Have you ever dated someone who keeps their inner world totally off-limits?

[ForCosyLion]

So, this is a bit of a weird one. Been dating a guy for about eight months. It's long-distance. We meet up about once a month. We text and talk all the time. The relationships is full of humour and laughter. He's funny, he makes me laugh, I make him laugh, and seems really into me. He even says he loves me.

But. As lovely as he is, I can't deny that I find him a bit emotionally shallow. I don't know if he really IS just a surface-level person and there's just not that much under the bonnet, or if it's a calculated strategy in order not to get that close.

I'm the kind of person who connects with others as a deep level (if they want that too) and I find long, deep conversations to be very satisfying. I've always had hours-long conversations with my female friends where we've talked about everything under the sun.

The reason this has come up now is because his elderly father died a few days ago, and when I ask if he's OK, all he says is "I'm good" and such. The death was not a shock. But still.

I really like him, but I'm feeling starved of a deep connection.

Has anyone else known someone who simply will not let you into their inner world and doesn't ask about yours? With him, I don't even know if he HAS an inner world. Maybe he's just very straightforward. I don't think I've ever had such a surface-level relationship with anyone that I'm otherwise close to. I actually didn't know it was possible to have such a laugh with someone, sleep with them, talk to them all the time, and not get into anything beyond surface-level emotion.

If he doesn't want to share, that's fine. I can't make him, and it may be that he's just not that one for me.

I wondered if anyone had experienced a relationship like this? Do some people simply not HAVE an inner world?!

I find long, deep conversations to be very satisfying. I've always had hours-long conversations with my female friends

If this was a dating profile, this would give me a serious ick.
I am evidently shallow and have no inner self, the idea of long deep conversations fills me with horror.
I think if you need that then this one isn't for you.

I think 8 months is a relatively short period of time to be expecting really deep conversations with a male.

I wouldn't put that in a dating profile! 😂🤣 Nor do I say to my friends, "Shall we have a long, deep, satisfying conversation now?"🤭 It's always just happened organically, with friends who enjoy the same.

Why don't you like deep convos? What do you talk about? Who do you talk to when you're lonely or scared or sad?

Hm. I don't, I have to say. I feel like, it's normal that if you can share body fluids, you should be sharing thoughts deeper than "I'm watching the football tonight, can't wait!" Even with his dad having just died, there's really no emotion.

Massively generalising here, but women bond over long, deep conversations and it feels good for us. However I don’t think I’ve ever met a man who would be up for that. I know my partner at a deep level, but that’s from snippets of conversations over a decade of living together and sharing major life events. They just aren’t wired that way.

The way you connect with female friends will be different to how you connect with a long term male partner, and that’s ok.

Do you think distance is playing a part?

I understand what you mean and I have this with my partner, very similar. Lots of common ground, laughter and support but I struggle with lack of depth and probably get that box ticked with female friends.

I'd find that very odd after 8 months.
I seem to have the opposite problem; the men I know like to talk about their feelings and aren't so keen on listening to me talk about anything for more than approximately 12 seconds.

I have a long standing joke with my friend that my partner glazes over when I get too heavy and his eyes get drawn to the football/golf/my body parts.

Possibly the distance is playing a part, but we do talk all the time. It's just all jokes.

I have male friends who I talk to in much more depth, and my ex-H and talked in more depth, too. Not as much as with my best female friends, but I've definitely had relationships with men that are much deeper than this.

Do you feel seen in your relationship, even if he's not Mr. Emotions?

I've had male friends and lovers talk endlessly without letting me get a word in egeways, but I don't think I've known many who talk about their feelings a lot.

I don't even get the chance to get heavy with mine! His dad died a few days ago and all he can say when I ask how he's doing is "I'm good!" The lack of any depth at all is beginning to freak me out a little. Or it's there, and he just doesn't want to show it to ME.

The sexual chemistry is off the charts, but he doesn't open up even after hours of amazing sex - even though he will look deeply into my eyes during. And he has declared his love to me.

