Page 9 | Have you ever dated someone who keeps their inner world totally off-limits?

ForCosyLion · 2026-05-04T03:07:18+00:00

So, this is a bit of a weird one. Been dating a guy for about eight months. It's long-distance. We meet up about once a month. We text and talk all the time. The relationships is full of humour and laughter. He's funny, he makes me laugh, I make him laugh, and seems really into me. He even says he loves me. But. As lovely as he is, I can't deny that I find him a bit emotionally shallow. I don't know if he really IS just a surface-level person and there's just not that much under the bonnet, or if it's a calculated strategy in order not to get that close. I'm the kind of person who connects with others as a deep level (if they want that too) and I find long, deep conversations to be very satisfying. I've always had hours-long conversations with my female friends where we've talked about everything under the sun. The reason this has come up now is because his elderly father died a few days ago, and when I ask if he's OK, all he says is "I'm good" and such. The death was not a shock. But still. I really like him, but I'm feeling starved of a deep connection. Has anyone else known someone who simply will not let you into their inner world and doesn't ask about yours? With him, I don't even know if he HAS an inner world. Maybe he's just very straightforward. I don't think I've ever had such a surface-level relationship with anyone that I'm otherwise close to. I actually didn't know it was possible to have such a laugh with someone, sleep with them, talk to them all the time, and not get into anything beyond surface-level emotion. If he doesn't want to share, that's fine. I can't make him, and it may be that he's just not that one for me. I wondered if anyone had experienced a relationship like this? Do some people simply not HAVE an inner world?!

cloudtreecarpet · 04/05/2026 12:01

Pricelessadvice · 04/05/2026 11:47

Sort of connected but I was having a conversation with someone yesterday about funerals and they said that everyone needs funerals to help them come to terms with their grief and say goodbye.
She was utterly horrified when I told her that I don’t see the point of them because , for me, once the person has died, that’s already the closure I need. They’ve died. I find funerals a waste of time and money and they just prolong people from moving on.
Thats generally my feeling about everything- I don’t have deep, emotional stuff going on, I just deal with everything very quickly and move on. There’s no lingering after-effects from anything. I’ve been the same since I was a child.
When people have tried to get me to open up, they are usually pretty dumbstruck to find there’s nothing to open up. My brain works a bit like a computer I suppose- sorts stuff out, categorises it, moves on. Job done.
I really have little tolerance for emotional people and I imagine emotional people have little tolerance for me 😅

What a genuinely interesting post.

I am assuming you have lost people yourself and been through difficult life experiences to know this about yourself.

Are you in a relationship and, if so, how does that work? Is your partner similar if you have one?

CypressGrove · 04/05/2026 12:04

bumptybum · 04/05/2026 11:48

Wow. This that is so odd to me. 8 months is getting into serious long term territory and if there was no deep conversation happening I would be wondering what the point was

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Ha - you must be younger than me - 8 months feels like a heartbeat these days. But it was more the 8 months and seeing each other around once a month combined.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/05/2026 12:09

ForCosyLion · 04/05/2026 05:14

🤣 The friend I used to have the best convos died 12 years ago, so I'm having trouble remembering.

Once, we were on a long drive late at night, and we must have mentioned how quickly the evening had flown. She goes, "You know, I don't trust time." I looked at her curiously and said, "That's interesting. What do you mean?" Kept us going for 70 miles, that one did. And only stopped because it became close to 1 am and she was dropping me home. I think we talked about how fucking weird it is that time seems to behave differently in different situations and we felt like it might not be entirely honest. With quantum physics, turns out we might have been on to something.

One time we spent hours talking about work, how our offices work, and our feelings about our jobs and various people we worked with.

Often, we'd talk about our relationships and how crap they had made us feel.

We'd talk for hours at the pub, and then when we pulled up outside mine or hers house, depending on who was driving, we'd talk for another hour!

P.S. We would also talk a lot about how our families made us feel, if they had upset us. And we talked about our dreams and desires for the future - i.e. about getting married, whether to have babies or not. Etc.

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That's the kind of stuff you do when you're a student gazing up at the stars from a golf course in between tokes. DP and his mate reckoned they'd worked out a way to get around Asimov's Laws of Robotics that way. Unfortunately, by the time they had woken up the following afternoon, the genius idea had had been lost like C-beams glittering in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate.

