It's me now

[LifeSurvior]

I am ten years on from a very traumatic experience of my husband cheating.
It took me into horrendously dark places,,suicide, drinking, hospital admission to mental health facilities.
I am so much better now with my mental health wellbeing, I'm stable, I cope okay with my life, I'm a good Mum, I sorted myself.
But the anger, the disdain, the sheer fucking how on earth could he have done this to our family feelings are still here.
He came back after I had to be in hospital.
I still look at him and think, you only did that because your family were horrified. He has never come clean with his family, he told them I had a breakdown, I was suicidal, I was the nutty one.
He has never, ever told them he met another woman in hotel rooms for sex.
He still now can not abide me saying the reason I don't like you is because you fucked an other women behind my back and gaslightied me it was my fault.
He thinks I should just shut up, be okay, shag him and be silent.

People who are commenting need to be aware that the children in this case are adults now. The childhood part it over.

I missed that but surely this means she has no reason whatsoever to stay now?

Not sure why I missed it, but it was 10 years ago? Your children are adult and don’t live at home? You’re in there telling him you don’t like him ?

If you’re staying for financial reasons, as you don’t want to be alone. Just own it. But it’s a choice you’re making. I have no idea why the pair of you live this miserable life, why neither of you finishes it. I can only assume it’s money related.

Sorry this is on you now. You won't be able to move on by staying. And anyone who thinks that it is good for the kids to stay in an unhealthy relationship like this is deluded.

@LifeSurvior Ok, so you’ve made it very clear that you’re never going to leave.

So what do you want from this thread?

Your childhood sounds awful, but that doesn’t mean you would be the same if you split up, in fact, your past may fuel you to be far far from that.
Single parenthood isn’t always what you’ve experienced. My husband cheated and that was the end of us. It was a hard adjustment being on my own and navigating single parenthood, but I got there. I’ve not had a string of other men in and out of my children’s lives. I dated, yes, but the children never saw that and the only man they ever met was the one I’m engaged to and he is great with my children. He has an amazing family who have basically taken my children on as their own and who my children love dearly. So in a way, they have a bonus family. I’m not saying these things to make you envious or any similar emotion, I’m saying these things to try to show you that if you did go your separate ways, the future isn’t set to be how your childhood was, YOU make it how you want it to be. Also, you don’t have to have a man in life to be happy IMO.
And I’m really sorry you’ve been through all that you have, both childhood and the cheating.

Jeez. You're going to be glaring at him and muttering darkly to yourself what a twat he is on your deathbed at this rate. Have fun with that as a retirement option.

You could leave him and not behave like your Mum.

Mumsnet is not the place to be airing your problems. There are some horrible posters on here.
You need counselling. See your doctor to arrange this. You have been traumatised by your childhood. Your husband has been traumatised in a different way, he does not like or respect women - because of his mother's behaviour.
You need to explore all of this with a professional, not a bunch of randoms on mumsnet.

Now I’m really confused. So, your kids are adults. So fuck knows what your initial post was about with that context. Nothing you describe in your initial post or subsequent posts is relevant to adult kids. So, just leave him. Simple as that. It really is so simple.

Trauma and negative behaviours repeat and transfer over generations (look up transgenerational trauma) - sometimes manifesting differently, but often following the same patterns. Your husband is repeating the patterns possibly to see how it feels. I am not in anyway making excuses for this shitty behaviour but it’s just not a surprise. You can only control you, you seem to have enough self awareness to know what you don’t want for your kids, but please don’t be under any illusion that you’re breaking the pattern by staying. There is still a man treating you like shit, there is still an unhappy home. If you split you cannot control what your husband does like you say but you can create the secure, peaceful and loving base in your own home and be there for your children 100%. Yes your splitting up is the same as your parents but the outcome is different - that’s breaking the pattern.
Im curious, is this about finances too?

I guess its more to do with not wanting the life style change now then. Why on earth stay when you’re clearly so unhappy. If people stay after an affair then I think you have to learn to move on, or just leave, as throwing it back in their face all the time or harbouring anger just leads to two people being miserable. Bonkers staying when they are adults. I don’t get it. Can only assume OP doesn’t work.

