Have you ever dated someone who keeps their inner world totally off-limits?

[ForCosyLion]

So, this is a bit of a weird one. Been dating a guy for about eight months. It's long-distance. We meet up about once a month. We text and talk all the time. The relationships is full of humour and laughter. He's funny, he makes me laugh, I make him laugh, and seems really into me. He even says he loves me.

But. As lovely as he is, I can't deny that I find him a bit emotionally shallow. I don't know if he really IS just a surface-level person and there's just not that much under the bonnet, or if it's a calculated strategy in order not to get that close.

I'm the kind of person who connects with others as a deep level (if they want that too) and I find long, deep conversations to be very satisfying. I've always had hours-long conversations with my female friends where we've talked about everything under the sun.

The reason this has come up now is because his elderly father died a few days ago, and when I ask if he's OK, all he says is "I'm good" and such. The death was not a shock. But still.

I really like him, but I'm feeling starved of a deep connection.

Has anyone else known someone who simply will not let you into their inner world and doesn't ask about yours? With him, I don't even know if he HAS an inner world. Maybe he's just very straightforward. I don't think I've ever had such a surface-level relationship with anyone that I'm otherwise close to. I actually didn't know it was possible to have such a laugh with someone, sleep with them, talk to them all the time, and not get into anything beyond surface-level emotion.

If he doesn't want to share, that's fine. I can't make him, and it may be that he's just not that one for me.

I wondered if anyone had experienced a relationship like this? Do some people simply not HAVE an inner world?!

Yeah, it's about the match being right isn't it rather than one way being right and the other "shallow".

You've just got to find the person who matches you well.

I.m very shallow too. Hate and am bored by deep down long conversations about feeling too. I once shared with a German girl , who always wanted to go into every little detail and explanation about everything - so I've thought it was a German characteristic since. I have no desire to discuss my deepest feeling if I have any and don't want the revelation of those of other people either.

For someone who you have met 8 times, sounds normal

Giving him the benefit of the doubt that he does actually have complex internal thoughts and feelings (most people do), it sounds like he hasn’t ever learned how to articulate them, or been given an opportunity to learn that people might be interested in hearing them.

Conversely, some men don’t ask others how they feel not from a lack of interest but because they feel it would be an invasive question, and that if it’s important the other person will volunteer it (not realising that sometimes the asking of the question serves as permission to talk about something that might otherwise feel like a burden to bring up - emotions etc).

Assuming the above and that he’s not just totally self centred, I think the best thing you could do would be to have a very frank conversation about it. Not an accusatory one, but one where you find out why he never asks you how you’re feeling, and explain that you’d appreciate it, then see if he’d be willing to. It doesn’t sound like it’s from a lack of interest in your emotional wellbeing, given how supportive you say he’s been in terms of being present, but it might be that being present has been the example he’s had of what showing love is, rather than talking. In that case, explaining that being asked how you feel and listened to with sympathy makes you feel cared for might help.

Vice versa for sharing his emotional state. It may be that he feels deeply but is unable to articulate those feelings. I’d interpret him saying that he’s fine following his dad’s death as him feeling very sad, but coping. As others have said maybe the thing to do is to ask more specific questions (is there anything that’s particularly difficult at the moment that I could help with?) or talk about your own experiences of grief as examples, or offer examples of things people did for you that really helped you get through it.

Your friendship where you talked about everything under the sun sounds wonderful. You’re unlikely to ever get something so free flowing with him, but since he’s a scientist perhaps he’d be interested in topics like the discussion of time on a technical level that could cross over into philosophical sometimes?

In the end there’s nothing wrong with wanting a deeper, easier emotional connection. There are some relationships where it’s just much harder work, and that’s tiring. Enjoy the good while it’s good, but don’t feel guilty if it’s not enough for you!

People have different love languages. Yours involves deep conversations, his involves being consistently in touch, showing up, being warm, being there for you. It may not be enough for you though, and that's a decision only you can make. We can't get everything from one person, that's why we need friends as well as partners.

Well the conversation wasn't going anywhere he thought they were sex workers and you didn't, you pretty much have to agree to differ and move on or get into a pointless row about it.

Without generalizing too much, the penny has finally dropped with me that men and women really are ' wired '/ conditioned differently. If I am honest I don't think I would have had any of the men who I have been in relationships with as friends in their own right. I am not talking about abusive relationships , most of these men have been caring, funny and would do anything for me, but as far as a deep connection is concerned forget it! Maybe it is a difference of perception of closeness. My DH definitely feels stress but getting him to talk about it is like getting blood out of a stone. I spent years assuming that my husband was staring into the middle distance having profound thoughts about life , the universe and particularly our relationship, when if gently questioned by me in an attempt to gain precious insight into his innermost thoughts and feelings and hoping he would share them with me, only to be told he was trying to work out the best way of loosening a corroded bolt on his car wheel or how aeroplanes manage to stay in the sky! So, my expectations have changed, in order not to feel resentful that we don't connect like I would like to I save these conversations for friends and appreciate all my DH good points instead. Although with the death of his Dad your partner may well be going through all kinds of emotions wether he was close to his Dad or not, he may not really be able/ ready to articulate this for now or even at all.

