Have you ever dated someone who keeps their inner world totally off-limits?

[ForCosyLion]

So, this is a bit of a weird one. Been dating a guy for about eight months. It's long-distance. We meet up about once a month. We text and talk all the time. The relationships is full of humour and laughter. He's funny, he makes me laugh, I make him laugh, and seems really into me. He even says he loves me.

But. As lovely as he is, I can't deny that I find him a bit emotionally shallow. I don't know if he really IS just a surface-level person and there's just not that much under the bonnet, or if it's a calculated strategy in order not to get that close.

I'm the kind of person who connects with others as a deep level (if they want that too) and I find long, deep conversations to be very satisfying. I've always had hours-long conversations with my female friends where we've talked about everything under the sun.

The reason this has come up now is because his elderly father died a few days ago, and when I ask if he's OK, all he says is "I'm good" and such. The death was not a shock. But still.

I really like him, but I'm feeling starved of a deep connection.

Has anyone else known someone who simply will not let you into their inner world and doesn't ask about yours? With him, I don't even know if he HAS an inner world. Maybe he's just very straightforward. I don't think I've ever had such a surface-level relationship with anyone that I'm otherwise close to. I actually didn't know it was possible to have such a laugh with someone, sleep with them, talk to them all the time, and not get into anything beyond surface-level emotion.

If he doesn't want to share, that's fine. I can't make him, and it may be that he's just not that one for me.

I wondered if anyone had experienced a relationship like this? Do some people simply not HAVE an inner world?!

I’m probably the bloke in this situation 😂
I don’t do deep conversations with anyone. It’s just not my thing to talk about feelings and get vulnerable. The only person who knows my vulnerabilities is me.
Im perfectly happy with that, it’s just who I am.

Of course he has an inner world, he just doesn’t want to talk about it. Lots of people prefer to sort through their own feelings alone.

Only kind of man I’m ever attracted to, despite loving deep conversation with friends. In my experience of obsession with the taciturn type there are some whose hidden depths turn out to be hidden shallows, and some who do have a lot going on but find it hard to share. With the latter you get some moments of feeling really seen and being allowed in to an otherwise completely private world, and as long as you have friends for a proper regular chat then for me that meets the romance needs better than a more open and needy man. But if you don’t enjoy the process of befriending standoffish cats, or getting the shyest person at a party to feel comfortable, then it’s probably not going to satisfy you. I do wish i was wired a bit differently and liked chattier men and if you do then maybe compartmentalise this one as just a fun distraction like you said.

OP he doesn't seem right for you at all, I dont really understand what's drawing you to him, apart from "amazing sex". You say he is a good friend, but what you then describe is the opposite.Your dad died and he did not show any curiosity or care about how you were feeling?? But kept complimenting you and having sex with you - how generous and kind of him!
Best case scenario, he's a harmless psychopath (not able to feel or understand emotions); worst case, he's deliberately keeping you away (sure he isnt in another relationship?).

I think to find out more about him, you need to look at other clues - meet his family and friends, check his bookshelves (yes a pretty good indicator imo to a person's depth), see his "day to day" life more upclose.

It sounds like this is more casual and not a relationship as you only meet once a month? Why is that? I think that’s quite unusual, I wouldn’t want to be in someone’s pocket, but I would want once a week least. It seems like he could be emotionally unavailable, does he even recognise emotions etc?

first post nails it

This is where we start making excuses for the behaviour we don’t like. He must not speak about it because…………. And we fill in the gap with our own emotions.

My husband is like what you are describing- it’s not a good quality and as we met young I filled in lots of blanks for him from my own emotional base. His father died six months ago and we have not had a conversation about it. I’m so disappointed in the way he is emotionally. I feel disloyal saying this but he honestly likes surface level connection. He can have deep conversations with his work colleagues and be very good at saying the right stuff but it’s not real - just almost learned behaviour. Example is if a younger work colleague says how difficult it is having a new baby, he can empathise with them and offer advice - I however got none of that - just silence and awkwardness- no I know it is really tough, how are you feeling etc - not interested. I’m going to read that flesh book mentioned above. Any questions feel free to ask but honestly I think you have seen the true him. If yju don’t like it - run. Many women would be happy with this

I met my dh online and have been married a long time . But having said all that I would still instill some caution . When you say its been 8 months , yes it has , but like you say you meet up monthly so add the time up that you are actually together , not the phone,calls , texts etc , but actual face to face interaction . I bet you will be surprised at how little time that is .

On reflection ( and time ) my dh not really the person he portrayed online . I'm not saying he lied about anything or wasn't the person he said he was but he is different .

We adopt a " best version " of ourself online and it sounds like you have almost 2 relationships going on . The online person , and the man you actually see .

Could you ask specific questions? ‘What was your favourite memory of your dad?’

I’ve only read this far, but here is the issue - do you feel SEEN? It’s fair enough if he doesn’t want to share what he is feeling, but does he listen, empathise and comfort your feelings and emotions?

This is far more important than having deep and meaningful conversations which imo you’ll be hard pushed to get out on 90% of men. But you need to be seen and heard by him, if not you’ll not have your needs met and it’ll be an utterly shit relationship.

