It's me now

[LifeSurvior]

I am ten years on from a very traumatic experience of my husband cheating.
It took me into horrendously dark places,,suicide, drinking, hospital admission to mental health facilities.
I am so much better now with my mental health wellbeing, I'm stable, I cope okay with my life, I'm a good Mum, I sorted myself.
But the anger, the disdain, the sheer fucking how on earth could he have done this to our family feelings are still here.
He came back after I had to be in hospital.
I still look at him and think, you only did that because your family were horrified. He has never come clean with his family, he told them I had a breakdown, I was suicidal, I was the nutty one.
He has never, ever told them he met another woman in hotel rooms for sex.
He still now can not abide me saying the reason I don't like you is because you fucked an other women behind my back and gaslightied me it was my fault.
He thinks I should just shut up, be okay, shag him and be silent.

The awful childhood experiences you and your DH had weren’t due to your parents separating, they were because they were unhappy and used unhealthy coping strategies (toxic relationships for validation, alcohol, etc) at the expense of their children.

Children with parents that stay together can still have miserable, childhoods full of neglect and children with separated parents can have happy, safe childhoods.

Regardless of your past traumas, your children are grown - why stay in a miserable marriage now? Your husband may never give you the answers you crave about why he did what he did, either because he hasn’t done enough self reflection to identify them or he can’t bring himself to admit them to you. You can be happy though, if you let go and move on instead of staying bitter.

Actually the advice that @LifeSurvior should leave her husband to help the children see that their mother finally broke free of being a martyr is just as valid now that we know here children are adults as when we thought they were younger. Her actions will affect them now in a different way, but still will be a positive role model for them.

and you're not forced to go down the same path. Your kids deserve better than you making excuses.

I also wonder, @LifeSurvior what the title of your post "It's me now" means? And why, seeing as how the betrayal happened over 10 years ago and your children are now grown, are you posting about it today? What's going on in your life right now for you to be posting on MN?

I agree.

I think part of the issue is that she is has detailed so much of this as though it is happening now. It's framed in the present tense - which is why, 8 pages in, people are still talking about protecting her children's childhoods and development.

It's this that is causing her to experience her situation as though it is current.

Because it is but only because she has chosen that and, sadly, she doesn't seem able to see it.

It's really sad because, 10 years after my exh's affair was discovered, I was living a completely different and far better life and she could have had that too. But she talks as though her only options were staying or being a shit parent who drank heavily and prioritised shagging strangers over her children. When there were an infinite number of possibilities in between that she couldn't even imagine. And that is stopping her from imagining a future without him too.

You're clearly not in a good place OP and I have empathy for you. But blasting everyone who doesn’t say what you want to hear (he’s a shit/ he’s let you down/ you’re putting your kids first etc by staying) isn’t helping you navigate the current situation. It doesn’t sound like you can forgive him, he doesn’t sound properly contrite nor has made appropriate amends. Your fury, resentment and self loathing will remain as long as you’re with him as you can’t properly process it and move past it. As hard as it is to hear, you should leave him and build your self esteem and a calm life for yourself and your children. At the very least you need to have some therapy.

I knew someone that was similar in her very black and white thinking around this - how could he cheat when he promised he wouldn’t?

The reality is that total habitual cheats are reasonably rare. There aren’t many people of either sex who genuinely sit there and think ‘yeah, I’m definitely going to marry this person and then be unfaithful’. So you asked your husband and he told you what was true at the time. I mean, it’s also not like he could say ‘oh yeah, I’m definitely going to cheat on you honey!’ even if that was his intention. You were not asking a question that you could actually be given a truthful answer to.

Humans are complex, life changes. Affairs sometimes come from nowhere, sometimes they come when two people who really are destined to be together collide, sometimes they come from intent from the outset.

You are driving yourself crazy, as the woman I knew did, going round in these circles about how he could have lied about this and then done it.

You asked a question that you could never count on getting a genuine answer to. It could only ever be truthful in intention and in the moment.

You are fixating on the wrong thing here. He cheated, he is a cheat. He is probably cheating again and hiding it better.

Equally, it sounds like your breakdown forced him back into a marriage that for him perhaps wasn’t happy. And he sounds very trapped now - you are utterly determined that he cannot leave because your children will be subjected to hell, and you’re insisting that to him. He doesn’t sound like he’s even there of true free will.

You both had awful childhoods but they are not the norm. They’re not a consequence of having separated parents, they’re a consequence of having really crappy and unfit parents. Your children presumably don’t have crappy and unfit parents so their stories of growing up with separated parents would be entirely different to yours.

OP has your husband been a good husband and father after he came back an in the ten years since? Did he remain faithful? It seems you have decided to stay and that’s a valid choice. Maybe you should work on forgiving him. Otherwise you have decades of unhappy marriage ahead of you and no real reason to stay now the kids are adults.

So your children are adults now and don't even live with you? I can understand why you thought you needed to stay while they were children but you don't have to do that forever.