What do you want from him - sobbing, angry, raging at the death that could not be avoided and may have been a release for the man? To dig into the deepest traumas of his life so that you feel special and needed? For him to show you an anger at the world that you never thought possible?

The joys of a calm, happy, non histrionic relationship are that there are no underlying currents. OK, it's not quite as exciting, you don't get an adrenaline rush of fear or the dopamine rush of emotions from somebody revealing something that just happens to be unprovable, but it's a lot healthier when you are enjoying time instead of lurching from one addictive rush to another.

Effervescentfrothy · 04/05/2026 12:24

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/05/2026 12:09

That's the kind of stuff you do when you're a student gazing up at the stars from a golf course in between tokes. DP and his mate reckoned they'd worked out a way to get around Asimov's Laws of Robotics that way. Unfortunately, by the time they had woken up the following afternoon, the genius idea had had been lost like C-beams glittering in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate.

What do you want from him - sobbing, angry, raging at the death that could not be avoided and may have been a release for the man? To dig into the deepest traumas of his life so that you feel special and needed? For him to show you an anger at the world that you never thought possible?

The joys of a calm, happy, non histrionic relationship are that there are no underlying currents. OK, it's not quite as exciting, you don't get an adrenaline rush of fear or the dopamine rush of emotions from somebody revealing something that just happens to be unprovable, but it's a lot healthier when you are enjoying time instead of lurching from one addictive rush to another.

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Yes but also it’s incredibly boring to just talk about mundane topics. It doesn’t suggest there is much intelligence there.

OriginalUsername2 · 04/05/2026 12:51

ForCosyLion · 04/05/2026 04:30

Hm. I don't, I have to say. I feel like, it's normal that if you can share body fluids, you should be sharing thoughts deeper than "I'm watching the football tonight, can't wait!" Even with his dad having just died, there's really no emotion.

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I agree. When me and DP first got together we would be talking or texting until the early hours until the point where we were like “okay we really need to get some sleep now!” But we wished we could carry on.

cloudtreecarpet · 04/05/2026 13:01

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/05/2026 12:09

That's the kind of stuff you do when you're a student gazing up at the stars from a golf course in between tokes. DP and his mate reckoned they'd worked out a way to get around Asimov's Laws of Robotics that way. Unfortunately, by the time they had woken up the following afternoon, the genius idea had had been lost like C-beams glittering in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate.

What do you want from him - sobbing, angry, raging at the death that could not be avoided and may have been a release for the man? To dig into the deepest traumas of his life so that you feel special and needed? For him to show you an anger at the world that you never thought possible?

The joys of a calm, happy, non histrionic relationship are that there are no underlying currents. OK, it's not quite as exciting, you don't get an adrenaline rush of fear or the dopamine rush of emotions from somebody revealing something that just happens to be unprovable, but it's a lot healthier when you are enjoying time instead of lurching from one addictive rush to another.

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But the OP likes those kind of conversations & wants to have them with her partner.
Plus surely it's more that he seems closed off to her and doesn't even ask how she is as well as not opening up about his own feelings.

It's not about "histrionics", it's about feeling connected & like you really know a person. The OP clearly wants this sort of connection & values it but doesn't appear to be getting it from this man.

Pricelessadvice · 04/05/2026 13:01

cloudtreecarpet · 04/05/2026 12:01

What a genuinely interesting post.

I am assuming you have lost people yourself and been through difficult life experiences to know this about yourself.

Are you in a relationship and, if so, how does that work? Is your partner similar if you have one?

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Yes I have lost people close and had quite difficult circumstances as a young teen/teen as I had a childhood illness so many years were spent in and out of hospital, missing school, missing out on friends and activities etc. This has probably given me a no-nonsense approach to things because I have been to hell and back at a time of life that no child should have to (or indeed any person of any age).

