It's me now

[LifeSurvior]

I am ten years on from a very traumatic experience of my husband cheating.
It took me into horrendously dark places,,suicide, drinking, hospital admission to mental health facilities.
I am so much better now with my mental health wellbeing, I'm stable, I cope okay with my life, I'm a good Mum, I sorted myself.
But the anger, the disdain, the sheer fucking how on earth could he have done this to our family feelings are still here.
He came back after I had to be in hospital.
I still look at him and think, you only did that because your family were horrified. He has never come clean with his family, he told them I had a breakdown, I was suicidal, I was the nutty one.
He has never, ever told them he met another woman in hotel rooms for sex.
He still now can not abide me saying the reason I don't like you is because you fucked an other women behind my back and gaslightied me it was my fault.
He thinks I should just shut up, be okay, shag him and be silent.

She's not 'in the trenches'. The affair was a decade ago and her children have since grown up and left home.

I suppose what I need to get from this thread is I have learned all the awful lessons from my childhood but he hasn't.

You didn't though.

The lessons you could have learnt were that it was OK to be single, that you didn't need a man, that you could have provided a happy home for them and yourself by not bringing home a string of random men. That you didn't have to get drunk to cope.

Those would have been healthy things to learn. You developed a dysfunctional coping mechanism which is not the same.

My exh husband had an affair and yes, we both agreed it was the worst thing that you could do to someone and he'd previously cut off friends who had done similar so I had no reason to doubt him.

But he still did it because he was weak, a flawed human, arrogant, struggling, whatever. It doesn't matter.

10 years on, I didn't need to understand why he did it because I ended the relationship. And also managed to not get drunk or bring random men home. And my (now adult) children were happy and well adjusted and had a lovely childhood with me.

You chose a different path but it hasn't made you happy and you are still carrying the pain and trauma of it now.

It isn't compulsory to have a man in your life.

Ah OK somehow I missed that bit - apologies. This is what you get from being on Mumsnet in stealth mode at work :) Mumsnet is very black and white though and expects a certain response to certain things ....I know a few women whose experience of infidelity blights years and years if not the rest of their lives. Im not saying thats right or healthy, but I have seen it and I have compassion for the pain they live with. People will not always make the right choices or act to help or save themselves unfortunately.

To be fair to her, this is what was modelled to her by her mother.

@LifeSurvior thought she was breaking the cycle of a broken home, but she was in fact repeating the cycle of a woman who could not be without a man at any cost.

It’s not too late for her to show her children a different way of living.

It was a decade ago and the kids have left home. So yes she’s staying for herself. This wasn’t modelled by her mother. And as adults we need to take personal responsibility;

This and this again.
No one here is going to congratulate you for staying with your loser husband. You are still miserable about him cheating and there’s no way that isn’t affecting your kids.
Take charge of your life and your self esteem. You need to move forward with your life (without the dead weight husband) and stop wallowing in the past.

I missed that too.
I imagine the OP now thinks the adult children still need one stable home to come back to.
Or she's now too old to start again and the sunk cost fallacy has now taken hold, so she'll just waste away in this marriage.

You haven’t given them the horrors of your childhood but what you’re not hearing and what multiple people are telling you is that you’re giving them different horrors. You’re giving them a childhood steeped in deception and resentment. They will see that you hate him. They will see that their parents don’t really love each other.

They may have two parents that live in the same house but that doesn’t involve love and affection. It’s not a great model for their future.

I think you’re right about the sunk cost fallacy. @LifeSurvior you should really read up about this or better yet, get yourself to a therapist ASAP.

I'm a little confused, OP. You paint a picture of the tragic, drunken, promiscuous mother your children would end up with if you split up from your husband, but you surely know that many (I would assume most) women who separate from their partners remain just a good a mum as they were before. Oftentimes happier, especially if escaping a dreadful relationship.

You could break up with the aim of becoming stronger, healthier and happier.

So your children are now adults? You can leave now!

I understand what you are saying about staying with your partner so you dont risk your kids growing up in poverty or having step parents but your kids are now grown. Your kids are grown and you still haven't forgiven this man so leave him now. If you don't leave him now you really are being a martyr. Are you going to put yourself last for the rest of your life even when your kids havd their own families and are living their own lives?

It was a decade ago and the kids have left home.
I agree.

So yes she’s staying for herself.
I agree.

This wasn’t modelled by her mother.
I disagree.

And as adults we need to take personal responsibility.
I agree.

You want to know WHY he cheated despite his awful childhood and his protestations that he'd never cheat?

Because like a lot if men his cock rules his life.
That's why.

His words were and still are, totally meaningless.
Blah blah blah.

He really wanted to fuck another woman - so he did. He wouldn't have thought for a millisecond about consequences, hurting you, morality.

Your children are adults now. You could walk away from him and make a new life for yourself. You could tell all his family about him cheating.

