Have you ever dated someone who keeps their inner world totally off-limits?

[ForCosyLion]

So, this is a bit of a weird one. Been dating a guy for about eight months. It's long-distance. We meet up about once a month. We text and talk all the time. The relationships is full of humour and laughter. He's funny, he makes me laugh, I make him laugh, and seems really into me. He even says he loves me.

But. As lovely as he is, I can't deny that I find him a bit emotionally shallow. I don't know if he really IS just a surface-level person and there's just not that much under the bonnet, or if it's a calculated strategy in order not to get that close.

I'm the kind of person who connects with others as a deep level (if they want that too) and I find long, deep conversations to be very satisfying. I've always had hours-long conversations with my female friends where we've talked about everything under the sun.

The reason this has come up now is because his elderly father died a few days ago, and when I ask if he's OK, all he says is "I'm good" and such. The death was not a shock. But still.

I really like him, but I'm feeling starved of a deep connection.

Has anyone else known someone who simply will not let you into their inner world and doesn't ask about yours? With him, I don't even know if he HAS an inner world. Maybe he's just very straightforward. I don't think I've ever had such a surface-level relationship with anyone that I'm otherwise close to. I actually didn't know it was possible to have such a laugh with someone, sleep with them, talk to them all the time, and not get into anything beyond surface-level emotion.

If he doesn't want to share, that's fine. I can't make him, and it may be that he's just not that one for me.

I wondered if anyone had experienced a relationship like this? Do some people simply not HAVE an inner world?!

We are what we do, not just what we say. My partner doesn't go in for long conversations about feelings or whatever but once in a while will have a short clear conversation about them. But long, rambling, emotional ones? Nope. That's totally fine. We are very physical, laugh a lot, do many things together inc. regular date nights where we talk about art, books, world stuff. But not feelings. When I talk about mine that's fine. I was depressed for a while and got loads of support. But their feelings? Just not who they are to talk about them, or indeed anyone in their family as far as I can tell. It's no barrier to love IMHO. I like a bit of mystery ; )

Its ok that this thread is not about you. Its about the OP and her relationship. So its not relevant that you like something different.

You clearly aren't at all compatible.

Great displays do not denote the only acceptable or desirable relationship. Indeed, many use the big words and displays to keep a codependent addicted to the dopamine and adrenaline of insecurity and craving the rush of both.

You seem repelled by the idea that somebody could have ideas and education without seeking constant emotive reassurance. Dp's ex was so addicted to the excitement of abusive relationships that she thought he was boring, too. I'd say that not being a man who would physically and emotionally hurt her and then do the big gestures and star croased lovers thing would have been far healthier. Oh well, her loss, my gain.

I just want some conversation, that's all.

Very interesting to hear all the different experiences and perspectives on here. I had no idea that opening up, whether about opinions or feelings, was like a fate worse than death to so many!

You like a man who can't talk about his feelings? I just don't understand that at all.

I’m not sure I’d want to be serenaded with poetry either, maybe if it was done in the style of Richard Burton😁. I love talking about various subjects but I’m not sentimental or, as my mum would call it, sloppy. Unless we were talking about poetry (not particularly likely) it wouldn’t be my thing. I’d talk about books though. I wouldn’t dump them for the poetry if I liked other aspects about them. Sometimes quirky things like that end up being an anecdote for your diamond wedding anniversary.

I totally get you.
I find people/life interesting and complex and I like to explore this. I did psychology at college and this triggered a lot of questions and thoughts about life.
I think some people are more spiritual or meaningful that others

Plus many of us seek different things in our partners at different points in our lives. When I was younger I had no interest in stimulating conversations, just decent sex, night outs a husband to build a home with.
Now I know my brain needs more testing, interesting people and thoughts beyond surface chat.

My partner is fabulous in many ways but not overly deep, so I seek this elsewhere…it’s a bit like people going elsewhere in sexless marriages, minus the guilt.

I'm very grateful for all the replies. I don't have anything else to add, really. This has made me see that we are not compatible indeed and that this is not my imagination.

I'm so sorry. Thank goodness we have the people like you with nothing better to do than police the direction of topics on internet forums.

I think reading different life experiences is helpful for the op. It helps her see how mismatched they are. It's not the ops fault or her partner's fault they want different things in life. Personally I don't like to be love bombed I like in-depth conversations.

What? There is obviously a lot going on for you there as your reply is so wildly disproportionate to the comment I made.

The most common response to "I think I'd rather be friends with Mr. Bingley", is "Yes, I like his steadiness and good humour. I would imagine he would be easy to live with." That it triggers such an attack response in you demonstrates you’ve lost all sense of proportion.