I do have a diagnosis of Asperger’s, this may or may not be relevant. I don’t have a great history of relationships because I just don’t feel the need for a partner. I’ve tried it but I find it smothering and they tend to get frustrated by my desire for independence. I’m not the sort of person you can cuddle up on the sofa with, I don’t want date nights, I don’t like another human in my bed, I don’t want to hold hands or spend my free time with another person. I have lots of friends, but I’m probably at my happiest pottering about on my own
People no doubt find that a bit strange, but I’m actually a sociable, happy person and I enjoy the life I have built, it’s just that I can only cope with other humans in small doses and when I’m in the mood for them.

My father is similar in many ways, so I think it might have come from him. He’s very no-nonsense, non-emotional, finds a lot of other people’s emotions and behaviours perplexing.

Feis123 · 04/05/2026 13:02

ForCosyLion · 04/05/2026 07:25

We haven't always been long-distance, and when we do see each other, it's for a stretch of time, not just one date. He calls me several times a week and texts me multiple times daily, wants to help me do up my home (I won't let him) and tries to don various jobs for me, although I usually manage to stop him. He also declared his love for me a while ago, and a few days later asked me if it had changed things for me, as he was wondering. And he says he loves me about every other week. So I don't think I fit into the rando category....or maybe I actually DO, and all that is about keeping his access to the hot sex we have.

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Apologies, I thought you only met him 8 times in your life, apologies.

pigmygoatsinjumpers · 04/05/2026 13:14

CheeryOP · 04/05/2026 10:42

I know what you mean, those honest and vulnerable conversations let you become much closer with each other as a couple. I'd be concerned that he isn't being entirely open with you, this could just be because he hasn't relaxed enough yet in the relationship to open up, but there's also the risk that he's hiding something or pretending to be something he isn't. The side you see could just be bravado/the way he thinks he needs to behave to impress you. Hopefully as you spend more time together he'll eventually open up, I wouldn't rush into any serious commitment like marriage or buying a property together or having children until this happens.

OP is in her 50s. The man she is seeing is in his 60s.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/05/2026 14:20

Effervescentfrothy · 04/05/2026 12:24

Yes but also it’s incredibly boring to just talk about mundane topics. It doesn’t suggest there is much intelligence there.

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I'm not performing when I'm with DP. And it's a lot more useful for him to say that we're running low on fat balls than it is to share what exactly it is he prefers about Johnson compared to Shakespeare when I already prefer Chaucer - or for him to hear my thoughts on Luis de Victoria compared to Byrd when he prefers the Ramones.

In any case, pondering upon Life, the Universe and Everything just gets us wittering on about Douglas Adams and leapfrogging over to Python before being redirected to Brooks.

pollyglot · 04/05/2026 16:07

My ex was a kind man, but very closed, hidden corners, with all the conversational skills of a unicellular organism. Met DH at the age of 50. We've never stopped talking since. Sometimes, all night, realising how the night had passed when the sky began to lighten. He would read to me in bed, usually Rudyard Kipling's 'Plain Tales from the Hills', (we both adore Kipling), snuggle me asleep with a Welsh lullaby ...after mind-blowing sex...and we haven't run out of topics to discuss in 27 years. He wrote me really beautiful and meaningful poetry, we talked of history, politics, literature, travel, philosophy, theology, metaphysics, our deepest emotions and fears. I understand completely, OP, what you mean. Life with my DH is like sitting down to a table laden with a wonderful feast where the dishes are continually replaced and one is never too full to eat.

GoldMoon · 04/05/2026 16:35

pollyglot · 04/05/2026 16:07

My ex was a kind man, but very closed, hidden corners, with all the conversational skills of a unicellular organism. Met DH at the age of 50. We've never stopped talking since. Sometimes, all night, realising how the night had passed when the sky began to lighten. He would read to me in bed, usually Rudyard Kipling's 'Plain Tales from the Hills', (we both adore Kipling), snuggle me asleep with a Welsh lullaby ...after mind-blowing sex...and we haven't run out of topics to discuss in 27 years. He wrote me really beautiful and meaningful poetry, we talked of history, politics, literature, travel, philosophy, theology, metaphysics, our deepest emotions and fears. I understand completely, OP, what you mean. Life with my DH is like sitting down to a table laden with a wonderful feast where the dishes are continually replaced and one is never too full to eat.

