DP has left me, I think there’s an OW

[Yellow34]

DP and I have been together 6 years and have a 1 year old and 4 year old together. I’ve felt so disconnected with him recently, he’s been off with me and snappy. He’s finally told me he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I stupidly begged him and he got really horrible rewriting history to say that I actually trapped him with two kids, he never loved me and was exhausted from pretending, he can’t take it anymore. I’m so deeply upset and angry. It just screams OW
to me but he’s sworn on lives theres not.
I feel awful and I just don’t know what to do. Practical side of things are OK, he’s moved back to his parents and we’re not married so it’s an easy split , I can afford this rent here on my own. Emotionally I’m just wrecked, I’m stupidly tearing up every time we have a short conversation and I end up begging him for answers because I just can’t believe it. Any advice?

Does it really matter if there is an other woman, he doesn’t want to be in the relationship, and has ended it, when it comes down to it, that’s what is the issue.

Unfortunately OW or not, he doesn’t want to be in the relationship and blamed you rather nastily of trapping him with children. Stop thinking OW and get angry, get a CMA claim in.

Absolutely, all this focus on if he’s cheating or not, it’s irrelevant, he has ended it and no longer wishes to be in the relationship, that’s what the op needs to focus on, eveyrghing else is a distraction.

It doesn’t really matter if there is an ow or not. In many respects. He’s decided he doesn’t want this relationship for whatever reason that is.

its devastating for you right now.

but ultimately you need to figure out what coparenting looks like from now as he doesn’t get to opt out of that responsibility and put in cms claim immediately.

he can run off into the sunset but his obligations and responsibilities don’t disappear so remind him of that . You don’t need to get angry as that doesn’t serve you or the children well.

Get the cms claim started

I'm so sorry OP. Mine did exactly the same thing. Up and left, no explanation. Swore black & blue there was no one else. Spoiler alert - there was someone else. Men don't often leave until they've got someone else lined up (sorry). For me, if he had of been honest & just told me he'd met someone else & was leaving, I think I could've handled that better. It was the not knowing, the unanswered questions that was the most difficult to bear.

Take time to grieve the relationship and the future you thought you had together. I also think his head has been turned.

I also agree with @Charlenedickens that, regardless of the reason, you have a new reality to face and embrace.

So sorry he’s done this.

despise fathers who post break-up parent their DC only every other weekend or something, whilst living elsewhere and behaving like they’re not a father, especially if dating someone new. Can’t understand why anyone would date them.

What do you want to happen regarding housing and sharing parenting? Would start to work towards that.

You need to get your practical head on.
Set up a parenting app and only communicate about the children through that. Your children are small so need to be with the primary carer most of the time, ie you.
Your mantra should be ' what is best for the children.'
If he doesn't turn up at arranged time to take them, log it every time. Do not help him out with how he manages two very small children ie food, clothes etc. He can work it out.
If he confronts you with a decision you have to make, tell him you will think about it and get back to him
Get a lawyer
Collect together all financial records, bank statements, mortgage and pension entitlement.

Do not allow him to wander in to your house without your express permission. If he is on the mortgage then he can't be kept out, but you need to establish boundaries.

Do not reply to any messages which are him defending his actions. Save the messages but don't respond.
Get prepared
Good luck

I think whether he has a new partner is relevant in that you should consider that and mentally prepare yourself for it so that if it does turn out to be the case you aren't floored by it.
Or it may be that there isn't another woman right now and he is being honest about that, but he is straight on the apps now you are separated & will soon find someone else.

I would just try to prepare myself for those eventualities because it will hurt and be hard to deal with but being prepared will help you survive it, and survive you will.

The most important thing going forward is to make sure he steps up as a parent both financially and practically. And, as hard as it might feel, that includes him being a parent a fair amount of time each week to give you time & space to process and rebuild.
Do not let him skip off into the sunset and shirk his responsibilities.

My best advice is to stop asking him for answers. You think it will give you closure but it won't. Him leaving is the closure.
You are currently in shock so treat yourself with kindness and focus on regulating your nervous system. He is inconsequential to your life right now. The relationship is over. The reasons really don't matter and, in time, you will see that.

