Have you ever dated someone who keeps their inner world totally off-limits?

[ForCosyLion]

So, this is a bit of a weird one. Been dating a guy for about eight months. It's long-distance. We meet up about once a month. We text and talk all the time. The relationships is full of humour and laughter. He's funny, he makes me laugh, I make him laugh, and seems really into me. He even says he loves me.

But. As lovely as he is, I can't deny that I find him a bit emotionally shallow. I don't know if he really IS just a surface-level person and there's just not that much under the bonnet, or if it's a calculated strategy in order not to get that close.

I'm the kind of person who connects with others as a deep level (if they want that too) and I find long, deep conversations to be very satisfying. I've always had hours-long conversations with my female friends where we've talked about everything under the sun.

The reason this has come up now is because his elderly father died a few days ago, and when I ask if he's OK, all he says is "I'm good" and such. The death was not a shock. But still.

I really like him, but I'm feeling starved of a deep connection.

Has anyone else known someone who simply will not let you into their inner world and doesn't ask about yours? With him, I don't even know if he HAS an inner world. Maybe he's just very straightforward. I don't think I've ever had such a surface-level relationship with anyone that I'm otherwise close to. I actually didn't know it was possible to have such a laugh with someone, sleep with them, talk to them all the time, and not get into anything beyond surface-level emotion.

If he doesn't want to share, that's fine. I can't make him, and it may be that he's just not that one for me.

I wondered if anyone had experienced a relationship like this? Do some people simply not HAVE an inner world?!

If he doesn't want to share, that's fine. I can't make him, and it may be that he's just not that one for me.

I think you already know the answer. If you are different fundamentally (and the desire to have long deep conversations really is fundamental) then it won't work out anyway. Right now it might seem more or less fine but down the line you'll face the incompatibility anyway. I also love long conversations as it really helos me understand other people and their inner worlds better and I really don't know how I could be in a relationship with someone I don't understand.

That's such a stupid thing to say.

I do know some people like him. They can be very pragmatic, prefer to be doing something. No interest in being reflective/ just talking. Their love language would be very action based....they would drive 6 hours in the middle of the night for you without a thought. It's not that they don't feel.

One guy's mother died...they were really close. I thought he would be devastated. But he just seemed so pragmatic about it - she was worn out and just wanted to go...and he just accepted that.

I think we are all different.

OP, do you feel like he sees you and knows you? Does he want to. I think we all want to be seen. I think he does love you but is showing it in different ways.
Have you ever tried to get emotional support from him...maybe there's something you want to talk though? I wonder if he would be emotionally available for that.

Ask him
If he is shallow I to find this really boring and no depth to a person to me is a waste of time and I wont gel.
It is either for withholding closeness or a way he thinks he should be..or guarded.
Change the convo and see how he copes.
Probably lacks the abilty to see outside his own self like someone I know.

I just would never want to discuss mg feelings. I discuss other things, like the economy, work, the neighbours cat, but not feelings. I don't know why, maybe as my family never do and are very pragmatic. We show love and connection in actions, not words.

Some people do not have much of an inner world. There’s nothing wrong. It’s who they are. For example if you ask him ‘how do you feel about that’ he would not know how to answer and would brush it off. But if you ask him ‘what do you think about that’ he may be able to elaborate. But it would still be at a thinking rather than a feeling level. Accept him as he is and enjoy the fun times

Some people (myself included) aren't likely to open their inner world to someone they have met in person approx 8 times.

OP, he sounds very lovely and perhaps a keeper but has a different way of processing emotions and showing love. My husband, we have concluded, does have feelings but just less of them than me and doesn't need to talk about them nearly as often. This mismatch is probably our biggest triumph and not a disadvantage. When my father in law was dying, he and his brother were obsessed with the state of his gutters and as I would be sat on his Dad's bed chatting about the old days,my husband would be cleaning the windows. His love is expressed very practically. Let this man do some DIY for you-not because you can't do it, but because he might need to show his love in actions, not words. My husband can talk to me about emotional crisis: I'm perimenopausal so I've had the odd one of late, but whilst he'll hold my hand and find out what he can do to alleviate my stress at a situation, he won't respond in kind, which is great because in a crisis I am not cleaning windows, and someone probably should. Your boyfriend has lost his dad which as we know, is really tough. The support he needs from you right now might be your presence rather than a request to verbalise how he's feeling. Where you are seeing a mismatch, I wonder if there is a yin/yang, complimentary thing going on. You might not be the same but that might be all to the good. I have friends who will listen to me examine a feeling from twenty different angles but my husband will offer comfort and support for a limited amount of time before vanishing stage left to unload the dishwasher/unblock a drain or, in terms of properly difficult circumstances, mow the lawn which seems to do the same for his emotional equilibrium as my two hours on the phone to my best friend. Stick with this man OP. He doesn't sound shallow but constant and grounded, plus I reckon he's very keen on you. If he offers to unblock your gutters, you're truly adored, in my experience.

