Partner ignored repeated no during sex and I feel deeply shaken **Content Warning - non-consensual sex"

[Treacletarttt]

Hi,

Me and my partner have been together 3 years, I have two sons from a previous relationship, and he has a daughter. A few nights ago, me and my partner were in bed together, and I’m still coming to terms with what happened.

I rolled over and had begun to fall asleep, whilst he was still on his phone. I then felt him touching me and stroking me. He began to try and perform oral sex, but I told him I was tired and I wasn’t in the mood.

I was in a pretty rubbish mood, I had been arguing with my ex about our children (who were with him at the time), and I’d had a colposcopy procedure that day, so I just wanted to sleep.

My partner carried on, under the covers, I pushed his head away. I said I didn’t want to have sex, I was tired, sore etc. Then he got a little more aggressive and started to have sex. I winced and pushed him out, he stuck it back in. I then pushed him away and said no.

He then thrust his penis in my face and told me to suck it. I moved my face away and said no, and then he shoved it in my mouth. It’s a bit of a blur after that, he grabbed my throat multiple times, and started trying to aggressively try kiss me. He told me to call him by my ex’s name. I said no, and continued saying no to him.

He persisted and repeatedly told me to call him by my ex’s name over and over again (he has asked me to call him by other names during sex in the past), all whilst either trying to kiss me or shoving his penis in my face, he asked me to do anal and I said no, then he tried to stick it up there so I quickly moved. I tried to push him off again but couldn’t and he held my arms down. At that point I just started crying silently… I couldn’t help the tears streaming down my face and just lay there. At that point his was masturbating over my chest. He saw I was crying, and said ‘what’re you crying for, I’ll give you something to fucking cry about’ started trying to aggressively kiss me again, and told me to take his cum in my mouth, I said no moving my face away, he said I’ll do it on your chest then. I said no and tried to move out of the way but he was on top of me and then he ejaculated all over me.

I asked him why he’d done that whilst repeatedly telling him no, went straight to the shower and when I’d finished he was asleep.

I ended up leaving, and the day after, I spoke to him and told him he went too far, but he just responded saying he thought I liked it rough.I feel so confused and vulnerable, I haven’t seen him since, and I know that I need to get out of this relationship now. I just needed somewhere to vent this to someone, as I don’t have many people I can turn to. I’ve just done nothing but sit and think about what happened and replayed it in my head.

So very sorry what happened to you - well done for leaving him and blocking him on all social media!
I do think it's worth contacting Rape Crisis at the above website for advice, and definitely get medical help from a SARC because of the risk he has infected or injured your colostomy site.
I don't think you should worry about telling your mum anything other than that you've stopped seeing him; it's more important first and foremost to look after yourself, focus on your health and talk to people who are trained to help such as Rape Crisis.
Sending best wishes xx

It's really for op to decide who she feels most able to open up to in real life about this. And it's not for op to worry about the impact on that person- it's for them to hold op in that moment and be there to support her. If my child were going through something awful I would 110% want to know so I could support them every step of the way.

Op do not for one second start worrying about other people in this. Anyone who is worth having in your life would WANT to know and would WANT to be there for you.

@lorrytaylor usually I completely agree with you and i think it's entirely up to the person who's been raped to decide what she decides to do re: reporting and when. But in this instance this man has unsupervised contact half the week with a female minor - his dd. So in this particular instance it is quite vital that she is safeguarded from him and unfortunately that can only happen in a meaningful way through a police report and op making a statement. It is DEEPLY unfair that that lands at ops door but right now she's the only one with the information and therefore the power to shine a light on him even if it doesn't end with a conviction. The burden of proof for criminal v family court is also different so even if a conviction isn't secured that doesn't mean his dd can't be successfully safeguarded through family court. Unfortunately time also does matter the sooner op reports the better and the more likely there will be evidence to back her up. If she decides later on it will be much harder. I wish so badly that wasn't the case but that's the reality of the situation. As a survivor of sexual assault myself I do get the gravity and unfairness of it all.

Sending love OP.

So glad you’ve blocked him. Please make a plan of the fucker appears at your home/ work.

It's completely her choice. She's clearly in too much shock to make a decision right now

I’d want to know and I’d want to support, I’m shocked you’d not.

I was seriously sexually assaulted by a stranger who followed and attacked me when I was walking home from work. He was caught, prosecuted and imprisoned. It took me all my strength and courage to go through with the trial, it is a cliche but the legal process does feel like another attack. At the time one of the things that motivated me was thinking that getting him locked up would help to protect other women and girls. Well he did his time, got out and carried on offending, (he cropped up in the local press which is how I know, my blood ran cold seeing his police mug shot) so basically it meant that there were a few years when this creature was not roaming the streets. He was already known to the police when he attacked me as he had a record for other offences.

