Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is this kind of overreaction from DH called?

279 replies

Malinia · 03/05/2026 17:19

DH does this kind of thing a lot but I'm not sure what it's called.

Today he was trying to fix something with our media centre, and then after a while was in his phone. He started watching a video with sound on, which he knows me and DD find annoying (we are both autistic) so I said "what are you doing?". He said "watching a video to fix this" so I asked how long it was. He then said "I can do it when you go out, probably next year" and turned it off huffily. I replied "or you could wear headphones".

But what's this called? It's so irritating when he overreacts like this. I didn't tell him to stop watching it, I just wanted to know how long it was going to go on for so I could manage it.

I hate it when he behaves like this as it feels manipulative somehow.

OP posts:
FernsInValley · 04/05/2026 02:19

Put your own headphones on or go elsewhere. Solve your problem yourself. This isn't an issue worth bickering about.

Candy24 · 04/05/2026 03:12

Coffeeblanketandabookplz · 03/05/2026 17:43

Well it depends where on the spectrum you are, my son is diagnosed Asd and he absolutely understands sarcasm and knows how to make a passive aggressive comment.

Show quote history

yep same with mine.lol He actually has a masters degree on it.....lol

Candy24 · 04/05/2026 03:15

So sorry OP but you are 100% the problem here in this situation. He was quietly and happily doing something and you came to complain. Although you have autism and things annoy you doesn't mean everyone needs to stop doing things so you don't experience that feeling. IF you experience that feeling it is probably a good thing for you to start working on it. As I don't let my ASD children just go well that annoys me so it must stop. The feelings they feel are valid but we do exposure therapy to make sure they can cope in the real world.

fabstraction · 04/05/2026 03:18

You both sound immature and frustrating, tbh. You could have just left the room or put in headphones of your own to drown out the sound. He overreacted, but if you're frequently annoyed with him for things like this (wearing or not wearing headphones, depending on the situation and your interpretation), it's not surprising that he 'goes off' over what seem like little things.

You both need to learn how to share space without either pecking or blowing up at one another.

Wordsmithery · 04/05/2026 03:26

Seems to me that you've drawn battle lines within the family.
You and your child have diagnosed DH as ADHD. Don't know how old DC is but is it appropriate to talk about your DH with them in this way?
You expect your DH to make adjustments for your neurodiversity but resent him having ADHD.
None of this sounds very fair to your DH.
That's how it reads to me anyway.

SheSaidHummingbird · 04/05/2026 03:46

Media centre? Wtf? Well, aren't we fancy.

rwalker · 04/05/2026 03:54

Your question would of pissed me off and it’s passive aggressive
it was obvious he was watching a video

if you don’t like the sound just say no matter what he was doing the sound is the problem

sunshinestar1986 · 04/05/2026 03:58

Malinia · 03/05/2026 17:19

DH does this kind of thing a lot but I'm not sure what it's called.

Today he was trying to fix something with our media centre, and then after a while was in his phone. He started watching a video with sound on, which he knows me and DD find annoying (we are both autistic) so I said "what are you doing?". He said "watching a video to fix this" so I asked how long it was. He then said "I can do it when you go out, probably next year" and turned it off huffily. I replied "or you could wear headphones".

But what's this called? It's so irritating when he overreacts like this. I didn't tell him to stop watching it, I just wanted to know how long it was going to go on for so I could manage it.

I hate it when he behaves like this as it feels manipulative somehow.

Does he always have to accommodate you?
Do you think that's fair?
Why don't you leave the room sometimes too?

Walkden · 04/05/2026 04:26

"I did share with him some stuff on emotional intelligence back in August after we had a big chat about some of his behaviour"

This comes across as rather ironic, given how you treat your DH.

CypressGrove · 04/05/2026 04:27

I like how you have decided it's an overreaction. I'd just call it 'fed-up-ness' because he is clearly fed up with you questioning him when he's trying to fix something, which many of us can relate to.

SingedSoul · 04/05/2026 04:43

TomatoSandwiches · 03/05/2026 17:31

It's passive aggression in reaction to a percieved criticism, essentially he knows you don't like it but couldn't give a fuck and thinks you should put up with this noise because

" He big man, big man fixing thing, fixing thing make him more important than you, why you not telling him WOW thank you big man you the best "

Or he was just watching a video to try and fix something.

This was speculative and a pretty strong reaction to something, sounds a bit misandristical.

ThreeDeafMice · 04/05/2026 04:52

I love this kind of thread. For all our problems, it makes my family look fantastic.

Life is too short to waste being annoyed with people for not knowing their way around Venice (fuck me how long are you going to hold that over him?) or for whatever stupid reason he’s mad at you. Both of you should do each other a favour and LTB. Go and find some people to share your lives with whose company you actually enjoy.

If it’s really that hard to be nice to someone, or about someone - they’re not for you.

canklesmctacotits · 04/05/2026 05:02

Venice is notoriously ridiculous to navigate, that’s half the attraction of it. Even if you tried to work it out, you failed because he had to take over. So he did, and like many if not most people he got confused … and you had a go at him? On your and his honeymoon?! To the extent he had to leave? And YOU are mad with HIM??! And have given him reading materials on emotional intelligence after a big chat about HIS behaviours??!

Fuck me. Autism or not, he has the patience of a saint. Being autistic doesn’t give you the right to treat someone this way. It really doesn’t.

Candy24 · 04/05/2026 05:28

Malinia · 03/05/2026 17:32

We think he is ADHD. He is also quite emotionally immature in many ways which didn't become apparent to after we were married (he stormed off from me on our honeymoon because I got frustrated when he got us lost in Venice).

