Am I wrong for giving in and agreeing to split?

[ralsta]

Am I being silly to have ended things?

for context I’m a mum to 2 young children and I’m self employed so very busy!

I started seeing someone last October and it has been going well. I voiced my concerns about not having much free time and he assured me it was fine I was ‘worth it’

fast forward to the weekend, I was due to go round his on Saturday night but I had a very long day at work, didn’t get home until 7:30pm and by the time I’d have got my things together and drove to his it would have been after 9pm so I said I was staying home. He was really annoyed, said I’d messed him around and hardly spoke to me for the rest of the weekend. I told him I didn’t like how he seemed to have sulked/gone in a mood with me for something so small

he then told me he’s reflected and he wants someone who is more available and has more free time…I feel like he didn’t like me for me and just wanted someone for company

am I wrong for just backing down and saying ‘okay, wish you the best’ etc

he spent a day sulking; passive aggression is a red flag in my experience.

I could have forgiven someone for being exhausted and would hope someone could forgive me, and be reasonable about it.

Better pff without him

You can't compel him to stay with you, so you've done the right thing in accepting he no longer wants to be in the relationship.

If he wanted to see you that badly he could have travelled to your house surely?
But he wanted you to travel to him after you’ve had a really long day and were tired.
Honestly you’ve dodged a bullet!

Nope, I’m not someone who drags themself out exhausted on dates, as I’ve said all along the problem was not communicating it in a decent amount of time. And contrary to what you say, clearly you can predict it in advance if you know you’re that kind of person as stated. So you shouldn’t make dates on nights where you’re working a long day. Know thyself!

Sorry op. He lied. Saïd that it was worth seeing you despite you having other responsibilities, but it turns out that he wasn’t prepared to be very understanding in reality. He may have gone to lots of trouble on your behalf so it would have been better had you not cancelled on the day but there we are. Best to call it a day probably.

He thought he was going to get a shag on Saturday evening, and he didn't get one. That's why he got pissed off.

Maybe he would have if she'd given him notice or opportunity.

I don't know about you, but if someone told me just before they were supposed to be coming over that they were exhausted and weren't coming, I wouldn't immediately jump in the car to see them. I'd think they were too tired to see me.

This is a very oddly worded post. From your own telling of it - you didn't end things, he did. You didn't 'give in', you had no choice in the matter.

For what it is worth, bailing on your partner in the last minute because you wanted a night in, is selfish, rude and inconsiderate. It is fine to be tired - and you obviously have a lot on your plate. But, it doesn't sound like you have the bandwidth/time for a relationship. And, he was right to call it off.

i said that because the arsy way you respond about him sulking and ‘can’t he entertain himself?’ really doesn’t make you sound like the chill kind of person who’d be fine about being stood up last minute. Unless it’s only exhausted single mums who get infinite understanding and guys who get short shrift.

Agree with others who say cancelling at last minute is rude but thinking about it, that would have probably happened with young dc anyway at some point, so probably best to deal with it now and split earlier.

It sounds like the right thing to separate to be honest. As a mum of young kids and self employed, the last thing you need is added pressure to be available for them when your cup is clearly empty. I think he was justifiably upset, but what you did was not relationship-ending, especially as he'd said the free time issue was fine. and if you cancelling one evening due to being exhausted makes him run, I wouldn't count on him sticking around through much really. Different if it's a pattern and you let him down a lot, but as a one off I think he was looking for an excuse to break up unfortunately - he'd already said it wasn't a problem.

I think the reality of dating a busy mum with two young children hit home. You will always have other priorities. He thought he was okay with that and now knows he isn't.

She could have let him know earlier in the day, however busy she is.

It takes a minute to text that it looks like it's going to be a long day and she's probably going to have to call it off.

Letting him know last minute was rude and shows what an afterthought he was.

You stood him up last minute so he dumped you. I'm not sure you have much choice here.

What do you mean were you wrong for backing down? If someone tells you they don’t want to be with you are you going to force them to stay in a relationship with you? You need to respect t his decision which I don’t think is unreasonable. I by would you even want to be with someone if they say they don’t want to be with you?

Well, what's the alternative? Beg him to take you back? Show up outside his house and blast Westlife at his windows? Hire a skywriter to put "I'm sorry!" over his street?

He was ready to try the kind of relationship where he only sees you on the odd day here and there but when you're not seeing much of each other and then cancelling some of that time at short notice, there doesn't seem any point. If you were really into him, you'd have wanted to see him even if you were tired.

Flakiness is a red flag for me so I would have done the same.

Agree. If it was reversed and a woman had made plans to see someone on Saturday night and they waited until 7.30 to cancel, everyone would be up in arms, shouting ‘throw this one back‘.

I agree.
OP let him down at the last minute. He was upset and decided it wasn’t for him. Which is fair enough - he wants someone with more time..

Somebody here has got him pinned as a ‘selfish dick’. I don’t see how that can be inferred from this at all.

If he didn't like you for you then it's good he called it. Sounds like he was disappointed and wants someone whose got more free time than you can offer so surely it's right for it to end.

Tbh you don’t sound like you were that fussed anyway or you would have gone round regardless of the time. Maybe it’s for the best!

Realistically, what else can you do except agree to split if someone doesn’t want to be with you any more? You can’t force them to stay with you. So yes, you did the right thing, because you did the only thing you could do.

You have 2 kids and a busy job.

That takes precedence over a man child having a childish fit.

My kids always come first. So does my job, paying for it all.

I don't think you had a say in the split, you can't be what he wants in a partner and I think his reasons for ending it were fair, quite respectful actually in the circumstances. It read to me like you finished work 7.30pm the evening you were supposed to see him and cancelled last minute because you were tired. I think it would be normal for someone to be upset with that behaviour.
How often did you see him? Cancelling once if you'd already seen him a couple of times that week wouldn't be so bad, but if it had been a week+ it's totally understandable that someone would decide the relationship isn't for them. What's the point in closing off options to everyone else for someone just giving you a few hours a month when it suits them.

Poor to cancel so late, you must have known how day was going so should have given more notice so he could have made other plans.

I think saying ok wish the best is good idea but I dont see it as backing down or you ending things.