DH’s work being difficult

[SunflowerYellow92]

Some advice would be really appreciated.

As brief as I can make it, my partner works 8-6 every day. He has a hands on job so it’s quite tricky with him leaving etc, for appointments as they are quite busy and it’s a hand on job.

We have a 3.5 year old DD who is going through a slightly ‘difficult’
Phase at the moment especially since the new members of our family have arrived. I gave birth to twins end of Feb via c section. She is struggling with routine and lack of attention at the moment sadly.

I am currently struggling between the hours of 4-7 with collecting my daughter from nursery and getting her fed and bathed with twins. To be honest it’s quite hard work and it’s making me feel quite low at the moment.

DH asked his boss at work (who happens to be his Dad… he works for a small family business) if he could leave at 5pm instead of 6. Not as a permanent thing but as just a support at the moment for me.

Basically the answer was no. He said he needed to leave to help collect her from nursery and bring her home to me (her nursery is on the way to his work so is ideal). I do think DH is minimising a bit but from what I was told answer is no and that I need to ask Mother in law (DD’s nan) to collect her instead… am I being unreasonable to want my husband home to help me and not MIL?

Where we live, there would be a big difference leaving at 5 instead of 6. The traffic worsens at 6 and if he left at 5 he would be home by 5:30 latest. At the moment he is getting home at 6:45 and it’s just as I am trying to get our eldest sorted for bed so that time really clashes with our routine. By the time DH gets home it’s play time to DD and then bed time is out the window.. this has been the case for a couple of years. It’s now worsened since the twins arrival.

We aren’t asking for him to leave at 4 and we are not going to be sat in a restaurant at 5pm-5:30 to celebrate him leaving early, it will literally be a case of him helping me do bath time and prepare dinner whilst I am feeding the twins.

Any advice or opinions would be great as currently I am feeling quite low and struggling to understand how the answer could be no especially if it was to support me as mentally I’m not in a massively great place.

DH has been coming home at 6 and carrying on as normal, I can’t help but feel resentful as I am at home struggling and his world and MiL/ FIL’s world is carrying on as normal. Am I being unreasonable to feel totally deflated by this or should I just carry on and suck it up?

I think YABU about his work. As a couple of PPs have said, most workplaces wouldn’t just let an employee leave an hour early just because the kids are a bit difficult at home. Regardless of relations etc.

I think of jobs i’ve done before such as retail and call centre where I wouldn’t have had a chance of hell of doing that.

Even now in my flexible office job, i would need to request the last hour off as annual leave. Could DH do that?

I empathise op as 4-7pm is tricky with kids and it can continue as they get older. Mine are 5 and 2 and drive me nuts while i’m trying to cook dinner.

This is a good idea. They either follow employment laws or they don't. what would his dad do if your husband just said he was leaving at 5? Anything? And does your husband currently get an hour for lunch?

Does he get at least the statutory minimum wage of £12.71 per hour? How many hours does he work a week? Is it more than 48 hours per week? If so, your PILs are breaking the law.

He is prioritising his parents above his own family, to your and your children's detriment. You need to get angry.

Employees can opt out of the 48 hour working week (lunch breaks would be deducted from the total).

It’s not clear what the employment status is though.

But the ONLY advantage of working for a family business is, at sub par wages and with zero legal protections, is the possibility of more humane and flexible treatment. This is not an ordinary employer.

I really feel for you OP, it sounds like such a tough situation for you. That being said though (and I know this will sound harsh) it's not their problem. The fact that it's your FIL saying no probably makes it harder to hear but realistically if it wasn't a family business you probably wouldn't even be asking. The shifts are what they are for a reason and i can see why they won't suddenly change that, especially if they have other employees and don't want to show favouritism.
It's a short period of time and I think you just have to get through it as best you can, it won't be long until things get easier. I think your best bet is ask your MIL to help (even in the hope that she resents being roped in and gets FIL to change his mind), change your routine (sandwiches for tea, later bedtime, shower in the morning instead of evening bath etc) or hire a local teenager (even just a few nights a week) to help you out.

