Have you ever dated someone who keeps their inner world totally off-limits?

[ForCosyLion]

So, this is a bit of a weird one. Been dating a guy for about eight months. It's long-distance. We meet up about once a month. We text and talk all the time. The relationships is full of humour and laughter. He's funny, he makes me laugh, I make him laugh, and seems really into me. He even says he loves me.

But. As lovely as he is, I can't deny that I find him a bit emotionally shallow. I don't know if he really IS just a surface-level person and there's just not that much under the bonnet, or if it's a calculated strategy in order not to get that close.

I'm the kind of person who connects with others as a deep level (if they want that too) and I find long, deep conversations to be very satisfying. I've always had hours-long conversations with my female friends where we've talked about everything under the sun.

The reason this has come up now is because his elderly father died a few days ago, and when I ask if he's OK, all he says is "I'm good" and such. The death was not a shock. But still.

I really like him, but I'm feeling starved of a deep connection.

Has anyone else known someone who simply will not let you into their inner world and doesn't ask about yours? With him, I don't even know if he HAS an inner world. Maybe he's just very straightforward. I don't think I've ever had such a surface-level relationship with anyone that I'm otherwise close to. I actually didn't know it was possible to have such a laugh with someone, sleep with them, talk to them all the time, and not get into anything beyond surface-level emotion.

If he doesn't want to share, that's fine. I can't make him, and it may be that he's just not that one for me.

I wondered if anyone had experienced a relationship like this? Do some people simply not HAVE an inner world?!

I think in the long run this one probably isn’t for you. Long distance is exactly the perfect time for long deep conversations. Dh and I were long distance for 2 years. I mean, really long distance, opposite sides of the world, saw each other 3-4 times a year. All we had were long, deep conversations in those stretches when we wouldn’t see each other for maybe 2-3 months. We talked about everything. Our childhoods, horrible shit that happened to us, our values, our long term goals and ambitions, what sort of parents we wanted to be, etc. We talked about stupid stuff as well and what we were doing that day and we watched films together. It wasn’t all heavy stuff. But by the time I moved to live with him after 2 years, I knew exactly who he was inside because we’d spent a lot of time talking.

My guess is this guy maybe has some neurodiversity (I dated a guy once who was very surface, no feelings, ever) and looking back now (we’re still vaguely friends, 25 years later), I suspect it’s because he is ND and just doesn’t open up beyond the surface. Everything is very literal and action based.

Or he is so emotionally closed off, possibly because of some earlier trauma, that he’s going to be hard to crack without probably a lot of work on his part. Normal people show emotions when their dad dies with someone they have been this close to for 8 months. It’s not a good sign he can’t. I think long term you will find this unsatisfying and shallow.

From the opposite point of view - I had a boyfriend who thought that I didn't share personal information enough and that I needed help to "express my inner troubles". 😳 He even created a board game that involved me sharing things as part of the game.

I just thought he was intrusive and slightly odd. I didn't have any inner troubles. Things like paying the mortgage and dealing with work or family were too mundane for him. He wanted me to share deeper personal angst or secrets I think. Those sorts of things I deal with as soon as they occur and then don't need to think about them again. I think he just needed a source of drama and I didn't meet that need. Too exhausting!!

It could be that, yes. A type of toxic masculinity that has taught him boys don't cry, etc. He was born in the mid-Sixties, a much less enlightened time.

Do you mean long in depth conversations about feelings and stuff?

i can’t think of anything worse.

i am very guarded. Childhood trauma. I do not, ever, tell anyone how I’m feeling.

people think I’m laid back and nothing gets to me. I have learned not to show emotion.

i think men are socialised similarly. When you have been taught all your life to lock those emotions away, “be brave” “don’t cry” etc it is almost impossible to overcome that.

i am lucky in that dh understands.

It doesn't seem like he is, but of course he might just be in shock, and/or relieved that his caring duties are over. It's been tough for him the last few weeks, as it was for me when my dad went through the same thing earlier in our relationship.

Hmmmm it really depends...

I've just realised that DH and I don't have "deep and meaningful conversations" because he is a man of few words. But what he does say really counts. He knows his own mind and heart, and expresses it simply. He is not at all reserved or shallow or emotionless, but he just doesn't need to talk it all out.

In fact, this has rubbed off on me. I used to have the "deep and meaningful conversations" with friends, but now realise a lot of that was me struggling to make sense of things and work out how I felt. I no longer feel the need to do that.

Well, you could be right, but he's giving mixed messages by saying the L word and being in constant touch, but then not wanting to tell me a single feeling. Well, apart from the L word, which actually doesn't seem that authentic if I'm honest, since he doesn't seem to have any interest in my feelings about....anything.

when I listen to the conversations my dh has with his friends, or ask him about them, they aren’t anything deep….but he can be. A couple of friends’ husbands appear to have no inner life at all….beyond golf.

I'm sorry you went through that. That does sound pretty unsatisfying, and then for him not to be there for you...I mean, that's a major role of a spouse.

I do think that marriage doesn't suit a lot of people, so it's a pity that it's society's default. Pushes people into it who shouldn't be married.

So sorry to hear about your losses but it sounds like you have been through difficult times together in those eight months, aside from his dad's death.

How much emotional support did he offer you when you lost your parents? Did he allow you to talk on a deeper level then & engage in that himself?

