It's me now

[LifeSurvior]

I am ten years on from a very traumatic experience of my husband cheating.
It took me into horrendously dark places,,suicide, drinking, hospital admission to mental health facilities.
I am so much better now with my mental health wellbeing, I'm stable, I cope okay with my life, I'm a good Mum, I sorted myself.
But the anger, the disdain, the sheer fucking how on earth could he have done this to our family feelings are still here.
He came back after I had to be in hospital.
I still look at him and think, you only did that because your family were horrified. He has never come clean with his family, he told them I had a breakdown, I was suicidal, I was the nutty one.
He has never, ever told them he met another woman in hotel rooms for sex.
He still now can not abide me saying the reason I don't like you is because you fucked an other women behind my back and gaslightied me it was my fault.
He thinks I should just shut up, be okay, shag him and be silent.

I’m so sorry you’ve gone through all of this. It’s trauma on top of trauma. You said above about learning a lesson from your childhood. That hard lesson doesn’t have to be your story. You can write your own story now. New chapters. Happy chapters.

It’s jumping out from your posts what a loving and caring Mum you are, putting your DC above your own happiness and tolerating that awful shit of a man - who does not deserve you - because you don’t want them to experience what you did. You deserve to be happy too, OP, and if you want to have another partner, to have a partner who cherishes you and is worthy of your trust. Love and strength to you xx

Hi Op, my ex, controlling, abusive, abandoned his family 9 years ago for the woman he was having an affair with. The anger I felt in the months afterwards, at his lies, the risks he had exposed us to, the humiliation, that my life had been a sham, that people had known, not told me, and that I had been the fool, the local topic of gossip for however long, broke me. But, for my kids, I had to get on with things, get back to work. I spent a lot of time asking the questions you are, why did he do what he did, but then these questions gradually changed to, why was I attracted to, and why did I stay with such a deeply flawed individual. What was wrong with me? I’m still single now, my children are happy, I made things work. I’ve never had another relationship, I don’t trust men, more importantly I don’t trust myself, and I’m okay with this, we’re stable, secure and my children are happy. And I’ve stopped asking the whys about him, I no longer give a fuck about him. He is fucked and he fucked it. End. You need to get to asking the questions about you. You need to move on.

If you've decided to stay with him, wouldn't it be better to work through some of the rage in counselling and start to forgive? Not for him, but just for yourself, to not stay disliking him so much and feeling that anger all day every day? I left my cheating husband, because I know I couldn't stay with him or have sex with him ever again. But if someone did choose to stay, surely trying to create a loving relationship again would be the goal?

Good lord. How about if you split up:

• you don’t take up with a string of random men
• you don’t sit in a bar all day drinking

That will solve that fear.

As to DH, you are not making sense, he’s already having sex with random women outside your marriage, as you say, his excuse is ‘because I could’, so any respite will only be temporary. So, he will be doing this either within his marriage or on his own if you split, but either way that’s what he will be doing so sane for the kids irrespective. So, that reality remains whether you stay married or split up.

Is he self-employed? Otherwise, have CMS collect directly, get whatever else you are entitled to.

Just because you both had shitty childhoods with shitty parents does not mean you have to act the same way if you divorce, so your kids won’t have the same childhood, that’s easily sorted. They will be more damaged by staying in this toxic shitshow though.

Clearly your children wouldn’t experience the same as you did if you split so that’s a crazy reason to stay. You can split up, and not bring men into your children’s life. You can put them first. Your childhood was bad because of that, mine was bad because my parents stayed together when they shouldn’t. The middle ground is separating, but not bringing a load of men into their life’s. Woman can live without a partner.

My children are well adjusted and had a nice peaceful childhood. My ex and I are friends and none of us had a new partner for over a decade. I have only dated without my children’s knowledge, as I wouldn’t introduce a man into their lives. Both are 18 plus now. Women always have reasons to stay which don’t make a lot of sense, just excuses. This is the example of a relationship you’re setting to your children. You don’t sound happy at all. I’d reconsider moving on, as your children may not thank you for staying one day.

You’re teaching your children to learn that this behaviour is acceptable

if your children came to you and said their partners had cheated. Would you be saying ok. Stay with them! All is gooe

you need to teach them to respect themselves and be strong! You can do it. I know you can. ❤️❤️❤️

Kids know. My friend was in a very very similar situation. His kids knew. He swore they didn’t. But now they’re 30. They’ve told him they knew from the age of 2….