Sorry for the TMI!

I’m surprised by these responses! I would totally expect and need emotional depth from a man by 8 months. I don’t mean long heavy chats all the time - but a desire to get vulnerable with me, for sure

so much gender generalisation on this thread! Women talk, men don’t etc. I don’t buy it. You’re talking about a potential long term partner - you have to be able to ‘go there’ and get some grit and substance.

i would address it with him, in the nicest possible way. Tell him you’re curious. Does he find it difficult to express ‘feelings’ etc

Thanks! Yes, I feel this way, too.

That's a good question to ask. I'll hold off for quite some time, though. His dad has only just died. Maybe he's in denial about it.

I'd totally dispute your generalisation! All my male friends and most of my male relatives love 'deep' conversation just as much as I do.

I did marry one who claimed to have no depths, said he was straightforward, WYSIWYG. What a fucking disaster! He might not have an inner world, but what he did have was secrets. Loads of them.

I think that if, after eight months of frequent communication, you're still not satisfied by it, it isn't the right relationship for you. You seem to have the feeling he's keeping you at a distance, too, and I'd advise respecting that.

I think it’s probably (partly) due to proximity, if you were spending more time together there would be more opportunities to develop that side of things. Have you been on holiday together?

Yes. Emotionally things stayed the same.

It's a little confusing, because in some ways he's REALLY there for me. He has been an amazing friend and lover ever since we met. I went through a terrible time when my dad died, and although he still wasn't interested in my inner world, he remained in constant contact, frequently said how much he liked me and how much he missed me. But still no depth at all. Didn't ask how I was feeling, didn't respond much if I said I was feeling low. At least, not about the feeling low. He would chat about lots of other stuff, and he certainly didn't stay away from me when I was bereaved, like some. He has all the consistency in the world, but this very curious almost-total lack of depth.

No, don't second-guess him. Try to prompt a conversation. Ask him about the funeral, his dad's things, how the various friends & relatives are reacting. Is he doing the organisation and legal stuff, some of that must be hard?

Yes, I'll do that. I just won't ask him if he has trouble expressing his feelings (or however the other PP put it).

didn't respond much if I said I was feeling low

Amber light.

Thank you! Thought I was imagining the deep males for a moment!

I agree that I need to respect him holding me at a distance. Maybe I'll just keep him in the "warm, fun, lover" space, like he seems to be doing with me, and not think of him as a potential lifelong partner. I've been married, am in my fifties, and frankly never want to live with anyone again, let alone marry. So I've been fine with just seeing how it goes with him. But I do find the emotional side a bit lacking.

I’m clearly shallow because I haven’t got a clue what you mean by ‘deep conversations’. What do you talk about that makes the conversation deep?

That's what I thought, too. That's part of what I mean about no depth. But he is constantly present. It's the most stable relationship I've ever had, in that regard.

Could it be the distance issue? My husband and I have deep conversations however never over messaging or on the phone we’re both just rubbish at it. Face to face is much easier.

🤣 The friend I used to have the best convos died 12 years ago, so I'm having trouble remembering.

Once, we were on a long drive late at night, and we must have mentioned how quickly the evening had flown. She goes, "You know, I don't trust time." I looked at her curiously and said, "That's interesting. What do you mean?" Kept us going for 70 miles, that one did. And only stopped because it became close to 1 am and she was dropping me home. I think we talked about how fucking weird it is that time seems to behave differently in different situations and we felt like it might not be entirely honest. With quantum physics, turns out we might have been on to something.

One time we spent hours talking about work, how our offices work, and our feelings about our jobs and various people we worked with.

Often, we'd talk about our relationships and how crap they had made us feel.

We'd talk for hours at the pub, and then when we pulled up outside mine or hers house, depending on who was driving, we'd talk for another hour!

P.S. We would also talk a lot about how our families made us feel, if they had upset us. And we talked about our dreams and desires for the future - i.e. about getting married, whether to have babies or not. Etc.