Have you ever dated someone who keeps their inner world totally off-limits?

[ForCosyLion]

So, this is a bit of a weird one. Been dating a guy for about eight months. It's long-distance. We meet up about once a month. We text and talk all the time. The relationships is full of humour and laughter. He's funny, he makes me laugh, I make him laugh, and seems really into me. He even says he loves me.

But. As lovely as he is, I can't deny that I find him a bit emotionally shallow. I don't know if he really IS just a surface-level person and there's just not that much under the bonnet, or if it's a calculated strategy in order not to get that close.

I'm the kind of person who connects with others as a deep level (if they want that too) and I find long, deep conversations to be very satisfying. I've always had hours-long conversations with my female friends where we've talked about everything under the sun.

The reason this has come up now is because his elderly father died a few days ago, and when I ask if he's OK, all he says is "I'm good" and such. The death was not a shock. But still.

I really like him, but I'm feeling starved of a deep connection.

Has anyone else known someone who simply will not let you into their inner world and doesn't ask about yours? With him, I don't even know if he HAS an inner world. Maybe he's just very straightforward. I don't think I've ever had such a surface-level relationship with anyone that I'm otherwise close to. I actually didn't know it was possible to have such a laugh with someone, sleep with them, talk to them all the time, and not get into anything beyond surface-level emotion.

If he doesn't want to share, that's fine. I can't make him, and it may be that he's just not that one for me.

I wondered if anyone had experienced a relationship like this? Do some people simply not HAVE an inner world?!

But we never get deep in person, either.

The sex is v hot though. But that's not enough for a "real" relationship.

I think I just have to see it as a light, fun, non-committal relationship that probably wouldn't be any different if he lived close and keep in mind that he's probably not suitable forever.

He may not be deep, but he's a good friend.

I just can't understand such an almost-total lack of depth. It's foreign to me.

Honestly, his lack of interest in any questions that probe, that give him any greater understanding of you (let alone you of him) is not a great quality. Maybe it wouldn’t bother some people but you sound like you need more. Don’t ignore that voice

I agree. Thank you for validating some of those feelings. It's really weird how he seems to want to be in touch with me a lot but simultaneously isn't interested in my inner wiorld.

Am abroad right now, so am going to bed. Won't be online for another 12 hours or so (midday Monday UK time.)

Thank you very much to those who have replied. I really do appreciate it.

I've known men who really enjoy long, deep conversations about profound topics. I've partnered with several. I seem to attract them. Maybe they can't find fellow men to have those convos with?

You only meet once a month. Maybe he doesn't feel as emotionally close to you to discuss his dad's death over calls/texts and is possibly having these sorts of conversations in person with family/friends who he sees more often?

Has he/you read Flesh by David Szalay- it’s about this.

Have you asked him about it? Questions like “are you ever sentimental?” or “you always come across very calm, do you feel strong emotions under there”

I mostly think the answer is no, he probably doesn’t have much capacity for having the relationship you want, either because the emotions don’t exist for them as a pp said, or that he can’t cope with anything closer than what you have - monthly in person, surface level only. Sounds like the relationship you want would scare him off in no time.

flesh is magnificent but not what you want in real life!

Do you have any examples aside from his father's death? Because I can completely understand why he wouldn't be up for a conversation about that. The answer could be anything from...

-It wasn't a shock so I pre-grieved before he died and I don't actually feel bad now, but that would make me sound heartless so I won't say it
-My relationship with him was complex and I'm still unpacking it in my own head
-I miss him all the time but I have to compartmentalise that in order to function day to day
-I'm sad, but not in an unusual way or in a way you can help with, so there's no point discussing it

When my dad died, I didn't have a deep and meaningful conversation about it with anyone. (Option B for me!) In general I prefer to process complex emotions in my own head (or in writing) rather than analysing them out loud. And while I don't shy away from deep and meaningful conversations, I don't always instigate them about stuff I'm going through, because I don't want to turn the time I spend with friends and DP from a time when I'm happy into a time when I'm sad.

