It's me now

[LifeSurvior]

I am ten years on from a very traumatic experience of my husband cheating.
It took me into horrendously dark places,,suicide, drinking, hospital admission to mental health facilities.
I am so much better now with my mental health wellbeing, I'm stable, I cope okay with my life, I'm a good Mum, I sorted myself.
But the anger, the disdain, the sheer fucking how on earth could he have done this to our family feelings are still here.
He came back after I had to be in hospital.
I still look at him and think, you only did that because your family were horrified. He has never come clean with his family, he told them I had a breakdown, I was suicidal, I was the nutty one.
He has never, ever told them he met another woman in hotel rooms for sex.
He still now can not abide me saying the reason I don't like you is because you fucked an other women behind my back and gaslightied me it was my fault.
He thinks I should just shut up, be okay, shag him and be silent.

The children (now adults) are probably quietly in therapy now. Im still so shocked by @LifeSurvior's reactions over the years

If they're adults now, then it is you now.

What do you get out of staying at this point?

With someone you resent and who seems angry, resentful and dismissive of you in turn?

This is your one and only life to lead. Do you really want to spend the rest of it like this?

Wow. I read the initial post and wanted to say something supportive but you clearly have very entrenched ideas about single parent families!!

My ex-DH cheated on me while I was pregnant with our second child. It was a horrendously difficult time and we ultimately split up. I became a single parent to a baby and a 4-year-old. I thought my heart would never mend.

Fast forward 9 years- I forgave him. He remarried, I STAYED SINGLE - it is absolutely possible to be a calm, healthy, balanced single mum who doesn’t introduce lots of men to the children - I am single, celibate and very happy. The dc are thriving.

I thought we had moved past the cliche that ‘broken families mean broken kids’ - what a load of rubbish. My other perspective on this is that my parents are still married after 40-something years - they can’t stand each other. I’d much rather live a life that’s honest and authentic. Yes my marriage ‘failed’ but we’ve made the best of a tough situation, my ex can come round and have a cup of tea now when dropping or collecting our dc, there is zero drama or animosity. I’m sorry for your childhood experiences but it DOES NOT mean that’s inevitable if you end your sham of a marriage. You can can break the cycle if you’re strong and determined enough. Right now it does not sound as if you are.

In your position I would have left years ago, when he cheated. If you’re staying for the money, but the cost of that is to live the rest of your life being angry and resentful, that’s on you, not him.

As long as you don’t expect any gratitude from your children for your choice. Are you planning to leave when they are fully independent, or are you planning a Death Do Us Part and you are going to out-live him?

Do you want to be happy OP? Do you want to find ways to be able to move on, because you seem very very stuck.

I think in your position I would worry that one day your husband will just leave anyway. If what’s on offer is a life time of acid comments and a joyless marriage, then to borrow a Brexit phrase “other people have sovereignty too”.

But the first question is do you want to be happy?

You have put your children through a lot though - they probably noticed a lot more than you think they did. Your comments are quite offensive to single mums and I honestly think you would have been a lot happier than if you’d stayed with a man you despise…you could have still given your children a good life and could have prioritised them.

It sounds like you will have a miserable future if you stay with this man. My H cheated and I felt full of rage too so I kicked him out and don’t regret it. They haven’t had a procession of stepdads and years down the line I’m only now dipping my toe into dating now as they are older.

They still have two parents, we just don’t live together and have made co-parenting work. They are happy and have a great life so divorce doesn’t have to equal unhappiness! My parents divorced when I was a child too and I would never behave the way my mother did, so history doesn’t have to repeat itself.

I hear you op. If your children are adult now, I think it’s time to focus on you. Frankly fuck what “he says”. Who cares? Either make a plan to leave, or, at the very least, insist on some couples therapy so you can process some of the poison out of your marriage and seek individual therapy for yourself. You do not deserve another 10 years of feeling like this.

He’s told you why he did it, it must have been heartbreaking. I think the answers you give for why you’re staying make sense, to you.

I think therapy would be useful here. You had a dysfunctional upbringing, you clearly don’t want that for your own children, but I’m not sure the rage and pain (it’s visceral in your writing) is something your children will be forever changed by.

Please at least get some counselling OP. Now your kids are old enough you can prioritise your mental health and kick him out.

It’s not good to live with all this anger. I don’t agree that staying together was the best thing but it’s done now. You can change it now though.

It's not an either /or, it's not if I stay then I won't behave like my mum and it will be OK. If I go then it's going to be multiple boyfriends.
I think you need some therapy, you need to have an actual life for yourself. Why are you staying? What do you get out of this? Do you want to spend the rest of your life quietly seething with anger?
I'm sorry but none of this makes sense.

OP if your children are adults then why are you still staying? They have their own lives now. There’s no need to live in this mental hell anymore.

@LifeSurvior You’re rightfully angry and hurt.

BUT you’re the one in control here. Your husband fears the shame of his family. You are prioritising your children to give them a stable childhood. So you have the best possible outcome right right now - this is your choice, you hold the cards, and you are determining what happens next.

Make sure you have an exit strategy in place, and then you will have the freedom to get rid of him
when the time feels right for you.

It’s up to you to break the cycle. Im
so sorry for what you went through as a child. Your husband doing what he did is equally disgusting.

