Was I wrong to call out his behaviour as predatory?

[Spooky2000]

I've known a man for a few years now and always thought that he was attractive and I knew it was mutual. I resisted though as he is a bit of a rogue (history of telling lies and cheating etc) that I knew of from some of the stories he'd told me when we were platonic.

Anyway. Around 4 weeks ago I gave in and we started dating, just a couple of dates a week. Last weekend he recounted a story to me that made me cringe because I'd heard something similar from him before and hoped that was a one-off. For context he's 51.

This is what was told to me. He was going to a gig last year that was hard to get tickets for. He'd bought two and as he was single and going on his own as none of his mates wanted to go, he decided to sell the other ticket . A woman contacted him and he said she could have it for £400 (face value £300). He tells me that she's super excited about this and is checking "it's real" (the situation) and said "I'm not being scammed, am I? I'm really going!?" (confirmation of the ticket). She was a stranger, never met/known her before. He somehow extracts from her that she's going on her own (she says). He then said to her that as he was going on his own and she was going on her own that he'd meet up with her at the grounds and 'go together; (she was given the ticket before this btw). The woman agreed but then on the day, surprise surprise doesn't show.

He then contact her afterwards (unsolicited) to ask if she enjoyed the gig and she says yes and says sorry she didn't turn up, she was 'late'. He adds her as a friend and then learns that she's married...

I had alarm bells going off when he was recounting this story which was presented as being altruistic and being 'concerned' for her welfare. It didn't strike me as that at all, I felt it was predatory really and said so. He was pissed at that, so no more dating. Aside from the fact that she didn't keep her boundaries and he crossed over anyway, I know that he's done something similar in the past and met someone who was going to a gig he was going to and he offered to meet her there. Who in their right mind meets a stranger off the internet when it's not a date?? It's not the action, it's the approach that has really made me feel ick.

A couple of friends think I was wrong for calling him out, but I see it as part of a modus operandi and I was really uncomfortable. What are your views?

Yes, and the fact that he is 51 and pulling this creepy manipulative shit makes it all the worse.

97.5% of rapists in the UK spend ZERO time in prison. 95% are not even charged. And that's only the rapes that aren't being reported. 1 in 30 women are sexually assaulted in the UK every year.

Being careful is MANDATORY in these conditions. Rape is horrific and soul-destroying.

Oh come on, I'm giving a worst case scenario there when I'm referring to rape and you're taking the piss a bit in your extrapolation of it.

She SECURED the ticket because she agreed to meet. I get your point, but as it was electronic there was no need to hold onto it until the day and risk losing a sale.

IMO he was trying it on, but it became predatory when he tried to contact her afterwards and add her as a friend! Before that it’s just calculated.

It was already predatory when he wouldn't release the ticket without securing her agreement to meet him. As OP said, he used his position of power - as the ticket holder - to coerce her into agreeing to meet. That is NOT OK.

OP, kindly you sound mad as a box of frogs. You’ve been totally judgy and kind of nasty to this man, on the basis of that story.

(of course if you’ve heard other things you don’t like, that’s different. But you asked about predatory behaviour. This isn’t.)

I don’t see it as predatory.
Fairly normal gig situation.
Lots of people there, she’d just have to keep her wits about her.
You sound worlds apart.

I had something similar when I bought a bed frame online. The guy was familiar and frankly intrusive, proposing to meet when it absolutely was not necessary. It was clear he was using the situation to force his way next to me. Eventually I sent a couple of guy friends around to pick up the damned frame, and he was ungracious and hostile to them.

I just wanted to buy a bloody bed frame ffs. Imagine if I'd gone on my own to pick it up.

Women shouldn't have to deal with this, but we do, all the bloody time, and sometimes it's really dangerous.

It must be a generational thing is all I can surmise, although that's probably not correct. I saw a balance of power (but I'm Gen X) :

I have something you want
I make a suggestion you're uncomfortable with but you agree to secure the item you want
The item is passed to you
You don't make good on your agreement by not attending and don't contact me either.
AT THIS POINT IT SHOULD BE OBVIOUS THERE IS NO INTEREST AND THE PERSON SHOULD F OFF.
Instead, I overstep and add you as a friend to contact you on a flimsy pretext despite the boundary you put in place and being 'nice' you accept it and I learn that you're married...

ick, ick, ick. I felt that I may have been in the wrong by saying he was predatory, but honestly I feel entirely vilified. It's not normal conduct to do this no matter how it is presented because no thought whatsoever has gone into thinking what position this puts the woman in or how it may make her feel.

