It's me now

[LifeSurvior]

I am ten years on from a very traumatic experience of my husband cheating.
It took me into horrendously dark places,,suicide, drinking, hospital admission to mental health facilities.
I am so much better now with my mental health wellbeing, I'm stable, I cope okay with my life, I'm a good Mum, I sorted myself.
But the anger, the disdain, the sheer fucking how on earth could he have done this to our family feelings are still here.
He came back after I had to be in hospital.
I still look at him and think, you only did that because your family were horrified. He has never come clean with his family, he told them I had a breakdown, I was suicidal, I was the nutty one.
He has never, ever told them he met another woman in hotel rooms for sex.
He still now can not abide me saying the reason I don't like you is because you fucked an other women behind my back and gaslightied me it was my fault.
He thinks I should just shut up, be okay, shag him and be silent.

Your OP wasn’t very clear about what you want.

Are you okay with just shutting up and shagging your husband then?

You've ruined the last 10 years for you and your children for what? To give a 'fuck you' to a man who doesn't seem to care?

He cheats on you - you can't prevent him meeting another woman by staying with him

I mean a therapist might say he could be taking out his anger at his mum on you by hurting you the way she hurt him. Psychological projection is a well known thing and most people don’t recognise when they’re doing it.

Knowing that doesn’t make your relationship better though.

Your marriage is over.

You’ll never be happy with this man after what he’s done to you, and he’ll never be happy that you’re quite rightly angry and bitter about it.

There’s no way this marriage will last, so you need to plan slowly and meticulously how to split.

When I asked him why he said "because I could"

That's always the reason. It's the only reason. At least he was more honest than most.

You said it would 'blow you up', but it hasn't, has it? You're still locked in the same relationship founded on resentment, just with another resentment added.

Are you with him to teach him a lesson, make his life miserable?

He hasn't left you, either, despite your open contempt for him. Your marriage is as dysfunctional as hell and you're both wrapped up in your little psychodrama. Do you think this is helping your kids become balanced, emotionally responsible adults?

I haven't ruined my childrens childhood though. I stayed, I came back and they haven't had my childhood. They have had both parents. We have given them two parents.
Yes we have had what we have but crucially I have got the through their formative years and now adults. We haven't split our family. They come home and seem to appreciate one home.
I didn't have that, he didn't have that,
I still think it's better than the horror of my childhood.

You seriously think it is the OP who ruined all those years? FFS. She's not responsible for this shitshow.

Try reading the OP again and see what she's had to endure because of what SOMEONE ELSE DID TO HER. And read again why she felt she's had to stay.

He hates his mum and probably doesn’t respect or genuinely like any woman including you. I think that’s likely the reason.

The two worst men I’ve dated had very toxic relationships with their mothers.

Not saying all men with bad relationships with their mothers turn out like that but it does happen a lot. It’s like they punish every woman forever more for what their mum did or didn’t do.

It sounds like this man hates you which tracks given how he feels about his mother.

Yes, it's not as bad as what either of you had. Well done. You could've done better.

Your kids are grown up now? How are their relationships, do you know?

And again. Why don't you leave the husband you despise and the marriage you detest?

Well, I'll leave OP and blacksax to it.

Children are better off with one happy single parent than with two miserable ones. I know because I was the child of a mum who did leave, and eight year old me was delighted and relieved that she did. She worked hard to give me a good stable and happy childhood, and I will be eternally grateful to her. You could break this miserable cycle too, and I hope you do for you and your children’s sake.

You are aware of all the mistakes your parents made. What makes you so sure history would repeat itself?

Be kind to you and the children. Am pretty sure they'd rather not have a mum who is driven so low by their dad. Sending hugs.

Totally agree with this. I left my controlling and emotionally abusive ex and while yes, the kids do spend time with him each fortnight and don’t love that he is grumpy and ignores them in favour of his new girlfriend, the same was true of him when we were together (except then he was also ignoring me in favour of his hobbies).

However their majority home with me is peaceful, fun and well-organised, with a loving, attentive mum who is no longer suffering from physical illness and emotional exhaustion. Critically, if their dad becomes too unpleasant for them, they can now choose to live full-time with me.

Wait, your children are now adults? So… why are you still staying?

You're riddled with hatred and resentment. You can't hide that. I'm not sure you're doing your kids the favour you think you are. And what's to stop him walking out of your life again? Honestly this situation sounds toxic as hell because neither of you have resolved your issues from childhood.

I sorted myself.

I beg to differ.

I mean, you could have divorced him and then not invited strange men back to your house for sex. You could've divorced him and not had random 'step men' in your kids' lives. That's not actually mandatory, you know.

You can divorce and then just be single, or even divorce and date but not bring them home to meet your kids, if you want. In fact, that's generally what I'd recommend.

How long ago did your husband return to you?

Obviously, just leave. And get yourself some therapy too, with no sarcasm, you do need it.

Are you saying that the children are now adults? If so, then you’ve done what you promised yourselves you would do, brought them up together, now is your time to make a break and find your own life. Or are you planning on growing old together with this resentment festering? You need to make you own life now, it’s so hard but you can do it

Women are judged for surviving what men are excused of causing

I think you all sound completely deranged and fucked up. Absolutely ridiculous situation. You sound half mad with fury and hatred and jealousy. You need to find peace.

Sure, because it's always better to have two parents living under the same roof in an utterly toxic mess of a relationship full of seething resentment than have your adult children (gulp) visit two different homes. They couldn't possibly cope as full grown adults with their mum finally deciding she's had enough of what they must absolutely know is a crap relationship where she's treated horribly.

Not sure what you want from people here. A medal for staying in an awful relationship? You had your reasons, but I think what most people are saying here is that they don't really understand the logic behind you staying, because it seems (to most people) to be fairly irrationally based on the idea that you had a binary choice between "stay and give my kids a good childhood or leave, turn into my mum and ruin my kids' lives". Whereas the reality is probably that you'd have muddled along like most single mums do in life and there would have been some good times and some harder ones.

I'm probably one of those "nicely married women" now, but my childhood sure wasn't like that and I don't resent my mum for a second for not putting up with an abusive relationship. As a single mum she wasn't in Spoons or bringing rando men home either, mostly she was too busy working, she was a nurse and did overtime a lot. Adults have choices about how they conduct themselves. Your mum didn't put you first in how she behaved as a single parent, but that's to do with the choices she made about putting her own needs/wants before her children's, not because of single parenthood in itself.

Your kids are grown up. It really is OK to prioritise yourself at this point, if staying is making you miserable.

I think it's more that OP can't control her horrendous, abusive, disgusting husband, but she can control her own actions.

So no, he's not excused of being utter scum (and if he started a thread on here, I'm sure he'd be rightly torn to shreds), and she's not being judged for his actions.

But she is responsible for choosing to stay with him, using the excuse that otherwise she'll apparently have to shag all the men in town and bring them home to her kids, and/or be poor. Which obviously isn't true. And doesn't explain why she's still with him when her kids are adults.

Respectfully, this is an utterly warped manner of thinking. It lacks any kind of logic whatsoever. You are only further damaging your mental health and that of your (now adult?) children. All of your posts are so (I'm sorry) completely fucked up.
Please get yourself some help.

Posting a link to Women's Aid. Others may have suggestions, too.
I'm so sorry for you childhood. You've coped the best you could based on tour experiences. It's clear you have only wanted to give your children better. You just haven't had the tools, nor the playbook, that hasn't been tainted.

womensaid.org.uk