DH’s work being difficult

[SunflowerYellow92]

Some advice would be really appreciated.

As brief as I can make it, my partner works 8-6 every day. He has a hands on job so it’s quite tricky with him leaving etc, for appointments as they are quite busy and it’s a hand on job.

We have a 3.5 year old DD who is going through a slightly ‘difficult’
Phase at the moment especially since the new members of our family have arrived. I gave birth to twins end of Feb via c section. She is struggling with routine and lack of attention at the moment sadly.

I am currently struggling between the hours of 4-7 with collecting my daughter from nursery and getting her fed and bathed with twins. To be honest it’s quite hard work and it’s making me feel quite low at the moment.

DH asked his boss at work (who happens to be his Dad… he works for a small family business) if he could leave at 5pm instead of 6. Not as a permanent thing but as just a support at the moment for me.

Basically the answer was no. He said he needed to leave to help collect her from nursery and bring her home to me (her nursery is on the way to his work so is ideal). I do think DH is minimising a bit but from what I was told answer is no and that I need to ask Mother in law (DD’s nan) to collect her instead… am I being unreasonable to want my husband home to help me and not MIL?

Where we live, there would be a big difference leaving at 5 instead of 6. The traffic worsens at 6 and if he left at 5 he would be home by 5:30 latest. At the moment he is getting home at 6:45 and it’s just as I am trying to get our eldest sorted for bed so that time really clashes with our routine. By the time DH gets home it’s play time to DD and then bed time is out the window.. this has been the case for a couple of years. It’s now worsened since the twins arrival.

We aren’t asking for him to leave at 4 and we are not going to be sat in a restaurant at 5pm-5:30 to celebrate him leaving early, it will literally be a case of him helping me do bath time and prepare dinner whilst I am feeding the twins.

Any advice or opinions would be great as currently I am feeling quite low and struggling to understand how the answer could be no especially if it was to support me as mentally I’m not in a massively great place.

DH has been coming home at 6 and carrying on as normal, I can’t help but feel resentful as I am at home struggling and his world and MiL/ FIL’s world is carrying on as normal. Am I being unreasonable to feel totally deflated by this or should I just carry on and suck it up?

My children are in their early 30s. My DH worked long hours and travelled with work.
I cracked on. Whining just makes things worse. I presume he’s in line to inherit this business?

What sort of a parent does that to his family? FFS - what an unreasonable man your FIL is. Not sure what else you can do if your DH won't look for something else and your FIL won't budge - that's awful.

😵😳

I know its beside the point but your daughter absolutely doesnt need a bath every day. If its making you life harder at the moment, twice a week is plenty!

I'm overbearing but I'd be contacting FIL/MIL myself and asking WTF. Why is FIL suggesting MIL? Surely he knows MIL is unavailable and unwilling. Or, can he ask for pay increase to cover the childcare you need???

Worst that could happen is they sack him and then he gets another job, maybe with flexibility or at least better pay!

A family business which is not very much into supporting its own family! You have a DH issue here. Yes, he feels obliged to stay there but he first priority is his own family. You need to sit down and have an honest conversation about how this will work long term. Th situation may not get any better so have a plan and agreement in place on what to do.

You are being unreasonable. Your husband needs to look after his job, when he's home he can support you. Just get on with it.

His dad is being a complete arse!

Can DH not respond to the ‘time to play’ by reading her a book for bedtime when he gets in ?

I'm shocked that your ILs are being so unkind and unhelpful tbh. This is their DS, DIL and grandkids, so why the hell would they not want to help you out for this short period of time while your babies are tiny? I don't know what to suggest, but they're being twats IMO

My DH worked long hours and travelled with work. I cracked on.

Me too, but I didn't have twins. Did you? I can't imagine juggling two babies at once, plus a toddler. I think that's the issue, not that the OP is being a bit wet!

My DH worked long hours and travelled a lot and I just got on with it too. But would I wish that on others, especially with twins?

there’s been so many threads on here lately where women seem to think just because they had it bad anyone who doesn’t should just think themselves jolly lucky

So he gets underpaid and none of the flexibility that might be seen as a trade off for this when working in a family business. Does he have a contract of employment?

I wouldn’t be letting this go. Neither of you will get this time back.

Tell MIL that her DH is refusing to allow her son to do this and wants her to step in and pick up the slack. You might find all of a sudden he is able to leave.

But also, it’s a family business, he isn’t paid a good wage, your husband should tell, not ask. What’s dad going to do, fire him?

This does sound a bit messed up. He is getting paid family rates so his parents are taking advantage of him being a family member but they are not cutting him some slack in return. And as someone said upthread, it may suit your husband to return later. It is not his mother's job to do his parenting for him. He should be stepping up. This all sounds like it needs to be revisited.

Nah

This is bullshit....

bluntly, they have taken advantage slightly and its aily.so I get it... but he has 3 children to rear now so having "taken" his parents now need to "give" and they need do one of the following

1. Pay him properly (so you can buy in help)
2. Give him time off (so he can help)

Or 3. let him go.

And this is exactly how I would phrase it.

They are absolute fuckers to do this. Im shocked at all lack of care and kindness from people who apparently are "family oriented".

In his shoes id just start finishing at 4 or 5... what EXACTLY is his dad going to do??? Fire him???
You must be on your knees with 3 under 3

Instead of playtime at 6:45 when DH gets in why doesn’t he bath DD at that time? It’s difficult but the only thing you can really do is adjust your routine. Your DH has asked about finishing early but the business obviously needs him there til 6, it’s not as easy as everyone is saying, just because it’s a family business it doesn’t mean it’s as easy as picking and choosing hours.

Thanks all!! 🙏🏻

Is it possible for him to work 7am-5pm for a while instead of 8am-6pm?

Family rates salary. All sounds very familiar. Around here a lot of family businesses that the offspring were expected to work in.

I'll warn you don't be surprised if dad sells up and son is out of a job. I can't tell you how often that happens.

Another idea: could he offer to leave later some days to offset the earlier ones? For ex twice a week he would leave at 5 and the 3 other days at 6:30?
Hear me out, we had the same issue with DH coming home just before bedtime and winding the DC up, and I eventually asked him to either be home earlier or later, but basically not in the 30-45min window when they were going to bed.

Ps: top tip from a fellow twin mum, have everything ready on advance. So when you leave to pickup your eldest, you have her dinner already ready, table set, bottles for the twins ready to be made, the bathroom already setup for bathtime with pjs, nappies etc, a book ready for bedtime, etc.

Think you should change the title - the answer is I very much doubt his family will budge

I am surprised at these comments neither my or my DP’s employer would just start letting us leave an hour early everyday

My DD had a baby in Feb too. Also has an 8 year old who is quite independent. Babies dad doesn't live with them. I have been doing morning school run since 37 weeks. Help with cleaning, looking after DGC very often, I do also work full-time, and I intend to carry on until DD goes back to work, if she rang in the night for so.e reason I would go round, I want to help as much as possible so she gets time to recover fully and can look back at the "nice" baby time, not stressed out.
I commend you, I have had four kids but I can't even begin to think how hard twins must be to organise and a nursery aged child too! Basically you are a single parent during the week, if your FIL can't support his family by accommodating his own son's hours of work I personally think he is a massive arse and I would tell your husband to talk seriously about at least threatening to leave. If I lived near you I would come and help, it takes a village to raise a child, I couldn't bear to see someone struggling, what on earth does your FIL expect you to do?