Hi op,
your husband is a shagger partly due to the role model his dad gave him with his mum putting up.
if you repeat this cycle your kids will learn it’s normal too.
you don’t need to have a string of men in your home if you break up, I certainly don’t. He’ll either take 5050 and you’ll have freedom and less financial burden or if you have kids lots more he’ll have to pay child maintenance.
you can also make the choice to end the relationship and just be coparents living together (so he doesn’t feel entitled to shagging). Lots of marriages are sexless. Then you can get your emotional (and romantic if you like) needs met outside of this awful marriage.

You need to get out OP. You'll never forgive him and nor should you.

You are not your parents. Your kids are older. Put yourself first now.

Oh you have adult kids
well then you have the option to break up and have different homes or if you want to stay in the family home just live as flatmates

Your husband hates women. If your children are grown, I don't understand your excuses.

Your kids will be miserable thou they will pick up on this animosity!
Do better than your own parents break the cycle !
Leave him and make a happy life for yourself and the kids u don't actually need a man x

You had a horrific childhood. You have given your children a different version of a horrific childhood.

I just wanted to give you a virtual hug, and tell you to be kind to yourself. You are in the trenches and this is part of the healing / acceptance process. You may be able to move past it, or you may not, but its completely normal, so give yourself the time and space to think things through to see if you can work through it or not. Dont feel weird or like you are stuck in the past or anything else, you are moving through the stages of trauma. Lots of love xx

As children ae now adults, their childhoods are over.

You are choosing to stay in this situation now for yourself. Not them.

I agree that you're not going to find the answers on a MN thread. You need to understand what need this is meeting in yourself and address that. Because it is meeting a need, otherwise you'd have left.

OP what age are your kids? If they are late teens / adults, why are you staying now? Surely one stable but happy parent is enough at that age, if you split and their dad goes off the rails. Staying in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage when your kids have grown up, because you don't want them to hsve the same experiences as you did as a young child, is bonkers.

Because she can’t be single.

She never stayed for the kids sake, she stayed because she wanted to for herself.

She’s angry now because her excuse used to be the children but now she doesn’t have that.

Its obvious that she can’t be single when the majority of her replies imply that if she left him she’d have a string of men instead of just staying single and potentially dating one man in the future.

She’s tried blaming her kids, blaming her mum and now there is no one else to blame for her staying put and that’s why she’s now feeling angry and resentful.

I suppose what I need to get from this thread is I have learned all the awful lessons from my childhood but he hasn't.

But you didn't.

You were so afraid of giving your children an unhappy home, a shagging around parent who didn't prioritise them, and a mother who drank that you gave them an unhappy home, a shagging around parent who didn't prioritise them, and a mother who drank. You were afraid of them growing up with an awful example of.how relationships should be, so you let them grow up with an awful example of how relationships should be.

You may have learnt a lesson from your childhood, but it was the wrong one.

Please get proper, deep therapy. You can unlearn this. And leave the cheating worm - nobody gains anything from you making each other so unhappy.

She says they’re adults and that they don’t live at home (I wonder why).

Its hard to tell exactly how old they are but I have a feeling it wouldn’t matter as OP would still try and use them as an excuse.

As a PP said, she just needs to own it.
She’s staying because she doesn’t want to be single, she enjoys the financial lifestyle, she loves him etc.
Once she admits these things to herself then she’ll be much more content and can actually try and find a way to move forward.

There’s so much anger and vitriol in your posts that your DC must have been impacted by your reactions. You can feel your simmering rage through a few words on a page. They must be stepping on eggshells.

You say you don’t want to split up because you saw a troop of men pass through your house as a child. Well, that’s in your control. Just don’t have boyfriends until your kids leave home.

Your husband may be relieved and agree reasonable terms if you suggest an amicable separation.

I hope you have good real life support and talking therapy etc. You have to try looking at the positives in life. One of my old friends went through a very bitter divorce last year. She was a very difficult character who pushed her husband constantly. I don’t know for sure if he has an affair (I wouldn’t have been surprised if he did). It’s sad to see her emotions damage their daughter as well as friendships. I’ve stepped back massively as she’s a ball of rage about him and it’s impossible to sit through her ranting after so long. She hasn’t found peace with the situation at all. Won’t do counselling and her friends aren’t qualified to help her.

All the best OP.