DH’s work being difficult

[SunflowerYellow92]

Some advice would be really appreciated.

As brief as I can make it, my partner works 8-6 every day. He has a hands on job so it’s quite tricky with him leaving etc, for appointments as they are quite busy and it’s a hand on job.

We have a 3.5 year old DD who is going through a slightly ‘difficult’
Phase at the moment especially since the new members of our family have arrived. I gave birth to twins end of Feb via c section. She is struggling with routine and lack of attention at the moment sadly.

I am currently struggling between the hours of 4-7 with collecting my daughter from nursery and getting her fed and bathed with twins. To be honest it’s quite hard work and it’s making me feel quite low at the moment.

DH asked his boss at work (who happens to be his Dad… he works for a small family business) if he could leave at 5pm instead of 6. Not as a permanent thing but as just a support at the moment for me.

Basically the answer was no. He said he needed to leave to help collect her from nursery and bring her home to me (her nursery is on the way to his work so is ideal). I do think DH is minimising a bit but from what I was told answer is no and that I need to ask Mother in law (DD’s nan) to collect her instead… am I being unreasonable to want my husband home to help me and not MIL?

Where we live, there would be a big difference leaving at 5 instead of 6. The traffic worsens at 6 and if he left at 5 he would be home by 5:30 latest. At the moment he is getting home at 6:45 and it’s just as I am trying to get our eldest sorted for bed so that time really clashes with our routine. By the time DH gets home it’s play time to DD and then bed time is out the window.. this has been the case for a couple of years. It’s now worsened since the twins arrival.

We aren’t asking for him to leave at 4 and we are not going to be sat in a restaurant at 5pm-5:30 to celebrate him leaving early, it will literally be a case of him helping me do bath time and prepare dinner whilst I am feeding the twins.

Any advice or opinions would be great as currently I am feeling quite low and struggling to understand how the answer could be no especially if it was to support me as mentally I’m not in a massively great place.

DH has been coming home at 6 and carrying on as normal, I can’t help but feel resentful as I am at home struggling and his world and MiL/ FIL’s world is carrying on as normal. Am I being unreasonable to feel totally deflated by this or should I just carry on and suck it up?

Agree with this. Whilst i appreciate your in the trenches right now.

Right, so he has asked her and you have asked her so the answer is no. You are looking for your MIL to help with childcare, your FIL to let him reduce work hours but what you are not looking for is him to actually take action himself to resolve this.

That's what you need to focus on. There is no point dwelling on things that aren't going to happen. Start talking about what can happen.

i totally agree. I will have a chat tonight about this as an option

Ok. Well he definitely needs to find a new job!!!

It was more to bath DD when she’s back from nursery but yes good idea

I had a friend in this situation. Newborn twins, older children age 1.5 and 3. She paid a neighbour’s older child (age 12 or 13 ) to come help for a bit of pocket money after school. It was cheap, reliable resource. Really helped her in an otherwise pretty difficult situation. The friend and her husband were both foreigners so there was absolutely no family support.

Then he has even less of an incentive to stay there. I wouldn't bank on him inheriting the business or getting a sizable inheritance when they die as reasons to stay. Big things could happen between now and then.

His loyalty should be to you and his children, his family come second. They are taking advantage of him with the family rates pay and a 10 hour day.

I bet he could find a job that pays more for less hours. What does he actually do for work?

He needs to see that you and your children need him right now. I had a just turned 3 year old when I had my second child and Dh was home every night for 5.30pm which massively helped. But then he works for a family friendly company, flexible hours, time out for things like swimming galas and sports days.

Where is your family in all of this? Another poster asked about your parents but you just replied that money is tight.

I‘d be having stern words with your husband - he’s needed as a Dad - he can be replaced as a worker. The family rates money is just the last straw!! . I hope you get it sorted as you deserve that help. Congrats again on your little ones 💐

Good, I hope he's open to at least discussing options. I forgot to say earlier, my best friend had 3 under 3 (2nd pregnancy was unexpected twins), and found it incredibly hard. You probably feel like you're failing - you're not. It's really hard and I'm sure you're doing an amazing job.

Family rates?

Do his wages go through the books or is he ‘cash-in-hand’ out of interest

It sounds like his dad is exploiting him. How many hours a week is he working? Is he working above minimum wage if he's doing ten hours a day?

I think people are being a bit unfair to the husband here. He is trying to support his family through working, and is presumably set to inherit the business so has a stake in it?

OP I have been in a very similar situation: we had DD aged 3y1m and then twins. H worked in a city an hour's drive away and could not leave work before 1730 latest.

It was stressful, no doubt about it. I would say

Rather than asking if H can finish early, ask if he can start early and finish early. May not work depending on nature of the business.

Ask MIL again but put a time limit on.

Do as a PP suggests and see if a neighbouring teen can help.

Bathe DD1 straight after nursery and sit outside bathroom with twins on a playmat (maaaany hours of this for me!!).

It is tough but there are various solutions as well as looking for a new job.

The danger with this work situation is that he works for a pittance on the basis of a future inheritance which he never ends up getting. Meanwhile, at the time of his life he could really do with maximising his earnings he is subsidising his parents business.

if they were paying him fairly that would be one thing but at the moment they are taking advantage.

your DH will have been conditioned to think this is normal but he needs to prioritise his kids now and some promise of the family business in the future is not a great bet

This takes me back OP from when all my kids were small, some babies as well and my DH worked in the family business, his dad was harder on him than anyone else and it was awful, we didn't get any help, even when we were struggling with newborns and I had PND also even when I was physically poorly from a birth, they never eased up with him. My MIL had promised that she would do childcare one day a week and that soon went out of the window,
He did end up having to leave and has gone on to work for himself which was really scary to start with setting up a business but it has been so much better

I hope its not a farm because historically this blows up just as daddy’s little boy plans to inherit.

If he has it very comfortable and is working for family rates when money is tight then the issue here is your DH.

It’s a lot of land that’s all I will say.
not a farm

@SunflowerYellow92 if you have a HomeStart service in your area they can be a really good source of practical support which might take a little bit of pressure off while the twins are so little.

What sort of job is it as that would make a difference. Does he need to be available to clients or customers? Or is he tappity tapping at a laptop and the work can be done anytime?

They are not being difficult, OP, they are running a professional business and the job requires his attendance until 6pm. You and your husband chose to have another child, so it's up to the two of you to make that work. Either he looks for another job, or you call on friends/family to help you, or you employ an au pair/mother's help to assist you.

Are you confident that he has really had this conversation with his dad?

There are plenty of men who’d prefer to stay an extra hour in work than come home to deal with infant twins, a cranky pre-schooler, and an overwhelmed.

It just seems odd that he told you to speak to his mother when he knows she won’t oblige, but didn’t suggest you speak with his dad to resolve the work issue.

It’s a DH problem.

What's the point of a fecking family business if they can't help family?

Businesses like this are give and take

Your DH is giving - 10 hours a day, working for "family rates", where's the compo for that?

By law he is entitled to ask for flexible working, which is what this is.

Bollocks to the "oh it wouldn't be fair to everyone else" argument. He can ask for 2/3 months of a temp arrangement to get over this sticky period.

Any normal business that values their workers would do what they can to help. The fact his dad is saying no is mindboggling.

It's not her responsibility to be instructed by her son and husband to perform childcare duties.