Have you ever dated someone who keeps their inner world totally off-limits?

[ForCosyLion]

So, this is a bit of a weird one. Been dating a guy for about eight months. It's long-distance. We meet up about once a month. We text and talk all the time. The relationships is full of humour and laughter. He's funny, he makes me laugh, I make him laugh, and seems really into me. He even says he loves me.

But. As lovely as he is, I can't deny that I find him a bit emotionally shallow. I don't know if he really IS just a surface-level person and there's just not that much under the bonnet, or if it's a calculated strategy in order not to get that close.

I'm the kind of person who connects with others as a deep level (if they want that too) and I find long, deep conversations to be very satisfying. I've always had hours-long conversations with my female friends where we've talked about everything under the sun.

The reason this has come up now is because his elderly father died a few days ago, and when I ask if he's OK, all he says is "I'm good" and such. The death was not a shock. But still.

I really like him, but I'm feeling starved of a deep connection.

Has anyone else known someone who simply will not let you into their inner world and doesn't ask about yours? With him, I don't even know if he HAS an inner world. Maybe he's just very straightforward. I don't think I've ever had such a surface-level relationship with anyone that I'm otherwise close to. I actually didn't know it was possible to have such a laugh with someone, sleep with them, talk to them all the time, and not get into anything beyond surface-level emotion.

If he doesn't want to share, that's fine. I can't make him, and it may be that he's just not that one for me.

I wondered if anyone had experienced a relationship like this? Do some people simply not HAVE an inner world?!

Agree! I'm just a few dates in with someone at the moment and we've had deep convos already.

Some people are more surface level though, as evidenced by this thread. I can't connect with people like that either. Neither is wrong as such, just different - maybe you are just not compatible.

Why?

Because it gave me the instant ick. I’m a very practical person. This doesn’t mean I don’t feel - DH thinks it’s amusing how easily I cry during tv shows. But I’ve considered using ChatGPT to write messages in cards.

I never felt I knew him.

I told XH2 that, among the many men who say "My wife doesn't understand me", he was one of the few who'd be telling the truth! He didn't get it 🙄

I'd rather not have to analyse the composition, references, historical and sociological context of a work and how that might relate to me and his inner emotional turmoil or whether he's looking at a painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies.

Same with movies. Is the female character the standard twenty plus years younger, never seems to wear enough clothing for the circumstances, only exists through the lens of being a lesser part of the male whole or are they the tragic, suffering heroine who develops superhuman strength whilst all the men around are pathetically dependent upon her to fix things?

I certainly wouldn't want to know which tracks on the albums he's recorded (if any) are about me, either.

I've been told stories about his grandparents (met one of them). It doesn't have to be a big storytelling thing, it can be 'Granddad used to grow Rhubarb and marrows in the garden underneath the bathroom window, said it was the best place for them - he'd win prizes for them at the village show. Then they had the bathroom redone and the builders found the sewer pipe had collapsed years ago. Right under the bathroom window.'.

There's quite enough insecurity and anxiety mistaken for excitement around - somebody with the ability to not be a drug to crave but rather be the ground under your feet is more valuable than gold.

Really? That’s honestly my idea of hell 😂

But that’s different, surely? I like a good conversation where you discuss the behaviours of people, and changes in society and things like that. But I’ve got no interest in delving into deepest feelings.

I think you are describing different things. There’s interesting conversation and then there’s emotional nonsense, surely? 😅

I agree. He's starting to sound emotionally switched off AND boring now...

Mine simply would have had no interest in something outside his own experience like that. I don't think he would even have watched the film - unless there was plenty of sex, violence and at least one car chase!

There's a lot of benefit of the doubt being given in this thread; I think it's misplaced. There's no sense in projecting one's own feelings as possible explanations for another's behaviour - you have to know them or someone very similar, evaluate them by their own standards.

I once had a brilliant manager who is the epitome of the warm, emotionally intelligent, communicative male people seem to think doesn't exist. He told me "Women often think still waters run deep. They don't realise that still water's usually just a muddy puddle." I should've listened to him!

I'm interested in his feelings about interesting topics. If he ever wanted to talk about missing his brother, for example, or his worries about his ND son, I would be very happy to hear about that too. I once said "You must worry about X" - his son - and he said "Only every day", but then never mentioned any worries again. So, I don't get interesting conversation OR inner feelings. Since he's a scientist (actually, a bio and chem teacher) I started to talk about a book I'd read for the layperson about quantum physics. He said he didn't want to talk about that. We were out having dinner. I must admit, there are times when I've been having dinner with him and have felt a bit bored.