I don't think it's unusual to be a little guarded in the short amount of time you've been together. Especially if he's been hurt before, he may want to keep his cards close to his chest to see where this is going. I didn't have deep meaningful, conversations in the early days with my husband, we were too busy working out the quickest way to get each others clothes off and how to sleep together in a single bed. Even now most conversations revolve around what we are doing, what's on tv and what's for dinner. We only really need deep convos if one of us is having an emotional problem, like when i had depression or when he was having a really tough time at work and needed someone to vent to. Everyone has an inner world and maybe he's not ready to let you in just yet. Men do often take a bit longer to open up. Don't push him, he'll let you know when he is ready. Don't expect every conversation to be deep and meaningful. That's not normal.

Is it possible that you feel he's keeping you at arms length because he won't have deep conversations, but he feels like you are keeping him at arms length by not letting him help with practical things? Is this a love language issue?

The point is it’s actually a subject that has many layers. So you’re saying what’s the point in ever discussing anything as a discussion assumes there might be different opinions, so let’s just leave it at that. So in your world nothing merits a conversation unless you both agree, and then is there any point in that either?

I like interesting conversation with a man, politics, art, history. I'm not sure what you mean by deep, does it have to talking about your emotions? I don't do very much of that myself. I mean, I would talk a little about how I feel but irregularly and for short periods. I'd find too much navel gazing a real turn off. Maybe he's a bit like this?

The reason this has come up now is because his elderly father died a few days ago, and when I ask if he's OK, all he says is "I'm good" and such. The death was not a shock. But still.
Your questions was shit. Of course he isnt ok. His dad just died.

I really like him, but I'm feeling starved of a deep connection.
then you are not compatible.

But if it was expected, he has probably come to terms with it.

When my husbands mother and father died, he was relieved that they had stopped suffering.

That doesn't make him shallow.

I was the same when my father died.

If the parent is elderly then it is expected.

I like interesting conversations too, but I’m not into talking about emotional feelings as such. I’ll talk about books, films, countries, cultures, music etc but I’m not into naval gazing and analysing ‘feelings’. If I ask someone how they are (even if they are bereaved) and they say fine then I’ll just leave it to them to expand on it if they want to.

I knew he was going to be a scientist - I don’t think it’s so much that he’s superficial but that he’s probably more focused on fact, logic, the material world, less in touch emotions or inner thought processes.

I've been married 28 years and we very rarely share deep thoughts. I'm not sure that my husband actually has an inner life - or at least one that he can access and describe in words. I know he loves me and I know that our marriage makes him happy but he does not (or, I suspect, cannot) articulate anything emotional beyond that.

He is who he is.

This isn't the relationship for you. You want/need close emotional connection but have settled for a long distance relationship where you meet up once a month, and are surprised that if feels 'shallow'. I know that long distance relationships can work but they usually need to build first for there's distance.

My exDH was utterly disinterested in anything beyond the most superficial chat.
and now when I think about it, although I spend hours chatting with my DH (and we chat like this daily), he never really says how he thinks deeply about anything other than perhaps the price and availability of semiconductors or the latest in politics.

What does he do when you try to share more about your inner world?

He sounds committed on one level - has he been hurt before by a previous relationship? Or could be having deep feelings but struggling to express them? A good proportion of scientists have autism - feel deeply but struggle to express.. Or afraid to express feelings in fear of opening the floodgates. He lost his father very recently, which is a significant life event even if they were not close. Perhaps by not talking he’s just about holding it together.

Ask him, when you have quiet time in person together.

You should definitely do this if you want him to break up with you.

It might just be you arent emotionally compatible. I hate deep conversations, I am a stuff upper lip kind of person. I never talk about my feelings. Maybe you are just different.

Yes me too. Now, I've been married 25 years. So if I thought my DH was struggling a bit I'd probably probe a little. But he'd prefer to talk about Iran and so would I, most of the time.

This thread is interesting. I’ve always been someone who enjoys deep conversations . I don’t enjoy social chit chat and surface level interactions for very long. I just couldn’t be married to someone who didn’t think very deeply about anything.

I have a friend I’ve known for a long time who just isn’t interested in how people tick or why they do things. I find it puzzling .Maybe there are just some people who don’t enjoy analysing. I find her frustrating. She doesn’t understand what people’s deeper motivations may be and isn’t interested.

If these conversations aren't happening by 8 months in, they are never going to.

Honestly I simply don’t get this.