It's me now

[LifeSurvior]

I am ten years on from a very traumatic experience of my husband cheating.
It took me into horrendously dark places,,suicide, drinking, hospital admission to mental health facilities.
I am so much better now with my mental health wellbeing, I'm stable, I cope okay with my life, I'm a good Mum, I sorted myself.
But the anger, the disdain, the sheer fucking how on earth could he have done this to our family feelings are still here.
He came back after I had to be in hospital.
I still look at him and think, you only did that because your family were horrified. He has never come clean with his family, he told them I had a breakdown, I was suicidal, I was the nutty one.
He has never, ever told them he met another woman in hotel rooms for sex.
He still now can not abide me saying the reason I don't like you is because you fucked an other women behind my back and gaslightied me it was my fault.
He thinks I should just shut up, be okay, shag him and be silent.

But it's nothing, absolutely nothing compared to what I grew up with with my Mum. Strange men she met and invited over.

I stay because my kids don't need random step men in their lives.

Are you incapable of just being single?

Why are your only 2 options either being in an unhappy marriage or being a slag and a bad parent?

You are not staying for the kids sake.
You need to be honest about that.
You are staying because you can’t be single.

Your DH is a dick for what he did but you either need to forgive him and get over it or end the relationship.

Yes i stayed and let me tell you it was the worst thing i could have done for my children. They are all in their 30s now and my staying in that marriage still impacts them today.
I understand you don't want your children to suffer the way you did but they won't as you know better than to have any men in the house. You know that you need to put your children first.You know better than to drink the money for their food and clothes.
Please leave and make a great life for those children, they deserve one and so far neither you nor your husband have provided that.
You can give them the life they need.

Jesus, let it go or leave him. This is completely toxic. Yes he sounds awful but you can’t make a choice to stay and then ruin both your lives.

And there are literally thousands of women and men on here who separate and their lives are perfectly fine, better even, with no random shagging, boozing and money down the sofa. Surely you know that?

Perhaps you are feeling things so intensely now because you are in a better place with your mental health?
I think you havent got over your DH betrayal and unless you do or decide its over it will cause you and you kids pain.
You have been shaped by your experiences understandably .
Remember you are not your mother or DH and would not repeat their patterns of behaviour.
You sound unhappy with your DH and you have 2 choices: a) leave him and move forward on your own or b) Resolve your feelings about this betrayal.

Oh op. You are ruining your own and your kids lives, just in a different way. I’m sorry.

I still look at him and think, you only did that because your family were horrified. He has never come clean with his family, he told them I had a breakdown, I was suicidal, I was the nutty one.
He has never, ever told them he met another woman in hotel rooms for sex.

@LifeSurvior You are carrying so much anger because of what he did – and because he's made you complicit in covering it up!

I loathe this phrase, so apologies for using it, but what happened is your truth too. Not just his. So if you want people to know what the lying scumbag did to push you to break down, shout it from the rooftops. I promise you'll feel better for unburdening yourself.

And if he doesn't like it, tough. He knows where the door is.

This. Stay if you want to but own your decision for what it is.

I find it frustrating when women claim they’re staying for the kids, when it’s clearly more that they’re afraid to be single.

Your DH is a dick for what he did but you either need to forgive him and get over it or end the relationship.

Exactly.

OP - he has no respect for you and feels entitled to your body and your loyalty despite what’s gone on. And honestly, a man like that will just cheat again if he doesn’t feel the “love” from you very soon. He will likely cheat again either way tbh.

Personally I’d leave as I couldn’t stomach a man like that, but if you are committed to staying you will need to move past this.

As a single mother who goes to work, provides for her happy kids and is in bed alone every day by 9pm I’d say there is definitely more than one way to do it. But I am sorry you went through that, no wonder you’ve been afraid of replicating it as it sounds truly shit and you deserved better.

This anger will eat you up though. If you insist on staying with him for a whatever reason it will ruin your health, your peace and your life. Does this man really deserve to take all those things from you?

Find a way to work through it constructively. Get a therapist and if you can’t stretch to that try to find a community of people online or in real life who get it, who you can talk to and unpack everything.

Wishing you luck. Life is short and peace takes more work for some than for others but it’s worth trying.

Why do you not have the agency to be single?

You don’t have to parade a string of men in front of the children. you can get a job & benefits & look after the children so that it doesn’t matter if he withholds maintenance.

You are probably worse than your parent, you are teaching your child its OK to be in a relationship like this, to be treated so badly you have a breakdown, treated so badly you can barely hide the contempt. Treated so badly your children are seeing this toxic relationship.

At some point you have to take some responsibility & realise that its better to teach your children to not put up with this kind of shit

You should make yourself free and break the cycle.

Get rid of him

The kids are effectively being tortured in a way different to your own childhoods but still it is torture.

