Bf disappeared

[lidofety]

Bf's birthday recently. He asked me not to get him anything. That's fine, I also hate gifts and birthdays.
DC mentioned to him yesterday that they made him a card. He thanked them then said, "I told your mum I didn't want anything." I said I took that to mean gift not card and had already got him one when I spoke about it to him a few days prior.
Fwiw, I didn't ask dc to make card, it was just what they did.

After this conversation he got moody and abruptly said he's tired and going to bed.
I receive a text today saying he's going to be away for a while (not as in on holiday) and won't be responding to my messages and calls won't go through.

I don't know how to feel.

I just sort of said OK but I do feel a bit meh.

Glad you decided to end things, well done!

he's sure I can cope without him

The obvious response to that is surely: “Yes, permanently”.

He expects you to wait around to excitedly welcome him back when he's done sulking / punishing you?

Please don't.

How women allow such life circumstances? At least if you were married you could divorce him

Now he is going to play with you as he wishes

They've split up. Did you miss that part

Do you think he's feeling down about a big milestone birthday, like turning 40, or 50. It's just another day really but sometimes people feel a bit sad about it."
Of course people sometimes feel sad at the passing of years but this is just bullshit behaviour. Completely not acceptable.

Repeating what others have said about telling him not to bother coming back.

Just one other comment. Is he likely to be volatile if you for this. Would you and your children be safe from this clown?

his rude and abrupt response to your child made me immediately think, 'he wants out of this relationship and is looking for an excuse

Surprised no one has said he’s gaslighting and seeing someone else

Good. It's a horrible way to treat someone and it would only get much worse over time. It's totally unacceptable.

They have?

Many have said that! Not so much gaslighting, but he's definitely got someone else, hence the flat refusal for any gifts OR cards.

He's not "shy", he's not "depressed about a milestone birthday" - he has a wife or significant other.

It’s like that song abcde -F U where it goes ‘you said you just needed space so i gave it, when i had nothing to say you couldn’t take it’
and ‘I was into you but i’m over it now’

I won’t quote the whole song and it’s quite brutal, but essentially the premise is that the bf asked for space so she gave it and he didn’t like it when he came back and saw she was no longer into him. Sound advice in this instance 👌

Also, was there any sign he was looking to end the relationship at all? And so using the card thing as an excuse (one of lamest i’ve read in here)

Well done for muting, I would absolutely block when you feel ready to. What an absolute arse, grown adults dont get to just do this, space is okay, but they need to communicate, not just go off leaving you wondering what the hell is going on!

Op I do mean this gently, but your bar is on the literal floor.

"I just feel hurt that his strop takes priority"

I hate to say it but it only takes priority if you allow it. You are handing away all your power to this man who is fully taking you and your kids for granted and not only thinks its acceptable to disappear without trace as the wind blows, but will gaslight you around it. Which is what he's doing when he says he's sure you can cope without him. That's a manipulative technique because either it means you can't challenge him without appearing weak and needy, or you run after him to reassure him. This meets all his needs but zero of yours.

When you say that you worry he would do this if you have kids etc, I think you know the answer to that. Of course he would he's doing it to you and your kids now. The fact you think he wouldn't with his own kids only really shows that he'd treat yours differently and that's not ok.

He's not reliable, he's not accountable for himself, he's not responsible for his emotions. He's outsourcing all of that to you and draining you while manipulating the situation to make sure it's hard for you to complain.

If his mental health is so poor that he needs to ghost out on a partner as and when he feels like, then op he's not ready or fit to be in a serious relationship.

He's showing you exactly who he is and it sounds like you have plans for more than what he will ever be able to provide. So you need to get out now and put yourself and your kids first. The way he's acting towards them is hurtful and you need to find your anger.

I'm sorry op but this relationship is a no goer. Even if he comes back and cries sorry then you'll still always know you can't count on him. A healthy relationship can't function like that.
I'd pack up any things that are at his house, post them to him and block and delete his number and then focus on self care for yourself and your kids. It's a privilege to be in your life op. You owe him nothing.

How dare he respond like that to the lovely, thoughtful effort that your children made in making him a birthday card. What kind of person does this? The answer: a complete prick.

Hopefully this is the last time he treats your children like this, because you'll decide definitively that he won't be seeing you, or them, again.

What a pathetic, selfish person he is.

I know, it’s proper horrible isn’t it! Poor kids!

The only time I’ve been in this situation, it turned out he was cheating and the disappearances were to go cheat (and celebrate his birthday) with the OW.

The reason he didn’t even want a card was because he doesn’t want to take it with him. Do you ever go over to his place?

This happened to me years ago

It was his birthday and I scraped together the last of my money to buy him a Colin cake and candles from m&s as a surprise

You've have thought id thrown acid in his face when he walked in and we lit the candles and (tried) to sing happy birthday to him

He threw a massive tantrum and stormed out (im guessing he went home)

I then got his mother and sister messaging me (with his version of events) telling me i was bang out of order and demanding i pay his bus fare as 'he is so upset and couldn't afford to pay for a wasted journey' (he was on benefits and the bus fare was about £4)

I blocked him and refused to speak to him again (which shocked the hell out of him) and hes still at it with his smear campaign almost 17 years later,telling the world i dumped him on his birthday (but 'forgetting' to mention what he did)

Terrible me-buying a cake and trying to sing 'happy birthday' on someone's special day

(And let's face it,if id done nothing,he would have had a tantrum as 'its my day and you did nothing for me' this was pre-planned from the moment he woke up that morning-he wanted to keep me in my place)

Responding so ungratefully to a home-made birthday card from a child is up there in the top red flags.

Responding so ungratefully to a home-made birthday card from a child is up there in the top red flags.

Please don’t let this child-man treat you like this. He won’t improve and he won’t grow up or grow out of this behaviour. He will get worse.
Give him the push - you and your children deserve better.