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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling more like a carer than a partner after nine years

237 replies

Dogbestfreinds · 02/05/2026 13:22

Not sure where to begin but I need help.
Im 34 bf 42.
Been in a relationship for 9years, the past 4 years have been rough, my bf is an alcoholic, I didn’t know this when we first met but it became clear as the relationship went on.
I feel like he relies heavily on me, I take him shopping, sort out appointments, pick up his medications, borrow him money, visit him nearly every day (when I don’t he gets moody).

we don’t live together, never have dates, he sits and games from finishing work to going to bed this is the same all weekend to. If I mention about doing anything he isn’t interested or everything boils down to money.
Hes spend over £3000 on a gaming rig when he knows his house needs repairs.
over the past few months he’s been lending nearly £300 every month, If I don’t have it he gets upset, he doesn’t borrow all at once it’s in dribs and drabs. Then he makes jokes about having to pay me back when we’re in a relationship.

He only calls me when I’m upset or he wants something. He doesn’t visit me cause at my house he’s bored (he has no way of gaming). He’s made comments like ‘I hope you crash your car’ then said he was joking.
I used to go and clean his home but I’ve stopped doing that now cause it’s never kept clean he doesn’t care about it so why should I.

I feel more like his carer than his partner and if I’m honest I don’t want this for the rest of my life but I feel eaten up by anxiety when I think about ending it.

ive also never ended a relationship before, sounds stupid but I don’t even know how to.
my family can see I’m unhappy, and I know I am, but every time I think of leaving I get this awful feeling of guilt. He has no parents, his parents have passed away, he has two children 17 & 22. 17year old lives with him, he’s followed in dad’s footsteps and drinking. 22year old barely has contact.

I think I’m a little lost right now, everyone around me is getting married, having family holidays and we’ve never in 9years done anything like that.
has anyone else been or going through the same thing?

OP posts:
ThePM · 02/05/2026 13:24

Just bin him. He’s a loser

Bonbon21 · 02/05/2026 13:28

You deserve more than this.
Take back your life, end the relationship and work on your self esteem. Get counselling and raise the bar.
Don't allow anyone in your life who doesn't enhance it.
But first of all stop giving him money.. he is not your responsibility.

Uricon2 · 02/05/2026 13:30

What precisely do you get out of a relationship with this sponging loser?

Pinkissmart · 02/05/2026 13:37

Dump him. It’s easy

DelphiniumBlue · 02/05/2026 13:44

You are 34. Your Dp has had a family. You are young enough to find a better quality guy and have your own family, if that's what you want to do. If having children is on your agenda at all, you need to start thinking about how this will happen. You certainly don't want to stay with DP for another 5 years and then realise that it's getting to be too late.
Maybe children are not on your list of things to do, but think about what a nice, interesting life you could have if you weren't burdened with this useless guy. You'd have more money, more time and energy, and more fun. You won't meet anyone else while you are spending all your time running around after DP, but just think, you could be with someone who cares about, you who has interests you could share. Or you could be by yourself, following your own ideas and dreams, taking up new hobbies and and making new friends. It sounds like DP is contributing nothing to your happiness, and you don't owe him anything. You're not his mum, why would you even get involved with sorting out his medication/appointments/shopping?
You can just tell him that it's not working for you, so you're calling it a day. And that's it. You can wait till next time he goes "moody" on you, or next time he ignores you while you are at his place, if you feel you'll need a reason. Then just say, " you know what, this isn't for me. I'm not getting what I need from this relationship. Bye" Then pick up your bag and walk out that door. You don't have to have a long discussion, or convince him to agree your decision. You just announce it and go. If you try to have a conversation, he will probably try to get you to justify yourself, or get nasty, so keep it short and then leave.

Nosdacariad · 02/05/2026 13:47

You're in a great position, you have your own place and an instant £300 a month pay rise when you leave.
You don't need to give him a reason x

bellocchild · 02/05/2026 13:52

I think you are technically 'enabling' his behaviour and lifestyle. It would be better for you both if you broke up with him - you could tell him this.