Maybe there's just not much under the bonnet!

He doesn't read, whereas I'm a bookworm.

I'll be honest, I was thinking you sounded a bit pretentious and hard work until you said this. I think this is indicative of a gulf in compatability. You can either enjoy your relationship for what it is and seek all the rest in friends or end it to find it all in one person.

You do sound to have been through a lot of crap together (bereavements and skin cancer) in a short space of time, and you say he wasn't there much when you felt low, but he also does sound to have been there with daily contact. You know the context so you can judge if that was a cop out or not in the circumstances. Of it fell short then don't compromise beyond what you are happy with.

To me, this would be a pretty casual long distance relationship where you communicate fairly often, but the relationship itself is superficial and not that close. He's there for the good times.

I wouldn't be having hours long convos with a casual long distance relationship person either.

Ha yes.

I’ve always liked a good raconteur, although I’m not one myself, but I admire their skill greatly. I just think a good conversation (or debate) about a subject can be really enjoyable. My son likes one too so I can have half decent conversations with him when he’s home, at least. Otherwise it’s the dog 😁

I think you want someone who is more talkative and maybe more sophisticated too.

I also think it's significant that he has a neurodiverse son. I assume that means autism. Are you aware that it's highly inheritable and that many people with autism process thoughts or emotions more internally?

Gosh. I agree with that too. A meal for two can be difficult.

I totally get you. I was a teenager when he was terrorising the country. I also would find it a very interesting subject. It’s actually been one of my frustrations that I never found a man who enjoyed a good discussion about a variety of subjects. I’m not an expert on anything or trying to flex superior knowledge about things or score points, I just enjoy a good conversation about all sorts of things.

As an aside, they never read books either whereas I was a bookworm. (Trying to get back into reading after my attention span has been decimated by SM 😭).

Could be an avoidant they keep things surface level only and add very good at it and asking you questions but after a while you get the sense they can’t get deeper & often repeat a lot of the same stories.

This isn’t true at all. All the men I’ve had as partners have been very deep types who can talk about anything, and have thoughts about everything. That’s why they progressed from casual because the conversation was endless.
Other men I’ve met have been very surface level, there’s just nothing going on beyond the basic work, gym, kids, food. I think women can be equally as different. So many women are shallow thinking.

I understand what you are saying, but not many people are deep, I am afraid. You need a heart lover, someone who makes love to your heart with these chats. I get it

'What has the OP said that leads you to think that he has emotions?'
Everyone has emotions. OP doesn't need to tell me he has emotions.

'Why would not paying any attention to emotions be something admirable in a life partner?'
I never said it was admirable.

Personally you're different and he wouldn't change so either you accept that is who he is, not in tune with his emotions or you move on.

I know it's easy to say I like him and aside from this he is this and that but reality is you will end up building resentment over time and it will lead to arguments or friction as you keep trying to push and change him.

I do think there should be some degree of emotional connection between a couple of not you're just friends with benefits. I also think it's healthy for people to recognize and address their feelings rather than pushing them down, unfortunately people who avoid or push their emotions end up releasing it one way or the other eg in anger etc. My advice walk away or just keep it as long distance friends with benefits and enjoy the time you spend together.

I think this highlights different strokes for different folks. My partner and I are very health conscious, so getting a good night's sleep is a priority for both of us. The idea of someone wanting to get into a deep conversation when my internal chronometer has ticked around would drive me nuts and almost certainly be a deal breaker!

I’m afraid you’ve just hopelessly proven my point.

What if the picture was The Two Puritans by Edward Hopper (the puritans being him and his wife).
Or if he said, I always thought I’d rather be friends with Mr. Bingley. Or “I love the old couples in When Harry Met Sally, the twinkle in their eyes is so…”

You are going down the road of hyperbole to mock anything that could be seen as the other than the most prosaic and cloddish. To continue the earlier food theme there is no moral value in living on thin emotional gruel you seem to like. You can choose that if you want to, but to get defensive at those who want to eat at the laden table (even whilst maintaining good sleep hygiene) is actually not very nice.

My husband and I disagree about this very point. He hates talking in bed whilst trying to sleep. I feel offended if he just reads then turns out the light and doesn’t want to talk at all.

Of course, no one is wrong here, but from my point of view I would wonder why, when you've had all day to talk, you want to do it when I want to sleep!