DH’s work being difficult

[SunflowerYellow92]

Some advice would be really appreciated.

As brief as I can make it, my partner works 8-6 every day. He has a hands on job so it’s quite tricky with him leaving etc, for appointments as they are quite busy and it’s a hand on job.

We have a 3.5 year old DD who is going through a slightly ‘difficult’
Phase at the moment especially since the new members of our family have arrived. I gave birth to twins end of Feb via c section. She is struggling with routine and lack of attention at the moment sadly.

I am currently struggling between the hours of 4-7 with collecting my daughter from nursery and getting her fed and bathed with twins. To be honest it’s quite hard work and it’s making me feel quite low at the moment.

DH asked his boss at work (who happens to be his Dad… he works for a small family business) if he could leave at 5pm instead of 6. Not as a permanent thing but as just a support at the moment for me.

Basically the answer was no. He said he needed to leave to help collect her from nursery and bring her home to me (her nursery is on the way to his work so is ideal). I do think DH is minimising a bit but from what I was told answer is no and that I need to ask Mother in law (DD’s nan) to collect her instead… am I being unreasonable to want my husband home to help me and not MIL?

Where we live, there would be a big difference leaving at 5 instead of 6. The traffic worsens at 6 and if he left at 5 he would be home by 5:30 latest. At the moment he is getting home at 6:45 and it’s just as I am trying to get our eldest sorted for bed so that time really clashes with our routine. By the time DH gets home it’s play time to DD and then bed time is out the window.. this has been the case for a couple of years. It’s now worsened since the twins arrival.

We aren’t asking for him to leave at 4 and we are not going to be sat in a restaurant at 5pm-5:30 to celebrate him leaving early, it will literally be a case of him helping me do bath time and prepare dinner whilst I am feeding the twins.

Any advice or opinions would be great as currently I am feeling quite low and struggling to understand how the answer could be no especially if it was to support me as mentally I’m not in a massively great place.

DH has been coming home at 6 and carrying on as normal, I can’t help but feel resentful as I am at home struggling and his world and MiL/ FIL’s world is carrying on as normal. Am I being unreasonable to feel totally deflated by this or should I just carry on and suck it up?

One thing you could do is pick daughter up and leave her at dad's work place to make a point.

I think he needs to say - dad I need to leave at 5pm for the next few weeks.
What is the business?

Can they not appreciate that twins are hard work?

Sorry - probably digressing slightly but why do Mum’s/Dad’s have this obsession of bathing children every night?? I know routine is important but bloody hell I’d find that stressful. My DS is every other night and not dirty.

Don't his parents care about you and their grandchildren?
Why are they being so difficult?

Maybe instead of telling her he could ask nicely. You both seem a bit entitled.

I would get him to tell his job that the alternative is he will take shared parental leave.
If they need him that badly then they'll compromise

So, he is putting his dad before his own family then?

It sounds like his parents are selfish, controlling and manipulative. They are using your DH for cheap labour, don't give him any leeway, don't care if you and your little ones struggle and have no time with dad, and your DH has somehow been gaslit by his dad into thinking this is a reasonable situation.

You need to sit down and have a serious talk with him about what his priorities are. It's time for him to leave this abusive situation and find a proper job of his own. Why does he feel obligated to parents who don't give a shit about him or his children?

I don't get it. FIL says MiL should help. She says no. Does she know FiL is offering her up as the solution?

Im confused. You struggle collecting your daughter at 4, but you want your husband to collect her after 5? Thats quite late for her coming home and she may feel upset at being away from you for even longer, while her new siblings stay home with you. This may cause what you are calling 'a difficult phase' to get more difficult. I'd try collecting her even earlier than 4 and see how she is.
Twins and toddler must be tough going.
Simplify things in the evening shift .... to bare essentials. Food and cuddles and bed.
You don't need to bathe babies or the 3 year old every night. Maybe pick 2 weekday nights for baths and see if DH coming home early 2 nights is more amenable to his work?
Prep dinner during the morning, or while your toddler is in daycare, whenever the babies are most settled. Pick easy dinners that you can prep in advance and all you are doing at 4:30 is turning on the hob, oven etc, then draining potatoes or veg or use a slow cooker etc. Or consider giving 3yr old yesterdays dinner heated up and your DH cooking a new dinner each evening when he gets home, which you can then give toddler the next day etc.

This is my advice from having 3 under 4, alone day and night 5 days a week as DH was working away overnight Mon-Fri. Just get through those evening shifts.... bare necessities, involve 3 yr old in everything, loads of cuddles and easy prepped dinners or even ready meals for yourself etc.

The hours 8-6 are long but ultimately if your DH is happy in this job then he shouldn't have to leave. Babies are only small for a short time, leaving the job might have life long repercussions seeing as it's a family business.

I am currently struggling between the hours of 4-7 with collecting my daughter from nursery and getting her fed and bathed with twins. To be honest it’s quite hard work and it’s making me feel quite low at the moment.

