What is this kind of overreaction from DH called?

[Malinia]

DH does this kind of thing a lot but I'm not sure what it's called.

Today he was trying to fix something with our media centre, and then after a while was in his phone. He started watching a video with sound on, which he knows me and DD find annoying (we are both autistic) so I said "what are you doing?". He said "watching a video to fix this" so I asked how long it was. He then said "I can do it when you go out, probably next year" and turned it off huffily. I replied "or you could wear headphones".

But what's this called? It's so irritating when he overreacts like this. I didn't tell him to stop watching it, I just wanted to know how long it was going to go on for so I could manage it.

I hate it when he behaves like this as it feels manipulative somehow.

If the sound was on was it talking about fixing the thing?

Nonetheless what she wanted was for him to stop it/wear headphones, she thinks he often listens to annoying noisy things instead of being like the kids and wearing headphones, and she thinks he abandons fixing things so isn’t serious in his attempts. People with autism aren’t neutral creatures merely eliciting information. She has feelings and her words have subtext, which in this instance is “you’re irritating me, I’m going to irritate you until you stop”. If she can’t comprehend that, then that’ll be why this keeps happening.

If he doesn’t wear headphones he is doing it to deliberately annoy you, if does he is doing it to avoid communicating with you.

He can’t win can he?

So he’s at fault for sometimes wearing headphones which make him incommunicado but also at fault today for not wearing them.

I’ve no doubt the noise was annoying and yes I think his reaction was childish but I can certainly see 2 sides here.

Why did you need to know fat he was doing?

You would have worked that out if you had waited a minute.

You were especially unreasonable to ask how long it will be - that was a stupid question, as how can he possibly answer that.
He may have needed to pause and rewind it multiple times.

You sound quite controlling and I think his reply was very patient considering how passive aggressive you were.

If he wasn’t fixing something then fair enough he could out earphones in but if he’s fixing something then that trumps your sensory needs and you could have just left the room.

He was fixing the thing not watching videos for fun. You were being unreasonable.

Yep!
Sounds like he literally can’t do anything right!

Id be annoyed if I was dh fixing things is stressful when its not going right. These instructional videos are usually only a few minutes long. If you don't want to hear it leave the room he's busy

If was perceived as criticism because it was criticism!

If he was fixing something then how long the video is isn’t a great question because the nature of “fixing” videos is that you might pause, rewind, rewatch or find a better video.

Do you really expect him to wear headphones when watching instructions to fix stuff, maybe while lying on the floor and fiddling with awkward leads etc?

The last bit is at least half your problem. He was trying to help fix it.
Trying to get my head round with why on earth you need to "name" what his behaviour was? Are you making a list of his faults?

I actually with your DH on this. He is concentrating on trying to fix something for the benefit of the whole family, watching a video on how to do it, and you interpret to ask a pretty irrelevant question that suggests that although he has to do the work of fixing it, he can only do it in a way that won’t annoy you. It doesn’t really matter how long the video is because if he’s only at the start of trying to fix it, he might need to watch the video multiple times, or start and stop to follow the steps in the video as he goes along. Knowing how long the video is tells you very little. If the volume being on annoys you and your DC, just leave the room and let him get on with fixing it in peace.

@Malinia I hate dh's music and I tell him to go into another room or I switch room depending on if I need to be in that room. I would not have asked or said anything if he was fixing something for the family. Why didn't you just change rooms if it bothered you?

You sound controlling and he sounds bloody fed up with it.

He sounds fed up. It is difficult living with autism but its also difficult living with people with autism

Who's "we" - you and your child deciding your husband is ND?

The way you tell the honeymoon story is interesting. "He stormed off from me on our honeymoon because I got frustrated when he got us lost in Venice". Sounds like you were unreasonable first. Why was it his job and not yours to know the way around Venice? Is he from Venice? If not it's unclear why you were "frustrated" at him. Did you tell him off? Would you rather he'd had it out with you on the street or walked away?

Is there an issue with you not going out much together?

100% agree with this.
Stop being pathetic and controlling.
Leave the room and do something else FFS rather than using coded language to express your frustration.

Do you really believe your last sentence, or was just a throw away remark?

On the off chance you believe it I have to tell you you're wrong. I'm NT my child's partner is ND. I love them a great deal.

Given he is trying to fix something that assume you all use, he isn’t being unreasonable watching a short video for tips. I’d be quite peed off if my partner asked what I was doing when I was trying to find a way to fix something. Not sure if you ever have that responsibility or it always falls to DH, but it can be really stressful trying to fix things and I guess it wasn’t his first thought that he better go find some headphones so as not to inconvenience you and child. Maybe try and be helpful and do some research or make suggestions instead of criticising.

I’m autistic, as is dd, I’m always the one who gets asked to fix tech shit such as phones, consoles and I do that by using video tutorials, my dh doesn’t like the tinny sound of phone audio but so removes himself from where I’m fixing things and it’s a non issue.

Same when he’s doing diy, he’s very noisy and I struggle a lot with the clattering and banging, he also watches video tutorials, I just leave him to it and use my own coping mechanisms.

It sounds like he often has to prioritise you and DDs sensory issues, the music is another example, why doesn’t he just play his music on a speaker or on his media system? You say he does it so you can’t communicate with him, is he wearing headphones so he doesn’t have to communicate with you? Or is it because you’d moan that you and dd don’t like the noise if he played it out loud.

When I say ‘how long is that video going to last?’ to my DH, what I mean is ‘turn that off, it’s really fucking annoying’. I suspect you meant the same 😉

Bollocks. I’m NT and adore my ND husband and son.

How small is your house that you simply can’t just walk away. Your OH is fixing something in the house for everyone and wants to watch a video to do it - perfectly fine.

You questioning how long is telling him not to watch it out loud and he probably feels like you are treating him like a child.

He was stuck to his position fixing what he needed to - you weren’t. You chose to confront a non-issue instead of simply walking away.

I trust you said thank you when he sorted it too?