I would have thought those experiences would be enough to show you whether he can open up at a deeper level and I think the length of the relationship is irrelevant, it's just connecting on a very human level.

For some people long distance relationships are the only way they feel comfortable with intimacy. The distance makes it safe to open up and shut down without it overwhelming them because partner is not there in person and they can ignore the phone easier than dealing with a person who is with them in real life. They can portray themselves as being far different to the person they really are because they only see you infrequently.
It usually indicates that you yourself are as avoidant as he is and as long as you know the score you won’t push to make it any more than what it is as reality will make it fall apart like a house of cards.

I hear you, and after 8 months I think its a reasonable time frame to open up if he’s going to. Perhaps he isn’t someone who likes to talk about his feelings.

I know what you mean about deep conversations, i regularly speak to a couple of friends for 1-2hrs plus on the phone. My adult son (33) and I have so many deep conversations, yesterday it was religious pilgrimages, it can be real life crime, literally anything. We could talk for hours.

I’d be a little bit concerned about how much he actually wants to connect with you.

I’m like you in the sense of enjoy deep conversations. But I also got told by someone recently I ‘lack depth’.

The catch? I didn’t trust that person so of course I was keeping it surface level, it was a tool to create distance and keep them at arm’s length. For example, I have a very surface level relationship with my parents as I don’t trust them. However, I might be more open with a relative stranger if I feel ‘good vibes’ around them.

I’m sure your partner has an inner world but he struggles to open up to you/trust you. Perhaps he is very self reliant. Perhaps he thinks he’s a bit odd and struggles to be himself around people.

Either way I’m not convinced about this dynamic. Surely the point of a relationship is to be be able to open up and trust unconditionally, it’s supposed to be your safe place, right?

They do sound similar. And yes, I'm beginning to find it a little unsettling. Where most people have thoughts and opinions on a wide range of things, he doesn't seem to. At least, not that he shares with me.

Oh yeah - he knows that I'm on antidepressants, but he never asks me how I am. I do see him as someone to laugh with, so maybe he sees me as someone who's always having a laugh, but still....he knows I am on them because I have had so many losses in recent years...both parents, cousin, best friend, husband, and two homes. He never asks me how I feel. Ever.

I don’t think this is a gender thing. DH comes back from meeting his mates and is full of the goings on in their lives and while it isn’t breaking confidences stuff, it definitely has depth.

I don’t think it is completely gendered but as a whole I think women do tend to go deeper but plenty of men are deep. Everyone has an inner world, be it developed or not and by developed I just mean if you can put words onto your feelings, thoughts, sensations whatever.

My son is very private and he gives you nothing and I’m always joking with him to just let me in.

It is a running joke between us but he is full of depth, he just has no interest in sharing his inner world. Not his buzz.

Gosh Op. I really identify. Except my relationship has been ten years. Lovely kind and intelligent but no discernible emotion. Exactly the same in a grief situation. Just practical.

My DH never talks about emotions and tbh I don't either really. We're both quite private people and I can't bear deep, emotional conversations - they make me feel very uncomfortable. DH and I have long and interesting conversations though about all kinds of things. We both read lots, are very interested in the world and people and politics and current affairs. I'm into art and literature and running other stuff that he isn't, so I talk about those with friends, but deep emotional stuff? Nope! I really don't feel the need to delve into that stuff and I think if you do and this man isn't fulfilling that need then ultimately this relationship won't be satisfying for you.

Oh dear, that sounds like too much the other end of the spectrum! If yours could swap out some of his depth for a bit of mine's "shallowness," we'd be all set!!

It HAS been perfect for a long time. I've been through a horrible string of mid-life losses, and it was a balm to have someone so consistent and stable. But I find that something is missing...

YADNBU
I know someone like this.
It’s like trying to get blood out of a stone. It’s draining and it becomes extremely boring.
Some people really are not that deep. It’s just not there.

That is so freaky. Scary even, the way you describe it.

Having said that, I remember dating someone similar. He had a good job and seemed intelligent, pleasant and polite. But VERY surface level and lacking emotional intelligence. Later on I also realised that he was selfish and a player, also misogynistic and putting me down/negging etc. So on top of lacking depth he revealed himself that way, and I'm so glad I stopped seeing him then.

I think everyone has an inner world but some people like to avoid some of their own if its particularly painful for them. They take an oh well I am going to have to get on with it approach.

And you may just not be compatible

I do feel in a box, and you're right that whether he's like this with everyone else is not really relevant.

I also agree there are deeper men out there. I haven't experienced "shallowness" to this extent before.

I will give him opportunities to talk. Maybe not for the foreseeable future and he has just lost his dad, and maybe he's just trying to keep it together.

Either he is selfish and doesn't care how you are or he doesn't ask because he finds discussing feelings uncomfortable.

Either way, it just doesn't sound like this is the relationship for you if you want a connection on a deeper level. Eight months and difficult experiences in that time is enough to show you that.

I had a 'relationship' like this in my late teens. Mostly texting, didn't see each other often and low level conversation. I later found out it was because he had a girlfriend of 7 years and he did a v good job of hiding all evidence when I visited.

Sorry OP, but I think the reason he doesn't need those deep conversations or support is because he gets them elsewhere.

OK, I really am going to bed now. It's almost 3.30 am where I am right now. I've replied to as many posters as I can for the moment and will be back tomorrow. Thank you to everyone who has replied so far.