Original poster
Dogbestfreinds · 02/05/2026 13:52

DelphiniumBlue · 02/05/2026 13:44

You are 34. Your Dp has had a family. You are young enough to find a better quality guy and have your own family, if that's what you want to do. If having children is on your agenda at all, you need to start thinking about how this will happen. You certainly don't want to stay with DP for another 5 years and then realise that it's getting to be too late.
Maybe children are not on your list of things to do, but think about what a nice, interesting life you could have if you weren't burdened with this useless guy. You'd have more money, more time and energy, and more fun. You won't meet anyone else while you are spending all your time running around after DP, but just think, you could be with someone who cares about, you who has interests you could share. Or you could be by yourself, following your own ideas and dreams, taking up new hobbies and and making new friends. It sounds like DP is contributing nothing to your happiness, and you don't owe him anything. You're not his mum, why would you even get involved with sorting out his medication/appointments/shopping?
You can just tell him that it's not working for you, so you're calling it a day. And that's it. You can wait till next time he goes "moody" on you, or next time he ignores you while you are at his place, if you feel you'll need a reason. Then just say, " you know what, this isn't for me. I'm not getting what I need from this relationship. Bye" Then pick up your bag and walk out that door. You don't have to have a long discussion, or convince him to agree your decision. You just announce it and go. If you try to have a conversation, he will probably try to get you to justify yourself, or get nasty, so keep it short and then leave.

I needed to hear this, thankyou so much. You are absolutely right

OP posts:
Original poster
Dogbestfreinds · 02/05/2026 13:53

Bonbon21 · 02/05/2026 13:28

You deserve more than this.
Take back your life, end the relationship and work on your self esteem. Get counselling and raise the bar.
Don't allow anyone in your life who doesn't enhance it.
But first of all stop giving him money.. he is not your responsibility.

Your right he’s not, thankyou for this

OP posts:
Original poster
Dogbestfreinds · 02/05/2026 13:53

bellocchild · 02/05/2026 13:52

I think you are technically 'enabling' his behaviour and lifestyle. It would be better for you both if you broke up with him - you could tell him this.

I’ve thought this as well 100%

OP posts:
Seelybe · 02/05/2026 13:56

@Dogbestfreinds as is so often the case, just read back over your post.
You've waster between 4 and 9 years of your life already with someone who detracts from your life.
If you don't want to speak to him, send a message saying you're done with this dysfunctional relationship then block his number.
You seriously need to move on, he clearly doesn't care about you at all other than as his personal bank.

TemperanceWest · 02/05/2026 13:56

If you head over to the alcohol support board there is a thread for people in relationships with alcoholics. I think you would find it really helpful. Good luck!

GCAcademic · 02/05/2026 13:58

You don’t owe anyone the rest of your life so there is no rational reason to feel guilty. And I agree that you are enabling his behaviour. Would you say that you have low self esteem? That is what seems to be jumping out of your post. It may be worth looking into therapy to understand why you have such a low bar when it comes to a partner’s behaviour (not that this man can be described as a partner). Do you want to have children of your own?

RaininSummer · 02/05/2026 13:58

Hoorah. Glad you are hearing this. Go grab you life back.

LizzieSiddal · 02/05/2026 13:59

Please don’t waste your life on this man. You have every right to be happy and he is not doing that, things will only get worse as he slides deeper into his addictions- gaming and alcohol.
You mustn’t feel guilty, it really is not your responsibility to sort him out, it takes professional help to stop these kind of dependencies.

Just tell him the relationship it isn’t working and you are ending it now.

PashaMinaMio · 02/05/2026 13:59

Walk away.
Walk away this weekend.

Your work is done. This relationship season has ended. Stop wasting your life with an ignorant user.

Spring is here, warmer days are coming.
Get yourself out of this toxic life style.

Come on girl, wake up! Stay strong.

Crollaspita · 02/05/2026 14:01

Everyone’s said it all already but yes this guy is awful, dump him and move on!

Whether that will lead to a new and better man, or having kids or you just end up enjoying a peaceful single life it will be much better than the present situation.

This man is using you, you are not his carer but his enabler. If he wants to drink and game himself to an early grave or ill-health that’s up to him but don’t participate or make it easier for him.

Are you from a close family? Do you have good friendships? Has no-one ever asked you why you’re with him?

I would also consider investing into some kind of therapy with the money you are going to save by leaving him. Or look into reading some books around topics such as self-esteem, relationships and people pleasing.