Yeah this. Don't see the issue?

Good lord. Do you use that mouth on your mother?

Are you alright?

what on earth do you mean? I do think you sound as mad as a box of frogs, a fairly innocuous phrase.

you are now sounding increasingly intense &
obsessed. This man has had a lucky escape.

She bought a ticket, it wasn’t free. The last thing she’d expect surely is to have to hang around with some random man all night, especially if she’s married? I agree with you op.

Well I'm sure we're both grateful you're not my daughter, because I'd be worried sick if I knew you were meeting random strangers on your own in an open situation where no-one knew either of you and made presumptions and you thought it was OK.

That's absolutely hilarious! It is not a 'fairly innocuous' phrase as I'm sure you're well aware. As for your latter comments, please go and continue your sad little life. When you have something coherent, contributory and not insulting, perhaps reconsider posting, or is it still a school night?

Honestly, you sound…intense.

Why is this bothering you so much? Nothing untoward happened. The woman in question is fine. Your friend behaved in a questionable manner but no harm done. She agreed to meet him in a public place, didn’t turn up and that’s the end of that. I have no idea why this is causing you SO much angst and upset?

And how did he just add her as a friend on social media? She would have had to accept his friend request, no?

It feels as if there is more to this situation than meets the eye because frankly you sound a bit obsessed with this man. You are ruminating over his behaviour
and concocting worst case scenarios about a woman you’ve never met in a way that is extremely odd. You say you’ve been on a couple of dates…has he lost interest and you are now seeking ways to paint him as a potential sex offender? You sound a bit embittered. Time to move on!

Doesn’t seem that weird to me…

Am I missing something about the phrase ‘mad as a box of frogs’? I’ve always found it a gently affectionate phrase. Who knew?

What do you mean?:
"she didn't keep her boundaries"

Why ask then, if you’ve already decided you’re right? You don’t need our permission to feel the way you do.

It was indeed predatory (I won't reiterate why - as others have already said).

It's concerning how so many women on here think his actions were fine.

OP - I am not sure what "predatory" mean to you. And I don't think it's a generational thing to throw it around easily - I am a Gen X too...

He sold her a ticket. She was going to the concert on her own - that is by far a bigger risk than meeting a guy who you bought a ticket from....
Any guy she'd spoken to at the gig could have potentially "dragged her into the bushes". And it would have been impossible to find them.

But it would make him a really stupid rapist - who first sells you a gig ticket (leaving financial trace)....and then chats with you about the concert and meeting (leaving other traces of interactions).... And then drags you off to the bushes?
There is vigilance, and there is hyper vigilance.... Yours borders on being bonkers...

They talked about meeting before concert. She didn't show up. He followed up - a normal human behaviour. He didn't know she was married - and she never said. She could have, btw - after getting the ticket tell him and say she was not coming, etc.

Did he like the way she looked when they interacted? Sure, most likely. And he wanted to meet her - not disputing it. But - that is not predatory - men and women pursue each other.

One thing is unclear - why he told you the story....

Well quite - she secured the ticket, therefore was under no pressure to meet up with anyone she felt uncomfortable with. Don’t really see the issue, she had free will and wasn’t pressured to do something she didn’t want and, in fact, didn’t.

I think I just trust my instincts OP. If it was me, and if I had decided to meet up with him for the gig, and if he was giving out weird vibes or coming on to me in a way I didn't like, I'd have just said I was going to the loo and then lost him in the crowd.

I refuse to live my life being scared all the time.

I'm Gen X too btw.

Save the word “predatory” for actual predatory behaviour. I’m surprised you didn’t accuse him of “literal violence”.

Absolutely nothing wrong in suggesting to meet up at the venue, stranger or not. If two people are going by themselves it doesn't matter. I'd be more concerned that he added £100 onto the face value of the ticket, to profit.

Tracking her down afterwards, was a little bit odd, because she wasn't obliged to attend with him. Presumably she wasn't seated next to him and it was a big arena. Clearly she has no intention of going to the concert with him, but didn't want to say.