What is this kind of overreaction from DH called?

[Malinia]

DH does this kind of thing a lot but I'm not sure what it's called.

Today he was trying to fix something with our media centre, and then after a while was in his phone. He started watching a video with sound on, which he knows me and DD find annoying (we are both autistic) so I said "what are you doing?". He said "watching a video to fix this" so I asked how long it was. He then said "I can do it when you go out, probably next year" and turned it off huffily. I replied "or you could wear headphones".

But what's this called? It's so irritating when he overreacts like this. I didn't tell him to stop watching it, I just wanted to know how long it was going to go on for so I could manage it.

I hate it when he behaves like this as it feels manipulative somehow.

To be honest I was expecting something far, far worse than a slightly irritated reaction to your question.

He was trying to do something, perhaps feeling frustrated and annoyed because he couldn't get it to work, and watching a YouTube video to help. He wasn't watching the video for fun or to annoy you. How long was it? A few minutes? If you do this sort of thing a lot I can see why he snapped.

Ridiculous, generalising and divisive statement for absolutely no reason.

@Malinia unless he started watching something on loud speakers while you were already watching something, I’m not sure why it falls on him to have headphones?

That's exactly what I was thinking. If he'd been wearing headphones she'd be posting on here he was ignoring her.
Unless you live in a one room flat you could have gone to a different room.

As you don’t like the noise I can understand why you asked what he was doing but to then further question him when he told you was not necessary IMO.

Why didn’t you leave the room while he fixes it?

He may not have known how long it would be as he might not have needed to watch the whole video

If you'd waited a few seconds, it would have been obvious that he was watching a video about how to fix the media centre - then you could have left the room yourself rather than moaning and bitching.

I'm autistic too btw and you can't expect the world to adapt to your sensory issues - if you don't like noise on phones then the onus is on you to find a way to deal with that - get some Loops to drown out background noise, leave the room or at least ask people politely to use headphones rather than launch into a series of passive aggressive digs about their perfectly normal behaviour.

Well you knew he was watching a video so why ask what he is doing? I would view that as.passive agressive. You could see he was fixing something being nd doesn't mean that other people always have to bend to not upset you when theres an easy solution ie you leave the room or grab your own headphones

This.

This

He needed to watch the video to mend something, instead of asking him to wear headphones, which can also be extremely annoying to wear when trying to mend something why didn’t you leave the room and go elsewhere whilst he was working?

why is it he should be inconvenienced?

Do you always micromanage your husband. I barely know you and I am already seeing what he has to go through.

Op, you know that no one whether ND or NT is immune from getting irritated sometimes. What your husband is doing is exactly and obviously that. I think you know this, you're just looking for a label to put on it to make it somehow less reasonable than your irritation. Your being ND doesn't make your irritation more important or excusable - or indeed more inherently rational - than his.

What's even more irritating about this thread is that she has come to Mumsnet to give him a name. I don't know how he puts up with her.

He was fixing something honestly you sound entitled.

Sorry but I couldn't live with this level of unreasonableness whether you are ND or not. He was doing something to help the household and you had the option to leave the room if he was irritating you. You have responsibility for yourself too. He was watching a quick video on how to do a household DIY task. It's not like he was obnoxiously doomscrolling with no headophones in a busy room or scraping his fingers down a blackboard. This is on you really.

This.

You sound like a PITA , OP and he sounds fed up if you.

You were unreasonable to him OP and he reacted in an irritated way because he was already having a difficult time fixing something. He just snapped a bit and it's absolutely ludicrous to expect someone to get their headphones out to watch a fix it type video.

I completely agree. Glad I'm not the only one.

Tbh, the only one who comes across as a bit of a knob in this is the OP. Guy can't even watch a short video in his own home, that will benefit the whole family, without getting jumped on.
I suspect it gets rather tiring having to constantly tip-toe around OPs sensory issues.

OP won't be liking the way the thread has gone.

Wishing her husband luck with it all.

Yep, there's a reason she's not come back!

She came back to try to shift the goalposts and re-frame his task as selfish but she still got her arse handed to her. I wonder if she will learn anything.

Usually I'd agree, but when your wife & daughter are autistic you need to go the extra mile for them. Either get the headphones ( if you normally use them. I can't) or explain what you're doing.

the snap about her never leaving the house was unnecessary & nasty

@Malinia I do think you also need to try to mitigate some things if you can. He was obviously trying to fix something. Could you not have gone into the bedroom or gone fur a walk. He wouldn't have known how long it would take because he's fixing something, not watching something for fun.

Sorry, but no. Having an autistic wife and child doesn't mean you have to constantly be on edge and prepared to "go the extra mile". I'm autistic myself and would never, ever expect DH to change his behaviour to accommodate my sensory issues.

It's clearly one if those threads where you/the OP doesn't actually want opinions or advice. They just want people to agree they're right & he's wrong.

we have a general rule...

you mean YOU have a rule everyone must live by.
listening to music for pleasure (on headphones FOR YOU) is one thing, listening & following instruction is quite different.

you have autism, but you're not the only one living in your house.

you could have gone into another room or gone for a walk.

I'm not neuro divergent (as far as I know) but I've had a degree of misophonia all my life. My family is vaguely aware of it, but I've never asked them to change what they do. If I find I'm getting stressed by a sound, it's almost always possible for me to leave the room for a short while. There's usually something else I could be doing, so it doesn't look as if I'm being PA. It's not like I heave a deep sigh, leave and shut the door. I just find something else to do briefly.

“What is this kind of overreaction from DH called?”

Do you always ask loaded questions, @Malinia?

Why not ask “What is this kind of childish passive aggressive behaviour from me called?”