Get therapy and move on. Away from him

The misery will never end. You should bin him asap. And let everyone know why if they ask. Never hide other people’s dirty secrets.

And your anger is totally justified.

I see you had a difficult childhood when your parents split up. It must be heartbreaking for your dad to not care about your welfare by withholding money. I see lots of men who meet another woman and then put their new family first. However, I grew up with a dad who cheated and a mum who stayed for the kids, but so he wouldn’t leave and meet someone else and so we wouldn’t have a step mum. Most of my teenager years were very stressful and anxious, my mum was very bitter and resentful (understandably) and I became her therapist. I felt like I had to mediate with my parents all the time. It’s shaped me into a chronic people pleaser who is always described as “calm” in crisis but I think it’s because I had to be. Luckily it shaped me in a positive way but my sister who was younger than me has OCD, AuADHD and still lives with my parents and causes them a lot of grief. She may have been like that anyway but she’s very resentful at the trauma they caused especially my dad but more recently my mum for staying.
you are probably someone who wants to control everything, but sometimes like people said you can’t control what someone else does. Your husband might meet someone else and next time leave you properly, it’s obvious he’s capable. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have forgiven him because plenty of people do and make it work, but it sounds like you haven’t. My honest advice would be if you stay, go to couples therapy and work on truly forgiving him, your parents, and yourself. Don’t stay if you’re going to be bitter and resentful as it will destroy you and your family. And I’d advise to always be prepared, save money while you can, don’t put 100% trust in your husband, make sure you have an escape plan just in case so you and your kids will be ok no matter what the future holds.

You obviously did what you felt was right for your children.

What keeps you with him now they are adults?

If you're willing to carry on with this relationship then you need to stop going on at him about it.( thats if you do) If you keep bringing it up with him then he will do the job for you and leave.
Its awful when someone cheats as you never really recover from it whilst your with the person who did it. The trust has been destroyed forever.

I'm a single mum who occasionally goes to Spoons. They do indeed have nice carpets, the tea is nice (Twinings) and cheap and you get free refills. I could spend an afternoon in there if I felt like it, although DS might get bored. I don't have any boyfriends though.

You haven't given them your shitty childhood, that's true. Well done.
Instead you have given them their own shitty childhood. Because you really have. They will KNOW and be storing up trauma. Because I went through their childhood and its just as crap as the one you went through.
No medal for you.

I would have left. I don't think having split parents is worse. I have friends whos parents stayed togrther ehen they shouldnt and they have openly said they wish to god their parents had split rather than live in a miserable house.
If I had all those feelings you do about my DH then I would leave as soon as I could.

Also why do you keeo saying about step m4n, a string of men etc. You do 't have to bave a man you know. Why would you have to have multiple boyfriends. Or even one?

If I were you I would start telling anyone you want to tell, including his family, about what really happened. You might feel less resentful with the truth out there.

You’re right, you didn’t give your children your childhood or your husband’s… you gave them my childhood.

Living with two parents that can’t stand each other was horrific. The tension, the silent treatment and the looks of sheer hatred between them were not hard to miss. They are still together now, in their late sixties and still full of resentment and misery. I still visit but I’m on edge the whole time waiting for the sniping to start.

When kids see that sort of relationship, they think it’s normal. Which led me to marry a man very similar to my dad - a horrible, selfish, cheating bastard. I stayed because I thought a home with two parents was the best I could offer my kids.

Until one day, I caught myself internally wishing he would drop dead soon (something my mum said frequently about my dad growing up) and I looked at my 7 year old daughter and realised that I didn’t want this as her blueprint for her adult relationships and I divorced the fucker.

Two years on, there has been no endless parade of men or alcohol. I’ve not so much as kissed another man because I don’t want another relationship. I spent 25 years with that man from the age of 16 and I never got to just be me and it’s so nice not having to constantly consider someone else’s feelings.

It’s never too late, don’t be like my mum who has been pretty miserable for the 40+ years they’ve been married. She’s just waiting for him to die so she can be free. Just like her own mother did but my grandmother only got 6 months of freedom before she died too. Break the cycle.

This is a very good point @Zanatdy. I don't understand the OP's reasoning one bit. Is it financial? Do you work OP? What about friends and other things on your life?

it’s time to let go now, your children are adults. A majority of children thrive in single parent households. My children are happy and living a peaceful childhood after many years of witnessing abuse with their father. I intend to stay single, you and your husband had very unfortunate childhoods. It would be a good idea to get therapy and live a peaceful life away from your husband xx

But you don't have to be like that. Do you think your children's childhood is great the way things are?

You can't control other people and what they do and they do things for many different reasons. And yes it's sad and devastating but people let themselves and other people down. You can only control what you do.