Am I wrong for giving in and agreeing to split?

[ralsta]

Am I being silly to have ended things?

for context I’m a mum to 2 young children and I’m self employed so very busy!

I started seeing someone last October and it has been going well. I voiced my concerns about not having much free time and he assured me it was fine I was ‘worth it’

fast forward to the weekend, I was due to go round his on Saturday night but I had a very long day at work, didn’t get home until 7:30pm and by the time I’d have got my things together and drove to his it would have been after 9pm so I said I was staying home. He was really annoyed, said I’d messed him around and hardly spoke to me for the rest of the weekend. I told him I didn’t like how he seemed to have sulked/gone in a mood with me for something so small

he then told me he’s reflected and he wants someone who is more available and has more free time…I feel like he didn’t like me for me and just wanted someone for company

am I wrong for just backing down and saying ‘okay, wish you the best’ etc

Tbh you don’t sound like you were that fussed anyway or you would have gone round regardless of the time. Maybe it’s for the best!

Agree. If you really really like someone and want to be with them you'll take any opportunity you can, tired or not. Not bin them off at the last minute. He probably sees what the future holds.

I feel like he didn’t like me for me and just wanted someone for company

He probably really likes you and is pissed off that you told him last minute that you were too tired to bother with him today. He has recognised maybe, that he likes you more than you like him.

Yes because I’m sure the OP knew she was working until that time and should have let him know much earlier or planned her time better. Illness is unplanned, not a result of poor communication or poor planning.

He kept his evening free and she didn’t seem bothered about his time.

I think some people just don’t think that way (that them being late or cancelling suggests they don’t value the other person) - maybe they have other issues but he is entitled to say that doesn’t work for him.

It might not be childish if this was the sort of thing OP was doing all the time but if this was a one off scenario then I do think it is childish to call things off and not have any understanding of her wanting to just stay home as she was more than likely exhausted.

I disagree. Sometimes a work day drags on longer than you expect or takes it out of you more than usual. As a one-off I don’t really think canceling/rescheduling because you’re wiped is a crime. Certainly not worth dumping in the context of a six-month plus relationship. If she makes a habit of it, sure, but there should be room for a bit of humanity in a relationship.

My BF has a stressful job and sometimes days can be unexpectedly intense. There’s been a handful of times in the last three years when he has gotten home and realised he just needs to crash out and have an early night. That’s fine, and I’m perfectly capable of having a quiet night myself or ringing a friend to see if they want to catch up. I’d rather he gets some rest and sees me the next day when he’s feeling chipper again.

Absolutely. It would also be seen as enough reason to ditch a friend.

Got to love mumsnet.

A man getting annoyed that his girlfriend has stood him up last minute on Saturday night is a man child, passive aggressive, red flag, having a tantrum, not understanding, and sulking. Crazy stuff that he was looking forward to seeing her and got let down without any advance warning. What a shit.

Yes it is. Would you call in sick to work because you were tired? I'm sure a few would actually but the majority of people can push through being tired when they have commitments.

Work is a bit more of a transactional relationship with set expectations in return for financial compensation, no?

Gobsmacked by the number of people who would apparently ditch a relationship or friendship over a late cancellation due to tiredness after a long day.

Seriously? In what world would you end a friendship because your friend rang up at the end of a long day at work and said, “Babes, I’m so sorry but work was a slog and I’m wiped. I know we had plans to hang but I’m not going to be good company. Can we raincheck to tomorrow or next week?”

I might be disappointed or even a bit annoyed but terminating the friendship? WTF. Like, what are you gonna say? “No! Not acceptable! Either come over tonight or never see me again!”

I don’t think you’re that into him. You’re still in the honeymoon phase so should be excited to see him regardless of being tired.
It’s Ok if you’re not but be honest with yourself. Find someone you can’t wait to be with on a Saturday night!

You demonstrated extremely clearly that he was a very low priority for you, so he split up with you. It seems fair enough. We all want to be with someone who values our company.

