Partner ignored repeated no during sex and I feel deeply shaken **Content Warning - non-consensual sex"

[Treacletarttt]

Hi,

Me and my partner have been together 3 years, I have two sons from a previous relationship, and he has a daughter. A few nights ago, me and my partner were in bed together, and I’m still coming to terms with what happened.

I rolled over and had begun to fall asleep, whilst he was still on his phone. I then felt him touching me and stroking me. He began to try and perform oral sex, but I told him I was tired and I wasn’t in the mood.

I was in a pretty rubbish mood, I had been arguing with my ex about our children (who were with him at the time), and I’d had a colposcopy procedure that day, so I just wanted to sleep.

My partner carried on, under the covers, I pushed his head away. I said I didn’t want to have sex, I was tired, sore etc. Then he got a little more aggressive and started to have sex. I winced and pushed him out, he stuck it back in. I then pushed him away and said no.

He then thrust his penis in my face and told me to suck it. I moved my face away and said no, and then he shoved it in my mouth. It’s a bit of a blur after that, he grabbed my throat multiple times, and started trying to aggressively try kiss me. He told me to call him by my ex’s name. I said no, and continued saying no to him.

He persisted and repeatedly told me to call him by my ex’s name over and over again (he has asked me to call him by other names during sex in the past), all whilst either trying to kiss me or shoving his penis in my face, he asked me to do anal and I said no, then he tried to stick it up there so I quickly moved. I tried to push him off again but couldn’t and he held my arms down. At that point I just started crying silently… I couldn’t help the tears streaming down my face and just lay there. At that point his was masturbating over my chest. He saw I was crying, and said ‘what’re you crying for, I’ll give you something to fucking cry about’ started trying to aggressively kiss me again, and told me to take his cum in my mouth, I said no moving my face away, he said I’ll do it on your chest then. I said no and tried to move out of the way but he was on top of me and then he ejaculated all over me.

I asked him why he’d done that whilst repeatedly telling him no, went straight to the shower and when I’d finished he was asleep.

I ended up leaving, and the day after, I spoke to him and told him he went too far, but he just responded saying he thought I liked it rough.I feel so confused and vulnerable, I haven’t seen him since, and I know that I need to get out of this relationship now. I just needed somewhere to vent this to someone, as I don’t have many people I can turn to. I’ve just done nothing but sit and think about what happened and replayed it in my head.

Rage sex?? What the hell?
You look after yourself. Yes stay safe.

So sorry this has happened to you. You need to report this man, hopefully they’ll lock him up and he can’t do it to someone else. And his details can go on Claire’s law so another woman can be saved from dating him. And if you haven’t, get a ring doorbell installed.

Be careful OP. Change the locks and try to tell someone in real life what happened to safeguard yourself. A very high percentage of domestic abuse murders take place after the woman has left, when the man knows he is losing control. The can go from no history of physical abuse to murder in a moment.

That message he sent serves two proposes in his mind - 1) to confuse and gaslight you and 2) to provide “evidence” to the police that he “believed” you were consenting if you report him. This is cold, calculating, behaviour and he is a very dangerous man.

Please get some support. You don’t deserve what he did to you, no one does. Well done for leaving him and blocking him - it’s not easy I’m sure. But please don’t let him back into your life or your children’s. Best of luck, OP.

This is horrendous. I am so so sorry. What a vile man. I also think this is evidence even though he thinks he’s covered his back.

He's admitting in that message that he was angry you said no, now he's trying to protect himself and he's angry again that you didn't just let him get away with it and go on as normal. Block him everywhere and go to the police if you feel able, he's a disgusting man who deserves to be punished

This. Print out the messages, or forward them onto your email. I don't know if they could prosecute, but this text along with your account means he would get a good roasting in court.

I’m so sorry. Please please as others have said, report these messages so the police can build a picture. It is so important, as he’s clearly that arrogant he will likely not stop & continue this behaviour with future partners… what a sick disgusting abuser. I hope they throw the book at him.
We are all here & all in total support of you.

Please please stay safe OP

Op I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

These messages are highly abusive and are likely retraumatising. It does not sound safe Op and I hope you know that what he's saying is not true and you did nothing wrong, you did the absolute best you could in the moment to keep yourself safe in a dangerous situation he put you in. If you don't feel ready to report then that's up to you but at the very least take screenshots of all messages and call logs and save them in a folder you don't need to look at. If he continues to escalate then you will want them as evidence. If/ when you decide to use them is up to you. But best to keep a record so you have the option. Do you feel safe where you are at the moment?