He's not "inconsequential" to the OP's life, he is the father of her two young children.

What he does next and how they manage their relationship going forward has many consequences for the OP.
Hopefully he will step up and do his bit & not leave the OP doing everything & paying for everything.

I know I’m a broken record on these threads but please get a STI test, don’t let a shitty man destroy your health and your future. I recently had a friend die from a AIDs related illness. She thought she was in a monogamous marriage.
I’m so sorry about your situation.

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand most of that is not relevant as they are not married so his finances and pensions won’t make a difference As op not entitled to any of it ( save cms)

Ah, I missed that bit. Sorry if I gave non useful information.

So sorry OP. Despicable behaviour. Hang in there x

This is the "script" 100%. There will be another woman so trust yiur gut that you are correct and don't let him gaslight you. You need to be strategic now for your own sake ,don't be over emotional and just grey rock him. You will be absolutely fine even though you can't see that now. Be prepared for a new woman to emerge that he's " only just met" !!! This is infact complete bullshit and she was there all along. But also be prepared for it not to work out with the new woman and he starts trying to hoover you back in. Stand firm and let him fuck off. Dirty fuckin bastards, good men are vanishingly rare if at all . I really don't like them much anymore

This.

You need to take back control and not let him rock up messing with your emotions.

I’m so sorry, I was where you are 3 years ago. My ex was distant, glued to his phone, overly critical of me and finally I’d had enough and confronted him on whether he was cheating. At first he denied it but eventually he admitted it and then dumped me - he too tried to rewrite history and turned nasty. We had been together 13 years and had a 9 yr old and 3 yr old at the time. 2 weeks later he was living with the ow.

Id say it’s very likely there’s an ow based on experience. I know it’s hard but you need to focus on yourself and the kids and not what on he’s going. Start with the practical stuff and apply for UC if you might be eligible and make sure CB is going to you. 3 years on and I’m so much happier and I’m glad we’ve split and I’m sure you’ll feel the same eventually.

My ex denied denied denied the OW for a year...until I met someone then all of a sudden he was with her (and exactly who I knew it was gonna be) they didn't last long as soon our DS was there eow with them as before she couldn't be around as the id know. The lengths they go to so they aren't seen as being bastards when that is all they are

I am so sorry about the difficult situation @Yellow34 , it is not easy.
But since you are definitely separating, does it really matter if there is an OW or not? Whether there is or not, it will not change the outcome of your relationship, and it will not take away the hurtful things said to you. Don't torture yourself by wondering about it... focus on the kids as much as you can, and of course, be kind to yourself..

This is really good advice. Many of us spent months or years seeking answers. You won’t get answers from him and if you did they would be weak and hollow. Part of the answer is that ultimately he’s a person who just doesn’t want the self sacrifice and sheer hard work of committed parenting. Logically it doesn’t make sense to want answers from some- one who doesn’t have the moral fibre and selflessness to commit to 18 years of nurturing, supportive, collaborative family life. Your closure is the fact that he has gone and is not who you thought he was. If he does not have the integrity and responsibility to honour that commitment he will not have the moral fibre to admit his weak, selfish motivations.

However hard, put the spotlight on you and the children. Carve out the family life you want for you and them, leave him in the shadows.

So sorry. You're in shock but can understand you wanting to know the reason however it won't make a difference to the outcome. No more begging him to come back. Go indifferent. He'll lose out big time with not having such a close relationship with his children. You, in the meantime will grow stronger. I know you don't believe that now but you will. Take one at a time. Remember that no matter what he promises financially etc that he is longer your friend. Try to keep busy focusing on the practicalities. Your dcs need you to be strong. Sending you a big hug.

Having been in your position I absolutely do understand you wanting to know the truth because it helps you to process everything & move on.
Knowing the full facts will also help you feel hardened towards him which is helpful in these circumstances.

Asking him won't work and ruminating on it isn't helpful but I hope that at some point he is brave and respectful enough to tell you the truth.

Im so sorry op. When this happened to me id cry in my room so dd didnt see me.
You just need to consider two things, how child contact and maintence will managed.
Get support from your network and/or on here.