Have you ever dated someone who keeps their inner world totally off-limits?

[ForCosyLion]

So, this is a bit of a weird one. Been dating a guy for about eight months. It's long-distance. We meet up about once a month. We text and talk all the time. The relationships is full of humour and laughter. He's funny, he makes me laugh, I make him laugh, and seems really into me. He even says he loves me.

But. As lovely as he is, I can't deny that I find him a bit emotionally shallow. I don't know if he really IS just a surface-level person and there's just not that much under the bonnet, or if it's a calculated strategy in order not to get that close.

I'm the kind of person who connects with others as a deep level (if they want that too) and I find long, deep conversations to be very satisfying. I've always had hours-long conversations with my female friends where we've talked about everything under the sun.

The reason this has come up now is because his elderly father died a few days ago, and when I ask if he's OK, all he says is "I'm good" and such. The death was not a shock. But still.

I really like him, but I'm feeling starved of a deep connection.

Has anyone else known someone who simply will not let you into their inner world and doesn't ask about yours? With him, I don't even know if he HAS an inner world. Maybe he's just very straightforward. I don't think I've ever had such a surface-level relationship with anyone that I'm otherwise close to. I actually didn't know it was possible to have such a laugh with someone, sleep with them, talk to them all the time, and not get into anything beyond surface-level emotion.

If he doesn't want to share, that's fine. I can't make him, and it may be that he's just not that one for me.

I wondered if anyone had experienced a relationship like this? Do some people simply not HAVE an inner world?!

We've met a lot more than 8 times.

Hmm. I do tend to look into his eyes and say...."Bodily fluids....inner worrrrrrlds....lurrrrrrvers....." Too much?

Oh God, don't say that!!!

I would think you’re right, that he has you on a box that doesn’t include more searching/detailed conversation.

Whether he has all human beings in that box, or whether he has other people he does talk to, is interesting but may not be relevant.

As for the ‘no men enjoy deeper conversations’ - this seems to be said quite often but it isn’t true imo. I’ve been in three long term relationships with men and all of them ‘did’ conversation. I remember Fever Pitch by Nick Hornby saying that women are just more interesting than men. Nick Hornby! He disproves his own statement by writing in huge detail about his inner life. How often does a ‘how we met’ story end with ‘and after that we talked until 4am’?

There was a guy I spent three years attempting to build a relationship with in my early 20s and we just couldn’t or wouldn’t do conversation together, we really didn’t have much to say, initially we were too busy shagging to notice but eventually it became obvious, he fucked someone else and broke up with me.

Whether he talks to other people is an open question. If you like him I’d keep giving him opportunities to talk but if it doesn’t happen, I’d say it’s not you, it’s him.

Do you feel like you could broach it with him? Does he have emotional intelligence? Can you talk about how your relationship is going and your emotional needs? That would be a deal breaker for me. Having been married to someone with zero emotional intelligence where “talking about our feelings” was his worst nightmare 😆. Emotional intimacy and connection is very important to me and sounds like it might be to you too.

Disagree, it totally depends on the man. I find creative men tend to open up far more easily and readily in general. I work with lots of them and they’re more than willing to have deep, open chats even with me and I’m just a colleague.

i need emotional depth in life. I get some from dh, but most from friends. None at all would be difficult.

Not sure if you are ever going to get the deep connection you are seeking with a long distance relationship if I'm honest.

Again, I don't agree with many posters who are saying you're long distance, you've not spent a lot of time with someone etc.

It's about your antennae for this person's depth, for their emotional openness - you can get that pretty quickly. You speak a lot, you have had loads of chats - but the chats have been, to an extent, shallow. I would be EXACTLY the same. Questioning whether he has the mental chops to go any deeper. But, unlike you, I'd have pushed by now, if I'm honest. Only because I do not want to spend my life with someone for whom conversations are pegged at a certain level.

You keep saying 'inner worlds' - which I find a bit frustrating. It's a bit performative, language wise and a bit vague. You want him to talk about his feelings, no? That feels much more ordinary and grounded. And entirely understandable.

I've been married 20 years. There are times my husband won't open up, won't 'go there', for sure - no one is up for it all the time - but the idea that we wouldn't talk about feelings or have those intimate chats is alien to me. We laugh a lot, we have a very strong relationship, imperfect and flawed of course, but when you're living together, sustaining a life together, going through all the stuff life throws at you - I genuinely feel you have to have a partner who can meet you where you're at mentally and emotionally. The sex will stop being out of this world.

What does it matter if other people have had this? Yours is like this and it’s not what you need from a relationship. You need to throw this one back.

I’m not saying he is autistic, but this behaviour would not be uncommon for lots of autistic men. Autism is a cognitive disability and it can impair people from understanding the emotions they have or being able to articulate them. My Ex is autistic and he said nothing whilst his mum was dying or when she died.

I also think you misunderstood him being there for you, during your terrible time. He was not supporting you. He was focusing on his own feelings of missing you. It was entirely ego centred, which is very typical of autism.