Please keep everything that he's sending you, he is dangerous and needs reporting to the police.

Stay safe, OP.

Op. Can you speak to a rape crisis centre for support. They will not push you to report or even to talk about things you don't want to talk about. They are there to support and take some of the pressure off you. They are experienced in dealing with these issues and can advise on how to protect yourself and also how to deal with these messages. If you cant face downloading and saving the messages they will help. Or ask a trusted friend to help you do that and maybe stay with a friend for a few days if that feels safer. So sorry you've had to go through this

OP, I second this suggestion. I really hope you can do this as they are experts in theses issues and provide excellent and non-pressured support.

I am sending you strength OP, I hope you get the courage to talk to your Mum and to the crisis centre, and then police. Stay safe. I'm sorry this happened to you.

He's disgusting. Keep on ignoring he's only digging himself an even bigger hole. He's trying to gaslight you into believing you gave him permission to do all those things to you when your initial post described that you told him no more than once

I'm sorry you are dealing with this, I would keep everything as evidence as he may escalate even further.
I haven't re-read so apologies if mentioned but does he know where you live?

@Treacletarttt

Getting a new phone number is a good idea.

I agree with screenshotting the messages. Make a folder for them and then bury it in your 'documents'. And I agree he 'framed' those messages to make what happened sound like it was consensual, or at worst he 'misread' your 'signals'. Total bullshit and IMHO shows that he knows what he did was rape.

I also agree you need to speak to Rape Crisis. They will not pressure you to report him. But they will help you come to terms with this in the way that works for you.

How are you doing OP?

Hi,

I’ve reached out to rape crisis online, they only had 45 minutes to chat that though. I feel like I’m about to burst into tears at any moment of the day. I haven’t confided in anyone yet. I’ve just tried to carry on with everything as normal. School runs, activities with the kids when I have them etc. I have been visiting my parents when I haven’t got the kids as they live close by and I’m close with them, as a distraction, so I’m not sat overthinking everything.

I feel as though it’s only just hitting me for some reason. I’m so scared to tell anyone. I just keep thinking what if they don’t believe me, or what if it causes more problems?

I’ve had more messages telling me to go back to my ex, accusing me of being pregnant and being told to raise his child with my ex, when I’m certainly not pregnant. My number is being changed, but I just don’t know where to go from here or what to do. I’m struggling with everyday life deep down, because I just keep thinking of that night and how someone who supposedly’loved me’ could do something like that, and not have any remorse whatsoever.

I am so impressed with you. You’re doing it. You’ve got the guts and you’re doing it.

I can't imagine how awful you must feel right now. Added to that all of the messages he is sending. The police will believe you. We all believe you. How many replies have you had here where we all believe you? We are behind you, we want you to recover, gain strength again and get justice. Those messages are all evidence too. Did he do this to his ex-wife? He is sexually aggressive, it's in his nature. I bet this isn't the first time and wont be the last. The police may be able to provide support to you too, it may open doors for related support agencies to help you. You will be stronger in numbers, let your Mum support you. He wants you back to control you and prevent you reporting it. Don't allow that. Thinking of you x

So glad you reached rape crisis OP - sorry they didn't have very long. Did they say they were going to contact you back?

Is there anyone else you think you could speak to? Your gp? You don't even have to tell them whats happened, just that you've had a major trauma and need some support.

It's totally normal and okay to have a delayed reaction like this. You are being so brave in carrying on as you are. You're doing all the right things. I hope you can reconnect to Rape Crisis soon.

I’m so glad you reached out. You’re doing the right thing. I hope you can speak to them again. I hope it might have helped a little. I expect you will go through denial or suppression of what happened at first, to make it easier. I think it will be a protection thing.
I hope you can change your number soon. But I hope you screenshot and save these messages somewhere you don’t have to look at them. One good thing - they keep you strong and stop you thinking he is in any way normal. He’s clearly not.
And remember there are always loads of people on here day and night if you need a shoulder..

Rape crisis gave me some links for support etc. One of which was SARC, but I’m not sure I want an examination. It happened over a week ago now, so I don’t think they would be able to obtain any evidence now. The penetration parts didn’t last very long either, so there wouldn’t be any injuries either.

I have considered the GP, would they be able to refer me for any mental health support with all of this?

I do feel like I’m having a delayed reaction to everything. I’m trying my best to hold it together, but I was taking the kids school this morning and I could feel myself welling up out of the blue, but I managed to pull myself together.

I know from past experience how nasty he can be when things don’t go his way, so I’m worried he’ll make my life hell.

Yes I’d ask to see a female GP urgently - they can definitely help.