I did share with him some stuff on emotional intelligence back in August after we had a big chat about some of his behaviour, but he "hasn't got around" to reading it yet.

Edited
Show quote history

You sound insufferable honestly your husband is probably done with it. Just reading this upsets me

RedTagAlan · 04/05/2026 05:30

I am surprised that nobody has mentioned that the OP actually posted this here. And then a drip feed started to argue against some posts that were not in agreement. Seeking confirmation thread ?

Fixing things can be a challenge. Even for professionals who know exactly what they are doing. People fixing things are really best left alone to get on with it. If they want help, they will ask.

But not only does the OP appear not to understand that fixing things can be frustrating, they posted here to seek confirmation that the fixer was in the wrong for being snippy when being hassled.

Just leave the fixer to fix. It's a media center. It's not as if he was stripping a motorbike engine in the kitchen.

Chocolatefreak · 04/05/2026 05:45

MermaidsSideEye · 03/05/2026 17:30

I don’t think it’s in the least unreasonable of him to watch a video with the sound on if he’s trying to figure out a way to fix a household appliance, which is presumably used by everyone. I’d expect him to get headphones if it was something he was watching for pleasure, but not in this kind of scenario, where the video is presumably short and needed for something practical and time-sensitive.

This

WalterMittysPuppet · 04/05/2026 05:53

Man annoys woman, woman makes passive aggressive comment about it, man interprets comment and makes sarcastic remark in response. The end. You don't have to analyse, list or label all of his quirks or yours when you get frustrated, it's just life.

I get that in the moment you're irritated and trying to manage it, but that's what he is doing too. If you love each other and genuinely have a happy marriage, let it go. If you're not happy, maybe this is just a symptom of something much bigger going awry in the relationship.

HelmholtzWatson · 04/05/2026 06:06

pinkdelight · 03/05/2026 17:31

I dunno what it’s called but I’d call your questions passive aggressive. You know what he’s doing and aren’t interested in managing it. What you really mean is stop doing that, but he’s trying to fix something that needs fixing so needs to watch it. If it annoys you, leave the room rather than pick an argument. It’s not like he’s watching it for fun. Sounds like you get on each other’s nerves but you think being ND trumps everything rather than leaving him to it and giving each other space.

Exactly this.

HelmholtzWatson · 04/05/2026 06:21

FettchYeSandbagges · 03/05/2026 17:42

People with autism do not generally make passive aggressive digs, that is not how their minds work. The OP asked a specific question and wanted a specific answer so she could better manage her sensory issues.

Show quote history

So on one hand autism is on a spectrum, but on the other hand people with/without autism brain's do/do not work in a certain way.

Sounds a bit contradictory. In reality, people with autism can still be dickheads, and this can be completely independent of their condition.

gerispringer · 04/05/2026 06:22

What would be your response if he said “10 minutes” in answer to your question? Would you have then gone off on insisting he wear headphones? Poor chap. I agree with others who said you should leave the room to “ manage” your dislike of video noise in this scenario. Sounds like you’re over critical of him.

tpintheft · 04/05/2026 06:26

BauhausOfEliott · 03/05/2026 17:41

I don’t think he’s the one at fault here. My guess is that your ‘sensory issues’ make you a bit tricky to live with if you nitpick at him every time he makes a small noise you don’t like. I’d find you irritating.

This ☕

My dh can be irritating but I know not to control him, there needs to be a balance. Why should your need for minor noise trump his wish to watch the video as is. What you did was controlling: if he does something that is beneficial for you, you put up with the noise, if the sound is to please himself, you expect him to wear headphones. You could have easily left the room. Not always but some of the time.

Your dh is a saint.

Witchonenowbob · 04/05/2026 06:27

Malinia · 03/05/2026 17:36

See my previous reply I didn't know what he was doing. It was highly likely he was just watching something random on his phone having given up on fixing the media centre (which is actually his toy and not something I use at all, and I wouldn't choose to have it. It's his thing). I want being passive aggressive I was trying to gather information.

Show quote history

It was our media centre on the first post? What changed?

YABU

Ultraalox · 04/05/2026 06:29

Honestly I think next time shut to door and let him crack on.

Witchonenowbob · 04/05/2026 06:30

Malinia · 03/05/2026 17:32

We think he is ADHD. He is also quite emotionally immature in many ways which didn't become apparent to after we were married (he stormed off from me on our honeymoon because I got frustrated when he got us lost in Venice).

I did share with him some stuff on emotional intelligence back in August after we had a big chat about some of his behaviour, but he "hasn't got around" to reading it yet.

Edited
Show quote history

You have a huge blame issue, why weren’t you aware of the directions in Venice? Do you delegate responsibility for everything (so therefore can’t get it wrong) then moan when it doesn’t work out?

Divebar2021 · 04/05/2026 06:32

I teach sessions to adults online. Recently I had a student say to me that he had autism. Fine no problem. He then made an interesting comment that implied he might struggle with an aspect that everyone else would be fine with. He didn’t know that anyone else would be fine with it because he didn’t know them and he didn’t know if any of them were also ND but there was an assumption. I thought it was interesting.

You suspect your DH of having ADHD but you don’t seem to cut him any slack for having it. It seems like one way traffic. You need things to be arranged for you but you make no concessions for anyone else. When you asked “ what are you doing” did you genuinely not know ? Perhaps you could have asked how long it was going to take and then moved to a different part of the house if he didn’t know. It’s ok to want to fix things - even his media centre that you don’t use.