For one she probably doesn’t need bathing every night. Can DH prep food for the next day each evening for you all so you just have to plate/reheat her dinner when she needs it? If she gets a hot meal at nursery she could have something simple for dinner, surely?

A voice of reason ... I dont get all the posters telling the OP her husband should threaten to leave his job and calling his boss (FIL) nasty names. He isnt on a jolly, he is providing for his family. Workarounds are possible.

Sadly yes the problem is here.

Sounds like from FILs point of view, the women should deal with the children and leave the men to work in peace.

Obviously it depends on the nature of the business whether DH leaving early is possible but working 7 to 5 instead of 8 to 6 would be an obvious compromise. Is there a reason why this wouldn't work?

Then there's the issue of 'family rates'. How much is DH actually paid and does he get at least statutory AL entitlement and pension contributions? How does the skill level and typical pay for the role compare with if he left and got a job elsewhere?

He's working 50 hours a week so assuming he takes a lunch hour (betting he doesn't) that's a minimum of 45 x 12.71 x 52 so £30k pa that he should be earning, is he? Or obviously more if it's not a NMW level job.

It goes against the grain of a lot of replies on this thread but if one of my employees came to me & asked to have an arrangement where they left early to help their spouse with the children, I’d say no as well.

as with any flexible request its has to fit in with the business

no mention of if the business could support it

Focus on what you can change. Get him to prepare the evening meal the night before, move the routine you have created and make it work for you

lots of people have kids they can’t cope with and they can’t just leave work early, however, It doesn’t sound as if your husband is going to be very helpful here, so I’d focus on that, because as others have said, it sounds as if he’s being taken advantage of and will never reach his full potential. Assuming it’s a small business, they’ll have minimal policies in place to deal with this situation anyway. But this level of enmeshment is unhealthy. Don’t be fooled into thinking he has to stay there on low pay because he’ll inherit the business because anything could happen between then and now. Others have given good advice regarding changing your routine. I hope your husband can find the courage to look for a new job soon.

Do you spend a lot of time in employment tribunals?

Why would she? The needs of the business do need to be considered - working hours are not simply worked round what the employees want.

Indeed. But it sounds like there could be indirect sex discrimination if the employer is saying no to men wanting to adjust their working hours.

Bath the oldest on a Tuesday and a Thursday by yourself. Monday and Wednesday maybe a good face cloth wash / shower. Then Friday - Sunday daddy can help.

(I used to flog getting my 4 a bath every night the stress then another mummy twin says she baths them twice a week I was slightly shocked) but skipping a bath for one day isn’t bad. Or can you tempt her with a shower a bit of a quicker process with a fun shower cap on pretend she is your big helper princess etc.

Dinner you have to think about easy dinners. Things that don’t need attention. Things that can be put into the oven and cook by themselves in 30 mins (chicken, salmon with roasted veg, pasta with sauce, pizza don’t get worked up about dinner make your live easy).

Well your partner that’s not going to change whilst he works for the family.

You have to make your life easier (tinned sweetcorn, carrots, Broc, peas, roasted pre cut veg all quick easy things)

Plenty of employers (of course not all) are flexible about accommodating different work schedules even if the employee is not the boss's son. It's not a special favour to one employee only, it's a temporary consideration for any employee who needs it and a skilful manager should be able to apply accommodations fairly across all staff and smooth over resentments. It may not always be possible, depending on the nature of the business and the employee's exact role, but it's not unreasonable at all for him to ask and to fully explore the option.

If there's some reason everyone needs to be on site until 6 every day (for example, and end of the day required staff meeting every day at 5:30) then leaving early's not reasonable, but otherwise there may be options like switching shifts and coming in earlier, working through lunch, taking work home, telecommuting one or two days a week, etc. If he's explored all of the options and absolutely must stay until 6 every day, then could he take a late lunch and pick up oldest DD and take her back tot he office with him? Then they could have some one-on-one time on the drive home, and then he could feed, bathe, and put her to bed independently of whatever you are doing with the twins. This shouldn't be your problem to solve, though - he knows his job and his family and can navigate those a lot better than you can, and it sounds like you have more than enough already taking up your time and mental energy.

And of course your MIL can't pick up the slack if she's not reliable - it's ridiculous for him to ask you to battle it out with her every time you need help; he either secures her genuine commitment for a standing arrangement or drops the idea and continues to look for a different solution.

is he staying because he expects to inherit the business?

What happens after you go back to work full time?

If the daughter gets excited it is because she misses ger dad. Being out of the house 7.15-6.45 is a long time. Can you just nit push bedtime back to 7.30? And she wont need a bath every day.

10 hour days 5 days a week is over normal working hours and no employer can force that without employee agreement. Is there much in the way of policies, employment contract etc? If so, follow the usual process - flexible working request, employer has to consider and say why not etc.
If it's all informal/family, DH needs to tell his dad he will be leaving at 5 every day for the next 6 months. That's it

And it's not to 'help you', it's so he can look after and spend time with his kids. Which is why MIL/nanny isn't a solution in the same way.