What is this kind of overreaction from DH called?

[Malinia]

DH does this kind of thing a lot but I'm not sure what it's called.

Today he was trying to fix something with our media centre, and then after a while was in his phone. He started watching a video with sound on, which he knows me and DD find annoying (we are both autistic) so I said "what are you doing?". He said "watching a video to fix this" so I asked how long it was. He then said "I can do it when you go out, probably next year" and turned it off huffily. I replied "or you could wear headphones".

But what's this called? It's so irritating when he overreacts like this. I didn't tell him to stop watching it, I just wanted to know how long it was going to go on for so I could manage it.

I hate it when he behaves like this as it feels manipulative somehow.

But you weren’t just asking how long it was out of interest. You were letting him know you were annoyed (perhaps justifiably if he knows you and DD don’t like it). He was over-sensitive, but was also annoyed and responding to the criticism he knew you were making.

Oh. You obviously know the OP better than she does herself. I am autistic. I too get frustrated by unwelcome intrusive noises as the OP does.

"A prisoner or a slave" Jesus Christ the drama 😂

All I'm saying is if you knew something causes your DP to become stressed and overwhelmed when there is a perfectly acceptable solution that doesn't cause you any additional issues (in this case wearing headphones) then why would you persist in doing it?

If this happened in our house I'd just be like oops sorry - can you help me find my headphones please (because I'm the one with ADHD in our marriage so I'd inevitably not know where they were...). But then my husband would have addressed it with me in a less pass agg way than the OP i.e. say is there any chance you could use headphones, fine if not I'll go in the other room.

I also dont think he was issue here. He was trying to fix the media centre and watching videos to help with that. Presumably this was the living room. What were you doing in there while the media centre wasnt working?

and the fact you insist on no noise in the house and your husband and children to walk around wearing headphones concerned me. What are your children watching online that you cannot see or hear? Are they online watching things you cannot see and hear a lot throughout the day?

I agree.

In this situation, OP, you should have either have gritted your teeth and ignored the sound being on, or better still, gone into another room or out. Or used ear plugs. He was in the process of fixing something.

No wonder he was pissed off with you.

But the op says her partner has adhd. So she also knows that if she interrupts him mid-flow, that job has stopped, not paused, and he is now frustrated and having to find the motivation to carry it on.

No, your point and my point are exact opposites. Read what I wrote again.

How is it an over reaction? It’s his house too and he’s trying to fix something. You could have gone into another room if it bothered you that much. I hate ND being used as an excuse for every minor inconvenience or dislike in life.

The OP's family are all having to walk around with headphones to not trigger the OP.

Poor, poor family. One family member's perceived needs and sensitivities should never rule a whole household. Why not compromise? Sometimes they wear headphones and sometimes she leaves the room or wears noice cancelling hp.

Young dc using hp damages their ears so her needs are negatively impacting her dc's health.

Of occurs it's as if OP's h has no right to freely be himself in his own home. Prisoner and slave is indeed a bit dramatic but Op is certainly curtailing his freedom to do as he pleases.

"having to walk around with headphones"

All I can see OP has said is "if you want to watch something on a device that isn't the TV, you wear headphones".

Presumably this only applies in communal areas, so for example it would be fine for the kids to watch something in their bedrooms or to go in a different room downstairs, if they're old enough to do that? If not then yes fair enough you have a point. And I certainly do agree with you to an extent then when you have kids you do have to accept some level of this kind of noise - it's more the DH I'm thinking could do a bit more to compromise here.

But the headphones thing seems perfectly normal to me. Do people really have stuff blaring out over tinny phone speakers all over the house all the time?! To me that would be like watching it on a train or something and everyone would agree that wouldn't be ok!

Maybe this is just something we are very out of step on because we're an ND household but it's hardly a hardship to either wear headphones or go to your room if you want to watch a video on your phone that noone else will be interested in!

I'd just have left the room. The you tube DIY fixes are so helpful. Much better than manuals.

Exactly this. If @Malinia is the one who is overwhelmed by very normal behaviour, maybe she should be the one who is inconvenienced by having to put noise cancelling headphones on or moving to a different room. Someone expecting me to wear headphones at all times in my own home would be a deal breaker for me.

And I say that as someone who doesn’t like phone background noise much myself.

It’s called “winding your DH up when he’s trying to fix something”. If you have ‘sensory’ issues around using his phone aka irritation with noise, then self-manage it and take yourself out of the environment.

Agreed.

I don't think he overreacted tbh 💁He was watching a tutorial on how to fix something, I think doing so without headphones is fine. It's not like he was watching a movie or listening to an audiobook on full volume for hours and educational videos like this aren't that long anyway.

This -OP sounds hard work and passive aggressive I'm Team DH on this one

You are not being unreasonable, OP. Having a diagnosis is one thing, but one still has to live in the world. You were trying to manage your diagnosis by working with him to ask how long it would be so you could handle yourself. I don’t think you were wrong for that, and I commend you for actively being a person who manages your condition in a very stimulating world! 💐

It really annoys me when my husband (or anyone) plays stuff out loud. HOWEVER, if he's doing it to fix something in the house, of course he gets a pass. And a "thank you."

You were probably doing that annoying passive aggressive thing on your honeymoon too. I hate people who cant even tell when they're being out of line.

I'd respect it more if you were being an asshole on purpose. The shocked " I was just collecting information!! " is so pathetic tbh

Why should her husband have to change what he is doing if the OP can simply walk out of the room?

Ultimately if Op wants a happy marriage she needs to learn to compromise rather than bend her h to accommodate her triggers at all times. What ever has happened to compromising in a family? Some of the time he wears headphones other times OP moves away from the noise. If OP was a man she'd be told she is abusive and controlling.

You’d have to ask the OP why she didn’t do this. What we do know so far is that she has a real condition that can’t just be switched off.

Why is it an ND thing to be annoyed by people watching videos with the sound on without headphones? Doesn't that annoy everyone?!

However, in this case if DH is trying to fix something, then you should have left the room if it was annoying you that much.

I think I’d find you very difficult to live with. It all sounds very intense if I’m completely honest with you.

No-one can be ADHD, any more than they can be dyslexia or autistic spectrum disorder. Your partner may have it.