Jealous 💕

Effervescentfrothy · 04/05/2026 16:41

pollyglot · 04/05/2026 16:07

My ex was a kind man, but very closed, hidden corners, with all the conversational skills of a unicellular organism. Met DH at the age of 50. We've never stopped talking since. Sometimes, all night, realising how the night had passed when the sky began to lighten. He would read to me in bed, usually Rudyard Kipling's 'Plain Tales from the Hills', (we both adore Kipling), snuggle me asleep with a Welsh lullaby ...after mind-blowing sex...and we haven't run out of topics to discuss in 27 years. He wrote me really beautiful and meaningful poetry, we talked of history, politics, literature, travel, philosophy, theology, metaphysics, our deepest emotions and fears. I understand completely, OP, what you mean. Life with my DH is like sitting down to a table laden with a wonderful feast where the dishes are continually replaced and one is never too full to eat.

How absolutely wonderful .

GingerPubes · 04/05/2026 16:46

pollyglot · 04/05/2026 16:07

My ex was a kind man, but very closed, hidden corners, with all the conversational skills of a unicellular organism. Met DH at the age of 50. We've never stopped talking since. Sometimes, all night, realising how the night had passed when the sky began to lighten. He would read to me in bed, usually Rudyard Kipling's 'Plain Tales from the Hills', (we both adore Kipling), snuggle me asleep with a Welsh lullaby ...after mind-blowing sex...and we haven't run out of topics to discuss in 27 years. He wrote me really beautiful and meaningful poetry, we talked of history, politics, literature, travel, philosophy, theology, metaphysics, our deepest emotions and fears. I understand completely, OP, what you mean. Life with my DH is like sitting down to a table laden with a wonderful feast where the dishes are continually replaced and one is never too full to eat.

Blimey!

ThePM · 04/05/2026 17:18

SixtySomething · 04/05/2026 11:19

I think he does have emotions, possibly deep ones, but he keeps them in the background and doesn't pay them any attention himself. He's almost unaware of them. So it's not like he's keeping anything from you. They just happen and he hardly is aware he has them. It's how he's wired up. It doesn't mean he's shallow at all. He just doesn't give them the time of day. It's partly male social conditioning. He won't change.
Doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.
He may be the kind of man who can't say 'I love you' but will drive for miles to pick you up from the airport etcetera.

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I think he does have emotions, possibly deep ones, but he keeps them in the background and doesn't pay them any attention himself.
What has the OP said that leads you to think that he has emotions, and why would not paying any attention to emotions be something admirable in a life partner.

It doesn't mean he's shallow at all.
For me this would actually be the very definition of shallow - no emotions discernible even to himself, existing moment to moment purely physically. He doesn’t experience anything beyond sensations and has neither the interest nor the capability of going beyond that. That’s a poor quality life.

Original poster

ForCosyLion · 04/05/2026 17:18

pollyglot · 04/05/2026 16:07

My ex was a kind man, but very closed, hidden corners, with all the conversational skills of a unicellular organism. Met DH at the age of 50. We've never stopped talking since. Sometimes, all night, realising how the night had passed when the sky began to lighten. He would read to me in bed, usually Rudyard Kipling's 'Plain Tales from the Hills', (we both adore Kipling), snuggle me asleep with a Welsh lullaby ...after mind-blowing sex...and we haven't run out of topics to discuss in 27 years. He wrote me really beautiful and meaningful poetry, we talked of history, politics, literature, travel, philosophy, theology, metaphysics, our deepest emotions and fears. I understand completely, OP, what you mean. Life with my DH is like sitting down to a table laden with a wonderful feast where the dishes are continually replaced and one is never too full to eat.

THIS! This is what I want!

OP posts:

Effervescentfrothy · 04/05/2026 17:18

ForCosyLion · 04/05/2026 17:18

THIS! This is what I want!

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I think it’s what we all want!

Original poster

ForCosyLion · 04/05/2026 17:24

Am at work and having a busy day, so just popping in.

When I say deep convos, I don't mean it all has to be about personal feelings. It just has to be about more than surface-level. It could be about any topic of interest. But all he seems to do is work, watch sports, and do chores/errands/DIY. He's very good at getting stuff done. He doesn't want to discuss current affairs, watch documentaries on subjects of general interest, talk about things. Like, if there's an interesting thing in the news. For example, when Peter Sutcliffe died, I watched a programme about his crimes as I didn't know much about it. I found it all pretty interesting. Why would someone do that stuff? Why did the police take so long to catch him? What did that say about the attitudes of the time? But no discussion whatsoever.

