What is this kind of overreaction from DH called?

[Malinia]

DH does this kind of thing a lot but I'm not sure what it's called.

Today he was trying to fix something with our media centre, and then after a while was in his phone. He started watching a video with sound on, which he knows me and DD find annoying (we are both autistic) so I said "what are you doing?". He said "watching a video to fix this" so I asked how long it was. He then said "I can do it when you go out, probably next year" and turned it off huffily. I replied "or you could wear headphones".

But what's this called? It's so irritating when he overreacts like this. I didn't tell him to stop watching it, I just wanted to know how long it was going to go on for so I could manage it.

I hate it when he behaves like this as it feels manipulative somehow.

I'd call it miscommunication on your part, and I say this as an autistic woman with an ADHD DH. Just a simple "Please will you wear your headphones to watch that as I'm finding the sound a bit much?" would have worked better. A simple request with a clear reason for asking. (TBF it took us 20 years and marriage counselling to figure some of this stuff out. Now married 25 years.)

Surely if the video was loud enough to annoy you, you could hear the content and gather he was watching a tutorial? I think he was frustrated trying to fix it and you having a go about him watching a video pissed him off further.

Yep. As has been pointed out by many, re the headphones issue, he can't win. He must be treading on eggshells.

How come nowadays there is a complicated name for every single tiny bit of annoying behaviour.
Is nobody just a knobhead anymore?

You were the issue here......if he'd been lolling on the sofa watching a video when you were trying to watch tv then fair enough but he was trying to fix something. He wasn't doing anything wrong just existing in his own home.

I imagine this will be the tip of a massive iceberg for him and you will be difficult to live with in ways that haven't even occurred to you as you perceive all of your unreasonable behaviour as him 'having an issue'. He has a lot more patience than me because I wouldn't put up with that. 😬

You suspect your DH of having ADHD but you don’t seem to cut him any slack for having it. It seems like one way traffic. You need things to be arranged for you but you make no concessions for anyone else.

That's a really good observation.

That's just not true.

Wtf?

Or, indeed, leave the room like most people would do

Overreaction man

Well spotted! This small detail really highlights the problem with OP’s attitude.

Look I accuse my husband of having ASD often.lol and he rightly so pointed out that something I do when upset is autistic.lol In our house we have multiply diagnosed kids they got it somewhere. It isn't an insult here but you talking with your kids about your husband as he is lower because of his ADHD is very off putting and also very mean spirited. You can't regulate yourself at all.

I think you were rude and selfish. He is trying to fix something, in your house, and all you're worried about is temporary noise and your audio comfort.

Not on your side with this one!

I think youre being unreasonable. He wasnt playing on his phone he was watching something on his phone to help fix something for the family.

And tbh i understand why he might find it easier on loud.

I think you could have left the room or house yourself to let him sort it. Or if you were going to stay and wanted to ask you could have preface it with some kinda gratitude or recognition it was for fixing something in the house.

If I was watching something to do a home repair and asked how long id be, I would feel like my effort was just an inconvenience to you.

I know youve explained here your feel your autism makes that difficult, and you need to know to manage your own feelings but unless you say that to him he might just feel dismissed

That’s certainly my interpretation. And OP obliviousness/refusal to acknowledge her part in the situation.

Beside the point but why did he say it would probably be a year before you go out? Do you not leave the house? Does he ever get time at home by himself?

I think you should have left him to it, sorry but fixing something can be stressful and if he struggles with focus, stopping to put headphones on etc. might make him lose it. For me personally, I'd hate having someone in the same room as me whilst fixing something and then making comments. He could not leave the room (as he needed to be there to fix the thing) whereas you could have left.

Re: Venice, you were together which means you both got lost together. Even if you had given him the responsibility of reading the map, that is on you too. It should now be something you can laugh about ('god do you remember when we got lost in Venice and I got upset and you stormed off. We were bonkers, ha ha') not something you hold against him for years.

If you’d listened for a couple of seconds surely you would have realised it was an instruction video about fixing the media centre. I don’t think he’s unreasonable to play a video while trying to fix something without going to get his headphones first.

The Venice story is also raising questions. It’s common to get lost in new places. Why was it his sole responsibility to find the way? Also, I’d say it’s normal to get hot and bothered on holiday and have the occasional silly argument.

You got frustrated when he got you both lost?

Honestly, you both sound as bad as each other.

Why can’t you go and get ear plugs whilst he uses a video to try to fix something for the household?

For once I’m on the bloke’s side here

Why not just leave the room while he's watching it? He wasn't deliberately annoying you he was trying to fix something at least partly for your benefit.

A strop? He uses it as an excuse to quit the job and possible benefit is that next time you won’t say anything as you will want him to do the job.

I hope all ASD parents take note of this. PLEASE teach your ASD to be exposed to situations they don't like and find coping mechanisms for them. It takes time but so worth it.

You both sound quite intolerant tbh. You both found each other’s behaviour irritating in that scenario.

Also adhd isn’t someone you “are” or would “be”. It’s something you have would “have”.

I think it’s called “storm in a teacup”