I am so sorry. He is betting on you feeling ashamed so you wont take this further. You of course have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed about. I would urge you to contact the police (especially for concern regarding his daughter) but I completely understand that it isnt so easy. You have done the right thing by blocking him on everything, please do not respond to any contact he may try to initiate. You are right to have yourself and your children at the forefront of your mind. Try to open up to your friends and family if you can. They will want to envelope you in love and support. Again, I am so sorry

WHAT did I just read?

How about being there for your daughter when she's been through a terrible crime, like a proper parent would, instead of centring your own feelings?

People saying if more women reported there would be less rapes. Really. So rapists are going to stop raping women if more people report. Currently around 3 per cent of reported rapes in the UK - lead to a charge. However around 50-60 percent of those charged get convicted

Respectfully I think almost all mothers would (while they’d find it almost unbearable to think of their daughter being through such awful trauma) want them to tell them so they could support them through the aftermath. I think it’s unusual that as a mum you’d rather not be told.

That’s not what I’m saying. Of course I wouod support her! I just don’t think I would
have put it on my own mother if it had happened to me. I would have confided in someone who would be a bit more objectively distant . Sometimes it’s hard to help effectively when you are completely distraught yourself.

I really wish posters would stop pressuring victims to go to the police.

It's a big decision and it should not be coerced.

Women have gone through enough without being held responsible for mens actions if they don't report.

It is never their responsibility.

This

How are you feeling OP? I hope that you manage to sleep but I can't imagine it will be easy. Do you listen to podcasts or have anything that you could try and drift off to?

The responsibility of making women safer does not fall to victims. If fewer men made the choice to rape people then there would be fewer rapes.

Well done on blocking him, OP. I hope you can keep it that way. What he said will niggle at you but I promise you that he knew what he was doing and you have not overreacted and that what he did must never be forgiven. I hope you can look at this thread each time you worry or feel your resolve falter, and see that all these women are telling you that he is a violent rapist and you need to keep yourself safe. Because it’s true.

I really hope you can get some help in real life. Your mum and friends are a good start, but please consider calling someone like Rape Crisis and talking to your GP and see if you can access some professional help too.

Sending you all the best.

I can’t blame OP for not wanting to report. It’s completely understandable, and her decision.

Is get a restraining order and get my experience documented with a solicitor to hold on file. I’d get some really good therapy and I’d speak to charities about what practical steps to take.

I posted yesterday about my experience of being seriously sexually assalted by a stranger who followed me as I walked home from work. I reported it, the legal process nearly broke me, I had to go to court three times, it was awful. It dominates your life and I could not start therapy until the case was over. He did get a jail sentence which meant there were 5 years (well he was released on licence half way through, ran off and was recalled) that he was not out on the streets, but he reoffended almost as soon as he had served the sentence for attacking me. I guess the only consolation is that he is on the sex offenders' register for life. If god forbid forit happened to me again I don't know if I would report it, I was caught up in a proccess that seemed to see me as a nuisance and an afterthought. I even had to request that I could give my evidence behind a screen as CPS seemed to think that doing it on video would be fine, I had to point out that I had been attacked by a stranger so having my face on a video screen was not the best way to protect me! That is only one of the myriad of things that went wrong. My support worker said she had never seen a case that was so badly handled. I really understand why women don't report/drop the case as it is hell. I had masses of support too which many do not.

I can well imagine what an awful process this has been for you. I served on the jury for a case brought by teenage girls who had been abused by their boyfriend .It took four years between the time he was charged to the court case. I can only imagine what they went through. They had to give evidence by video link.

Just Echoing the advice of @Inertia and others that it's understandable that going to the police feels daunting,

but please do consider talking to a rape crisis centre or similar.
Its what they are there for. They will speak to you in confidence. They can give you individual advice on your options and experienced support on your particular circumstances.
Crucially they will also have well thought out suggestions on staying safe and protecting yourself from this vile man.

I think I saw one or two pps saying report him and tell him you've reported him.

But take RL advice about whether this is a good idea or not first
My view is You don't have to tell this scumbag anything. You don't have to ever see or speak to him again. You owe him nothing whatsoever.

You owe yourself the chance to get some support to deal with this, and to get some RL advice about keeping yourself safe. It's so awful what happened to you OP. So sorry you are going through this. But you have had the courage to recount what happened to you on here, when you feel up to it you will be able to confide in someone who can offer experienced real life support. x

I am keeping the OP in my thoughts and hoping that she is being supported with love, care and kindness by people she trusts X

Thinking of you today. Hope you are ok xx

I have finally got round to reading all of the responses on this thread. Thank you for all of your advice and support. I’ve been really emotional, and reading these messages has made me realise the severity of what has happened.

Op has he tried to contact you or message you?

Thinking of you, OP.

Please also block him and his daughter on your children’s devices, phones, tablets, game consoles, if they have them.