Because while I get that you didn’t immediately know he was an alcoholic it’s worrying that at age 25 you did stick around with someone like this for so long.

If you don’t look into the root of this, you may repeat the pattern in future relationships/friendships.

ConstitutionHill · 02/05/2026 14:01

Misplaced guilt is like a hidden plague, affecting mainly women!

OP. You are in a pretty good position as you don't live with him. This makes it easier. I know what you mean, I remember rehearsing over and over how to dump a BF. You just have to come out with the words, plainly, with no malice, and repeat. Stick to your guns. Remember all the nasty things he has said and all the times he has taken money from you, treating you like a cash cow. How dare he? Find some anger.

once he realises you are serious, be prepared for tears, promises and threats. It's all BS. He's a user. Block him.

Good luck!

DinoLil · 02/05/2026 14:02

How is he lending you £300 a month and why are you borrowing it??

Original poster
Dogbestfreinds · 02/05/2026 14:04

GCAcademic · 02/05/2026 13:58

You don’t owe anyone the rest of your life so there is no rational reason to feel guilty. And I agree that you are enabling his behaviour. Would you say that you have low self esteem? That is what seems to be jumping out of your post. It may be worth looking into therapy to understand why you have such a low bar when it comes to a partner’s behaviour (not that this man can be described as a partner). Do you want to have children of your own?

i would agree I do, not sure if that stems from abandonment in my childhood or being in a domestic violent relationship prior to my current one.

OP posts:
Bluegreenbird · 02/05/2026 14:04

Is this the first time you’ve thought about it? E doubt it. What happened before that made you stay? Make sure that doesn’t happen again.

You owe him NOTHING. He owes you. He will whine and beg. Make sure you’re ready to resist. Start getting ready to end things. At least you don’t live together so should just be a matter of collecting anything you have at his.

You know he doesn’t even like you don’t you? Or he wouldn’t treat you so badly. Doesn’t mean there is anything at all wrong with you. You just picked (or got picked by) a shit man when you were quite young.

Make today the day you made the first step. Good luck.

sesquipedalian · 02/05/2026 14:05

OP, you say to him that the relationship isn’t working for you; that you feel used and taken for granted; that you are not an ATM to fundhis gaming and drinking, and that you are leaving and won’t be coming back because your relationship has run its course. He will be upset and will try to talk you round, so you just say you’ve been thinking about it for a while and you want more out of life than a drone who spends his life gaming. Then go home, change the locks and don’t see him again. You don’t need to feel guilty - heaven knows, you’ve looked after him and bankrolled him and got nothing in return for long enough. It’s time you had some life for yourself, with someone who values you and wants to make YOU happy and wants to take you out and be with you and go on holiday and do normal,things together for the benefit of both of you. Don’t you want your own family, OP? Your “partner” (more like a leech) has children. It’s high time you left and put yourself back out in the world. No guilt needed - what, exactly, does he do for you that you should feel guilty about leaving? If you stay, nothing will change and your life will pass you by. If I were your parents, I’d be beside myself at the way this person is sucking the youth out of you with nothing to show for it. Leave, OP. Do it today, please - and no guilt. You really and truly have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for.

passmeaglass · 02/05/2026 14:05

I left my ex days after turning 35 worried about starting again and I met DH later that year. Leaving a bad relationship was 100% the right thing to do as I was happier on my own than in that relationship and would have been ok had I not met DH. The first few times I did things with friends i got emotional as I felt like I was getting my own life back.

cannynotsay · 02/05/2026 14:07

This was painful to read, why have you stayed with him. Leave him

summitfever · 02/05/2026 14:09

Oh my goodness OP you are the victim of serious financial and emotional abuse here! Laughing that he doesn’t have to pay you back thousands of pounds of YOUR money because you’re in a relationship?????? Whaaaat is this absolute bullshit?? Op PLEEASE! Run for the hills and make some lovely friends and travel the world and find someone who wants to look after you, not the other way around. You’ve both gotten confused between a romantic relationship and a parent child one with you being the parent and him being the manchild. Block this man, he will manipulate you until you take him back if you let him. Never accept this again. Be free, darling lady 🕊️