Hang in there x

How is money tight?

Your husband works all hours, there seems to be plenty of work, and all your mother in law reliably does is go shopping?

Someone's "doing you over"... Hint. MIL and FIL.

THEY SOUND GRIM IN LAWS

Maybe go back to the drawing board have a family meeting with all concerned, let your ILs know the problems you are having an stress you need help before the situation gets any worse. Although things will get better eventually....you need help now x

I don’t want to keep pressuring DP as it puts him in a position

How about you being under pressure? How about the fact that you are struggling and you are unsupported. It is good to look after the partner and recognising their struggles but not when you are drowning yourself.

It is significant how the dynamic is establishing here. Imagine kids going to school and you (presumably) going back to work. Everything will be on your shoulders? All the drop offs and pick ups and clubs?

He's already been put in a postion - one of neither being able to earn a decent wage nor contribute to family responsibilities. The sooner he recognises that position he's been put in due to his parents' selfish decisions, the sooner he can begin to exercise some autonomy in relation to his own life and children.

Your in-laws are using people. What qualifications does your DH have?

Sadly this is common, a family friend’s DH works for his dad (fairly famous artist) for not much money and basically he’s holding out for his inheritance. His wife earns the majority of the finances.

To get the help your asking for you have to make a move because of the position you are in. Keep making excuses for him will get you no where. YoU have to do something or just accept nothing is going to change anytime soon

Very well said.

The OP’s husband is trapped by a family that is using him and he needs to evaluate and understand the risks of continuing to serve their needs while scanting his family’s.

On all fours with bum in the air?

Wow if that’s how his family treat him, I’d be off if I were him! Infact why did he ask to leave at 5pm instead of just doing it!

Sadly I wish that’s something he would do but DH doesn’t have it in him to grow a pair and find another job. Which is why I think in laws have threatened him in some way (ie come off the Will) but DH isn’t telling me.

DH has a dismissive and very avoidant personality.

I’ve tried and been stone walled. I’ve tried messaging and speaking to MIL with the issue over and over and all I get is one word answers and she sits on fence. She knows the issue but continues to not do anything about it to support us/ her son. I get either one word answers or she pretends to not know what’s going on (she lies as DH has told her).

to be honest over the past week I have been considering divorce as the easier option with 3 kids, which is the first time.

He needs to get a job with a proper employer where he is paid a proper wage and works 40 hours per week instead of 50.

If you divorce him, you can file for child maintenance and half his assets. It's worth doing the maths to see if you'd be OK financially, because the resent you have for him and his family will only get worse and it will destroy you.

If your husband had a spine, he would look for another job and, when his parents threatened to disinherit him, he'd tell them to do it.

His children need their father to be there for them and support their mum now, not hold out for an inheritance that might not turn up for decades.

Are you sure your DH is telling you the truth about this? Sure he doesn't want to just avoid bedtime??

All sympathy...they sound awful... And it does seem you need to shake DP up a bit. Certainly let him know that you're considering breaking up.

A tricky situation, I can see why you feel you need support and why he is finding it hard to change things with his work. It doesn't help long term, but while things are tough try to remember that things like bathing every night are not important- maybe move it to every other and a wash every other. Plan some simple and easy to get ready suppers too. Just try to go a little easy on yourself for a bit, the children will benefit more from having you not burn out than from things being perfect.

Ok

Our youngest are 4 under 3 smallest also being twins, we chose not to do nursery, to much for me with 4 little ones...sadly we can't afford for hubby to drop work hours etc so I plod along...on the plus side when he gets home he will dive in with whoever is left to have there bottle or be put to bed and he will also prepare veg or bottles etc for next day for there dinners and put clothes, nappies out for me for the little ones etc which all help me a lot tbh and before he leaves for work at 5am he will turn on washing machine and dishwasher so I only have to put away or hang out