Talking from experience being married to someone who also is v v surface level (and autistic), and I sound very much like you with as much depth as his shallow and a need for deep, intimate emotional connection.

Maybe I wasn't clear, but I did not put that in any dating profile.

Maybe because your only seeing each other once a month, you can’t get the same connection over the phone or via txt.

Some people have an avoidant attachment style. It means they don't feel comfortable with your inner world or their own. They avoid it if you will. If you struggle with it it's best to find someone else.

I get what you mean OP.

Surely it doesn't really matter whether he is super guarded or shallow as a plate. He is coming across as one dimensional after months so the result is the same. You can draw a conclusion that you will likely never get what you want from him.

Most people leak information to deep people, whether they want to or not and he clearly has not even done this so I would be inclined to think that he is shallow.

I have an ex that on paper, was perfect for me except we couldn't talk about anything below surface level. It was what had been on the news that week, the stock market (him) and his classic car. He had a job that I found really interesting but even with that, he had nothing more than surface level knowledge of it when it was a role you could get so much from.

I kept it as FWB once the realisation was fully formed with me. He called me to tell me he had met a girl and was going to get engaged as if he was breaking my heart. He never got me. I never got him. The sex was great and he was beautiful but that was all there was.

His wife left him on their second anniversary.

I second this. My long term partner is great fun but really not very deep at all, it's not an act, it's how he is. I've known him for over 30 years! Nothing seems to worry/stress/excite/disturb him etc, he's just quite 'flat'. When his dad died he had a little tear then spent the week clearing out his house! He just got on with it.

I’m as deep as a puddle.

I’ve been married for a long time, I’m a mum and I hold down a full-time, professional job.

I just do not care for navel-gazing or long drawn out conversations. I get on with things. I’m also happy. I sort problems without attaching any sort of emotional nonsense to them, it’s very liberating.

Leave the fella be. If he’s not for you, grand.

But when they see each other they are very intimate and close, as the OP says. So definitely opportunities to have deeper conversations.

For me though, it's that he never asks how the OP is, knowing she has been through difficult times and is on anti depressants. That is a big red flag, surely, & shows that he can't connect on a deeper emotional level or perhaps doesn't want to.

If you want long deep conversations like with your female friends then you need a girlfriend. In general men aren’t like that. Yes there always exceptions but in general men as a species are well known for limited communication. It’s not that they are shallow or lack emotional intelligence, it’s that they see such talk as a waste of time and unproductive. I mean I’m the same -
who has the time to waste hours on “deep and meaningful” conversations?

I think the question is whether he is unable or unwilling to talk about emotions. Copied from google for you: “Alexithymia, also known as emotional blindness, is a personality feature in which a person has difficulty experiencing, identifying, understanding, and expressing their emotions.” If it’s the latter it would be very different from someone who has more emotional depth but is avoiding it for some reason. I’ve encountered many people with alexithymia in my life, and they genuinely couldn’t talk about emotions as they didn’t feel/understand them. They were very open about that fact when I asked though. I have dated a couple of avoidant men though who were very capable of emotional connection but for different reasons wouldn’t ’go there’ which is a completely different issue altogether IMO. Why don’t you ask him?

I don't really think there are people who don't have any inner workings but there are people who are quite simple and straightforward in their needs, wants, feelings and actions.

What kind of deep and meaningful conversations were you hoping to have? Why can't you start one and see what he says? Ask him things about himself?

It sounds a bit much really. I don't know that many men who I could talk to about my innermost feelings and them there's. Many blokes just aren't really coded that way. That to me is more for female relationships.

It’s definitely not a man vs woman thing. I can give you three examples.

We are a debating, ideas talking family so I thought everyone had deep thoughts and enjoyed deep conversations but recently my DS admitted to me that although he loves his gf and sees a future with her (so do we, she’s amazing) he can never have a deep conversation with her and it troubles him. He worries whether she’s ’the one’ because of it. His sister thinks it’s because we are neurodivergent and the gf is a ‘normie’ but it’s made me realise that some people just aren’t that deep.

I have a friend who is same. It only came to light over dinner with her and her DH and he got really excited when the conversation turned to quantum theory and existential questions of life. He was loving it. She stood up and had a mini tantrum saying ‘I don’t ever think about this stuff. Why did you marry me? I’m just happy watching the tv and walking the dog! What do you even think about this stuff…’ it really knocked her worldview that her DH had all these thoughts that they clearly never talked about together. They live a very pedestrian, routined life - she is very domestic and her life revolves around the housework, Facebook and the dog. The DH is devoted and clearly goes along with it, but has no outlet for his many thoughts and interests.

Me and my DH are thankfully well matched - we can talk for hours on all sorts of things. I find it hard to imagine a relationship where that level of communication would be stunted and only surface level.

Yes, I have one like this as well.

Slow to open up but so worth it once they do.

You've been together for 8 months, but see eachother once a month.... So you've only actually met him 8 times?
No wonder you're not close.

Perhaps he just can't bear to talk about it? When I lost my husband, I carried on just fine, but if I had to talk about him I just broke down in floods of tears. I keep my feelings to myself.

It is not much of a relationship if you see each other once a month.

I think it might simply be that he sees this as a fun, casual thing and therefore the time you have together is based on having fun, nothing deeper than that.