leave early and you pay him peanuts and your wife doesn’t want to help so you’ll be grandpa from now on, since you make it so their dad can’t help. 3pm till dhs clock off on Monday to Friday is the new plan, and tell dh he won’t say or do anything to support his wife and babies so he doesn’t get a say from on what I do anymore, and what I want to do is firebomb his dads business and his dads house so really I’m being very calm and understanding.

He’s happy for you to be under pressure op, and you’re the one keeping 3 little children alive and well. Women need to stop protecting and supporting men who don’t support them. I’d do anything for my dh but if he didn’t stand up for us he’d be dust in the rear view mirror after I’d said exactly what I thought of his selfish cowardice. It’s selfish and cowardly to leave you struggling because that’s easier than standing up for himself. They don’t even pay him. Hence the dump them on grandpa plan- they don’t pay enough to get some help in. Time to start paying their employees in one form or another , if they won’t give them money or flex then it’s time for grandpa to childmind.

Hopefully the divorce idea was a late night exhausted thought, rather than a serious one.
As that will not help you right now.

I am on the fence here.

I could not leave early from my work, apart from a one off or couple days at most.
I would have to put it in writing that I reduce my hours and they can accept or decline and if they accept then if obviously be getting less money.

Part of me thinks it’s unfair because it’s his dad, his dad should be more flexible but then at the same time just because it’s his dad doesn’t mean that DH gets to leave early.

FIL is probably from a generation where women stayed home to raise the kids but also doesn’t want to start it - if he lets DH start leaving early then how long is it going to go on for, what if you have another baby, what about school holidays etc.

Obviously it very much depends on the job but If I was DH and doing less hours wasn’t an option, then I would be asking to leave early and then either go back the same day or work 1 day on the weekend to catch up on hours.

Could DH not start earlier?
Or use some of his lunch break to leave a bit earlier?

It does really depend on what job you do.
My job does not allow for flexibility.

It’s difficult to describe, but it helps massively psychologically. The way it helps logistically is you have one less person (the husband) to look after - as a sahm you tend to be doing their washing, their errands, the shopping etc I was blown away by how much extra time I had when my ex moved out. But more, is emotionally. So for example I used to be doing their dishes seething away that it really wasn’t my fucking turn a-fucking-gain. Now I do the dishes singing away, peacefully happy. Same job, totally different frame of mind.

I definitely think separating helps emotionally and for some physically too but I assume OP’s DH helps out when he is at home and so divorcing would mean struggling even more so than she is now.

We have twins and it’s tricky you have my sympathy. But you don’t have to bath them everyday. A top and tail is fine. I also bought a tiny stroller to sit one in while I bathed the other. Is there anyway you can do the twins in the bathroom the same time your oldest has a bath? Get the oldest involved in their bath so it’s a lovely time for all four of you?

You are right his job has not changed but I am guessing his job is funding home life so it is important. Not to say your needs are not important too but trying to change his job is not the answer - look to change your routine like pick your older daughter up earlier or look for help elsewhere. If you need an extra pair of hands look for a local 6th form student who can step in for an hour each evening to help. We ended up getting an aupair temporarily.

Could your DH move his hours, even by 30 minutes a day? Shorten his lunch hour? Could you change your evening routine to make things a little easier? (Bath before supper, bath twins during the day, bath alternate days, have tea ready prepared?) This all sounds really difficult and your DH should be helping more, he is being exploited by his parents to the detriment of his family.