I'm quite solutions-driven so if I do bring something sad up it's because I think the person I'm talking to will have specific recognition of the subject. A lot of my friends have toxic parents and we've all bonded over that, but why would I talk about my toxic parents to someone who doesn't have that life experience?

I find an easier way to have deep and meaningful conversations is to talk about these big subjects and emotions in the abstract - I can talk about grief, or sadness, or whatever, as a concept without making it about me or my life.

That’s why I’m recommending it!

Bell Hooks said it best
’The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. If an individual is not successful in emotionally crippling himself, he can count on patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem.’
Emotionally crippled.

I had a boyfriend like this in my 20s. He was incredibly clever, we had great physical chemistry, but there just… wasn’t much to him.

He could be funny, in a rote kind of way, and make pleasant enough conversation, and he was exceptionally even-keeled, and he knew an awful lot of facts. But I never felt I knew who he was, and eventually came to the conclusion that he was entirely without an identity beyond the information he knew - like an AI, long before AIs existed.

I really struggled with knowing whether I was unreasonable to break up with him, given that he hadn’t done anything wrong, and was kind and courteous and stable, and we had a nice enough time and fancied each other.

But it ultimately became very depressing and almost disturbing to be around him on account of his blankness.

He found it hard to keep any relationship going beyond 6 months, so clearly I wasn’t the only one who tried but failed to find anything whatsoever about him to become attached to.

I definitely disagree that it’s only a woman thing. I know many men who enjoy deep and meaningful conversations.

I couldn’t deal with someone that shallow. Sorry.

It's an emotional labour failing. He hasn't learnt how to do it and doesn't see any value in it. Most men won't put in the effort to learning these skills. It's unusual to find men that aren't like this to be honest in my opinion. Although some can be deep about their own lives and show almost no interest in yours.

Your old boyfriend and the OP’s current one sound similar.

That limited emotional range, the detachment, being calm and controlled, able to be pleasant and even charming on the surface but with nothing deeper to connect to… it can feel quite unsettling.

Relationships don’t tend to last when there’s nothing there to attach to emotionally.

"Inner world"..."lovers"...."bodily fluids"(!)

No wonder he only sees you once a month!

What would have been the right response? Maybe he is good. He might not be bothered.

Well maybe he just wants to keep things light. I mean you only see each other once a month so maybe he just doesn’t see your relationship as that serious?

I don’t think you can expect too much - you hardly see each other.

If a rando tried to establish my 'inner world situation', I would be seriously scared and you are a rando - you saw him 8 times. Try to date somebody in real life, don't waste your precious time on this 'relationship'.

I totally get where you're coming from. I was married to a man like this. I never felt I knew him. He wasn't there for me when I needed him. I craved something deeper at times and the marriage just didn't work.

I mean this very honestly: if you can separate out your desire for deep, searching conversation from dating you are probably living the perfect life. I am married a highly intelligent, complex, fascinating man. It’s fucking hard work. Managing his emotions is another job on my endless list. I love him, but sometimes I wish I’d married someone with less introspection and saved that side of myself for friendships .

But only you can say whether you can actually love someone who has less tendency to dive deep. Someone too shallow would probably give me the ick… .

Yes it’s 8 months but realistically you’ve met 8 times to me I always feel that it like a relationship is less developed (previous long distance here) so more like 2 months say. Texting is different and it can surface level a lot of the time. I wouldn’t expect deep conversations with someone I’ve only seen in person 8 times

We haven't always been long-distance, and when we do see each other, it's for a stretch of time, not just one date. He calls me several times a week and texts me multiple times daily, wants to help me do up my home (I won't let him) and tries to don various jobs for me, although I usually manage to stop him. He also declared his love for me a while ago, and a few days later asked me if it had changed things for me, as he was wondering. And he says he loves me about every other week. So I don't think I fit into the rando category....or maybe I actually DO, and all that is about keeping his access to the hot sex we have.

Sounds like a married man who has to very guarded about who he opens up too for fear of exposing his true self!