He doesn't read, whereas I'm a bookworm.

Why do we always have the best chemistry with those we don't have much in common with!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

ForCosyLion · 04/05/2026 17:25

I suppose, like many on here have also expressed, it comes down to a lack of conversation in my relationship.

OP posts:

Original poster

ForCosyLion · 04/05/2026 17:27

Effervescentfrothy · 04/05/2026 17:18

I think it’s what we all want!

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Haha, not according to some PP! They say it's their worst nightmare!

OP posts:

Original poster

ForCosyLion · 04/05/2026 17:28

pollyglot · 04/05/2026 16:07

My ex was a kind man, but very closed, hidden corners, with all the conversational skills of a unicellular organism. Met DH at the age of 50. We've never stopped talking since. Sometimes, all night, realising how the night had passed when the sky began to lighten. He would read to me in bed, usually Rudyard Kipling's 'Plain Tales from the Hills', (we both adore Kipling), snuggle me asleep with a Welsh lullaby ...after mind-blowing sex...and we haven't run out of topics to discuss in 27 years. He wrote me really beautiful and meaningful poetry, we talked of history, politics, literature, travel, philosophy, theology, metaphysics, our deepest emotions and fears. I understand completely, OP, what you mean. Life with my DH is like sitting down to a table laden with a wonderful feast where the dishes are continually replaced and one is never too full to eat.

I honestly think this is the most beautiful thing I have ever read on Mn.

OP posts:

Original poster

ForCosyLion · 04/05/2026 17:28

OK, must get back to work. More later.

OP posts:

ThePM · 04/05/2026 17:29

NeverDropYourMooncup · 04/05/2026 12:09

That's the kind of stuff you do when you're a student gazing up at the stars from a golf course in between tokes. DP and his mate reckoned they'd worked out a way to get around Asimov's Laws of Robotics that way. Unfortunately, by the time they had woken up the following afternoon, the genius idea had had been lost like C-beams glittering in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate.

What do you want from him - sobbing, angry, raging at the death that could not be avoided and may have been a release for the man? To dig into the deepest traumas of his life so that you feel special and needed? For him to show you an anger at the world that you never thought possible?

The joys of a calm, happy, non histrionic relationship are that there are no underlying currents. OK, it's not quite as exciting, you don't get an adrenaline rush of fear or the dopamine rush of emotions from somebody revealing something that just happens to be unprovable, but it's a lot healthier when you are enjoying time instead of lurching from one addictive rush to another.

Show quote history

I disagree, how does it feel to be sent a link to a painting and “this is how I feel about you” or even “I was imagining that we were X and Y from a film”, or “Rhubarbs in season- I wish you had got to know my grandmother- do you know she…”.

Calm, happy and non-histrionic in no way precludes depth, honesty, emotion or surprise.

LegoLivingRoom · 04/05/2026 17:54

Effervescentfrothy · 04/05/2026 17:18

I think it’s what we all want!

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I once had a date who read me poetry. I dumped him asap, and this was as a teenager when I had more romantic sensibilities than I do now.

pikkumyy77 · 04/05/2026 17:55

pollyglot · 04/05/2026 16:07

My ex was a kind man, but very closed, hidden corners, with all the conversational skills of a unicellular organism. Met DH at the age of 50. We've never stopped talking since. Sometimes, all night, realising how the night had passed when the sky began to lighten. He would read to me in bed, usually Rudyard Kipling's 'Plain Tales from the Hills', (we both adore Kipling), snuggle me asleep with a Welsh lullaby ...after mind-blowing sex...and we haven't run out of topics to discuss in 27 years. He wrote me really beautiful and meaningful poetry, we talked of history, politics, literature, travel, philosophy, theology, metaphysics, our deepest emotions and fears. I understand completely, OP, what you mean. Life with my DH is like sitting down to a table laden with a wonderful feast where the dishes are continually replaced and one is never too full to eat.

Yes this is my experience too. Obviously its horses for courses but OP shouldn’t settle if what she likes is someone more passionate and interesting.