What is this kind of overreaction from DH called?

[Malinia]

DH does this kind of thing a lot but I'm not sure what it's called.

Today he was trying to fix something with our media centre, and then after a while was in his phone. He started watching a video with sound on, which he knows me and DD find annoying (we are both autistic) so I said "what are you doing?". He said "watching a video to fix this" so I asked how long it was. He then said "I can do it when you go out, probably next year" and turned it off huffily. I replied "or you could wear headphones".

But what's this called? It's so irritating when he overreacts like this. I didn't tell him to stop watching it, I just wanted to know how long it was going to go on for so I could manage it.

I hate it when he behaves like this as it feels manipulative somehow.

He's probably massively wishing you were more empathetic and read the room more. He was trying to fix your media centre so why not say something encouraging? 'Have you found a good video'? Or 'thanks for getting started' or would you like a cuppa.

Your manner and tone sound depleting and emotionally ungenerous for the poor man.

You could have just asked him to wear headphones if that's the agreement in your home.

It's called 'trying to fix something by looking at a video on the internet'. If it annoys you so much leave the room, or you wear the earphones to block out the noise. Failing that, you fix the media centre yourself.

You’d annoy me too. In my mind, your ‘how long is this video’ is basically screaming ‘turn it off, I can’t cope’ and this is why he’s pissed off. He’s trying to fix something that is hard and you can bugger off of you’re overwhelmed. If your autism means you can’t cope with a video and noise, where’s your headphones.
I get frustrated when my other half (who is suspected autistic) gets overwhelmed when I talk and the tv is also on. They put on a face then gesture wildly at the tv and their ears like ‘two sources of noise, I can’t!’. This pisses me off because they don’t bother their arse to reach for the remote themselves. They gesticulate dramatically with overwhelming and it really is like a rejection.
Go get your headphones and next time don’t ask.

I did share with him some stuff on emotional intelligence back in August after we had a big chat about some of his behaviour, but he "hasn't got around" to reading it yet.
Would you like him giving you reading material like this? Op there doesn’t need to be a name for everything, ye just had a disagreement!

With the update "it's his media centre" so you are not really benefiting from what he's doing, I must say you sound like you don't like the man much.

We get it marriage can be tedious at times. But I bet your dh feels emotionally sidelined.

It's not called anything, oh wait it's called being a human being. You are trying to label and package his personal expressions as if they were some specimen to file away. It almost sounds like you want people to say he is being abusive. When actually what you're doing sounds controlling.

Frankly, I am getting sensory issues reading this thread. The objectifying lack of empathy and controlling family members for one person's comfort is giving me the chills. Your marriage does not sound equal. I am team husband.

Well he could be on here asking 'what's it called when dw asks seemingly innocent questions but is actually communicating to me how annoying my behaviour is and she wants me to stop it'. The answers might be something like passive aggressive or indirect communication. Your own communications wouldn't be so annoying if you owned your own annoyance a bit more eg 'turn that bloody video off'. Or even better, you owned the fact that it is you who finds it annoying and so you could have gone to fetch your headphones. What you describe in your op is a two way dynamic that you are part of. And it's very annoying that you seem to think it's all about him.

Poor bloke. Your marriage sounds unbearable. The fact that you are still harking back to some incident on your honeymoon that sounds like it should just have been laughed off speaks volumes. In his shoes I’d be planning to leave.

You got frustrated because HE got you lost in Venice? You were there together, so you could have helped navigate around Venice! And by the way everyone gets lost in Venice, because of the number of lagoons and small streets even the maps aren’t accurate, you just jump on a vaperetta and it will take you to your starting point!

My ds with misaphonia sometimes expects me to stop eating in the sitting room when the sound of it annoys him. My response is, that what I’m doing is very normal and if he has a problem with it, he should move room.
If you know your reactions are not typical then you can’t expect the world to revolve round you. Sometimes yes, always no.

Same here. If you don’t like the YouTube video noise just go to another part of the house

Quite. Not everything needs a medicalised label.

Personally I’m team DH here and think you were rude and DH wasn’t unreasonable to be irritated.

Do you even like him?

I think it's reasonable to watch a video when trying to fix something you all use . Why should he have to wear headphones ?

What the fuck does this mean?

You were wrong here OP, he was watching a video to fix something. You should have managed your reaction better by leaving the area while the video was on.

I’m confused. It’s not like he was sitting there watching Tiktoks on full blast .. he’s watching an instructions video to fix something in the house? Why should he have to wear headphones for that?

So being irritable is now re-branded as ‘sensory-issues’?

Couples irritate each other all the time. Nothing to see here OP. Perfectly normal behaviour. No need for a label.

Everything about every response you've given on this thread screams passive aggressive. You can't see it, but it's very evident.

I think you need to look at yourself instead of trying to find out what is wrong with your husband. It’s his home, too, and he’s allowed to watch a video. Depending on the situation, a polite ‘would you mind wearing headphones’ MIGHT be reasonable (although I’d not appreciate not being able to make any noise in my own home ever, but I’d be considerate where I can), but anything else and passive aggressive ‘how long does this take’ is definitely not. You could have left the room if it was bothering so much?

You: “What are you doing?”
Him: “Watching a video to fix this”
You: “Thanks for doing that. Let me know if I can help “
leave room

This. All day long.

Just use another room until he’s done. In his shoes I’d feel this living situation is becoming unbearable.

Indeed. ALL you did! 🤣You are passive aggressive and controlling. DH was being helpful in trying to fix something. If you don't like the noise, leave the room