DP has left me, I think there’s an OW

[Yellow34]

DP and I have been together 6 years and have a 1 year old and 4 year old together. I’ve felt so disconnected with him recently, he’s been off with me and snappy. He’s finally told me he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I stupidly begged him and he got really horrible rewriting history to say that I actually trapped him with two kids, he never loved me and was exhausted from pretending, he can’t take it anymore. I’m so deeply upset and angry. It just screams OW
to me but he’s sworn on lives theres not.
I feel awful and I just don’t know what to do. Practical side of things are OK, he’s moved back to his parents and we’re not married so it’s an easy split , I can afford this rent here on my own. Emotionally I’m just wrecked, I’m stupidly tearing up every time we have a short conversation and I end up begging him for answers because I just can’t believe it. Any advice?

The shower/bath is another good place to let your feelings out. I did a lot of my crying in a long, hot shower away from the kids' eyes.

Op, I'm so sorry. I understand why the reasons are important.She had 2 children with him and assumed they were commited so for his behaviour to change she needs to process the story of their relationship. Rewriting history is gaslighting which is a technique used to confuse and cause self doubt. If OW appears (and it seems very likely) the Op will regain confidence in her reality.

It's early days and Op is in shock but ultimately she will need to acknowledge who the man she loved really is. There is grief with that process.

Men who leave for OW are usually shallow, ego driven, victims, incapable of genuine love. When the going is tough, or life isn't a thrill, they leave.

I would caution any woman getting into a relationship with a man who has left his partner with young children..Yes, it can be the woman's fault but the majority of times it's the signs of a weak man who can't commit. If women rejected these types perhaps the men would HAVE to grow, rather than move on to the next relationship.

Be bold and cold.
Tell him to hurry up and go.

I so agree with this although I know it's not a popular view.

There seems to be such a low bar set for men that many women are happy to have relationships with married men and men who have left their young children - and sometimes even completely abandoned their families.

It's awful but you will get through this. You'll find an inner strength that you never knew existed.
You'll be Mum, because you have to be.
Don't even think of taking him back. He'll come begging eventually. He's lost is partner and his children. She'll realise she doesn't want a ready made family.
Strength is the only word of advice I can send right now.
You'll find it labelled 'inner'.
Be you.

His behaviour is classic ow but perhaps you will never know for sure. I’m sorry you’re enduring this.

My feelings as to what you should do to this man and his sl*pper are against talk guidelines.

Other woman or not you deserve better. Lets say he stays single for years but still living in parents house because lets be real, when its his time to have the kids, it'll probably be his mum who takes that on. Classic little boy masquerading as a man then it got hard so he runs back home so he can be looked after.

These first few days are tough OP. Trust me you will start to slowly but surely see you are better off without him.

In bucket loads..read this 100s of times on here ,I've never loved you,trapped,blah blah blah.
Swearing on the kids lives means nothing empty words .
Sorry op you're suffering at the hands of such a cruel man.

This. Ive had the exact same experience

OP, today you will feel like your life has ended but believe me it hasn't. This is the start of your new life. You have a process to go through and you need to go through it. Take your time and feel what it is you are feeling at that moment. You need time to grieve.Your life has been ripped apart and it takes time to recover from that. All you need from him now is for him to see the children and pay towards them. If he chooses not to see them there is nothing you can do and it is his loss.
Yes it hurts like hell at the moment but in a months time you will be in a better place and a year from now will be a whole new world. Just remember your current situation is not your final destination💐

These bastards never leave for an empty bed. Sorry this has happened.

Big hugs. You will get through this. My BIL is the same thing. Suddenly announced he was leaving. No one else etc. three weeks later he was out with the other Woman. All the rubbish they had just met.
just focus on yourself and your children. Don’t worry about him. He has proved his worth already

Thank you for the replies, reading them are giving me strength. Trying to get over this while taking care of the little ones are hard. I sit there and think it’s probably better now while they’re small isn’t it.

There will always be people on here that can advise through their own experiences.
Hope you also have real life support.
Take care.

These men who go "missing" from family life need a wake up. You Mums do all the tough stuff: Working full time and looking after DCs after work, maybe 2 w/e out of 4 to see your friends etc. Doing all the sick days, doctors/dentists, play dates, so on.

You should be able to leave work, pick up DCs from partner when fed and ready to go straight to bed, with all their laundry done. 50% of Doctors and dental appointments as well.

I know this is cloud cuckoo land but you are worth more than a few measly pennies.

That scream OW , he is trying to put the blame on you do others don’t see him as the bad guy . Expect a new girlfriend in a few weeks that he “ just meet “ .

Pack all his stuff and remove it from your bedroom and bathroom and preferably drop it off at his Mother's. Change your bed sheets, remove anything he's used and wash it and change your locks, this is no longer his house. You need to try and imagine this is now your decision so take charge and do everything you can to shield yourself from conflict and emotional conversations with him ever again. It's ok to cry in the shower. I was where you are 20 years ago, there wasn't OW just an inherent cowardice about making any sacrifice to raise children. It's is going to be ok you know, but really never tell him you care about this again because he's showed you who he is, that's it and it isn't good enough for you or your children. The two children of mine who were left came to their own conclusions about their father, I have never had to bad mouth him but as now adult women, they know. And call your girlfriends and your Mum and ask explicitly for support. In time you'll feel like you've dodged a bullet but for now make sure you're eating as well as you can and try and look after yourself as you would another woman who is your friend xxxx

Don't wash anything of his that he has left behind. Bag it all up and dump it outside for him to collect.