I think you will always feel there's something lacking for you in the relationship. Yes, it's true that men are generally less emotionally expressive but he does sound like he's on the more extreme end of this and it sounds like it's going to be a significant problem for you. So I think you're not compatible. He will experience your attempts to get him to open up as intrusion and pressure and you will experience his reticence as hurtful rejection and lack of depth. It will be to do with your attachment styles too, if you subscribe to that framework.

I know what you mean, those honest and vulnerable conversations let you become much closer with each other as a couple. I'd be concerned that he isn't being entirely open with you, this could just be because he hasn't relaxed enough yet in the relationship to open up, but there's also the risk that he's hiding something or pretending to be something he isn't. The side you see could just be bravado/the way he thinks he needs to behave to impress you. Hopefully as you spend more time together he'll eventually open up, I wouldn't rush into any serious commitment like marriage or buying a property together or having children until this happens.

He could be playing the field. You could be one of many.

Some men are just like that, though, for a variety of reasons.

DP is a lot like that, we occasionally have deeper conversations but generally he’s just “fine” all the time, I talk a lot more than he does about what’s going on with me. He’ll talk once and pack it away.

I just shared this with my husband and he responded 'wow'. Deep convo is a personality thing, not a sex or gender thing in my experience.

OP yes I have experienced this in the past, some people don't like to get deep and personal, some don't like to get deep at all.

I’ve known plenty of men who have long and deep conversations, either friends or partners. I would find it really difficult to have a relationship with someone who didn’t so I’m with the OP here.

People are just different. I've had female friends who never talk about anything deep or meaningful, just want to meet up and have a laugh. Even if something difficult happens to them, they brush it off. And others who chat for England.

Same applies to men. If he's not for you then let him go. Personally I think your fella sounds ok. He'd probably open up in time but by your own description you guys are having a laugh and enjoy each others company. Is that so bad? He'd probably open up later? Tbh, I wouldn't expect anyone to have a deep conversation when they'd just lost their father, they'd still be processing it and that's their own journey to go through.

An INNER world? What?

I also enjoy very long conversations sometimes too OP, usually with female friends. But there is something very traumatic and sad that happened to me a couple of years ago and I still cannot talk about it. If anyone even mentions it or asks how I am I just say 'fine' and change the subject. So while I think it's totally reasonable to want more depth in your conversations, I'm not sure his father's death is where to push this.

I think he does have emotions, possibly deep ones, but he keeps them in the background and doesn't pay them any attention himself. He's almost unaware of them. So it's not like he's keeping anything from you. They just happen and he hardly is aware he has them. It's how he's wired up. It doesn't mean he's shallow at all. He just doesn't give them the time of day. It's partly male social conditioning. He won't change.
Doesn't mean he doesn't care about you.
He may be the kind of man who can't say 'I love you' but will drive for miles to pick you up from the airport etcetera.

I think seeing someone once a month for 8 months just isn’t enough to forge a decent connection.

There are plenty of studies that show that women are more verbally expressive with feelings and use conversation to gain understanding and connection, and that men are more likely to repress emotions and engage in conversations focusing on sharing information.
Not every woman or every man by any stretch - but an eight month relationship seeing each other around once a month isn't going to be enough for many people to open up - and from the research more time is generally required for men.

Either he really is not that into you at all, or you are not v compatible. No one has to open up to anyone else if they dont want to.

Thats the most performatively British thing I’ve ever seen.

Yes, dear, humans are known for them.

Sort of connected but I was having a conversation with someone yesterday about funerals and they said that everyone needs funerals to help them come to terms with their grief and say goodbye.
She was utterly horrified when I told her that I don’t see the point of them because , for me, once the person has died, that’s already the closure I need. They’ve died. I find funerals a waste of time and money and they just prolong people from moving on.
Thats generally my feeling about everything- I don’t have deep, emotional stuff going on, I just deal with everything very quickly and move on. There’s no lingering after-effects from anything. I’ve been the same since I was a child.
When people have tried to get me to open up, they are usually pretty dumbstruck to find there’s nothing to open up. My brain works a bit like a computer I suppose- sorts stuff out, categorises it, moves on. Job done.
I really have little tolerance for emotional people and I imagine emotional people have little tolerance for me 😅

Wow. This that is so odd to me. 8 months is getting into serious long term territory and if there was no deep conversation happening I would be wondering what the point was

I'm six years into my relationship and we still don't have a deep connection. She just isn't the type. If I try to connect on a deeper level she becomes gradually more agitated. It's just not for her. I've had to accept it. For me, its bizarre but for her, its her version of normal.