DP has left me, I think there’s an OW

[Yellow34]

DP and I have been together 6 years and have a 1 year old and 4 year old together. I’ve felt so disconnected with him recently, he’s been off with me and snappy. He’s finally told me he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I stupidly begged him and he got really horrible rewriting history to say that I actually trapped him with two kids, he never loved me and was exhausted from pretending, he can’t take it anymore. I’m so deeply upset and angry. It just screams OW
to me but he’s sworn on lives theres not.
I feel awful and I just don’t know what to do. Practical side of things are OK, he’s moved back to his parents and we’re not married so it’s an easy split , I can afford this rent here on my own. Emotionally I’m just wrecked, I’m stupidly tearing up every time we have a short conversation and I end up begging him for answers because I just can’t believe it. Any advice?

You have all given me so much strength. I can’t thank you enough for the kind words and advice. Another painful restless night last night, woke up a few times and got teary. I’m holding it all in during the day for children and then it all comes out through the night.
He’s started the grovel. Today He’s sent a few texts saying sorry, he feels sad, he feels he’s made a huge mistake. He came to see the DC’s , and tried to engage in conversation with me, saying he’s been speaking to friends and wants to make it work. I didn’t engage and went out for the day to see DM and DGM. I told them what’s going on and they are fully supportive of me standing my ground and not letting him come home.

If there is ow then she's told him to fuck off, grow up and look after his family. Do not rush into any decision, do what feels right for you, he thought the grass was greener but it's not, I'd not contact him or engage at all at the moment.

saying he’s been speaking to friends and wants to make it work

Did he say which friends and are they people you know? It could be that he has been given a wake up by some sensible people around him.

However he has shattered your trust and if he isn't being honest now can that be rebuilt?

My instinct is OW wasn't as onboard as he thought. I would like to think she read this thread and realised he wasn't a prince.

She hasn't let him move in and now he's stuck at his Mum and Dad's.

Write down everything he said about being 'trapped' by your precious kids so when he's re-writing the breakup you have reality to cling onto.

Good for you OP! Stay strong and don't let him manipulate you 💐

His mapped out plan well hasn't quite went to plan.
What an idiot.
Op wishing you and you're children all the best for the future.

I’m so sorry op. Yes, I bet there’s another woman too. If he’s back tracking now it’s because she humming and hawing about the situation now he’s forced the issue by leaving you. Dont have him back, he’ll only do it again. Onwards and upwards, you’ll be happier.

Good for you OP. Stand your ground. If you let him back now it will very likely only be a short matter of time before he decides it’s again it’s not what he wants.

I bet he's said something to the OW about having the children round at hers, and she's told him to do one.

@BinNightTonight wow. That is the nicest post I’ve ever read on here.

well done you on getting through it over the past 8 months.

i bet your friends and family hate your husband now.

@Yellow34 this is typical of a cheat. I remember reading a really interesting article which explained this. Basically it said that cheats that leave often want to return. It begins when the cheat chooses to cheat, they are having 80% of their ‘needs’ met in their primary relationship, the missing 20% isn’t the fault of the partner but often their own internal void. So they seek that 20% validation, ego kibbles whatever… in comes other woman. When they leave for other woman, it’s not rocket science to realise they’ve now lost their 80% so the push/pull begins. Be firm, don’t play his game, don’t dance, ignore, grey rock, talk children and finances only, this strategy works if you want to attempt to save the relationship long term or get out. Playing into his hands only extends the game play.

Aww, thank you! Yes, they absolutely do! He left me in an awful position, I quit my job (at his encouragement) weeks before he left, he left me in debt I knew nothing about (didnt pay his share of the bills including council tax) and I found out he had lied about everything from the moment he met me. Its been a wild ride! But more than anything, i pity him, he is missing out on the best thing that has ever happened to him and the only good thing about him, our beautiful boy!!

My money is on her being married too and not prepared to leave her marriage.

He thought that by leaving you she would leave her husband and she hasnt.

Stand your ground. You will be fine sweetie, him? Not so much.

You are in the trenches with two young children. The poor love can't cope not being the centre of your universe, because you're supposed to shower him with attention and adoration...but the children are stopping you from doing so. He's not getting the attention, so becomes bored with you and family life. Someone else, who isn't bringing up two very young children comes along and hey presto, his head is turned.

It's a tale as old as time. The bottom line is that your partner is immature and selfish. It's far easier to rewrite your entire relationship than admit he's a lying cheating scumbag. He won't want friends/family thinking badly of him, so rewriting the relationship, so you 'trapped' him into a relationship and having children, suits his narrative.

Of course you feel devastated. You have been blindsided. You need to understand that your partner is now no longer on your team. He doesn't have yours or the children's best interest at heart.

Stop begging him. Stop trying to get to the 'truth'. He will lie to you. If there is an OW, that will became apparent in due course. Set up an email address purely for contact regarding the children. He's to use that email address to contact you. No phone calls or text messages (unless an absolute emergency). Use the grey rock method. Keep calm and responses neutral. If necessary hand the children over somewhere public, so he doesn't have to come to the house (ask a family member to do this for a short time). Don't cover for him....be honest with friends/family.

You will get through this and come out the other side.

Im sorry youre going through this. My daughter went through this 3 years ago. He behaved in exactly the same way and said there was nobody else but there was. Trust your gut instinct! If he wants to leave, set him free! You deserve better. My daughter was totally heartbroken but she has met somebody who thinks the world of her. Dont stroke his ego by begging him to stay, let him go! The grass isn't always greener !

Yeah his cosy little plan is a non starter and he’s realised he has fucked up.

Do not take him back whatever he says he is not to be trusted.

If somebody told me they’d never loved me and they thought I’d trapped them with children (assume he was quite willing to help create them?!) then I wouldn’t be able to see past that. You’ll always hear those words.

Late to the thread but just wanted to wish you and the kids all the best for your future.
I experienced what you did decades ago. With hindsight the tough times make you truly appreciate the better life you all have ahead. You’ll look back and realise how strong you are… and your children will be fine.
Try to squeeze in some time for yourself. You deserve it.
Take care.