What is this kind of overreaction from DH called?

[Malinia]

DH does this kind of thing a lot but I'm not sure what it's called.

Today he was trying to fix something with our media centre, and then after a while was in his phone. He started watching a video with sound on, which he knows me and DD find annoying (we are both autistic) so I said "what are you doing?". He said "watching a video to fix this" so I asked how long it was. He then said "I can do it when you go out, probably next year" and turned it off huffily. I replied "or you could wear headphones".

But what's this called? It's so irritating when he overreacts like this. I didn't tell him to stop watching it, I just wanted to know how long it was going to go on for so I could manage it.

I hate it when he behaves like this as it feels manipulative somehow.

You might think you sounded neutral and reasonable but I think you might have sounded controlling or nagging.

”What are you doing?” is quite aggressive and comes across as critical. It’s not a curious “oh, what are you doing that looks like fun can I join in” it’s implicitly saying “why aren’t you doing the thing you’re supposed to be doing?”

My teen dd knows that I say “what are you doing?” when I mean “why aren’t you finishing your homework/ tidying your room like I asked you to”. I’m not genuinely interested in what she is doing.

Then to follow up with a question about how long the video will last would make me sigh too. A diy video will be something like 3 to 20mins.

I think you could find better ways to have these conversations.

Yep, sounds like she and her dd have one of those weird relationships where they gang up and be horrible about dh so she thought she’d get the same praise and agreement from mn!
He started watching a video with sound on, which he knows me and DD find annoying (we are both autistic). Right so what you and dd say goes?
We have a general rule that if you want to watch something on a device that isn't the TV, you wear headphones whose rule? Yours and dd?
We think he is ADHD. He is also quite emotionally immature in many ways which didn't become apparent to after we were married (he stormed off from me on our honeymoon because I got frustrated when he got us lost in Venice).
I did share with him some stuff on emotional intelligence back in August after we had a big chat about some of his behaviour, but he "hasn't got around" to reading it yet.
we think?! 🤨
youre quite controlling aren’t you?

It’s called being wound up by his wife over nothing

Sorry but that's your opinion. You don't get to dictate mine.

Only to explain (again) why she's always right & he's always wrong.

So, when you disagree with other people’s opinions that’s just you expressing your opinion, but when someone else disagrees with your opinion that’s them trying to dictate your opinion?

You sound as insufferable as the OP.

You can't always go the extra mile. How many times before has he gone the extra mile? Obviously we don't know because we're not living their lives but it sounds like she thinks it's always him who should accommodate her rather than working out how she could deal with it (like going to a different room).
I have two autistic children and of course I make allowances and adjustments for them but sometimes they have to be in a less than ideal situation for a little while. It's called family life

Or if he's like me he might have needed to watch it more than once!

good grief. You didn't need to ask a million questions, a straight "Sorry love, but could you put your headphone on please, i'm struggling with the noise of that today" would suffice.

You don't need to 'gather information' you just need to solve the immediate problem, the noise.

Well done OP. Now it's unlikely he will bother fixing anything.

This

If it’s a stressful job and he’s unsure how to do it, then he should have the freedom to get the information in a way which suits him.
OP you were wrong here

But it's okay for you to dictate that OP's husband "needs to go an extra mile" just because his wife and daughter have autism?

Make it make sense 😂

But the OP suspects her DH has ADHD, so doesn’t she need to go the extra mile for him, too? Why does her neurodivergence trump his?

Well, exactly.

In reality, you can't always accommodate someone's sensitivities and sensory struggles (that would be impossible, no matter how much you try) and people with autism/ADHD need to learn to manage their overwhelm without forcing others to change their normal behaviour.

I would absolutely hate having to wear headphones for everything I wanted to watch or listen to. Especially while watching TV, I like to lay on my side which wouldn't be easy to do or the best sound quality having an earpiece only on one ear. I also don't like not being able to hear anything else that is going on around me while headphones are on - I prefer to be fully aware of my surroundings.

Having autism does not give you a free pass to dictate how everyone else behaves in the home and create a bunch of rules for everyone.

If you're the one with the sound sensitivity, then maybe you should consider walking around all day with noise canceling head phones or have them handy in case sounds start bothering you. You say you don't see why you should have to wear headphones...but frankly I don't see why only he should. The person with the issue should be trying to resolve it for themself...not trying to simply control everyone around them.

You are being extremely unreasonable.

Also...your DH should be able to complete tasks uninterrupted, whether they are task for himself only or tasks that benefit the family. You trying to ask how long he will be instead of simply leaving the room or putting your own headphones on is unnecessary and irritating.

It’s inconsiderate and then defensive because he knows he’s in the wrong. BTW I’m not autistic and it drives me to distraction when my husband listens to his phone while I’m watching tv. It’s the height of rudeness. Strangely he never did it before we got married .

He’s in the wrong? Because of not following the arbitrary “rules” as defined by op?

I wonder if he is expected to be the one to make allowances for your autism. Without the reality that you need to make allowances at times. This is one where I think you were in the wrong.

If he knows his wife has autism and it bothers her, yes.

What makes you think she's watching TV?!

And if she’s bothering him?

Why do her needs trump his?

And “because she’s autistic” isn’t a reason.

But the OP thinks her husband has ADHD. So concessions should be made for her neurodivergence and not his?

Surely it’s just a human trait to dislike sound in videos, rather than an autistic one?

Sure, but if you’re using a YouTube video to figure out how to do some DIY project, it’s kind of useful.

I had to put a new lawnmower together last weekend, with the usual crappy line drawing instructions. I was nearly in tears with gratitude at some wee bald man on YouTube demonstrating step by step how to do it…