Its up to you to break the cycle.

leave him, forget about other men/ stepdads… become an amazing single mum.

@Beenwhereyouareagain I’m not sure what you mean. OP repeatedly said she didn’t want to be a single mum, because that would mean that her kids witnessed a string of men coming through the house while she got drunk all day. As if this was the inevitable destiny of single mums. As a single mum who doesn’t drink and doesn’t have multiple boyfriends, I found it somewhat offensive.

Do your adult children one more favour - leave him and concentrate on building a happy and fulfilling life for yourself. That will probs ly need counselling and a lot of forgiveness. But it will show your DC how to not just survive, but how to move on from difficulties and take responsibility for a secure and calm future.

Exactly this, tell his family their little angels crown slipped somewhat! I'd hope it choked him
I had a partner i lived with for a few years, he cheated on me,I found videos in his phone he was sending to women all over the country of him wanking himself off in our spare bedroom while I was at work, and in the bedroom on a villa holiday we were on with his family, promising these women the world. I felt physically sick, left him,but made sure his doting parents knew

You must surely know some single parents, OP. Are they all like your mother?

How old are the children? Do you plan to leave when they are adults?

I'm really sorry for everything you are going through, it's shit and you don't deserve it. But I do think women often stay when they really really should leave, for the security, the lack of upheaval, the finances, the different life, all that, and tell themselves it's for the children.

OP I genuinely cannot see how your behaviour in the aftermath of your husband cheating was all that different from the behaviour you witnessed in childhood to be honest. Your children would have gone through trauma in the same way you did. You prioritised your wants over their needs just like your mum and dad did to you. I’d be surprised if they don’t feel the same way towards you that you feel towards your parents. They have spent the last decade(!) witnessing this fallout. And you’re still utterly focused on yourself.

I feel so much sympathy for you op and can see how hard it must have been. You have done the best you could in difficult circumstances but you don't need to be in this situation anymore. You have freedom now, choices, opportunities to change things for yourself. Your kids are grown up, now its time to prioritise yourself.

You have to let go of this, you cannot control and cannot protect anymore. Yes, the people around you have let you down, but you are still in a frantic mode of trying to cover up their mistakes and protect your children. You can step outside that now. You cannot control the behaviour of others, you cannot exhaust yourself trying to fix, manage, repair everything.

I need to ask, what do you want now? You have this intense feeling of disgust towards your husband, which is understandable, but what do you want to do with it?

You are not powerless or a bystander, take control, get help, get out.

you have your reasons for staying and I understand your resentment, you’ve clearly been through a lot because of your husbands actions and the fact that he’s made you the issue rather than be honest to family about why you had a breakdown must be another kick. Would you have preferred people knew the real reason? Would that have changed things?

if you want to stay in this relationship and make it work , I think you have to either accept what’s happened and learn how to move on and how to make it a happier one, or accept that this is how your life is and will likely be bitter for the rest of it.

you are allowed to change your situation and put yourself first. I get that while the children were younger you did what you thought was best for them, but if they’re adults now, you’ve done that and I’m sure they’d much rather see their mother (and father) separated but happier and more content than witness you stay in an unhappy and unhealthy relationship

this sounds absolutely horrible op, and you are clearly very bitter about it, understandably. 💐 However, what are you actually asking? You’ve decided you’re staying, for all the reasons you’ve set out…So, what’s there to discuss?

Your kids will grow up seeing their mum unhappy but staying with their dad, for them apparently. That is not better than a happier mum (who doesn't shag around or sit in Wetherspoons...)?

Some of my best memories are from around the time my mother left her husband. We had next to nothing, but we had a happy mother. Then she got into relationships with many other men and I probably had the same feelings as you. But even at that, it meant I was extremely picky with the type of guy I'd marry. I also have a tremendous amount of self respect, because I saw her go through all that disrespect. I'm happily married for well over a decade and I credit observing her for it TBH!

He did it because he wanted to.
He did it because he could.
Probably knew there would be no consequence too, because you're terrified of becoming your mother.
He hates his mother and likely thinks very little of other women, you included.
He sounds incapable of actual love - for himself and his family.
He came back to prove he's not his parents.
He came back so you wouldn't out him for being the same shitty partner as they were.
He has ruined yours and your children's lives and mental health.

You staying, is contributing to/enabling that.
You've been driven to drink and suicide ideation or attempt?
If you end up dead, do you trust him to look after yourself children?
Will he have a rotating door of women, messing up their lives?
He will cheat again, and you'll sink further into hatred and resentment and ill-health.
Your children will see/experience more toxicity.
Your children will be more likely to repeat the toxicity.
Break the cycle - for yourself and your children.

Oh lovely, I get it and you are being given some advice which seems incredibly harsh and sometimes almost aggressive.
Please don’t take it as criticism, or another way to beat yourself up. That won’t help you and I am pretty sure that most women on here don’t mean to beat you up any further emotionally,
You made a decision to put your children first, which many, many women do constantly. That’s not a small thing. It’s a big thing.
He did a bad thing, the one thing you thought as a twosome, you’d both agreed hated happening when you were kids, the one thing he knew would break your heart, the one thing you had both agreed was not acceptable. It’s selfish and it’s disloyal and it’s mean.
So, kindly, there is no way back. I know you wish there was, but there isn’t. Staying is just making you feel worse.
Good luck