Im a solo mum after my ex walked out (with OW) I've not had another relationship and when/if I do, I certainly won't be introducing them to my child for a long, long time. Its not one or the other. My home is calm, settled and safe. Unfortunately for your children, yours isn't.

How will you heal if you continue to live with the source of your trauma?

I am struggling to sympathise with the OP as she is choosing to stay with a man she hates even though their kids are now adults that have left home. If the OP wanted a succession of different men or to hit the wine, it wouldn't hurt her children anyway. They've flown the nest.

OP - you will end up caring for a man you despise, and then you'll look back on your life and think 'why did I do that?' It's a waste. Leave him and give yourself the life you actually want.

What would you if he decided he wanted to leave?

I don't understand this, replicating your childhood for your kids would be a choice, not a forgone conclusion.
You don't need to inflict future boyfriends on them and their fathers future girlfriends will be irrelevant to them- just some woman their dad dates.

You could plan and then enjoy a peaceful life of happiness and freedom if you choose to. A house of anger and misery is no good for anyone.

This is a bizarre takeaway from what sounds like an truly terrible childhood. I think you should sign up for some therapy so you can find your self esteem, develop your confidence, and realise that life is not a choice between single-mother poverty and promiscuity, and living with a man with whom you have mutual disdain and who clearly has no respect for you, or loyalty to you.

There are many stories of women leaving bad marriages and doing well, either on their own or with a new good partner. In fact, the statistics indicate that women do better financially, emotionally, and mentally outside of marriage (while this is the reverse for men). You are not your mother and your kids deserve to see you happy, not trapped in an unhappy marriage. You sound like you hate him - and perhaps you should for what he has done. Don't put up with it.

Agree wholeheartedly with this, many years ago I left my first husband, he had cheated on me with one of my best friends. He did the usual “it’s you I want “ speech I tried to make a go of it but left after a few months, it became obvious that I couldn’t get over the betrayal.
We had no children so my choice was an easy one, I only had myself to consider, now your children are older you can start to put yourself first, you deserve a good life x

I'm sorry you're hurting OP. From the way you talk about your marriage and husband I don't think you've kept something good that your children benefited from. If you asked them what their POV was about their childhood I think it would be vastly different from what you think.

Your parents were shit. There's no other way to put it. This isn't normal and you had an unusually neglectful and abusive childhood. I divorced five years ago and have prioritised my children. Never dated by choice and I've never drunk alcohol anyway. Millions of single parents around the world raise their children without abusing them. It's very very normal.

I thought I was going to read that you are putting yourself through this toxic endurance because your kids are still young, although you'd have been bad to and as others have said, it was never a choice between the awful experience of your own childhood and the toxic set up you settled for.

For god's sake, your kids are adults now, you've made your sacrifice, just leave this horrible dishonest pug of a man and give yourself the life you deserve before it's too late.

Its sad that you think that you have some how succeeded because you have prevented your kids from having the same childhood as you. The last 10 years and yours and your husbands relationship sounds toxic as hell. Your poor kids will pick up on that. Not just through what they saw that you wish they hadnt but just the whole atmosphere within the home and family Dynamic. Thats going to have a hell of an impact on their future relationships thats for sure.

You clearly havent forgiven your husband, understandably, i wouldn't have either but if you cant you should leave it would be healthier and happier outcome for everyone

I can sort of understand why you’re doing what you have, OP. You’re very selfless to sacrifice your own chances of the happy life you so deserve. I don’t agree with what you’re doing, but you’re going on with it anyway, so I at least hope your children understand what you’re doing for them and keep a good relationship with you when they’re older.

Please, though, when your kids leave home, leave your weak husband and have the happiness we all deserve. Sometimes we have to make good things happen in our lives.

Leave him,I stayed with ny husband for 28 years after this exact type of behaviour, I have finally started divorce proceedings. Honestly, you won't get over it and deserve much better! It's scary and a uncertain time when you get the courage to go it alone but at least you won't be going through such horrible treatment by someone who's meant to love you,take good care of yourself.

Yes we have had what we have but crucially I have got the through their formative years and now adults.

I can understand making the choice to stay while the children were young, but they're adults now.

You can do as you please. You don't have to stay living a life of misery and bitterness.

If you want to stay, you need therapy, you need to let go of the past and start enjoying life as a couple.

If it's too far gone for that, then leave, just leave.

Life is too bloody short to be miserable and angry all the time.

Her kids are adults and have already left home.........

But it’s dysfunctional and poisonous and you are supposed be the role model to your children.

How you are treating each other and receiving treatment is what your children will accept in all relationships now and in their later life..you are comfortable with that?

You could choose to be the cycle breaker.

For some of us it takes 35+ years, but we get there eventually. There will always be an excuse not to.

Yes but you are not your mum and you know better. You don't need to repeat her mistakes just because you need to get yourself out of this God-awful situation.

And as a child of an unhappy marriage, I can say with experience, there is no worse place for a child to live. Also, particularly if you have daughters, you are modelling what they should expect of their own marriages in the future. Please set them a better example.