Whilst I might agree with the principle that: Great displays do not denote the only acceptable or desirable relationship. Indeed, many use the big words and displays to keep a codependent addicted to the dopamine and adrenaline of insecurity and craving the rush of both. It does seem to me that you are unable to accurately discern whether the Mr. Bingley comment would really be considered a Great Display, or heading in the direction of "keep[ing] a codependent addicted to the dopamine and adrenaline of insecurity and craving the rush of both."

You seem repelled by the idea that somebody could have ideas and education without seeking constant emotive reassurance.
Not at all, but then I feel confident in my own ability to correctly identify whether a conversation is building a stronger relationship, or part of seeking constant emotive reassurance or conversely sensing the other is open to connection and running away resentfully, seeing connection as some character defect.

Dp's ex was so addicted to the excitement of abusive relationships that she thought he was boring, too. I'd say that not being a man who would physically and emotionally hurt her and then do the big gestures and star croased lovers thing would have been far healthier. Oh well, her loss, my gain.
There is so much wrong in this paragraph it's hard to know where to start: the false equivalence; the disgusting pairing of abusive relationships with excitement; the implication that not being physically and emotionally abusive is enough and not the absolute bare minimum; the accidental leak in your use of "too" in the first sentence when you and the ex are the only people here who know him.

Ultimately you do you, but I am unapologetically choosing the The Laden Table rather than The Short Rations you're hawking.

Same. Someone reading to me in bed? Fucking hell 😂

<goes back to looking at what everyone wore to The Met Gala>

I was watching something with my DH recently which prompted me to ask him why he never reads poetry to me. And he said because if I did you would divorce me. Too right I would!

Im so sorry that you are incompatible. It’s hard when everything else works. I hope you both find someone who appreciates you

You are very mistaken about 'short rations'. And that it was me confusing abusive acts with not being boring.

However, in the absence of any way to explain that a relationship is not a crappy one purely because of the absence of grand gestures or highly florid language - especially in the context of this being on a thread where a man just doesn't particularly want to express at great length about how awful it is that somebody is dead, the way he feels about his son and didnt want to do his day job and teach the OP some science to entertain her, I'm going to give up and go to my extremely happy home where my extremely funny, smart, sweet and kind DP will be home soon.

Blimey, why do so many people always turn on the OP on Mumsnet? Thanks for your reading of my issue. I thought I had made clear that there is really no conversation, of any type, and that I am starved of that. Would YOU like to be in a relationship where there is hardly any conversation, just jokes?

P.S. I was totally confused by what you said about me wanting him to do his day job and teach me some science. So I went back and read my posts, you confused me so much. I think you're referring to me having read a layperson's book about quantum physics and thinking the subject might be something we could discuss, since he's a science teacher and it's a pretty fascinating subject. You were really reaching to make it sound like I was demanding that he do his day job and teach me some science, and like I was stamping my foot because he wouldn't teach me, despite the fact that I'm the one who read the book.

I think there's a lot of misogyny on MN. It happens on so, so many threads. You can see on this one that there's a sprinkling of posts that manage to somehow blame me for the lack of conversation in my relationship. I'm icky, pretentious, hard work, make unreasonable demands (according to the post above), a pp can see why he doesn't see me much, my words are a turn-off, and God knows what else.

All this because I want more conversation.

I suppose people who respond this way must feel great about kicking others.

@NeverDropYourMooncup says I'm going to give up and go to my extremely happy home where my extremely funny, smart, sweet and kind DP will be home soon.

Well, how nice for you.

religious figure of your choice on a pogo stick but mumsnet can be nuts when they decide that a woman is getting above her station and asking for something more from a man—or a woman or a corporation—than what they think is the correct or median ask. You see it here if a woman asks for help from her in laws, or an accomodation at work. Its like the knives come out for the tall poppy and everyone fights to lop her head off.

@NeverDropYourMooncup Oh, I see that you're the same poster who shat all over the wonderful conversations I used to have with my best friend, even though I mentioned that she's now deceased. Figures. And you said that I want him to tell me his deepest thoughts so that I can feel special. Why so nasty?

Yes. There are obviously some extremely unhappy people around who just love to try to take people down. Luckily, at my age, I don't take it personally as I can see these people for what they are - troubled and tragic.

You need an Irish man for warmth and deep emotional connection. That's why I love them.

Oooh, good tip!

Oh lordy, not all Irish men! Especially not my alcoholic abusive Irish exh

🙄