You sound like one of those irritating ‘oh I’m so so busy’ people. I don’t blame him for dumping you

I didn’t say I would do it. I meant that in the weird world of MN where people are scared of their front doors and go no contact with people for very minor reasons, it would be seen as ample reason to ditch a friend.

Bruised ego much?! I suspect this isn’t the first time the OP has been too busy to see him.

And anyway, how do you carry on a relationship with someone that has dumped you, unless you do some kind of creepy stalking behaviour?

To me, it's not the cancellation as such, it's leaving the cancellation to the last minute and not seeming particularly apologetic about it from the way it's described in the op.

It's OK to cancel but she must have known her workday was overrunning and since she's self-employed its not like the boss would fire her for taking a minute out to text him.

She just looks flaky and rude.

Sounds like dating this guy would add a lot of extra stress and tiredness to your life. Presumably you work to support your 2 kids and yourself - are you prepared to give up your rest time to date someone like that?

I think he did you a favour and if you get back together, i foresee you snapping at some point when you can’t keep up with his expectations. I’ve been there and it’s not great.

You need someone who understands where you are in life and your priorities. Out of interest, does he have kids?

To be fair to him, you were his weekend plan and you blew him off at the last minute. However, the way he should have reacted is to calmly explain that a last minute cancellation on a Saturday night is hurtful, and that he and turned down friends etx to wait in for you.
The way he has acted is his choice, regardless of whether he found your behaviour out of order. If he acts like that when he feels you've annoyed him, I'd just say "cheerio" if that's how he feels. I wouldn't want to be with someone who can't manage their disappointment or annoyance at me without a weekend long strop and then breaking up with me - it's immature and shows a lack of emotional regulation.

A weekend-long strop? She dtiched him on Saturday night.. so.. a Sunday "sulk" that turned out was actually him reflecting and deciding this wasn't working for him.

So from the sounds of this you text him at gone 7.30pm when you got home, when you were due at his that evening? Yeah I’d be annoyed too - it’s a bank holiday so even more so, that’s hardly respectful of someone’s time. If my husband had done this when we were dating I’d have been livid, not least because it would have been my childfree weekend when the kids go to their Dads.

I run a business and have three children. When I started dating my now husband, I tried my best and made the effort even when I was tired (he was always understanding of this and we’d often get a takeaway and watch a film), because he made the same effort in getting to know me and later on, my children. If you’re serious about someone, you make the effort, so clearly you weren’t that serious - but if you cancel so last minute continuously this will become a pattern.

OP essentially cancelled a date at short notice. Absolutely get you are tired/knackered after a long day. Not your fault. But you must see that it was rude. Shoe on the other foot and all. Imagine you were going out - got ready, make-up on, nice outfit etc, then your date cancelled..I think you would be annoyed.

He have probably spent his Saturday preparing for your visit, tidying up the house, doing some shopping, maybe preparing something to eat. He probably gave up on other plans etc. You canceled last minute without any notice (why didn't you warn him you were running late at work instead of waiting until you got home and texting him when he was already expecting you to be at his place?). You then proceeded to invalidate his feelings and excusing your actions as "something small" instead of being apologetic. And how do you know he was " sulking "? Were you with him over the weekend? Because if he was contemplating ending the relationship it's quite normal not to text every 5 minutes.

For me personally it wouldn't be about you not being able to make it but about your whole attitude and how you went about it. And I suspect it's not the first time he felt like an afterthought that's why he ended the relationship.

How do you make out that she’s doing all the running around by one date night ? I’ve not heard her say she always goes to his.

If you were really into him, you'd have made the effort. What do women always say about men? 'If they wanted to, they would'

When you plan something with someone, and therefore take their time (he couldn't plan anything else as he had plans with her) then you stick to those plans. It's just basic common courtesy for anyone, nevermind someone you're meant to be in a relationship with! She shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place. Being ill is an excuse but being tired? What working mum of 2 isn't tired!?

At the end of the day, he's realised that he isn't a priority to her so he's ended things.
OP wants someone that's happy to just sit on the sidelines until she wants them.