Was I wrong to call out his behaviour as predatory?

[Spooky2000]

I've known a man for a few years now and always thought that he was attractive and I knew it was mutual. I resisted though as he is a bit of a rogue (history of telling lies and cheating etc) that I knew of from some of the stories he'd told me when we were platonic.

Anyway. Around 4 weeks ago I gave in and we started dating, just a couple of dates a week. Last weekend he recounted a story to me that made me cringe because I'd heard something similar from him before and hoped that was a one-off. For context he's 51.

This is what was told to me. He was going to a gig last year that was hard to get tickets for. He'd bought two and as he was single and going on his own as none of his mates wanted to go, he decided to sell the other ticket . A woman contacted him and he said she could have it for £400 (face value £300). He tells me that she's super excited about this and is checking "it's real" (the situation) and said "I'm not being scammed, am I? I'm really going!?" (confirmation of the ticket). She was a stranger, never met/known her before. He somehow extracts from her that she's going on her own (she says). He then said to her that as he was going on his own and she was going on her own that he'd meet up with her at the grounds and 'go together; (she was given the ticket before this btw). The woman agreed but then on the day, surprise surprise doesn't show.

He then contact her afterwards (unsolicited) to ask if she enjoyed the gig and she says yes and says sorry she didn't turn up, she was 'late'. He adds her as a friend and then learns that she's married...

I had alarm bells going off when he was recounting this story which was presented as being altruistic and being 'concerned' for her welfare. It didn't strike me as that at all, I felt it was predatory really and said so. He was pissed at that, so no more dating. Aside from the fact that she didn't keep her boundaries and he crossed over anyway, I know that he's done something similar in the past and met someone who was going to a gig he was going to and he offered to meet her there. Who in their right mind meets a stranger off the internet when it's not a date?? It's not the action, it's the approach that has really made me feel ick.

A couple of friends think I was wrong for calling him out, but I see it as part of a modus operandi and I was really uncomfortable. What are your views?

This is wildly offensive OP.

I would probably say that it's because I've been exposed to the "darker side of life" that I can assess the risk of going to a gig by myself (or, heaven forfend, to meet a fellow fan) as minimal.

By asking her out he probably thought if she was in a relationship or married she would say no sorry I'm in a relationship/married.

I do find the messaging her and adding her as a friend afterwards odd. Like a man who can't take no for an answer. But maybe he was concerned there could have been a reason she wasn't able to meet.

He got chatting to the woman about the ticket, he thought she was attracted, he saw they had a common interest and asked to meet in an easy situation that she could saw yes or no to. I dont see nothing wrong with that. It isn't predatory.

However if you was thinking you were building on something, it is a sign he isn't as in to it as you are. He is still keeping the eye out for someone else if the opportunity presents itself. You also said he has cheated in the past. I think this is more your genuine concern rather than the fake concern for this random woman. There is nothing wrong with you thinking this behaviour is not what you want for yourself, but don't make him out to be doing something he wasn't. You know he is no rapist and a danger to her. Just leave him to it and move on

Same, which is why I saw an issue with how he'd conducted himself. I suppose having read this thread that some women are OK with it and some would be concerned. I'm in the latter camp.

You also said he has cheated in the past. I think this is more your genuine concern rather than the fake concern for this random woman.

Given that this happened before we dated, I wasn't concerned for her per se, I was more alarmed that he didn't see that she was giving him a soft no by way of not meeting him.

I accept what others have said - that she could have got the ticket and blanked him after that ( and did IMO, but wasn't expecting the follow up) and I think that's a fair point. My response to that is that she shouldn't have been put in that position by him.

As for all the insulting posts towards me, usually I'd respond in kind, but MN has become the sort of place where you slag someone off if you don't agree with them and save for a couple of forums, it's really hostile here these days.

If he had no designs on her, it would've been unremarkable that she's married.

It was also weird to pursue contact after the gig. YANBU.

Not what predatory actually means.

Married adult woman agreed to meet a man prior to a concert. She then either changes her mind, or is genuinely late. She is then contact by man, and is happy to accept him as a friend on SM.

OP insists on projecting a load of her insecurities on this women, inferring she is stupid to meet men, that she must have felt victimised, and had been preyed upon. There is no evidence of any of this,

The idea that a grown woman can't make her own decisions about who she meets, and who she adds on SM is hugely misogynistic, Stop victimising women.

I think this man has had a lucky escape,

We meet strangers every time we go to a stadium for a show or sports match. What do you think is going to happen in such a public setting?

I am also curious what is inappropriate about meeting a man in a public area to finalise a commercial transaction?

Your assumption that she was giving him a soft no isn't really based on anything real.

She may have been! Certainly a tried and tested way of dodging men who give you a bad vibe. But in that case, why would she respond to the FB message, let alone the friend request, and engage in further conversation?

She also may not have been giving him a soft no - she may have been late, as she said (also a very commonplace occurrence). In which case the fact that she was happy to respond to FB messages makes more sense.

His messages to check on her were not overstepping or predatory (like I said before, I think it was incumbent on him to check, because the worst harm she could have come to as a solo female gig-goer was on her way to or from the venue). If he had then tried to escalate it to sexual talk or turned the messages inappropriate, that would have been predatory, but... he didn't. In fact he doesn't seem to have actually made any sort of move on her at all. Selling her a ticket, offering to meet at the gig and messaging to check she was OK are not come-ons, on any level.

I bet he wouldn't have made the lovely kind non-predatory offer to meet a bloke he'd sold the ticket to.

🤣 my DH certainly would have. He loves a new bromance of meeting a fellow fan and actively plans man-dates with his mates.

Many men do in fact meet other men through music scenes and go to gigs together. Are you unfamiliar with that dynamic?

The trouble with being sex-obsessed is that you forget that humans - even men! - like to connect with other people for other reasons. Like shared music taste.

They do.

But whether this man does that, do we know?

If he wouldn't have followed up in the same way with a bloke then it's clear he has another agenda.

I'm happy to accept OPs opinion that he's a bit of a sleaze and predatory given she actually knows the guy.

I'm taking it with a pinch of salt given that she's described non-predatory behaviour as predatory.

Speculating over what someone would have done isn't very useful even if you do know them, let alone if you've just read about them on the internet. Neither of us have the foggiest what he would have done if a man had bought the ticket. Difference is you seem certain you do know.

And is still dating him. Clearly she isn't that concerned!

This is just normal behaviour. If she was so creeped out or alarmed by him, she could have said she was married sooner. He asked to meet up, she didn’t have to say yes.
He didn’t do anything wrong.
How do you think people ever meet and date?

Also, what is VAWG? Never heard of this.

Violence Against Women & Girls

Pure speculation rife with bias.