My Ex was very loving when we got together, but years later I came to understand that this was again the ego focus. He loved the feelings he had for me and was wrapped up in enjoying the love.

Anyway, he may not be autistic. But it is a possibility.

But that is irrelevant really. What is relevant is that he is never going to meet your relationship needs.

It can be a sign of emotional unavailability OP particularly if there are no moments of vulnerability his end.

My exH was just like this and our relationship began in just the same way. He moved soon after we met so we were LD for a couple of years. It was a very passionate relationship at first but he never discussed his feelings.
I actually found this attractive in the beginning. He is very intelligent and could talk about intellectual things but not anything personal or emotional. I thought he was incredibly sexy and just a "deep" person.
We married, all was great until we hit the usual stresses of real adult life & then his ability to connect with me on that deeper level became a problem. He hated that I wanted emotional support at times, I hated that he didn't offer it or ever seem to need it himself.
He was incredibly secretive & hard to reach.

Ultimately, he had affairs because he was unable to talk to me about his unhappiness in the marriage & how he struggled with parenthood. This only came out in a counselling session & then in a very matter of fact, unemotional way. Obviously, we split.

I think if you are looking for a deep connection and need that then this isn't going to be the relationship for you. When the sex is good, things are going well & you have things in common like humour, interests etc it's easy to ignore this issue. I certainly did.

But if the sh*t hits the fan one day and you need support or you need those conversations & that depth of emotion, then it won't work.

My partner took a while to open up to me as he’s been burned in the past. It took him time to trust his feelings but I suspected this was why he was a bit closed off so i persevered 😂

About a year in, something clicked with him and he changed overnight. We still had the same fun we’d had before but he was more open about feelings and now, he’s genuinely the best thing that ever happened to me five years in.

Some people can’t talk about feelings as they struggle to connect with them which can be related to trauma. As others have said female friendships often provide deeper conversation. Men often are self talkers. If you want deeper level conversation have you told him. I have this with my dp but we are alike and I think it’s a different type of connection. Ex dp it was unlikely. I think I often ask a question and it goes from there but feelings are still a no.

I could have written this about my partner. Been together over a year.

great chemistry, have fun, enjoy his company. We can do nothing together. He is kind in a practical way. He is affectionate. He is clever. He is good socially and has nice friends.

but I really struggle to get anything out of him in terms of thoughts and feelings. He has shared about his divorce, and some of the stuff that happened but only in factual terms. No reflection on how the breakdown affected him. He basically just decided it was over and moved on!

my partner is worse because I had to drag an ‘I love you’ out of him. He now knows to say it to me or I’ll get upset, but left to his own devices woudl never say it. He says I should know it’s true. To be fair, his behaviour shows me how much he cares.

but I really struggle with the lack of introspection. Or even discussing feelings. I have to drive all relationship chats. If it was up to him, I’m sure we’d have got to where we are now just going on dates, but with zero talk about the future, feeling for each other.

I find it pretty difficult to be honest. The relationship is generally good so I stick with it, but not sure how sustainable it is

If his Dad has just died then he maybe in shock. It can take several days, weeks or even months to get out of the practical mode - especially when someone has had a long illness or signifigant care needs.

Also a long distance relationship of 8 months is very new and still in the best behaviour terrority.

I know I'm supposed to be going to bed like I said, but I can't sleep.

Yeah, I work in a creative field and have a creative degree, being creative myself, and the men I work with seem to be more connected to feelings. This guy is a scientist, and he's realising all my worst fears about dating scientists, lol! But on the odd occasion, he has really disarmed me by doing or saying something very romantic. But he still won't say a word about how he feels about anything, and doesn't seem interested in how I feel about things either, except that one time when he asked me how I felt after he declared his love. It was a one-off though.

I guess I just find him curiously detached.

Nice to know they exist!

Sorry that you have something similar. It must be all the more challenging if you live with them.

Yes to all of this too with my exH.
He only ever said "I love you too" in response to me saying it first, would never spontaneously say it himself.

And when I looked back after we split, I realised I was the "driver" of the relationship throughout, moving it forward to living together etc etc.
Such a red flag that I ignored because I loved him at the time.

It could be. We talk and text constantly, and I thought we were close. i.e. when he had skin cancer, I knew well before he told his adult kids. Which surprised me.

Yes, it might scare him off.

I looked up that book and read a sample on Amazon. Wow, what a depressing read!!!! Does it get better?

True. He was really close to his dad, saw him and did care for him all the time. But he is also experienced with grief, having lost his brother in their forties and having lost his mum. In fact, between us we have lost four family members since we met, including three parents now. We are that age. I have lost my parents, ad I know how utterly terrible I felt. Maybe he is just in shock. Even if someone has been ill for a long time, it's still extremely weird when they go.

This sounds quite similar to my relationship. We are still having fun, but I imagine it could become quite depressing.

Yeah, I'm really wondering if I can, in the long-term.