You don't need him anymore - do you?

You clearly hate your husband so you need to break up with him. Mentally it sounds like whilst you are in a better place than you were you still have a lot to process. I also don’t think it’s fair to blame all your problems on him and his behaviour , yes what he did was horrible and I am trying to diminish that but lots of people get cheated on without becoming suicidal. You will probably be able to recover better if you are able to realise this.

Yup, my parents married young as they were having me, they made the best of it for a good few years but by the time I was around 9 I could sense the atmosphere that they were both unhappy, even when they tried to make happy memories for me and my siblings - holidays etc, we’d be waiting for the fallout. They might not have had big rows/shouting/tears, but we all felt the tension between them.
they finally divorced after my dad had an affair when I was an adult and I honestly wished they’d done so years before. They are both much happier people now, and my relationship with my mother is much better.
I don’t doubt her love for us, but her unhappiness with my dad definitely affected us as kids, she would act like a martyr growing up, she was definitely stuck in a marriage because she thought that was best for the children, it wasn’t.

i’m sad to say I did the same, met my ex young, had children, put up with shitty behaviour and attitude towards me because at least the kids had a stable home and two parents who loved them… I was worn down over the years and accepted this was my life, until he had an affair and I thought, THIS is enough, this is a justifiable reason to end this, and I’m so glad I did, our house is now a happier and more emotionally secure place for both myself and my children, my only regret is not doing it sooner.

I understand OP has her own reasons for staying and a traumatic past has not helped, but I think it’s a shame she’s chosen this path and living in such an unhappy environment. She will never have a real answer for her husbands actions, and unless he has some huge epiphany and takes accountability for his actions and apologises then OP is unlikely to ever feel anything but this misery whilst he’s actively in her life.
his actions caused this, but it’s her choice to still live with it, i hope she doesn’t one day wake up full of regret or end up so bitter her children choose to have limited contact

I missed that the kids have now left home (sorry, I haven't slept for a week, I'm running on caffeine).

OP... come on. You can no longer claim you're staying for them. And you can't stay for the benefits of coupledom while holding all this resentment and anger. It's destroying you, possibly more than the affair.

Grow up, get out and live a better happier life for yourself and your children, stop wallowing on the past, yours and your partner's, he will continue to cheat on you because you have allowed him to get away with.
Or, stay put, be miserable, cause your child/children anxiety and hope that they don't' follow the route of their parent's and grandparents.
Up to you, only you can change things.
Good luck

Exactly. I ended up a single parent and I did a really good job. No boyfriends, no chaos, all while going through the trauma of my ex’s alcoholism. I gave them a much better life by myself.

You’ve done really well to get better, you are capable of being a good single mum. Oh just seen your kids are adult now?? No idea why you are putting yourself through this then. Let go of the ‘whys’, I did that for years torturing myself, it’s pointless and sucks the life out of you.

By staying and being miserable and subjecting your kids to an unhappy home (they will sense it) you’re just as bad! Leave, show them that they don’t have to put up with being disrespected! You clearly can’t manage to get over it and nor should you.
My dad didn’t have affairs but made my mum unhappy and she stayed and still has. I’m 39 now and find it pathetic and her pathetic for not putting her needs first. She was miserable all the time and I knew it.
Trust me, a happy mum is better than a miserable mum even if they do have two parents in one home.

Wow you think this is better than splitting up? I feel sorry for your kids, not you though. This is your choice.

I'm guessing money plays a big part here. I could be wrong but are you keeping him around for his income perhaps? That's the only reason I'm thinking you wouldn't want to be single and worried about providing for your kids.
Why do you undervalue yourself so much?

So if your kids are grown up and.left home, why don't you leave him now?

They have an emotionally unstable mother though, who chooses manipulation and control and hates their father. Even when parents are separated the contempt for each other, if present, impacts the children. It could be considered that you haven't learnt the lessons of your childhood. It's not too late though, psychological support at this stage can change things.

I can feel the weight of his presence crushing your soul when I read your OP. The loathing is palpable (and wholly justified!)

Your children will be aware of the horrible atmosphere all of the time. You can’t hide it from them, and the more you try, the more toxic it will be for them. Please, please, let go of outdated fears about “broken homes” and hoof this worthless dead weight out of your life! You’ve worked so hard to heal, but you can’t heal the rest of the way until the source of the injury is out from under your roof. You deserve to be truly happy, and your children need you to be - much more than they need parents who stay together at such a terrible cost.

Yes my children have seen things I wished they had not. Angry voices, banging doors, probably me crying.But it's nothing, absolutely nothing compared to what I grew up with with my Mum. Strange men she met and invited over.

It's not nothing though.

It's their own shit life experience.

You had your shit life experience and gave then a different but equally shit life experience.

When they cone over and seem to like visiting one house firstly, they have nothing to compare that to, that's their only life experience and secondly, that's for your benefit.