What is this kind of overreaction from DH called?

[Malinia]

DH does this kind of thing a lot but I'm not sure what it's called.

Today he was trying to fix something with our media centre, and then after a while was in his phone. He started watching a video with sound on, which he knows me and DD find annoying (we are both autistic) so I said "what are you doing?". He said "watching a video to fix this" so I asked how long it was. He then said "I can do it when you go out, probably next year" and turned it off huffily. I replied "or you could wear headphones".

But what's this called? It's so irritating when he overreacts like this. I didn't tell him to stop watching it, I just wanted to know how long it was going to go on for so I could manage it.

I hate it when he behaves like this as it feels manipulative somehow.

I came here to say the same. I think opting to leave the room would’ve been rather more sensible, and less dramatic, than asking questions about what he was doing and why and for how long etc etc. One answer was sufficient, it’s to help him fix the media centre (one minute ‘ours’ and the next ‘his’ so probably at least some benefit to you too).

Didn't either of you have the sense to use a map in a strange town abroad? Why was it only his fault, you both got lost. And a honeymoon is meant to be a romantic adventure, getting frustrated about something as trivial as getting a bit lost does not bode well.

Why should he read a load of crap about emotional intelligence, if you don't like some things he does discuss them and find some compromises, don't go off on some psychological crusade.

To be fair, if someone shared some reading material about my emotional intelligence, or perceived lack thereof, choosing to simply not read it seems quite a measured response really 😂

Why do you need a name for it? It sounds as if you're not getting on but really, this is just trivial bickering.

But he has to wear headphones because apparently you can't stand hearing sound from his phone? Yet now you're complaining about him wearing headphones? Seems he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

OP if you had posted that you had silently stood up and left the room when he came in watching a video, you'd have been told that was dramatic and passive-aggressive.

If you had walked out while saying "I'm going to the kitchen because I can't concentrate with that video going" you'd have been told you were passive- aggressive.

If you had stayed there even though you found the noise irritating you would have been called a martyr and a walkover.

OP if you had posted that you had silently stood up and left the room when he came in watching a video, you'd have been told that was dramatic and passive-aggressive.

Poppycock. Everyone here is agreeing that’s exactly what she should have done.

Bloody hell, you sound irritating.
If the video was that loud that you could hear it and it was annoying you, you must have been able to hear that it was an instruction video surely?
You moan that he didn’t wear earphones and then moaned that he listens to music with them in and you can’t communicate with him. He can’t bloody win!
Maybe he ‘stormed’ off because he’s sick of your nit-picking?

He’s trying to fix something and needs to watch a video in order to be able to do so.

If it was annoying you, why didn’t you leave the room and give him the space and opportunity to fix whatever needed fixing?

Posters will defend you as a woman because that’s how it is on MN but you’re in the wrong here.

And just because you’ve got autism, it doesn’t automatically compute that you’d find this annoying. I have 2 children with autism and this wouldn’t bother them. So what you should’ve said is that I personally find the noise of videos really irritating. Stop using your disability to control the show.

You should have got up and left. And moaning that he wears headphones in the house when thats the only way he is allowed to listen to music is ridiculous. Giving him reading material for his emotional intelligence all sounds like hes the one who has the problem and you can do no wrong. You sound like hard work im not suprised he gets short and snappy with you

This to be honest.

This 100%

Yabu. It’s his home too and he wanted to fix his media centre which is reasonable . He doesn’t have to wear headphones all the time but even that annoys you as you ‘can’t communicate’ with him. you sound hard work and a bit of a nag tbh

Does your house only have one room?

This isn’t the AIBU board. It’s a board called ‘Relationships’.

The OP seems to have left round about early evening yesterday after a series of AIBU-style replies, unfortunately.

That's my point!

Yet if the OP had originally posted to say "I stood up and silently walked out of the room" everyone would have said that was p-a, and she should have just talked to your partner and asked a simple question, because on MN people automatically disagree with the OP then look for reasons why they are wrong.

Me too! Wouldn’t think of getting headphones if it’s a YouTube vid for a job I’m doing. Would definitely get them for an hour long podcast though.

I'm autistic and I wouldn't get worked up by this. You knew he was fixing something and checking how to do it on youtube (I do this quite often) just walk out of the room and leave him to it?

Your h perceived your question as veiled criticism and an attempt to control his behaviour.

You looked for a word, here is one, Reactance. It's a perceived Threat to Autonomy. He felt monitored and his freedom to do what he wanted to do was being judged and controlled. So he responded by shutting down the activity entirely in an exaggerated way to prove he has the power to do what he wants (the "fine, I just won't do it at all" response). He is under your thumb but still has the gumption to fight it. How much longer though?

Did you and him know you are autistic before you married?

This. You would really piss me off. You could have removed yourself from the situation.

If he wasn't doing the task at all, you would be moaning too I guess.

If you have this a lot, you need to seek counselling.

ND woman married to an ND man here. You both sound like you communicate appallingly and don't like each other very much.

You didn't mean "what are you doing?", you meant "you watching that video without headphones is causing me to become overwhelmed, would it be ok if you put your headphones in please?". So why didn't you ask that?

Equally, he should know if that's something that causes you issues and he should want to avoid doing it rather than getting snippy with you.

It’s worth reflecting on your own behaviours.
You do sound very intolerant.

Him trying to fix something with the aid of utube with the volume on, wouldn’t be a problem for most people under those circumstances.

That's fair enough but why should the h never watch a video quickly without headphones on in his own home? It's as if he's a prisoner or a slave. Why can't OP leave the room if she sees that her h is busy fixing something.

I'd say he's done nothing wrong, but you have.
It's must be extremely hard to live with for him.
He's literally trying to fix something in the home and you're questioning him about how long it takes to watch - he knows you're insinuating him to wear headphones, which he should not have to do.

you should have left the room and let him get on with fixing whatever it was. He doesn't need someone hanging around pressuring him.