So she is being judged for her actions - choosing to stay with him. I think it's a fair choice on her part. I understand why she's made it given her history although I would also understand the opposite choice. She may of course be poor if she leaves him. He might wipe her out financially in a divorce - post separation abuse is not uncommon and that would affect her adult children's futures (as does the choice she's made in different ways). She also might not cope well with life post divorce and her husband might bring someone awful into his life if she leaves him. She knows herself and her husband best. I don't envy the position she's in but I do think she's getting a lot of judgement.

I'm sure mumsnet genuinely do judge her husband and he does deserve it but I doubt were they to divorce that he'd suffer many consequences out in the wider world.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP - do whatever you think is best. It's a horrible position he's put you in and it's totally up to you how you deal with it.

@LifeSurvior now that the children are older, would you consider leaving your partner? It sounds a lot like you trauma bonded when you got together, he let you down massively during that time, then came back after you were unwell. You dont seem mentally able to cope with the idea of a healthy split family. Im not saying its common, but can happen.

Ultimately your partner did what he did because he wanted to. He was happy to have a wife at home, but fuck around. Some women are ok with this, as they enjoy being the woman he comes back to. You dont sound ok with it. You cant change the past, so how does your future look?

What age are your kids now? Will you leave him when they’re grown up? I wonder how your kids would describe your family

Your kids are grown up, none of the fears you had about them being thrown into chaos and poverty came to fruition.

You've made all the sacrifices you needed to make, and you've done a good job raising them.

Now it's your turn. Do what's best for you, go and make your own happy life for yourself!

Careful- your kindness is showing. 🙄

If your children are adults, surely it's OK for you and your husband to split up now?

You talk as though every single mother drinks to excess and constantly brings random men back to their children's home which certainly isn't the case and is very disrespectful to single mums.

You are obviously scarred and traumatised by your childhood experiences but you made a conscious decision to stay with your husband after he cheated, telling yourself that you did it for your children. As they are no longer children, but are adults now, you can now leave your cheating husband with a clear conscience and build a new life of your own.

Surely you don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone who you obviously hate?

My point of this thread was why did my husband do something that he said he would never do, that he hated, and why I accepted it.

And our point is that you should stop wallowing in anger ant your husband and do the right thing by your children.

I think this is the most fucked up OP and thread that I've ever seen on MN. @LifeSurvior get help! You need help

Weird thread. Telling strangers what a piece of shit your husband is, only to then fiercely defend your abject devotion to this destructive relationship.

It seems you expect us to say, "Yeah you poor thing he's disgusting, but you're a real hero for not leaving him."

Wait, your children are adults now and you’re still living with your husband and festering in rage?

So all your answers to the question of “Why are you still with him?” have been completely irrelevant.

Why are you still with him?

Your children are grown up. You could go yet you choose to stay. Having chosen this path why not choose to make it happier? Life's short. It doesn't have to be like this for the rest of it.

It sounds like you hate each other. It must be very tough for your children to live in that environment. They must be close to adulthood by now and it’s an opportunity for you to close the door on this awful marriage and live a happier life.

Ten years is an 8th or 9th of your whole life - a long time to live in misery. If you don’t leave I strongly suspect your DH will. I know several marriages that have broken down the minute the youngest heads off to uni.

I’m not sure if your logic op. How long ago was this? Your children are adults. You clearly dislike your husband, you even state it, so why are you still staying?

The children are adults and don’t live with them.

All the more reason to just end the marriage then. There’s no need for it any more.

Quite.

Have you actually had any therapy, @LifeSurvior ? I’m guessing not. This would be a good place to start. Better late than never.

But FFS get your ducks in a row and leave him.

This is no way to live. At the end of your miserable life you won’t get a reward for sticking it out…

@LifeSurvior Sounds like you both had horrible childhoods and didn't want to repeat it at any cost for your DC.

You are not your mother

I am not sure why you think that 2 parents not tolerating each other and having addiction and mental health issues is better than 1 stable parent.

There are amazing single parents out there who don't sleep around and provide safe, happy homes for their DC.

If you split up, would your ex not pay child maintenance?