You will be ok because he’s a bastard. I’d be much more worried for you if he was a lovely man who just didn’t love you anymore , but he’s a prick and you are better off without him. It doesn’t stop it hurting and at the end of the day you thought you had a tight little family, and it’s a grieving process. It’s going to be hard but remind yourself of what he has done to you and your children and that will give you the strength to rise up and protect them. Put them and yourself first and I promise you that will get you through. Go easy on yourself x

Hi, i went through this very recently. In September when our baby was 11 months my partner woke up, packed his bags and left. Said he didnt love me and hadnt for a long time, rewrote history saying I was abusive towards him (i wasnt), was extremely cold and distant, said it had been over a long time (i was completely blindsided) At the start, I couldnt even comprehend the thought there would be an OW, but lo and behold there was/is. Of course she was "just a colleague," despite them flat hunting weeks after he had left me and taking her out for wine and cheese (his emails were logged in on our joint tablet) He did later concede there was "something there" with this colleague ("something" being somewhere to live and a car, but I digress)

I am not saying yours will be the same, but my ex no longer sees our child now and I havent heard from him in 4 months, he was seeing him extremely sporadically up until January. I cant explain the shock and heartache. But I am just warning you to be prepared for all eventualities. I would have never, ever believed anyone if theyd told me he wouldn't have contact with our son.

It is hard. It feels impossible to try and mend your broken heart while being a mother 24/7. Its agony to try and grieve for the life and future you thought you would have. But wow, I am 8 months in and already I feel so much lighter, life is good again. Of course there are still lots of moments where it hurts, but the days start and he/what hes done is no longer the first thing I think about in a morning or the last thing before bed. At the start, it came in waves, unbearable pain and thoughts of how can I get through this, I cant do this. I remember feeling frantic in those moments, thats the best way to describe it, I just felt i couldn't cope and that nothing would ever feel better or easier. But it does, trust me, it does. You will get there too, one day. As hard as it is having the children and having no time to sit and cry and try to process this, the children are your greatest gift. They will make you smile and laugh again and they are your reason.

Reach out to your friends and keep reaching out, in those frantic moments, when you feel you cant do this anymore, when you dont know how you'll cope, message them. I found my friends and family so helpful in trying to process what happened, even if its just having the same conversations over and over to help get whats happened straight in your mind. He probably does have someone else or at least someone else lined up and it hurts like hell, but you'll know, there is absolutely no going back. Don't beg. Please, please dont. You want to, to say that one thing that might change his mind, but he wont. He has made this choice now, leave him to it. I begged on two occasions and even though I'm sure hes long forgotten, I really wish I didnt. Since those occasions in October I have kept a dignified silence (obviously when he was seeing our child I would respond to his messages but never initiated and now he hasnt contacted me so I absolutely havent contacted him) and there is such power in that, I feel.

Feel free to message me at any point if you need advice or support. You will be okay, I promise, and one day you'll be better than okay.

@BinNightTonight what a detailed and thoughtful post and offer to op.
Sorry you're going through it as well .

@Yellow34 you’re spot on that it’s much easier and better for the kids that this happened now. Emotionally it is much easier if they don’t have that acute disruption that comes with divorce at a later age.

But also, I believe it’s harmful to grow up with someone in your home who is an under-invested, selfish parent whilst believing this is normal.

If he is not in their daily lives (he won’t be, he’ll be weekends and McDonald’s trips from what you’ve said) then his impact as a true role model is reduced.

A stable, loving two resident parent household isn’t going to happen, so getting him out now and providing a stable loving one prent one is the best thing.

Great advice for OP.

He has ALL the hall marking of a cheat so my advice is based on that. I know you’re in absolute agony and there’s a special place in hell for men who leave their young children and their mothers for the new shiny imo, but you need to be strong.

My advice,

• get a copy of leave a cheater gain a life, he’s cheated, this will help you navigate his selfishness and entitlement and help you rip away those rose tinted glasses
• stop begging him, you’re dancing the pick-me dance atm don’t, you are the mother of his two children, your worth is far more, don’t lower yourself
• seek legal advice and protect yourself, your home is now your home, do not let him enter
• I personally would get STI tests and make it clear to him, calmly that you believe he’s cheated and you need to take the tests to protect yourself, I remember feeling sick when I received this advice myself but it was the right thing to do
• I’m a vengeful cow and there is no way I’d let his narrative win here, I would be very clear to anyone that will listen that you believe there is an OW and that you expect them to appear soon, cheats like him cling on to trying to protect his appearance of having a moral compass, don’t let him. Be very calm and collected as you deliver this that is your power
• You can refer yourself for counselling through the NHS do this, it will help
• Sit your babies down and come up with a list of things the three of you want to do together over the summer then tick them off, have pictures taken of the three of you, have a mini break, anything that helps you understand you can do this!!!

@Yellow34 it is hard atm I know, but what you do from today onwards helps you reframe this and come to terms with it!

Hugs, been there, got the t’shirt…